DH's parenting manual to fix what is going wrong with the youth of today...

[GreatGreySlug]

DH says his book would have only 3 words - Shout-Smack-CUDDLE!

I used to disagree with him but reading about standards of behaviour in schools declining, increasing violence in society and prisons overflowing, I'm starting to think he is right. What do people think?

so there you have it, you need to try out all the things you do, see which ones work, then stick to them.

BUT

i think you should take into account ALL the opinions here that smacking kids to make them behave well does NOT WORK!!!

and you should be having this conversation with your heavy-handed DH, not us

as for when your 6 yr old 'attacks' you, be honest about this, does he come at you out of nowhere (as in the most obvious meaning of the word 'attack') or is this after some altercation where you've threatened to smack him and then gone back on your threat? if it's the latter, then he's almost definitely learned this from his parents.....

Littlepigs - if you have SO much more clue about things than me, what would you do that I haven't said that I do already if you had a 6 year old who physically attacked you?

Rainbow - I didn't answer the question because it was a stupid question and I just took it as a joke. DH and I are able to discuss different points of view without being violent towards each other if that's what you mean.

It has little to do with what you may or may not be doing. Your DH is teaching your son to hit. By hitting. Your DS has picked up the idea that people who hit get their own way, that it is OK to express oneself that way, that you don't have to control anger or stress, you can scream and shout and hit.

If you are concerned about his behaviour, why not sit down with your DH & DS and explain that from now on, no more hitting, from anybody. Then talk to your son about how he feels. Violent tantrums at 6 aren't normal.

Why take it as a joke? Why is it okay to hit a defenceless child but not an adult?

But smacking doesn't teach respect it just signifies that you are bigger and willing to hurt to exert your will. My children are very respectful to me and to people in authority but they have never been smacked ever.
They learnt through example more than anything else. I don't and haven't spoke to them in a way I wouldn't want them to speak to me and others. I behave in a way that I would want them to behave in. If they stepped out of line I'd remind them of my expectations and praise them when they behaved as I would wish.
There have been clear boundaries but I have been willing to listen to their points of view and have altered some boundaries when I thought it was warranted.
You earn respect at the end of the day IMO.

DS attacks me if I tell him off. I don't threaten to smack him, I just tell him not to do whatever the thing was, and why.

are you scared of talking to you DH about this, GGS?

In answer to your question to me:

I did have a 6yo who attacked me. My ds2 has ASD and at 6 he had impressive meltdowns. I had bite marks on my arms, bruised shins etc. My way of dealing with him, usually, was to hold him in my arms from behind (minimising the damage he could do to me) and take him to a place he could calm down without hurting himself. Depending on his level of responsibility for his behaviour and what had precipitated the episode, there would be a punishment such as 6 minutes sitting on the third stair followed by an apology, a talk about what had happened and how he could manage his feelings better and a hug if he wanted it. Not perfect. Not at all. But better, I think, than just hitting him back. "There, see how you like it" is an ethic that belongs in the playground imo, not between a child and a responsible adult.

What I feel really contemptuous of is the fact that your dh hits him - and boasts about it - and you seem not to have a firm view on whether this is OK with you or not. If my dh hit either of our children I would make sure he never did it again. Hitting is not allowed in our house. I think you need to wake up to yuour responsibility to your little boy and start acting like his mother instead of a bemused bystander.

....DD (8) has never been much problem and never done this, you just explain to her why not to do bad things and she listens and doesn't do them.

maybe those posters who you've said you think are perfect parents have done the same as you do with your DD then?

i'll ask again, are you scared to talk to your DH about this?

Op, your child is behaving the way he does because he is confused. When children play up and have violent outbursts it is because they ahve lots of emotions and feelings that they cannot cope with as children. They look to the adults to teach them how to deal with their emotions. But when those adults haven't got a basic idea of how their own emotions and feelings work, then they are basically screwed.
Tell your DH,instead of writing a manual on how to be a bully, to read up on emotional intelligence to find out why children behave as they do. Then yo can read it when he has finished it.

How come your dd doesnt need smacking to behave the way she does?

I agree with no shouting and smacking. Unfortunately the yoof of today don't seem to agree with us and do quite a lot of shouting and smacking anyway.

Respect works both ways-you show the DC respect and listen and they copy. (unless SN who don't pick up the signals).

Does your DH hit your son then?

Has he ever hit you?

Littlepigs - my DS is being looked at by a paediatrician, the school, and some kind of expert that comes into the school to see certain children because they suspected ASD although he has not been diagnosed and they said that could be a lengthy process.

