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Original poster

DH's parenting manual to fix what is going wrong with the youth of today...

124 replies

GreatGreySlug · 25/04/2011 11:40

DH says his book would have only 3 words - Shout-Smack-CUDDLE!

I used to disagree with him but reading about standards of behaviour in schools declining, increasing violence in society and prisons overflowing, I'm starting to think he is right. What do people think?

OP posts:
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southeastastra · 25/04/2011 11:41

yeah whack the buggers, sorted

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 25/04/2011 11:47

yup, i agree

the way to tackle violence is give offenders a good hard thwack

Hmm

then a big hug

Hmm Hmm

you asked what i think, OP?

i think your DH needs to perhaps go and think again before he tries to publish his manual

hth

Tortington · 25/04/2011 11:49

best seller deffo

shout

they shout back

smack

they smack back

cuddle

they tell you to go fuck yourself

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LadyCornyOfSilk · 25/04/2011 11:50

so no mixed messages there op Hmm

fattgitttfedupandwantstosleep · 25/04/2011 11:52

a lot of the kids who have problems in school dont have any sort of parenting. not even the sort that your dh advocates., they get what they want, or are ignored all because the parents are too selfish or caught up in their own problems to do anything about it.

FunnysInTheGarden · 25/04/2011 11:53

I assume your DH is not a parent OP?

headfairy · 25/04/2011 11:56

Er I won't be buying the book I'm afraid. You're giving completely mixed messages, totally confusing a child and setting yourself up for a whole host of problems later on. My solution to almost all parenting problems is lots of fresh air, plenty of sleep, decent home made food and lots and lots of cuddles and kisses. If there's any bad behaviour after all that lot then you just ignore it.

Tee2072 · 25/04/2011 12:02

Yes, yes, teach a child how to be agreeable and to obey, oh and not to be violent, by smacking the shit out of them. What a perfect parenting technique. I'll try it immediately. Perhaps I'll wake my son that way, as he is having his nap.

GET UP SMACK!

::rolls eyes so hard they hurt::

Original poster
GreatGreySlug · 25/04/2011 12:28

HahahahaHA Smile

FunnysInTheGarden - DH is the father of our 2 children.

About mixed messages - that's what I've always thought was an issue with smacking, but looking at how some children are turning out is making me wonder.

I see children with parents with different approaches and in different circumstances and I can't see that any of them (including my own) are turning out that much better than the others. Something seems to be going really wrong and I'm not sure what it is!

DH thinks it's all about getting the balance right - not being too hard or too soft, and that if you have to do a punishment for bad behaviour you should balance it out with plenty of affection when they are being good.

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 25/04/2011 12:37

'DH thinks it's all about getting the balance right - not being too hard or too soft, and that if you have to do a punishment for bad behaviour you should balance it out with plenty of affection when they are being good.'

That's how I raised my two, and how I run my classroom. But without the shout-smack bit.

rainbowinthesky · 25/04/2011 12:41

Do you have a mind or opinion of your own or has your dh finally been able to brainwash you into thinking this? Is this how he views marriage as well?? Can't say I'd want children with him.

mumblechum1 · 25/04/2011 12:42

Grin at Custardo

Original poster
GreatGreySlug · 25/04/2011 12:46

Do people think that punishments, or consequences as lots of people like to call them instead, like 'naughty step' or having their marker moved down on a behaviour chart etc are effective enough/as effective as a short smack? Or do kids think "is that all, who cares!"?

I normally put my DS (6) in his room for violent behaviour and he can come out when he has calmed down. Although I've lost control of myself and smacked him a few times, I can't bring myself to use this as a regular parenting method. It does remove him from the situation and he plays in his room for a bit (so not much of a punishment really), and he calms down, comes back down and then things are ok for a bit until he does it again. But he does still do it and hasn't learnt not to do it, and when I tell him off or take him to his room he is hitting, biting and pulling my hair all the way. He doesn't do this to DH as much and DH says it is because he knows he will get a smack.

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 25/04/2011 12:48

Is is any wonder your ds smacks and hits you? You and your dh have taught him to do this.

rainbowinthesky · 25/04/2011 12:48

Sounds like you and your dh need some parenting classes. I am able to effectively manage 30 teenageres at once without resorting to smacking or shouting or losing it.

