is DH touching dd inappropriately?

[stirling]

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

It doesn't actually say in the opening post that he touches her genitals does it? Agree that the nipple tweaking is odd and the forehead flicking horrible, but I think many of you are going too far. There is no proof and you also have no idea what else goes on in the op's head or in her marriage, so I think a bit more caution with the advice given would be appropriate.

Ilovetiffany - yes it does put pressure on the op - to rotect her child. Hopefully she will relax if she realises it is nothing and if NOT she will bring some other agencies in to help

I do think this thread is getting a bit alarmist

emkana, the only advice given has been to speak to professionals and if possible to try and film to see exactly what is going on.

i don't see how that is inappropriate advice or going 'too far'.

But the OP does suspect that is what is happening. I think having a suspicion is enough to need to take action to protect the child concerned. Something may or may not be happening but I would not want to give someone the benefit of the doubt (even potentially) at my child's expense. I don't usually take this sort of line but children are completely, completely at the mercy of their care givers.

Some people have advised to get out now or to throw him out, and have said to op that her dh is behaving completely inappropriately when we don't have much actual facts or indeed evidence.

No offence to op intended but for all we know she might have mental health issues which prompt her to see things that aren't there. I truly think the only posts that are acceptable in this kind of situation are to say " please seek help in real life"

well emkana i have just read through the OP again and yes i do think his behaviour is inappropriate right down to his reaction when OP posts "I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off "

this is not the reaction i would expect from any man if i suggested his DD was too big for him to be touching her genitals. and actually if you read my first post here you will see that i have had a similar conversation with my EXP and his reaction was shock at himself and total agreement that i was right.

such an agressive reaction suggests that this man is tantrumming about being told he can't do something he enjoys and when it comes to your chidlren's genitals, you have no right to seek any enjoyment from them.

she lives with him,knows him....and now suspects this,which has not come out of nowhere. there is probably other stuff too,who knows

just a thought,but how would this have been dealt with if a friend or family member not living with them,had reported it? or would it have been left/not acted on.

Could there be anything worse for a loving father than to be accused of sexually abusing his daughter? So not surprising if he showed an extreme reaction, though obviously he shouldnt have been physically violent.

it's the head flicking that really strikes me as odd. it's almost like a warning not to bring it up again.

its arrogant,to me

Hi Stirling,

I am a social worker in childrens services. Please do not panick about all the advice given that indicate your DH is acting inappropriately. It is difficult to comment without further information but some of the details you have given sound like you are looking for evidence(ie her wetting when toileting- it may just be she is copying off her daddy when going with him - which is why she wouldn't have done it for you) There may be innocent explanations for lots of your concerns.

However, the concern I have is that you are concerned and sound to have been for some time. There must be a reason for these concerns?? Has your DD been acting differently? Is your DH abusive? What is your own history- is this impacting on how you are reacting? What reason do you have to think he is 'tickling/stroking /kissing her down below? It sounds like you have reason to believe this?

You do need to consult a professional and get some advice based on more information. Do you get on well with your health visitor? Doctor? They would be your first port of call.

And please,rest assured that if childrens services do get involved they are there to support you all as much as possible,they will have no intention to remove your children unless there is imminent risk of harm. And even then they will look to family in the first instance.

That said, if he is ticking /stroking /kissing her genitals then this is clearly sexual abuse and you need to act immediately to protect your daughter. Contact childrens services in you area who will support you in taking appropriate action to keep your family safe. It is just difficult from the information you give to understand why you think this? If you have significant cause for concern you have a duty and responsibility to act, and act now.

Feel free to message me if you want to talk or for more advice.

Zoe
X

Hello yes I'm coming back

Kerry stop being a wanker. I am not sick and neither is pinching, tweeking, or pushing my babies nipples.

By your reckoning pinching nipples is a sexual behaviour that stimulates the baby. So when I nuzzle into a beautiful newborn babies neck kissing up and down the neck and the ears does that also stimulate them, is it also a sexual act.

I only ask because when DP does this to me I get hugely turned on. It is a completely sexual act that would be odd for anyone other than my DP to do to me.

I can not imagine for one minute that you haven't kissed and nuzzled your childrens necks. (I still do it now to the DC's) If you have do you now believe yourself to be sick?

My 3 DC's are fine by the way feel free to PM me for my real life name and address details if you are so concerned that you wish to report me. Afterall if you think I'm sick you would want to do this immediately wouldn't you!

Oh and you don't nuzzle a child, I'm sorry I don't believe you. So straight back at you.

Can we not kiss babies necks any more ?
I tend not to bother with nipples as they are under a sleep suit or vest but little spots behind the ears and at the base of the head are just asking to be kissed.

"I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then."

sorry but that one paragraph above is enough for me. op suspects her partner of stroking tickling or kissing her 3 year old daughter "down below".

if it was innocent why the suspicion and obvious discomfort that she feels about it?

weird and wrong.

kerry are you for real?

Hi Stirling. Sorry you are going through all this terrible worry.

If, as you say, your MIL - his mother- behaves like this then he has learned it from her so maybe thinks it's normal and ok. Perhaps all he needs is for you to explain to him that it isn't OK.

I think some of the reactions on here are a bit extreme and worrying for you.

As for the forehead ping - of course it's not a good or reasonable response, but if you touched a nerve, took him by surprise, suggested his behaviour toward his daughter which he just thought was loving, was actually something sinister, then he's likely to be upset and want to hit out. Maybe the forehead ping was as much as he could do to restrain himself. I don't think such a reaction is THAT bad under the circumstances.

Do you love him? Is he a good dad in other ways? Would you like it to work out with him?

If so then you must have a long and serious talk with him. Get someone (not MIL) to babysit and go for a weekend away with him to a hotel. Say you want to have a very serious talk. He's likely to be angry and defensive, but it needs to be said.

It may just be that he doesn't know that his behaviour is inappropriate because he learned from his mum.

Whatever happens I wish you all the very best of luck. xx

I have to say I agree, we have three daughters and DH has bathed them, tickled them, thrown them up in the air all sorts and not once has it ever occurred to me I need to see what he is doing. There is an air of suspicion, your marriage is over and the professionals need to make an informed judgement as to what happens next about contact.