We did the same with DD as DS but it doesn't seem to work so well with DS. I thought it was just because he had a different personality or was something to do with being a boy and was just battling on, but then the school asked us to get DS referred to a paediatrician because of some of his ways at school.

Someone said earlier in the thread it isn't normal for a 6 year old to have violent tantrums (sorry I've forgotten who). Is this what most people think and is it another thing the experts would look at as suggesting he had ASD?

Beaker - DH and I talk about it all the time, we're not scared of each other, this isn't a DV thread!

GGS I apologise for my aggressiveness towards you. I reacted to the thread title and the OP. But now I think you might have started this thread as a sidelong way of asking about your ds's problem behaviour and your worries about him.

I would advise trying to get some professional input through any means possible. If he does have an ASD there is help, training and support out there for you and him. I would ask the school about a referral to camhs and also ask that he been assessed by an educational psychologist as soon as possible. I would also contact the county autism team for advice (you can do this whether your child has a diagnosis of ASD or not, their advice can be very helpful and they can help you get cooperation from your school and speed up the assessment process).

If there is any way you and your H can achieve cohesion when dealing with his behaviour this will help enormously. Your H needs to stop smacking him and you need to agree on strategies that contain and control his behaviour, with punishments when he is calm if you really feel it is needed - but what he really needs is help in managing his feelings and his anger. There is no shame in needing support with this. You are entitled to support if you need it.

I have two with autism (ASD) and my ds was very aggressive and destructive whenhe was younger. My dd also with autism though has never hit anyone or broke anything deliberately in her life. So yes it can be a feature but it isn't a necessity of an ASD dx tbh.
If ds is under assessment for an ASD then I can't urge you more strongly not to take on your dh's methods. Your ds isn't going to be able to see your smacking as anything different to him attacking you so in effect you are giving him permission to attack you.
He may have sensory issues that could make a smack feel agonisingly painful to him or he may not even feel it which might mean you will hit him harder and harder to get any response.
I would urge you to find information on ASD and post on the Special Needs Board so that parents with experience of ASD can advise you on more effective and kinder ways of managing ds's behaviour

Thank you for those kind words and advice Littlepigs. I think part of the problem is that we don't feel sure whether there is something 'wrong' with him or whether he is just plain being naughty because we are too soft. Some days I think he definitely isn't 'normal' - he is wonderful and the cutest boy I've ever met, but 'different' to other children his age in some ways, and other days when he is behaving well or when I see other kids being even more naughty I think I'm being silly (that would mean the school are being silly as well though) and he is just being a normal child. I think DH is more 'against' the idea of there being something 'wrong' with him than I am, and relatives and friends only seem to notice his cuteness - because when he is lovely he really is lovely - and keep saying they don't think there is anything wrong with him. So I'm left thinking - well I'm just a rubbish parent then because he doesn't behave to a standard I think he should and I'm making very slow progress with teaching him how to behave compared to DD. If I don't have the excuse that there is something 'more difficult' about him than other children then it must mean I'm being rubbish. So in a way I would feel relieved if he did get a diagnosis.

Please talk to your dh. Hitting a child who is having issues with behaviour due to a special need is just awful. I think, deep down, you know that.

Don'tdoitKatie - Occasionally when the children have been really misbehaving and it's got extreme and we've got to the end of our tethers we have smacked, DH more often than me but I have done it too. I've felt awful about it and try not to do it again, but he doesn't seem to feel it is as bad as I do.

'my DS is being looked at by a paediatrician, the school, and some kind of expert that comes into the school to see certain children because they suspected ASD although he has not been diagnosed and they said that could be a lengthy process.'

And you though this might be relevant this far into the thread? You can't cure an ASD by hitting, or even improve the behaviour.
I think the 'some kind of expert 'is probably the Educational Psychologist. I hope so, because if your child does have additional needs, it's even more important that you think with your brain and not just retaliate when something happens you or your OH doesn't like.

I haven;t read all but do PM me if you wnat some info on ASD, am doing an MA in autism and have 2, maybe 3 with it myself so have plenty of powerpoints that I can just post off at short notice to Mn aprents.

Goblinchild - the "some kind of expert" is an expert in autism.

I didn't mention it earlier because I feel wary about using it as an 'excuse' for finding it difficult to cope with DS's behaviour, especially when he hasn't had a firm diagnosis, the paediatrician said he just had some traits that would fit in with him being on the autism spectrum, but some other characteristics which would not fit, but they are still looking at him.