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Original poster

Grandparents not very hands-on - really disappointed

110 replies

bacon · 03/01/2011 16:03

Not that I wish to dump my children on them often but my mum for instance never offers to have them for a weekend. If I do ask for help I am expected to drive them 20miles to drop off and 20 miles back and add to insult she wouldnt dream of offering to deliver them back so the journey has to happen again. To be fair my MIL is pretty more hands on will baby sit here and will by pressure have them overnight - coming back stinking of smoke - but we feel as though its really inconvenient.

I'm green with envy when I here my friends parents spending as much time as possible with their grandchildren, taking them out, loving it. But to be frank I am so disappointed with my mother who seems to have such a high opinion of being a good parent and opinions on everyone elses skills!

Would it be so much to ask to expect your mum to have the children for the weekend - say once every 6/8 weeks. She knows who much we work and need a break surely, I'm not being unreasonable? I have such wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents but whats her problem?

My SIL who has been bloody marvellous in the past has now found a fella and you dont see her for dust and my brother prob will be happy to have them when a bit older (nappies a no no for an old batchelor).

I usually have to pay full wack for childcare - 2 days pw but if I need to go for a meeting/appointment I have to fork out again. Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect my non-working mum to pull her finger out and inconvience herself!

OP posts:

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sarah293 · 03/01/2011 19:09

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TheBolter · 03/01/2011 19:09

I've just read OP again and seeing as you clearly have children in nappies still I think YADBU.

And the thing about driving them 20 miles there and back? Well I think you're being unfair. If it's an inconvenience to you it would sure as hell be an inconvenience for her.

Still don;t know how many children you have but if more than two YAMostDBU.

TryLikingClarity · 03/01/2011 19:17

OP - what age are your DC and how many do you have?

I'm not going to say what I think - as I don't think it'll be helpful and many others have said the same thing as I think anyway....

What I will say is that I know some young grandparents (aged late 40s-early 50s) who have their grandchildren dumped on them once a week or sometimes twice a week!!! I think they are taking the serious

You asking for 6-8 weeks isn't so bad, but still a bit wishful.

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Dropdeadfred · 03/01/2011 19:59

my parents are fantastic grandparents...I used to have to put my foot down about how often they could have my dcs for the weekend/overnight.
They had my eldest 2 dd's for 2 weeks every summer holidays and took them for days out, cinema trips, swimming, fun parks etc
hey have such a great relationship wih them hat now my eldest dd is at uni and living away from home she phones my mum 3-4 times a week and has just gone to stay with her taking a friend along!
You reap what you sow and although I think OP sounds incredibly demanding with 'special couple time' and not wanting to drive..I think grandparens ultimately get back from grnadchildren what they put in

Anonymousbird · 03/01/2011 20:29

They are your kids, nt hers, ok so some GP's help out but many don't. My parents have looked after my children once, for 2 hours, when they were asleep in nearly 7 years. I am a bot sad about it bit your attitude that you are owed stinks high!

You are outrageously BU. Oh and entirely selfish.

Roo83 · 03/01/2011 20:48

My parents regularly have my 2 children (aged 2.7 and 4mnths) overnight if me and dp fancy a night out. They both work full time as teachers but actually enjoy spending time with their grandchildren. Sounds like they are in the minority-I actually thought it was quite normal. They live 40mins drive away and often offer to drop kids back to help me out. I really appreciate their help as wouldn't trust anyone else with my children. When I'm older I'd love to think I'd be able to have my own grandchildren to stay and to give them some lovely memory's. I'd also be more than happy to have nieces/nephews for weekends....to me extended family is very important

snowflake69 · 03/01/2011 21:19

I think that as a grandparent she should want to do this. My parents take our daughter 1 night a week, then see her in the day as well. As well as weekends when we go away whenever we want.

Most grandparents I know are like this but I think this comes from having children young so grandparents have lots of energy for them and want to do it.

expatinscotland · 03/01/2011 21:32

There's really no 'should' or 'shouldn't' when it comes to being a grandparent.

I found having just one a piece of piss, but more than that and it's a bit much, particularly if you are older.

My own folks live thousands of miles away and are in their 70s, so overnighters just aren't going to happen, even when we're there.

The ILs are closer, 90 miles/2.5 hour drive each direction as it's a loonngg 90 miles, but they are in poor health and unable to cope with three young children for more than a couple of hours.

That's life.

Tootlesmummy · 03/01/2011 22:15

I also don't think they should 'want' to do this as a matter of course.
We choose to have our children because we want them and we shouldn't expect others to help us raise them/take them for weekends away etc.

If they want to do it, great if not we just have to got on with it.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 03/01/2011 22:20

My PIL offer to have DD way more often than we've taken up. DD is our responsibility and unless we have a real need for childcare, I wouldn't dream of asking them. It's always arranged to make it as easy and convenient for them even if we drive the 45mins each way to drop off DD and pick her up. They're having her for a few days over Easter so DH and I can help lead a kids houseparty. They've not had her overnight before so we'll enjoy a few occasions between now and then when they'll have her overnight to 'practice'

It is true however that GPs (or anyone else) will reap what they sow in terms of relationships. I'm hoping that PIL spending time with DD will foster a great friendship between them and be something really special. That only comes with spending time with someone.

So I think you are being a bit mean to insist they take your children every month or so for no other reason than you and your DH need a break, especially if you're not prepared to drive to/from theirs to drop them off. Maybe they might offer more if you make it really easy and convenient for them.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/01/2011 00:59

OP... how much do YOU do for your parents and parents in law?

I can understand that you feel a bit aggrieved but grandparents are there for special times, not to 'mop up' your childcare arrangements, they've done their child rearing.

