I gave a stranger a mouthful today because I get sick of the 'smart' comments people make when you're stuggling with toddlers

[StephanieBeachbum]

Two toddlers, both screaming, two trikes, which they were both refusing to ride so I was having to drag them backwards while holding on to the smaller of my DCs, and my dog that kept disappearing as I tried to get her on the lead so we could get back to the car.

Woman passes me, walking her dog. "Oh it gets worse once they're teenagers," she says, grinning. And I just lost it. I barked "I do NOT need to hear this right now". "I wasn't trying to be unkind" she said, and walked off.

WHY do people feel the need to say stuff like this? Very occasionally, it's a bit amusing. But I was clearly struggling to keep it (and everyone else) together. If people feel the need to say something, why can't they just ask if you need a hand? I do it if I see someone having a hard time - what's wrong with people?

I'm not proud of myself for giving some poor stranger a mouthful. I know she probably meant well. But the smug comments just make me so exasperated.

Please remind me when my kids are older to never ever EVER say stupid stuff to a stressed mother when I see her trying to deal with shrieking toddlers and a million other things at once.

Pagwatch always strikes me as a better person than many- her posts are very lovely and wise.

I still think you were well out of order, I'm afraid. But I think you probably won't recognise that for a while as you seem rather determined to be in the right. If this is the case I empathise- I sometimes find it hard to know whether I'm in the wrong at the time of these sort of shennanigans- it's difficult to be objective when your emotions are running high. It sometimes takes a little bit of time before I look back and reconsider and blush in shame at my own behaviour.

pagwatch I'm genuinely in admiration of you for dealing with idiots who make such comments in such a calm and understanding way. I probably could learn a thing or two from you.

I've thought about this since yesterday and how I can react differently next time (and of course there will be a next time) I'm in a similar situation and someone offers the 'it gets worse' comment.

I'm going to ask them to help. unwind is spot on in that offering to take one of the trikes for me would have been hugely helpful. Next time, instead of stewing over what I perceive as an unhelpful comment even though I know underneath the person is well meaning, I'll say something like 'ok you've clearly been there so could you give me a hand?'.

If they're keen to show they empathise, then hopefully they won't mind at all. And if I get the help I need at that particular moment I can guarantee I will very vocal in my gratitude.

BTW, nobody else to walk the dog most of the time and when it's slidy and muddy trikes are actually an easier mode of transport than the double buggy. There is method in my madness

it is not 'pedantic',activate, it is logical. it is not supportive to tell someone that what they are going through is not as bad as something else. it is in fact the total opposite of a supportive sentence.

Stephanie I totally get where you are coming from. I have two young children too (3y and 1.5y) and would have been hacked off too, although I can see that she meant well...

I totally fail to see how telling you things will get worse can be helpful in any way.

I got this when I was pregnant:

• 'Oh, you think you're tired now?' 'Enjoy your sleep whilst you can' etc...

Then after DD1 was born:

• 'it gets much harder once she's weaned/walking/talking'

The when pg with DD2:

• 'having one to care for is easy, wait till baby 2 arrives'

and so on. How exactly does that help? I am having a shit time of it right now, and do NOT need to know it gets worse. In most cases (esp having DD2), I realised it doesn't get worse, it's the fear and anxiety of it getting worse that is harder to deal with than the reality.

Hope you never bump into my mother - right opinionated old battleaxe very strict disciplinarian - in her eighties now and one of those - 'it never did me any harm' brigade.

Any child/children having a tantrum or misbehaving in public she would announce - 'Good hiding - thats all theyre short of' or any child screaming 'I want this' or 'I want that' she would say 'I know what they do want !'

Trouble is now she's in her eighties and getting more and more hard of hearing - she shouts instead of saying it under her breath .

I just know one day my mother and I (by association) will get lynched in Tesco.

I think that it is the intention behind the comment that we should respond to.

I have had a variety from horrid people on buses saying 'when mine were young I did'nt take them out' to in the park struggling to bf ds and push dd on a swing another mum offer to do the pushing so that I could bf.

She was a stranger and is now a friend.

I think in the ops case that it is probably easy to get nostalgic about when your children were small, all the difficult bits are balanced with their beauty and sweetness.

I think asking for help is a good idea

Or wear a ' either help or fuck off' tee shirt

It is difficult isn't it. I don't always deal with things calmly, when I feel exposed and defensive though ...

I would have probably asked if you needed a hand with something, I have done this before (small toddler went down like a ton of bricks whilst mum holding a tiny baby), really she was only trying to make you feel less bad about the situation and empathise.
You were rude, but she probably understands why and probably would have helped if she didn't have a dog with her.
It is bloody hard and we all have been in that situation so yabu but don't beat yourself up about it.

vanimal are you sure you're not me? . No, it seems I'm the only rude cow round here. Sorry it's shit right now. I've heard there's a temporary reprieve around the age of four

SudalivefromHMP oh dear please don't let your battleaxe elderly mother and me in Tesco at the same time, with my bad attitude and your mother's bad hearing...

goodasgold your friend sounds lovely. Women like that are priceless.

pagwatch loving the t-shirt idea

Trouble is if someone offered me help, I would take it the wrong way....they obviously think i'm crap and can't cope! You can't win. I'd rather have the sympathetic look, because if someone offered to help I would immediately turn it down. I couldn't say yes to a stranger's help, perhaps that is just me.

There is no competition about which stage is the hardest. It is quite tricky at times whether they are 2, 12 or 22 I would imagine.

The hardest stage is the one that you are at at the time!

Of course printing it out and putting in a drawer for 13yrs won't help at the moment, but as OP doesn't understand that it was a kind, sympathetic comment she certainly would in 13yrs time!

One thing is for sure, the woman who made the off the cuff comment would be amazed to find how much debate it has caused! I expect she put it down to stressed mum and forgot it.
You win some, you lose some, as this thread shows, half the people understand it was friendly and half don't. I think that I will keep to making light hearted comments and side with 50% positive people rather than go all negative and never speak in fear of offending someone.

Or perhaps the lady has gone away really stung. I've done similar numerous times. You make eye contact with someone, and then immediately fret that the eye contact will be perceived as putting on your judgey pants, especially if the other person is struggling with children, and you genuinely do feel sympathy, because you're going through or have gone through the same. So in a nannosecond you try to come up with a throwaway remark that will hopefully make it clear you're not judging, you feel sympathy, and you recognise that the other person is doing their best. Then afterwards you wonder if that throwaway remark was appropriate or might have been taken the wrong way.

Personally if someone responded to me the way the OP did, I'd tell her to fuck off right back. Sorry, but I think it's difficult enough to try to make a stranger feel better about their situation, without a slightly misjudged attempt being thrown back in your face like that.

And no, I wouldn't have offered to help, considering that to be very patronising, but would have gladly complied if asked.

It just shows we are all different, I wouldn't consider an offer of help to be patronising, I would just accept gratefully, therefore I would always offer. I would never ask.