I gave a stranger a mouthful today because I get sick of the 'smart' comments people make when you're stuggling with toddlers

[StephanieBeachbum]

Two toddlers, both screaming, two trikes, which they were both refusing to ride so I was having to drag them backwards while holding on to the smaller of my DCs, and my dog that kept disappearing as I tried to get her on the lead so we could get back to the car.

Woman passes me, walking her dog. "Oh it gets worse once they're teenagers," she says, grinning. And I just lost it. I barked "I do NOT need to hear this right now". "I wasn't trying to be unkind" she said, and walked off.

WHY do people feel the need to say stuff like this? Very occasionally, it's a bit amusing. But I was clearly struggling to keep it (and everyone else) together. If people feel the need to say something, why can't they just ask if you need a hand? I do it if I see someone having a hard time - what's wrong with people?

I'm not proud of myself for giving some poor stranger a mouthful. I know she probably meant well. But the smug comments just make me so exasperated.

Please remind me when my kids are older to never ever EVER say stupid stuff to a stressed mother when I see her trying to deal with shrieking toddlers and a million other things at once.

poor woman, she was trying to be nice.

sounds to me that she was trying to make light of your situation to break your stress levels,but in fact shes right give me toddlers over teenagers any time far easier to handle.

next you'll be saying that 'smile love it might never happen' and 'you look tired' are supportive and encouraging comments!!

Yes she is right, it probably does get worse (ive still got toddler and baby so AHHH) but when you are sturggling in that sort of situation the last thing you want to hear is it's going to get worse!

She probably did mean to empathise with you albeit done in clumsy way. She should of said something along the lines of "ohh it's tough at that age isnt it" with a sympathetic smile. But hindsight is a bitch.

Dont feel too bad about your retort it's not like you screamed and swore at her. Now that would of been unreasonable, infact I think you held yourself together very well!

And by Sturggling I obviously mean struggling.

Yes, if on the very odd occassion a stranger does say "do you need a hand - I know who hard it is" which happened approx once with DS1 - was a complete blessing.

I totally understand - your completely stressed cant see the wood through the trees and smart comments like that at the wrong time can really knock you down.

Prob yes, it does get harder, but its a different 'harder' but smart comments are not necessary and she must of seen you werent laughing.

Why do people just watch and comment? I would help any mum going through that - its no hardship to hold one child or hold the dog lead.

Some loud mouthed mums would start f-ing and blinding - you were very polite. Good for you.

Perhaps years ago people were a little more helpful but not anymore - shame!

Can I ask - how is telling someone clearly having a bit of a struggle that toddlers are not as difficult as teenagers in any way supportive?

Let's examine what she said - it gets worse once they're teenagers.

therefore what the OP is dealing with now is not as bad as what someone faces when dealing with teenagers.

That is not supportive. That is like when someone moans about problem a on here and they are told that they should try having problem b which is worse.

I would be most interested to learn how this is supportive.

what a stupidly pedantic post

• its empathetic and humourous FGS

It is supportive because the woman had quite clearly been there and knew exactly what it was like! I shall clearly have to be very careful in what I say in future if people can't see a friendly gesture when it hits them in the eye! All she meant was that one day you will realise that it was actually something to be fondly looked back on as an easy stage! Whatever they do and however difficult they are they are at least safely tucked up in bed at a reasonable hour (and even if they are not they are safe with you).

Members of the public can't do anything right! If she said nothing I dare say she would 'look' judgemental!

If I see a mother coping with a tantrum I can't help, so I make some lighthearted comment that shows that I have been in the situation and sympathise, just like the woman with the dog. I had obviously better keep quiet and then she can just complain that I looked disapproving, which is a shame as I'm not.

I can see that OP was stressed and on a normal day would take it in the spirit it was meant.

'Perhaps years ago people were a little more helpful but not anymore - shame!'

OP attitude would stop me helping! If people take exception to a lighthearted comment then I wouldn't dare. Years ago people were more friendly to strangers!

the woman was not trying to be mean. People burble out all sorts of random shit when they come across a situation and wantto engage with the person struggling.

i saw a bloke trying to carry a massive carton along the street. he was clearly self concious and I almost walked into him right outside my door.

poor bugger, i thought. So my brain scrabbles around for something bland to say so that he knows I am not thinking he is a weirdo and to cover the fact that what he is doing is drawing attention and he is feeling flustered. Do you know what my brain came up with under that pressure?

That looks like fun.

I mean ffs.

But I was well intentioned.
Had he called me names I would have seen his point. But i did sympathise and i wasn't being mean. And I would still rather try to reach for something nice to say in the hope that I may occasionally get it right than do the down cast eyes and shuffle past thing.

Op , you were stressed and feeling self concious and embaressed so whilst understandable, turning on the woman who was trying to make you feel better was unreasonable.All the more unreasonable still to try and maintain that she deserved it

Oh she was being nice. I think from her reaction and the fact that she spoke at all (really judgy people just eye roll and tut, this woman was reaching out to you) she meant 'don't worry, it's not as bad as you're thinking right now, I've been there, don't be embarrassed'. I'd have assumed it was a mixture of humour, conversation and reassurance.

