Which stage or process in parenting do you think you made a right old mess of?

[notanumber]

I found potty training far and away the most difficult and stressful thing I have had to do as a parent. The only time I have ever hit one of my children has been over struggling to get him to use the toilet.

I don't think that I'm Mother of the Year or anything I do really, but false modesty forces me to declare otherwise, but I think I'm basically a pretty good parent. When it came to potty training though, I was a total disaster - I should have reported myself to Social Services.

Yet I've had friends who have breezed through it the bastards. However, they have really struggled with, say, breastfeeding which I loved.

Obviously this is so far - I am aware that there is probably many a nightmare scenario just waiting for me.

So what about you? Which stage or process did you find most unbearably awful challenging?

Actually rewind - getting my child to eat a decent diet is the number 2 hardest thing and the thing at number 1 is the one I have yet to crack after 11 years which is thumb sucking resulting in problems with teeth and eczema

early teens mines 11 and a nightmare at the moment more cheek the a fat mans face

I work with kids in secondary and have worked during the early years/in primary also so even though ds at 16 months can be a right little monkey, I know that aside from illnesses/immediate physical dangers, there's nothing much that you can "get wrong" that can compare with the complexity of disciplining an unruly teen.

The thought of my gorgeous little man who is all about his mama now being rude, spiteful and obnoxious feels very sad indeed, and though I'm a master at dealing with teens that aren't mine, the trouble with being a parent is that even when they're being the very devil there's still that hope inside you that they will relent and come for a hug etc there to torment you.. but hey, at least I know it's coming. It makes me cherish him as he is now, it'll go by so fast.

I didn't mean that you can get an illness "wrong" - oops - I meant to worry about!

testing name change

When the kids were between 13 and 20. Definitely the toughest for me ...

This is a timely topic. I have just finished a talk with my son. He is 22 yrs and finishing his MSc this year. He is so down and depressed and over 400 miles away. We have encouraged our children to go for it education wise as we think it gives you options. He has been accepted on another course for next year but he has had enough it seems.We help as much as we can financially, pay rent, food ,to give spending money. (we are not rich!). I feel we have pushed him too far. He needs a break. He said he "just wants to earn some money and be able to go out and go on holidays sometime with his mates. How would I feel if he came back home and got a job,any job?"
I feel terrible. Have we pushed him? I love him so much, him and my daughter mean the world to me and my husband and I would hate to think we have pressured them into depression. I am crying. He doesn't know it but I feel like a total failure as a mum. I would love him to come home. I hated it when they went to university but as "they" say "if you love them set them free". I am a total mess at the moment. sorry

DD is 5.1. I am not looking forward to 10/11/12 etc etc. But so far -

Potty training I found incredibly stressful but looking back dd was actually pretty good - and dry at night pretty much straight away after getting the hang of it. But nappies was so easy - I knew when she would poo, I had set times, or at least stages of the day when I would change the nappy. She did quite a lot of "training" at the childminders from watching the older children, so I never even had to get her to realise what the potty was for. So I really had it easy. But I am a control freak, and the total lack of control over it was hard!

Food - could have done better, but I don't cook or really understand cooking so I did my best. And I don't even do the shopping, so it was difficult to present her with a new food when the fridge was just full of old ones! She's not great about new foods or vegetables but she's not horrendous. She actually likes carrots!

Bedtimes and sleep has been huge. I have accepted how she is now, and things have improved hugely, but there has been a huge amount of angst and upset about it, from newborn to 3ish, and I think there is more to come.

We've had a few bumps, but I suspect we've not hit any real bad bits yet,

but from conversations we often have with DD(8) - like yesterday describing her dream boots, the ones she's hoping for as soon as her feet are big enough - only turned out to be stilleto thigh boots - already talks of leaving home & getting her own place - as soon as she's old enough & all the gigs she's going to & parties she's going to have

I suspect the teens are going to be an all out nightmare - perhaps we should just lock her up now

Oh, notsohappymummy...it sounds like you're being awfully hard on yourself :(

Your DCs had a choice in going to Higher Ed. Do you really think you pushed them or did you simply encourage them in the way that most parents would do?

I'm sure you've done your very best and your DS will be grateful for the support he's had in helping him get through it all. If he doesn't want to do this next course, then encourage him to get a job and just enjoy life for a while. I remember that feeling when i was a student- just wanting to get on with my life and enjoy proper independence. I suspect it will all turn out ok; hope so. x

I have been pretty rubbish at handling the clingy, I need you mummy no-one else, screaming when you leave them stage. I just want to bat them off quite frankly. The lack of space does my head in. And with all 4 I've had a very limited amount of patience with 'yes I want my coat on, nooooo I'm not having my coat' or 'I shall put my coat on in 17 different steps but only in the correct order'. It's still going on with the 2.6yo dts actually. Are there people who cope with this?