You don't say how old your children are but you do sound as if you expect the grandparents to be queueing up to look after your children. The parents are responsible for that. I know that some grandparents do look after grandchildren on a daily basis; if they're happy to do that then fine - but the parents still ought to do something special for them and not take it as a right or entitlement.

I feel sad for my Mum who isn't in the best of health, having my brother's children dropped on her without notice. She has her plans disrupted and she's too exhausted to make special grandparent arrangements then. My times with grandparents were special; they didn't do the childcare.

spidookly · 04/01/2011 01:14

The OP seems another one of those "trying too hard" wind ups - outrage at having to drop child off, bullying MIL into overnight stays with smoky grandparent, ridiculous sense of entitlement, "couple time", fact that man who works 24/7/365 could not have weekends away.

There are a lot if these around at the moment.

otchayaniye · 04/01/2011 08:07

YABU with oak leaf cluster

Anonymousbird · 04/01/2011 09:47

They are your kids, nt hers, ok so some GP's help out but many don't. My parents have looked after my children once, for 2 hours, when they were asleep in nearly 7 years. I am a bit sad about it But that is how it is. Butyour attitude that you are owed stinks high!

You are outrageously BU. Oh and entirely selfish.

sneakapeak · 04/01/2011 20:03

I was a bit shocked at you expecting them to drop them off or pick them up too .

Be grateful for the help you get.

SantaClausImWorthIt · 05/01/2011 15:48

I think that as a grandparent she should want to do this

Why on earth should she? She has a life of her own! The sense of entitlement some have on this board never fails to surprise me.

Yes, it would be lovely if GPs gave all their time freely to help their children out with the grandchildren, but there is no obligation. A lot of GPs will still be working, or have their own social lives to consider.

CharlieBoo · 05/01/2011 18:25

We also don't get a lot of help, but my parents are 64 and 72 and my kids are bloody hard work. My mum helps me a lot When I have appointments, Drs, parents evenings, a meal out just the two of us when it's our birthday, no overnight stays, no all weekends. Tbh I don't expect it, it would exhaust my parents. That said when we are older and have grandchildren we have already agreed that if we are able to we will give all the help we can and overnight stays as we would love a break just for one night.

Abip · 05/01/2011 22:40

I think maybe your all being a little harsh. Bacon i can see your pov. My friends parents dote on their grandchildren. Some of my friends sets of grandparents fight and argue over wanting the grandchildren !!! I think people have taken the opinion that you are being selfish but I know how you feel. There had been bad days where say the childrens school was closed and the boss would not let me have a day off. No friends available during the day and my mum was in but would not have them. Even though she knew I might lose my job. She is more helpful now I just think she sees it that she has done her parenting. Its not being selfish but sometimes when you could really do with the help your flumoxed why your own parents would not help when friends willingly will. I think you have to take what help you get as a bonus. My mum lives five mins away but will not drive to me to babysit. She will babysit if I bring the children to her and collect them that evening. So be it, I am grateful as some posters on here get no help or family lives in another country. My dear mum babysits on a tuesday evening for a few hours so I can work, and will cover the odd inset day but not all day as she gets a bit tired x x Above all else we have a great relationship now as well. I do agree that when your really struggling, the help would be grately welcome but it just may not happen.

Abip · 05/01/2011 23:11

Can I also point out that our relationship has got better, and that my mother babysits more because I spend time with her. She often says 'You dont have work tonight but have come anyway?' yes so I can have a cuppa with her and a moan about DP (grin) I also drop in to her when I have a day off (once a week from college if no clients) and go into town with her with no kids as at school. (in fact said to sale girl in shop when I was in changing room ' I my daughter is lovely I cant believe she wants to go shopping with me as she is young and should be doing it with friends' Actually made me feel sad that my mother would think I would not want to spend time with her (sad) Maybe she feels like nothing more than a babysitter? I'm not trying to make you feel bad, simply helping with a solution but if you try some of things I do above or try something similar she may well feel wanted and might offer ?

Ripeberry · 05/01/2011 23:21

I would have loved for my own mum to have been a grandparent. After hitting her then only grandchild because she was having a strop at 18months, she (my mum) went on to develop dementia and has been for the last 6yrs a stranger to my two DDs .
My MIL who was a great help and a second mum to me died suddenly last May.
So basically there is just me and my DH to look after the kids.
We have not had a weekend away since DD1 was born in 2002 and we don't ever expect to now.

Maybe when our kids are adults, then we'll have a weekend away as a couple.
Be grateful for what you have, it can change just like that R

mumeeee · 07/01/2011 12:23

I think yabu. Your Mum wil hwve your children when she is asked, Grandparents do have a life of thier own ans they should nor t be expected to provide frr childcare, My parents live a 100 miles awy and when the children were little we did see them as often as possibe and they did look adter them occasionly. But I would hever have expected them to have our DDs every 6/8 weeks for a weekend

serajen · 07/01/2011 12:45

Speaking from the other side, as a grandparent I see loads of my two grandsons, go there 2-3 evenings a week after work so daughter can go to gym as her partner works till late, the boys are 9 months and 2.5 years and I have them to stay as often as I'm allowed! I don't understand grandparents who don't want to be involved, couldn't imagine it, but guess we're all different, be a boring world if everyone was the same I s'pose

IlovePeterAndre · 07/01/2011 15:24

It could be that the grandparents own children were so throughly dislikeable that they now have no interest in their grand children.

Cause and effect.

smallwhitecat · 07/01/2011 15:35

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ssd · 07/01/2011 15:45

a weekend away - sorry WTF is that ????? my eldest is almost a teenager and we've had 1 night away in 12 years, kids stayed with friends

op, some of us would kill for the amount of childcare you do get, you sound very ungrateful and spoilt

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