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Original poster

I gave a stranger a mouthful today because I get sick of the 'smart' comments people make when you're stuggling with toddlers

114 replies

StephanieBeachbum · 21/01/2011 18:15

Two toddlers, both screaming, two trikes, which they were both refusing to ride so I was having to drag them backwards while holding on to the smaller of my DCs, and my dog that kept disappearing as I tried to get her on the lead so we could get back to the car.

Woman passes me, walking her dog. "Oh it gets worse once they're teenagers," she says, grinning. And I just lost it. I barked "I do NOT need to hear this right now". "I wasn't trying to be unkind" she said, and walked off.

WHY do people feel the need to say stuff like this? Very occasionally, it's a bit amusing. But I was clearly struggling to keep it (and everyone else) together. If people feel the need to say something, why can't they just ask if you need a hand? I do it if I see someone having a hard time - what's wrong with people?

I'm not proud of myself for giving some poor stranger a mouthful. I know she probably meant well. But the smug comments just make me so exasperated.

Please remind me when my kids are older to never ever EVER say stupid stuff to a stressed mother when I see her trying to deal with shrieking toddlers and a million other things at once.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Unwind · 22/01/2011 21:02

she may have meant well - but such comments are just thoughtless

like:

"oh, she is the tiniest baby I have ever seen - what happened, what is wrong with her"

"oh he is enormous, I can't belive how big he is, I've never seen a baby this age so big"

"when mine were toddlers I did not take them to the supermarket, I left them at home"

all comments I've heard, all possibly meant to be nice

werewolf · 22/01/2011 21:04

I find teens easier than toddlers.

Tortington · 22/01/2011 21:06

bollocks unwind - your comments are clearly unkind

the ops 'strangers' comment was not she was OTT to a woman who was trying to be nice to another woman having a bloody bad day.

damned if you do damned if you don't

i'm probably the sour faced old cow you'd complain about who just walked past saying nothing whilst you struggle with your toddlers - yeah thats me saying nothing incase you take it the wrong way - but then you complain becuase i didn't give a smile or eye contact or sisterly warmth in any way - yeah yeah thats me = becuase i don't want my fucking head bitten off

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pagwatch · 22/01/2011 21:07

Well I don't think two of those are nice.

If the op had posted the first or last I would have agreed with her. If she posted the middle one I would have assumed the woman was older as big babies were prized amongst my mums peers.

pagwatch · 22/01/2011 21:10

We are rushing headlong into an environment where no one will interact with anyone in real life outside the home.

I accepted the kindness of an old lady who asked ' what's the matter, is he retarded?' because as awful as it was she absoloutely genuinely wanted to help me.
Kindness is a two way street.

Lamorna · 22/01/2011 21:13

Unwind-you are completely wrong! If someone says your comments e.g.'I didn't take my toddlers to the supermarket' they are judging, if they were like the lady with the dog they would say 'I remember taking mine-you have my sympathy!'

I bet the lady with the dog had 3 DCs under 5yrs at one time and she knew, she had done it herself.

The best thing is for OP to print this out, put it in a drawer for 13yrs and get it out and say OMG did I really react like that!

Original poster

StephanieBeachbum · 22/01/2011 21:14

wow custardo, is it your turn for a bad day today? why the attitude? I couldn't care if you walked right past. In fact with that attitude I'd be relieved you did. But if someone makes a comment and I find it negative and unhelpful, they're inviting me to make a comment back that might also be negative.

OP posts:

Lamorna · 22/01/2011 21:16

I can tell you that it makes me think twice about opening my mouth pagwatch, it is much safer to keep quite and be branded a 'standoffish snob'. People say these things all the time, they help the world go around, they are not intended to be analysed and written about.

Lamorna · 22/01/2011 21:17

Quiet not quite.

Unwind · 22/01/2011 21:18

pagwatch - when my dd was tiny (really, really tiny) I was gobsmacked that so many random strangers felt the need to approach me and point it out. It reminded me every time that the lovely baby I wanted to show off was not normal, and probably would never be. It meant I could not go for a walk without being reminded of that.

But I do think they mostly meant well, just did not think it through. And if they had managed to say that she was cute, instead of tiny, it would have been a lot nicer. I was always polite to them, and never thought that anyone meant any harm.

I am sure that the woman who left her toddlers at home when she needed to buy groceries also meant well and just lacked the imagination to see that not everyone has the option.

HelenBa · 22/01/2011 21:20

it doesn't sound 'smart' at all, just sympathetic, poor woman

Lamorna · 22/01/2011 21:24

I think that you are reading your own situation into the OP Unwind. People do point out the obvious, it is just a fact of life I expect it was a polite way of asking if she was premature, or other questions they felt would be rude to ask.

Mssoul · 22/01/2011 21:25

I say things like this as a mother of a toddler and a teenager. Honestly, teenagers are toddlers with the ability to argue the toss loudly and door-slammingly (amongst other hideous things they do).

