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Original poster

Grandparents not very hands-on - really disappointed

110 replies

bacon · 03/01/2011 16:03

Not that I wish to dump my children on them often but my mum for instance never offers to have them for a weekend. If I do ask for help I am expected to drive them 20miles to drop off and 20 miles back and add to insult she wouldnt dream of offering to deliver them back so the journey has to happen again. To be fair my MIL is pretty more hands on will baby sit here and will by pressure have them overnight - coming back stinking of smoke - but we feel as though its really inconvenient.

I'm green with envy when I here my friends parents spending as much time as possible with their grandchildren, taking them out, loving it. But to be frank I am so disappointed with my mother who seems to have such a high opinion of being a good parent and opinions on everyone elses skills!

Would it be so much to ask to expect your mum to have the children for the weekend - say once every 6/8 weeks. She knows who much we work and need a break surely, I'm not being unreasonable? I have such wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents but whats her problem?

My SIL who has been bloody marvellous in the past has now found a fella and you dont see her for dust and my brother prob will be happy to have them when a bit older (nappies a no no for an old batchelor).

I usually have to pay full wack for childcare - 2 days pw but if I need to go for a meeting/appointment I have to fork out again. Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect my non-working mum to pull her finger out and inconvience herself!

OP posts:

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arentfanny · 03/01/2011 16:04

Can see where you are coming from but YABU.

sarah293 · 03/01/2011 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tee2072 · 03/01/2011 16:06

That's life.

My 18 month old son has 3 sets of grandparents. 2 sets live in the US, he sees one of those sets every 6 months and the other set has only ever seen him on Skype.

His 3rd set live on the other side of the country from us and only see him every few months. Also, they are not physically capable of looking after a toddler.

Be glad your mum takes them if you ask. Some of us don't even get that.

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scurryfunge · 03/01/2011 16:07

Maybe your mother has a life and plans. Have you ever discussed how you feel about it. Sounds like you are more pissed off about not having a free babysitter than developing a good relationship with a grandparent. Has your mum picked up on this?

Tootlesmummy · 03/01/2011 16:07

Sorry but your attitude isn't particularly gracious. Sorry you may think it would be nice for your mum to have your children but I think to expect her to have them every 6 - 8 weeks is a bit much.

Just because she doesn't work doesn't mean she should have to look after your children and certainly not all weekend. Could you ask her to take them for a couple of hours instead?

crystalglasses · 03/01/2011 16:08

Since my dc grandparents were either far too old or dead (diead prematurely) when the dc were young and dsis and dbrother were childless and clueless I never had any help. It would have been heaven to be able to rely on dgps but that's life.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/01/2011 16:08

YABU, you chose to have children yet are moaning re the cost of childcare and the lack of free time. If you want extra time, then pay for more childcare.

Given your SIL and MIL already babysit, you already get a fair bit of help. Although pressuring your MIL into overnight stays will not help the relationship.

Grandparents were not put on the earth to babysit and if you want a weekend free every couple of months then you should not have had children.

RobynLou · 03/01/2011 16:09

I sympathise but YABU, both my parents and my PIL live an hour away and they do have DD occasionally but only very occasionally when asked for a specific reason - normally because I'm working.

have never had any 'time off' with them looking after DD and certainly wouldn't expect them to have her as often as every 6-8 weeks.

we don't have ant childcare that isn't paid for, so I do get that it's hard, but its just the way it goes I'm afraid.

JingleHell · 03/01/2011 16:12

From previous threads like this I know there are a lot of us with parents who are not interested or not able to help. my DCs are 7 and 9, my parents have never offered to babysit, have never even looked after them for an afternoon or anything! They seem to think being grandparents means that they have to be put on a pedestal and we have to wheel out the grandkids for them to admire occassionally (as long as they don't make a mess in their home of course).

like you I have great memories of staying with my grandparents but my parents seem to have forgotten how much help they got themselves The PILs would love to but sadly are too far away and too elderly.

mole1 · 03/01/2011 16:13

There have been a lot of threads like this before, so you're not alone. I understand that you feel you need a break from time to time, and it's a shame they don't want to be more involved, but that's up to them. Perhaps they feel they did their bit and now they want a rest. That's how my parents feel - I'd like to have had more help, but it's just the way things are. My parents are in their mid 70s now anyway with some health problems, so I wouldn't expect it. My own grandparents hardly helped them though either.

taffetacat · 03/01/2011 16:14

No help here, except occasional evening babysitting ( 3 or 4 times per year ). All GPs in their 70's, one set quite ill and over 60 miles away. Other set had 15 plus years of looking after MIL's parents, so they have done their bit and some. Their time now.

