Grandparents not very hands-on - really disappointed

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Not that I wish to dump my children on them often but my mum for instance never offers to have them for a weekend. If I do ask for help I am expected to drive them 20miles to drop off and 20 miles back and add to insult she wouldnt dream of offering to deliver them back so the journey has to happen again. To be fair my MIL is pretty more hands on will baby sit here and will by pressure have them overnight - coming back stinking of smoke - but we feel as though its really inconvenient.

I'm green with envy when I here my friends parents spending as much time as possible with their grandchildren, taking them out, loving it. But to be frank I am so disappointed with my mother who seems to have such a high opinion of being a good parent and opinions on everyone elses skills!

Would it be so much to ask to expect your mum to have the children for the weekend - say once every 6/8 weeks. She knows who much we work and need a break surely, I'm not being unreasonable? I have such wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents but whats her problem?

My SIL who has been bloody marvellous in the past has now found a fella and you dont see her for dust and my brother prob will be happy to have them when a bit older (nappies a no no for an old batchelor).

I usually have to pay full wack for childcare - 2 days pw but if I need to go for a meeting/appointment I have to fork out again. Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect my non-working mum to pull her finger out and inconvience herself!

OP, sorry but it sounds as if you have quite a lot of help from your parents and ILs compared to many.

If you're getting free childcare, then petrol and time for delivering your children to your mum seems a fair exchange. When I was babysitting in my teens, it was certainly the norm for the parents to drop me home at the end of the night. I can't recall how I got there mind...

Have you tried talking to your mum about how she feels, and how she would like to spend time with your dcs? She may well be maternal, but feel she has already done that.

My MIL would happily swap me for you on this one mind, as she would love to babysit ds once a month. DH and I just don't fancy it at the mo.

You really are starting to sound a bit spoilt now. It is your child !

I'm sort of wondering why you had kids when you want a weekend free to yourself every 6-8 weeks ?

MOst people (us included) don't get respite as carers/ foster caters mOre than every few months. We have had one weekend away from foster dd in the last year.

It's a bit unusual to want to be away from your own biological children every six weeks. Not 'wrong', just unusual.

Are you struggling to parent ? I sympathise if so, it is really hard.

'Have you tried talking to your mum about how she feels, and how she would like to spend time with your dcs? She may well be maternal, but feel she has already done that.'

Either that or she knows everytime her daughter calls, it's for free door-to-door childcare because the 40-minute journey 'takes away her joy'.

I remember seeing this on one of those nanny shows. The grandmother remarked that her son only contacted her when he wanted something, usually to offload the kids on her so he and his partner could have 'special couple time'.

And she was right.

She bought a flat abroad in the sun and moved.

Clever woman.

I'm sorry, is there someone who understood without qualifying it with 'but you're expecting too much'?

They are your kids. 20 miles is nothing. Perhaps you should instead look at why your partner works away most of the time and works 7 days a week?

Both self employed, Hubby was a 110% farmer now easier, weekends together never existed, holidays - never. Hence spoilt has never never come under my personal description.

Yes, agree that my children are my responsibility, and 90%+ I look after them as OH working. I dont have a problem with this.

I just get fed up with OH moaning that my mum cant make the effort.

If you want time off then get your husband to work less hours and hire a babysitter. Your DH chooses to work as much as he does and maybe needs to think about the balance between the two a little more so you are both not so stressed.

That unfortunately isn't the job of the grandparents to solve for you both.

Oh, so it's your partner who is actually moaning. Well tell him it's life. You had the kids. You take care of the kids.

Does he ever take care of the kids?

Perhaps you should instead look at why your partner works away most of the time and works 7 days a week?

What? Farming!

Is your OH the father of your children or was that your DH?

can't believe that people expect their parents to have their children fo weekends every six-eight weeks. seriously? What planet do you live on?

Quite apart from the fact that I would never expect a grandparent to offer to have children for weekends on such a regular basis, I would never dream of even asking them to do so so frequently.

You chose to have children; couple time is not a right until your children are independent.