DS1 is still having tantrums at 7 and you're telling me he'll be worse as a teen? Nope, refuse to believe it.

Notso - don't beat yourself up. There are times I've cursed my parents for pushing me at school and their expectations of me when I was at Uni and have sworn that, if I ever had children, I would let them coast along, enjoying themselves and get any old job. Those times were normally when exams were looming or I'd been burning the candle at both ends a bit too often or I was coming down with a bug. 99% of the time I am so glad that they pushed me and had those expectations as its meant I've had brilliant opportunities and I know I'll be doing the same with DD. She can then choose what to do with her life but I hope to give her the tools to have as wide a choice as possible. Comfort yourself with the thought that your son is secure enough to ask if he can come home and happy enough in your company to want to come home. If you think it is just a short term crisis, can you send him a train ticket for a weekend trip home and just let him sleep and feed him? Both my Mum and my Aunt did that for me once or twice when I was at Uni or had just started work and just knowing that I was going to escape the hectic life I'd built for myself and have nothing expected of me for a weekend was enough for me to relax a bit and realise I could handle everything I'd got myself into (work, sport, friends etc).

I have 4 DCs from just 2 to almost 18 and for me, the worst bit has been 2-3ish for all 4. Was dreading the teenage years as I was a complete and utter shit from 14-17 from seeing what some friends had to tackle at times, but it appears to have gone quite smoothly so far. However I may well be back in 13 years screaming for help.....

Potty training was a breeze with two, an utter nightmare with one and I've given up with DD3 currently because I can't be bothered with slippy floors it'll be easier in a few months. I hope.

accessorizequeen DD3 sounds not dissimilar to your 2.6yr old - we also have to pack her freaking backpack with a variety of utter crap toys before we do so much as put the bins out and go to bed

Thanks Olifin and Murtette,(I just feel so sad and helpless)
We are going up to visit on Friday.

Sorry for being a wimp.

BUT a message for all you the young mums, It doesn't get any easier.
Once a mum always a mum!!

I am 49 this year and my children are 25 and 22 but I still feel like a beginner!!

Going to bed

Take care

its nice to come on here and read that alot of other mums and dads have muddled throu, i have 3 children and i have muddled through bringing them all up, but when im talking to some off the other parents at my childs school they make out its such a breeze bringing up children and i sometimes feel abit put down by it all, thank god i found this website as feel alot better about myself and the fact that bringing up children is not just a walk in the park as some people make out and im no alone at muddling throu whoopieee lol :)

really shouldn't have commented the other day and been smug about the tantrums
major tantrums now! that I can't cope with

supersalstrawberry (im only up to page 5 here)! Your post really got to me and rang a bell too.

I have a nearly 4 yr old DS and a nrly 16 month old DD.

I feel I was always alot less patient with DS and strict about behaviour from a very very early age.

I never get ruffled feathers with DD because I now see she is a baby and not even her bestest tantrum can raise my blood pressure.

If DS had been as fiery as DD Id have given him a row, Im just so patient with her compaired to him.

I feel the same as you. I thought having DC's was all about turning them into well behaved, likable little people who wouldn't shame you in public and of course it's not ALL about that, no where near it.

Even now if he misbehaves he drives me up the wall. Right now he is being vile to his little sister - so jealous. He is doing everything in his power to be naughty. I know deep down im on at him far too much and I get really far too upset about his behaviour and if I just calm down he will calm down but I fail miserably everytime.

I can see already Im going to be so much more relaxed with DD . Im already learning from my mistakes with DS. What a shame he has to be a fall guy.

What advice would you give to someone like me now from here on? How would you deal with it now if you could go back?

It sounds like I love my DD more which is so not the case. I've just realised how I expected too much the first time round but now when he is purpously being naughty to get attention it just pushes my buttons.

I thought I was a fantastic mum doing ok when ours were young, so we had 5 with less than 6 years between oldest and youngest. Then the eldest became a teenager and i wanted to run a million miles away!!!!

I was totally unprepared to feel such a crap mum. If someone had told me how it would be in reality I would have never listened stopped at 1!!