DSis never shown any interest in my family, even gets DD's name wrong.

So, on the whole, YABU, don't compare your childcare with others, there lies madness. If you need time off, pay for a babysitter.

Tee2072 · 03/01/2011 16:14

I would like to point out that this thread is not in AIBU. So the OP was not asking if she WBU.

Not that we can't tell her she is! I just thought I'd be pedantic.

IngridFletcher · 03/01/2011 16:15

I think you should go into parenthood not expecting any help and then you are prepared for what might be the hard reality. I got one day off from my firstborn before my Mum fell ill and then died and since then my Dad died and my FIL has become ill and MIL has never really been that bothered....its shit but there you go.

purepurple · 03/01/2011 16:15

YABU, they are your children, not your mother's.
I certainly don't expect either of my chukdren to 'dump' their children on my when and if they have any. If I offered, that would be my decision.
Lots of people manage to look after their children without the help of grandparents. It's great if you have that help, but I don't think you should expect it as a right.

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 03/01/2011 16:15

your mum has already done her bit raising her family, if she has other things to do than be your unpaid childcare, then that is her choice. she is in no way obliged at all to have her GC, and you should appreciate any help you get.

Your tone - esp re the delivery and return journeys - smacks of entitlement. sorry, they are YOUR kids, your responsibility. Perhaps if you were a little less abrupt and demanding and a little more gracious, you might get more help from others ....

taffetacat · 03/01/2011 16:17

oh yes oops retract my YABU

but - in answer to op's q would it be too much to expect the GPs to look after the DC every 6-8 weeks at the weekend? Yes.

RobynLou · 03/01/2011 16:17

it might not be in AIBU but she did say "Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect my non-working mum to pull her finger out and inconvience herself!"

Original poster

bacon · 03/01/2011 16:18

Believe me when you are married to a man that worked 7 days a week all year I dont see its much to expect a grandparent to understand your pressure when your stressed out. My friends seem to offer more help!

My mum lives 20 miles away, she woundnt dream of popping over for a few hours.

Surely expecting your mum to allow you some special time as a couple together is much to ask?????

Yes, they do have a life which is very good but she has no other grandchildren and thought she would love it as she is very maternal.

What makes me laugh she has an opinion of the break down in family life. I'm sorry I'm not gracious but I thought grandparents (particulary if pretty close) would be more part of the family unit.

OP posts:

YunoYurbubson · 03/01/2011 16:19

But even when they do help you're moaning about the journey instead of feeling grateful for the break.

KindleTheSky · 03/01/2011 16:20

YABU but I understand how you feel. You will get used to it. We have had no help here at all for 15 years, not even in absolute emergencies. You do get some help at least.

lovelyopaque · 03/01/2011 16:23

It is a bonus if you have help, but that is all. I would certainly do all the journeys to and from their house if they were doing me the favour of looking after my children. Perhaps you should concentrate on spending time with your dc and the GP together. They can build a fantastic relationship with your dc and might feel more inclined to look after them, and at least while you are visiting you have a few more hands on deck.

arentfanny · 03/01/2011 16:23

We run our own business from our home, this timf of year it is quiet but for 8/9 months pretty much entails us both working, DC's go to nursery, we pay for it that is life, our choice to have kids and do what we do, yes it would be nice to be different but at the moment it isn't.

My mother has never babysat, she will very occasionally pick them up from school if I am working and DH is aswell. In other ways she is very generous and yes I take them down there all the time for them to see the DC's.

We pay for babysitters so we can have time out for a couple.

Original poster

bacon · 03/01/2011 16:24

Yes, its easy to say moan about the journey but as I said when you can only grab a short weekend together, the journey takes away the joy.

Thanks for those who understand, perhaps I am surrounded by family orientated friends and have my head in clouds - Apologses!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 16:24

Yes, it is too much to expect a parent to have your children for an entire weekend every 6-8 weeks.

You are being totally unreasonably and sound demanding and spoilt to expect weekends off that often courtesy of someone else or provide a delivery service when they do babysit. And also what scurry said.

Life is hard when you have young children. That's tough.

I've really struggled with this stage of my own children.

I've already made it patently clear that I'm not going to be taking theirs overnights unless it's an emergency, so plan accordingly. I'm also an older parent and if/when they get round to having kids I'll likely be in my 60s or older.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 16:27

'Surely expecting your mum to allow you some special time as a couple together is much to ask?????'

She takes your kids already. How is this not 'allowing special time as a couple'? Because it's not on your terms of an entire weekend?

Wow.

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