Goblinchild · 25/04/2011 12:50

Your argument is illogical GreatGreySlug.
Your DS is being taught to hit as a response, so the only way for that to work is for you to belt him so hard that he's scared of hitting because he'll just get belted harder. Training through fear.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 25/04/2011 12:55

what age does your DH advocate starting this method of parenting?

do you start the shouting when your DC starts to do things you don't want him/her to do, and then wait a few years for the smacking to start or just go ahead with it all asap?

Prunnhilda · 25/04/2011 12:56

I have a child who has been through periods of violent reactions - we don't smack him and he didn't learn this at home. The argument that bad traits in children come via the parents is too simplistic. I was really sensitive to 'It must be what he sees at home' (my mother's favourite sentence about other people's kids).

Having said that - I can't imagine you lessen the odds of having a hitter by smacking him. Hmm Little children are really emotionally complex. Imagine you're feeling something inside that's painful or confusing and hard to articulate, or maybe you just can't articulate it...and some great lummox comes over and angrily twats you one. I think it's a sad way to be on both sides.

Original poster
GreatGreySlug · 25/04/2011 13:00

Rainbowinthesky - I've always thought smacking was bad and shouting was mostly bad as well but although I have views I am prepared to think about them and look at other points of view and review my own if necessary. I sometimes waver in my confidence in my judgement, especially with parenting. I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with DH yet, just considering his point of view and getting other people's points of view as well.

And re brainwashing - I wonder how much we are all brainwashed by the media, by modern parenting books, by Mumsnet, by our peers etc! The modern parenting view seems to be about being really soft with your children because even slightly harsh treatment will give them emotional problems for life! Is this even true, or are we reacting against the worst cases of child abuse that we've heard about/experienced and are now scared to do any sort of discipline with our children? Are we going too far the other way and not as DH says, getting a balance in the middle? How many people are influenced by worrying what their friends would think if they discipline their child too much and thinking about that more than anything else?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 25/04/2011 13:01

I don't mind engaging in discussion with you but it's really irritating that you keep bringing your dh's opinion into it. Either argue your own opinion or get him to have his own thread. Frankly I think your dh sounds like an arse.

Prunnhilda · 25/04/2011 13:02

You can be sensitive to your children's feelings and not at all soft with them.
It's not either/or. And violence isn't even on the table.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 25/04/2011 13:11

How many people are influenced by worrying what their friends would think if they discipline their child too much and thinking about that more than anything else?

not me for a start! if anything i worry if i'm too hard.

i often ask advice from RL friends and places like MN because we are not static, we are fluid and our own and our childrens behaviour is affected by so many outside influences. it's, IMO, almost impossible, to keep to one rigid method of communication.

all situations are different, and each incidence should be treated as unique.

this is why parenting is so difficult, we have to try, in all of the above, to remain constant.

Tortington · 25/04/2011 13:16

i don't think there is anything wrong with shouting

MadameCastafiore · 25/04/2011 13:20

Why not teach your kids that vilence and shouting are just plain wrong from the start - not acceptable at home, school or in public.

Works for us - my oldest is only nearly 11 but she has nevber hit anyone in her life - I smacked her once when she was 4 when she ran out infront of a car as she saw a friend across the road and just panicked - but have never done it again and she is so nice and kind hearted. If she has an issue she talks about it as feelings develop rather than getting to the point where she needs to shout.

DS is a little bit tougher but I use the same rules with him - of cours ehe shouts to his friends to call them but doesn't shout in anger or frustration - TALK instead.

And do not shout at your kids - even to get them down from upstairs - shouting just doesn't happen either way.

It does work - kids learn behaviour from their parents and if they see you disrespecting you partner or any one else they will think it is acceptable.

If my kid smacked me I would not just put him/her in their room there would be a punishment that would entail having to maybe write about why we mustn't hit and at the age of 6 we could work in what would happen to you if you carry on with that behaviour into adolescence and it's impact on others. Also I would stop TV, computer games and make them do some sort of work at home - helping empty the dishwasher or wiping up and whilst they did it I woudl again talk to them with ergards to their behaviour.

wolfhound · 25/04/2011 13:23

What makes you think the 'troubled' youth of today have not been smacked? I think it's more likely that the chaotic/difficult teenagers are the ones who have had violence in their upbringing.