Totally identify with hatwoman (way back on page 1 of this thread!) about 10 year old ds (and the up and coming 7 yo ds). Baby bit was as easy and as hard as everyone seems to find it; worried that I've created a monster though by much shouting myself - hardly teaches how to respect others when I find myself yelling at ds most of the time, no other tactic else seems to enter his consciousness sometimes. Exploding almost every morning about the complete lack of movement towards getting up/clothes/breakfast /school/ can't be good. And bawling up the stairs at the top of my voice "STOP SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER!" is not my best moment. God help me when they're both teens.... just hope I haven't completely put them off all forms of communication with me by then.

oh Shoonabee. I sympathise/empathise. Try the tv reality show trick. just imagine there's a film crew in your house...it's quite a good way of getting yourself to do the thing you know, in your heart, is right.

for all those with terrible teenagers - one thing that I keep close to me is that I can think, immediately, of 3 lovely teenagers - aged (iirc) 14, 16, 17. They are delightful. one came to stay not so long ago and was an absolute pleasure to have around. the other 2 have babysat for me - faultless. responsible, polite, doing well at school. but in each case their parents say thay can be children of the devil. So this leads me to believe that perhaps teens - even the good ones - just take it all out on their parents. And whilst it's hard on us, very hard, and ofren hurtful, it doesn't necessarily mean we're doing a bad job, or that we're bringing up dysfunctional kids. maybe it's just a horrible horrible mess we have to struggle through. (Harry Enfield's Kevin anyone? Or Quentin Blake's Zagazoo?)

actually - I can think of another one. so that's 3 girls and 1 boy. all lovely. but terrible at home - apparently

I agree with hat woman teenage years, or more precisely external examination years! I had one who didn't sleep well until he was 2 and a 1/2 years old - that was tough, energy draining and so I know how bad that can be. But children becoming adults requires reams of patience and parenting skills. I wish all the parenting courses had been around 10 years ago - my eldest is 22 and "a great adult" but oh my examination time was definitely the most demanding of any "mother superior" qualities I may possess.

Hey ShoonaBee, you'd be very unlucky for all your children to do the "teenage whatever stage" at the same time. Good old "family dynamics" generally means that if one is in that zone the others will be doing the "good kid" stuff. Everyone loves praise and so the child who is not in the bad books basks in the sunshine of praise until it's their turn to swap.

I wonder how it works with twins, do they both go through the gutteral durhh phase together. I have generally found that one of my kids is being the super helpful one when one of them is in that non-cooperative, life's the pits, I hate you (parents), I'm useless at every subject phase. On the odd occasion they gang up together that's when I reach for the dictaphone - voice recorder. These days I just have to threaten it get one brought home from work. It is such an eye opener for them to hear how they sound and such an amazing tool. And, for the first time I really heard myself, I could hear where I was going wrong and understood what to change. Many phones have a voice recorder on them.

I am grinning seeking - I have a dictaphone and have so often been tempted to switch it on. firstly because dd1 does just make things up (or imagine them) and secondly to hear myself and try to improve. and thridly because we have these ridiculous "you said xxx...I said...xxx...I didn;t say....blah blah blah" heated discussions that just go round and round and drive me mad.

but I thought the dictaphone thing might be, a bit, erm, weird. you have inspired me. Now I know there's at least one other parent in the uk that does this I'm joining you!

Not so happy mum - I went through this with my eldest son. He got very low A level grades and didn't bother to try to get into uni, cus his grades were not good. We didn't push him to try - wish we had really but water under the bridge. SO he was left at home while all his close friends went off to uni. He re-took his A levels but became very down and "closed off" - he got low grades again. He then went to do CSV (community service volunteer) in a school for children with behaviour problems, 90 miles away from home. He hated it mostly but stuck it out for 6 months. He then got a place on a B.ed course for teaching 15 miles from home but wanted to live in. It lasted 10 days and I got a sobbing son on the phone late one night saying he had been looking at the river all day and thinking of drowning. I drove off and brought him home.

He seemed to get better and got a temporary job in the civil service and seemed much happier although all his mates were still at uni and coming home in the holidays full of all the uni stuff. Anyway he then got on another B.ed course again about 100 miles away. This time it lasted 2 weeks before he phoned and sad "can I come home, it's not as bad as last time, but this just isn't for me" - I immediately said of course he could and went to fetch him. He went backinto the civil service, met a wonderful girl and they lived together - he then went and did a social science degree and got a 2.1 and then a PGCE and has been a primary school teacher for 7 years.

Yes I too felt a failure as a mom but you musn't feel like that because all our kids are different even in the same famly. My other 2 sons did the conventional things and went to uni and got married etc etc. I always knew my eldest was not as emotionally strong as the others but it all came right in the end. For me the main thing is to support them, so please let him come home!