And my teenage dd has two other teenagers here tonight, while my toddler has been tucked up in bed since 7.

Mind you, going out with two wee ones, two trikes and a dog is crazy ambitious and admirable

pagwatch · 22/01/2011 21:28

Unwind. I am out everyday with a child that people comment upon. I do understand.
But intent is everything. And I think when we bark at people who, however ineptly, are trying to be nice we shut another door on benign strangers.

Stephanie , the 'are you having a bad day' comments to cushy are hugely ironic.

autodidact · 22/01/2011 21:28

Sounds to me like you were in a stressed out strop and would have taken whatever was said the wrong way. Maybe now you're overanalysing a bit because you behaved badly and you know in your heart of hearts she was trying to be nice. I've been there many times- I often feel embarrassed and ashamed when I'm unable to control a situation with my children or partner in public and it's difficult to think what I'd find a helpful response from a passer by. Even clear sympathy kind of underlines the fact that everything's going wrong!

Unwind · 22/01/2011 21:30

I am comparing it to stuff I've experienced - but I still think that it is just not helpful or supportive.

She could have offered to help and taken over the trikes for a stretch, I like to imagine that's what I'd have done

pigsinmud · 22/01/2011 21:31

I wish my 10 year old was 2 all the time and he's not even a teenager. Toddler years are physically draining, but teenage years are mentally draining. Give me physical any day!

It's the sort of comment I would make in a jokey/empathy way. Perhaps next time I won't say anything to struggling mother. I think you overreacted big time. She was reaching out to you and you bit her head off.

I agree with Pagwatch. Her comment to struggling man is exactly the sort of thing I would have said.

undercovamutha · 22/01/2011 21:36

OP - I know its not AIBU, but YABU!

It strikes me that whatever the woman did or didn't say would have been a problem for you!

If I'm in a supermarket and a child is tantrumming (and its for once not one of my children!) I always give the parent a kind of 'God kids are a nightmare aren't they?' kind of look. I'm sure someone could take that the wrong way tbh, but its really just my way of trying to ensure they don't think I'm thinking 'why don't you shut your kids up, you crap parent' IYSWIM.

I think the woman you encountered was attempting to do the same kind of thing. You need to chill out OP, and maybe not take your DCs, trikes and dog out all together, if you can't be trusted to treat random passers by with some politeness!

MyMamaToldMe · 22/01/2011 21:37

Totally get where you are coming from OP!

Original poster

StephanieBeachbum · 22/01/2011 21:37

pagwatch you're a better person than me.

"We are rushing headlong into an environment where no one will interact with anyone in real life outside the home." I disagree. I've had loads of great exchanges with total strangers while out and about with the DCs and mostly I love that they bring you so much attention. When it's all been getting a bit stressful I've had plenty of people say stuff like 'I remember it well" and we've exchanged sympathetic smiles or a few jokey words. I've also had more than my fair share of the 'It gets worse' brigade. And until yesterday I'd always taken it on the chin and in the spirit with which I know, underneath, it is intended. But yesterday I'd had enough of hearing it.

I could print this out and put it in a drawer and look at it again in 13 years time Lamorna. Doesn't help now, though, does it?

I could suggest the same to a friend of mine having a really hard time with a new baby that won't sleep. I could say to her 'you think this bit's bad? Wait until they're mobile and having tantrums. You'll see. It gets so much worse.' But that would just make her feel even more rubbish so why would I? Because I'm trying to be 'nice'?

It's not a competition for which stage is the hardest. Why do so many people try and turn it into one?

OP posts:

pagwatch · 22/01/2011 21:41

I am not a better oersonal than anyone. I guess I just have had a decade of dealing with toddlers and, when you have people shout ' make that fucking retard shut the fuck up' at you outside marks and spencers, you gain a little perspective.

I have not said that she said the right thing. But to shout at the person who was trying to be friendly even if she fucked it up seems an odd way to go.

But you are happy so that's it really.

Unwind · 22/01/2011 21:43

It is also based on own experiences which don't necessarily generalise - I used to get the "wait until they're mobile" etc from a friend with an older baby - he was wrong. My DD is a million times easier as a toddler than she was as a baby. His DS was a relatively easy baby and difficult toddler.

No way to guess what they'll be like as they get older and how hard their teenage years will be or what kind of adults they'll become and how well we'll cope. I am going to hope that the hardest bit is behind us all, and deal with the inevitable challenges when they arise.

Mittler · 22/01/2011 21:47

It beats me why a) someone is horrible to a passer-by who makes an essentially harmless comment that was obviously intended as sympathetic, and b) why they come on the internet to tell everyone that they've been horrible (because it is horrible to speak to someone like that, and I hope your children couldn't hear you, OP, as they will think it's a normal way to behave.)

Unwind · 22/01/2011 21:47

x post pagwatch

does put things in perspective, that is in a different league

mumeeee · 22/01/2011 21:50

I think you were rude, She was probably trying to be kind

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