She could have said "You've got your hands full" while looking disaproving which would have been worse IMO. (read "you're not coping, are you love")

I actually warmed to the man who, passing us on a country walk said " I remember those days well" when DD threw herself on the ground and had a full on tantrum because DH had gone out of sight.

And I still remember with fondness the lady who saw DS behaving hideously in M&S and said "My son was exactly like that as a toddler. But he's a perfectly nice adult."

I would have replied to the lady "and they are even worse when they get dementia"

If you apologise for your behaviour, next time you see her, I expect she will be really nice about it and friendly.

She was well intentioned, yes. I was rude, yes.

But, as other posters have said, if she'd only said something like 'I've been there, I know how you're feeling' I would have felt grateful rather than ready to burst into tears.

I appreciate everyone here coming to her defense and saying she was only trying to be nice and to empathise. Fair enough, lovely thought. But wrong choice of words in my opinion.

What's wrong showing empathy with a little understanding rather than a bit of hackneyed negative 'humour' we've all heard a hundred times?

I promise you I am totally calm today, usually nice and not prone to barking at strangers, and I've had a much better day with the DCs. But I still don't get it. It's just not helpful. It's negative.

It's like all those comments you get when you're pregnant and you're actually quite pleased about it. And everyone seems to be falling over themselves to tell you how awful it's going to be. "Oh get your sleep while you can!" "You think you're tired NOW?" "You don't know what you're in for!"

No, until you have a baby, you don't. How can you? But how is this helpful, or funny? Especially when you've heard it for the 1,000th time?

Here's another way of looking at it (and I'm basing this on truth). You spot a lanky haired youth slam the front door and charge off up the street after yelling a few expletives at the unfortunate parent. Suddenly the parent is chasing after their teen, still in their pyjamas. They catch up with them and they start having a full blown row in the street.

You feel for them, you've been there. But would this be a good point to interject with something 'funny' like 'Oh it gets worse - you wait until they're at college and they're costing you a fortune!" And if you did think it would be a helpful moment to show your empathy with such a comment, would you expect the stressed parent to stop and laugh?

The point is, no matter how much worse we who are further down the track might know it's going to get, for the unfortunate parent who is in the middle of dealing with their particular crisis, whether it's with a screaming baby, a tantruming toddler or an AWOL teen, it FEELS as bad as it could ever get at that moment. So cutting in with an 'it's going to get worse' comment is both pointless and unhelpful.

Yet we feel we have a right to say it, over and over, to mothers with toddlers. And worse, we feel offended if they don't find it funny

I apreciate that you are stressed. Come back in 13 yrs and you will understand. People only do it because they have done it themselves and they know what it is like! It gets better!

I bet that when yours are adults and you are out with a dog you might have to bite back a 'light hearted' comment.(You might let it out before you have time to think).

But that's my point Lamorna. I have no doubt you are right and I will be thinking in 13 years that actually the toddler years were a breeze . But right now it's an unknown quantity; it's not relevant to me. I don't know what my kids will be like in 13 years time any more than you do. So how does that way of thinking help?

Because she was being kind and putting it into perspective for you! You maybe don't want to hear it, but I have said to my DH many a time, 'to think that I used to worry about toilet training, tantrums etc and now I realise they were not the big deal I thought at the time'. I have done it, mine are 17 moths apart and I can remember pushing the buggy and holding a sit-on tractor and trying to get the toddler to run because there was about to be a violent thunder storm. I expect the woman with the dog has had similar. It was an attempt at cheering you up that backfired badly!
All you really had to say was 'Yeah' and smile!

I've got toddlers and teens- the teens are harder work, sorry...
But must admit I hate smart comments from strangers too.

What I suspect she was aiming for was ' time will give you the experience and ability to look back on this and realise that it is a wriggly frustrating hassle but that is not so bad. one day you will recall this time as being not so bad'.

Your children and dog were irritating. That ultimately is all.

No one is, i suspect, trying to make you view what she said as the right thing to say. But actually she is right. What you were experiencing was frustrating but that was pretty much it.
And in your example no one would comment in a 'never mind, it could be worse' to a parent having a screaming match with a distressed teenager because, with respect, that is not the trivial in the scheme of things incident you were experiencing. Your children were being annoying, they were not running on to the street in an emotionally charged state the result of which could be very bad.

Seriously. She said the wrong thing but she could have walked past you and not given a shit. Lots of people don't give a shit and that number will increase if their interest is more open to criticism than walking by and not caring

when I was a desperately unhappy schoolgirl, I was always being told that "schooldays are the best days of your life"

It used to really upset me. Probably the idiots who said it meant well, and wanted this wretched teenager to revel in the moment more, but it was horrible to hear. Thankfully it was not true for me.

I sometimes think that it is human nature to forget past anguish - forget how hard pregnancy can be, how little some babies sleep, how demanding toddlers are. Whatever the hell is happening right now feels like the worst thing yet, because what has gone before has faded with time.

Unwind, very well put.