They are YOUR children! Yea it would be nice for you to have a break, we all want that occassionally but you are expecting waaaay too much! My ds is 3 and half and has never spent the night away from home and I wouldn't particularly want him to. It's lovely if people want to have time with your children but don't EXPECT it. I'd hate it if my Dad suddenly started wanting my ds for a whole weekend!

Plenty of us have never had weekends together or holidays.

That's life.

I have several friends with forces husbands or husbands who work away who are lone parents for months on end with no help.

But they knew that when they signed up to marry a soldier, a doctor, etc.

Your OH shouldn't expect his MIL to provide free childcare just because his family takes them overnight.

And it sounds like you're already getting overnight care via your MIL.

expat me and DH have already had that discussion and are both agreed that we will not regularly look after our GC (if we have any) - obviously happy to do so in emergencies, occasional weekends etc but definitely not regular childcare (i.e. 1 or 2 days a week) - when we have retired and are enjoying our time again, call us selfish but we don't want to commit to a regular arrangement.

To the OP, me and DH have not had a night out together since DS1 was born 4.6 years ago - whilst my parents would babysit, they live over an hour away and we don't have a spare room for them to sleep and it is too far to drive the DC over to them, come back and do the return journey the next day.

We are actually going to a friend's party in a couple of weeks - together and without children and staying overnight in a hotel My sister is having both boys to stay overnight which I am so grateful for (bearing in mind she has 4 DC of her own)!

I agree with whoever said that you should have children expecting no help...they are your children and you chose to have them and make the sacrifices this involves.

Oh, honestly. As a farmer, I would assume that y'all live on your farm? So how is he not home for 5 nights a week?

One more time: They are your children. If you want couple time/time to yourself, hire a sitter.

It's really not that difficult.

You really are being unreasonable - your mum does have them overnight, and you have to drive a whole 20 miles - not exactly far tbh. Our choice to have children, and if our parents don't want/aren't up to doing much hands on care then that is how it is - you cannot expect your parents to do it. I've 4 kids - DH and i have had 1 night to ourselves in the past 17 years, and that was courtesy of cubs/scouts who had three of them on camp so then drove the 100 miles north and left the remaining one with my mother - i did ask her but it certainly isn't something i either expect, orwould do often.
Think WannaBe's last sentence sums it up perfectly

I liked the spooky.

Does your DH spend any time with his own children? He works 7 days a week and you have MIL helping, you used to have SIL babysitting and your mum helping out (albeit not to your standards).

Does your DH need to work all these hours or is he doing it so he can get out of being a proper part of your family?

Your mum has her own life. Why should she drop it for you? She has done that already whilst bringing you up!

I can see that you might need a break now and then, but to expect something every 6-8 weeks is really pushing it. It's called being a parent you know!

And getting sniffy about having to make a 20 mile journey is silly. It makes you sound really spoilt.

I think you/your OH need to re-think your whole situation and your expectations of parenting.

I'm confused now. Is is that your husband was a farmer but you now have a partner and you are both self employed? The farmer is the father to the children and that is why your current partner doesn't want to look after them?

I am likely to have got that all wrong though!

OP you sound like you get quite a bit of help already, which you don't seem very grateful for.

It sounds like YOU are the one who can't be bothered - you can't be arsed to drive 20 miles to drop the kids off, but you expect your DM to.

Tbh I would be very pleased if I only had to drive that far to get a babysitter. I have had 2 nights away with my DH in 4.5 years (both to attend friends weddings). Expecting a weekend to yourself every 6 weeks is just bizarre!

How many dcs do you have and how old are they? (Sorry if I've missed this).

I'm afraid it's just life. Some people seem to have been born to hands-on grandparents, some haven't. I have friends who seem to be ridiculously blessed with hands-on parents.

My parents were very hands-off until the ds got to an age where they became reasonably easy. I could understand why they didn't massively want to look after pre-schoolers, even though it was disappointing and a bit hurtful. Now they will have them over once a month, (works mutually well for us when babysitting's needed) after school during emergencies, and for two or three nights during the summer. Believe me, I am truly grateful for that!

But I do remember having to simply suck it up when they were younger.