Grandparents not very hands-on - really disappointed

[bacon]

Not that I wish to dump my children on them often but my mum for instance never offers to have them for a weekend. If I do ask for help I am expected to drive them 20miles to drop off and 20 miles back and add to insult she wouldnt dream of offering to deliver them back so the journey has to happen again. To be fair my MIL is pretty more hands on will baby sit here and will by pressure have them overnight - coming back stinking of smoke - but we feel as though its really inconvenient.

I'm green with envy when I here my friends parents spending as much time as possible with their grandchildren, taking them out, loving it. But to be frank I am so disappointed with my mother who seems to have such a high opinion of being a good parent and opinions on everyone elses skills!

Would it be so much to ask to expect your mum to have the children for the weekend - say once every 6/8 weeks. She knows who much we work and need a break surely, I'm not being unreasonable? I have such wonderful memories of spending time with my grandparents but whats her problem?

My SIL who has been bloody marvellous in the past has now found a fella and you dont see her for dust and my brother prob will be happy to have them when a bit older (nappies a no no for an old batchelor).

I usually have to pay full wack for childcare - 2 days pw but if I need to go for a meeting/appointment I have to fork out again. Surely I'm not being unreasonable to expect my non-working mum to pull her finger out and inconvience herself!

wow have only read the first two pages of this thread but am actually quite at most of the reactions!!!

Erm I would absolutely LOVE a break from my kids every 6-8 weeks and yes a whole weekend would be just fine. Believe me that is not so unusual, in fact I can only think of a couple of families I know who wouldn't want this. Though most of the mums I know are SAHM or very part-time so do spend most of their time with dc's.

Also many of the families I know do get loads of help from GP's. They will babysit anytime and regularly have the dgc's overnight. Many grandparents take the children too and from school everyday too.

My mum loves spending time with the kids but only if I am there. She will look after them sometimes if I ask because I have to do something but I always get the impression that she'd rather not. She works full time but outside of work she doesn't have that much of a life and relies heavily on me and the dc's for 'entertainment' during which time she mainly moans about anything and everything.

I'm sorry I think it's quite sad that we live in a society that seems to be of the opinion you shouldn't bother having kids unless you are prepared to look after them 100% of the time no matter what the circumstances or pay for childcare despite having living relatives who are perfectly capable.

I assume you will all be refusing to help with your grandchildren as the rest of your social life will be far more important

oh and just because you don't get any help doesn't mean it's wrong to want it or to have the occasional whinge about wanting a little bit more.

YABU. THey are your children not your parent or IL's. My Mum would have my DC for the weekend if I needed her to, she loves having my DC to stay but even she would balk at every 6-8 weeks. She has done her child rearing. My DH works 6 days a week and takes no holidays, but I like spending time with my DC and would not choose to havfe time away from them very often at all. It is not your right to have babysitting from GPS.

well i don't blame you for wanting a break but if your mum inexplicably hasn't volunteered to take on the care of your kids for full weekends every 6 weeks then....well ii guess that's up to her? she babysits, your MIL babysits, sounds like you're doing ok to me
my dds GPs all live hundreds of miles away so we hardly even see them let alone have free regular baby-sitting on tap. If anyone does, they are lucky. If you are jealous of their luck, it's tough! no point fretting about it.

I do think your all being really harsh. After all this is a place to vent a little. I can understand the OP. When my children have children I would like to hope that I would help as much as possible. I think the OP is just stating that if her mum knows how much they struggle and have no free time why would she not offer to help? The degree of help is debatable but like someone further up said (sorry can't find who!) I hate this 'you had your kids you deal with them' I dont know much of the OP's circumstances but when I said to my mum I am pregnant she instantly said I am not looking after the baby. (I didnt ask?!) Thats disheartening, I would never say that to my DC's. All I can say is that I dont think it will change unless you explain your feelings. All you can do is vow to help your own DC's in later life with the situation that you have.

Abip, the OP is not just wishing that her mother would offer to help: she is whingeing because the mother (who does agree to help when asked) is not running a door-to-door taxi service as well.

I am a devoted grandma who does a full day and a half of childcare every week...but-dd and ds-i-l work all week and I assume they want weekends as family time-they certainly seem to.We will babysit evenings whenever asked but I am reluctant to do overnighters even though the dgc are the sweetest,best behaved little people.I dont want to get up at 5.30am with a toddler and I'm not fit enough to do all the active things they do-cycling,long walks etc.I love what I do but I think YABU [and I live only 7 miles away from dd].Fwiw they have never asked for a weekend except once when dgc2 was on the way and of course we did it.

I think what you can reasonably expect of a grandparent is that they are loving, interested and involved with your children. This doesn't necessarily have to translate into babysitting. My parents have had my 6 and 4 year old overnight once in their entire lives. They have only really babysat if I've needed them to rather than wanted to - and certainly have only rarely offered. If you judge by the OP's standard they'd look like pretty poor Grandparents I guess. In fact they're anything but. They live around 40 miles away and make the effort to see the kids once a week. Once here my Dad (and to a certain extent my Mum) will spend the entire time playing with the kids. They clearly adore them and know all their interests, quirks and foibles. Any time I have NEEDED them to help out they have always, always been there. They aren't eager to have them overnight and I understand that - although retired they lead full lives and have raised their own kids and don't want to do it again! I understand that actually.

I also understand the need for a break. Oh god do I understand that!! I have a 6 year old, a 4 year old (only in school part time) and a non-sleeping 6 month old. I would LOVE my folks to ring me up and offer to have the kids for the weekend. But I don't expect them to and I don't think any the worse of them for not offering to either. I think it would be a bit sad to measure how good they are as parents and grandparents by how much they do for me. Our relationship is about more than that.

Sheesh!

I'm wondering if OP discussed her babysitting expectations with her parents before having kids?

"mum, dad, I'm considering having some children & if I do I'll be expecting you to take them to give us a full weekend break every 6-8 weeks, are you up for that?"

"er - not really, dear. We can probably help you out when you're stuck but you know we have our own lives to lead...if your plans rely on us being regular unpaid overnight childminders, maybe you should reconsider?"

no one is saying the op can't whinge or that parents would like a break, most of us with no family help are desperate for a break!

what annoyed me about the op was the fact her mum does babysit, but the op seems to think as well as offering free childcare her mother should be a taxi service on top

" If I do ask for help I am expected to drive them 20miles to drop off and 20 miles back and add to insult she wouldnt dream of offering to deliver them back so the journey has to happen again."

well guess what op, your mum would have to do a 20 mile pick up, then drive home, then do a double journey again when dropping your kids off, or has that fact not occured to you

also the op's MIL "is pretty more hands on will baby sit here and will by pressure have them overnight - coming back stinking of smoke - but we feel as though its really inconvenient.", I mean how ingrateful is that? The op pressurises her MIl to have her kids overnight, which she does, then the op complains the kids come back stinking of smoke. So why send them op?? especially since you feel its inconvienient?

no wonder some posters are replying why did she have kids......