is DH touching dd inappropriately?

[stirling]

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

I think people are being a little hysterical over the nipple pinching to be honest. Either that or I obviously need to be locked up.

Oh and it is nothing like having your nipples tweeked in a sexual manner. Just because that is the only time you have ever experienced it does not make it like this at all times.

I was a little uncomfortable with the thought of tickling a child's 'chuff' but considered this to be something that meant something different to what I thought.

Could 'chuff' mean bottom to some people maybe?

I read this when there was only the OP earlier and i must admit it rang huge alarm bells with me too.

And i too would have posted for advice.

It may or may not be abuse, simply something that the OP's DH has "learnt" from his mother and his daughter likes. He does seem a bit fixated however. That and the fact that the OP finds it wrong are reason enough to confront the DH.

The man from STop It Now probably has a type of script to follow and obviously does not have the instincts that you have as her mother and as a female (meaning that a male may not react in the same way IYSWIM), you can email the NSPCC for advice and see what they themselves suggest. They ARE allowed to advise and i have been on the receiving end of some very helpful words from them when needed :)

Jaq - I did wonder that but its not the common meaning is it?

No, it means female genitalia usually.

Or perhaps instead of shit stirring I should say being disingenuous. In any case it struck me as massively unhelpful on a thread like this not to just say what you mean directly; hence my cross reply.

God, massive amount of xposts

Yes I know what it usually means, but then fanny means one thing to me and another to an American.

I am giving the benefit of the doubt to that particular poster.

well even if chuff does mean bottom, why would you threaten, ina jokey way, to tickle it? going from my own experience, tickling my bottom wouldn't feel the same as tickling my ribs or underarms or neck. it isn't anywhere near as tickly so why would that even be a place you would tickle? it isn't a tickly spot.

foxy......i am not the only one here to think that her instincts,and yes,suspicioons,need to be acted on!!!

I too think the nipple thing may not be as bad as it sounds..when playing with my baby I will "press" (as in lightly touch with the tip of my finger before anyone gets the wrong idea) his nipples in the same way I press his belly button and his nose when he's getting changed and say "beep beep"...it makes him laugh.

I would consider "pinching" a baby to be of the same sort of action, not hard enough to hurt but more to tickle iykwim.

as a victim myself i would say stirling that the advice from 'stopitnow' sounded good

i do not think anything you say raised particular alarm bells with me APART from the fact that you have concerns

I would feel quietly confident now that you will be watching for any sign that your husband is being inappropriate and that you will act if he is.

Good luck

SparklyMartini - not shit stirring or disingenuous , I was just a bit slow at replying to a particular post, so my first post probably looked v odd. Wasn't meant to derail or stir in any way.
Anyway, FWIW, nipple pinching and genital tickling are inapprorpiate IMO.

Exactly Kerrymumbles.

I wonder if Jacqueline will come back on the thread and answer the question?

puts more pressure on the op tho doesnt it frustratedhippy....she is already worried!! now she is expected to manage this behaviour,as well as oversee her dd's well being. puts all the onus on her now.

she suspects him enough to seek help. the help offered is down to her. (nobody is going to force the issue,nobody is going to ask her what is happening,nobody is going to be following it up)

i find that worrying

ILT but it's not proof is it? Having a suspicion. That's all I'm saying.

I wouldn't end a marriage/break up a family based on suspicion. Forehead-flicking maybe

Fair enough Avon and on that last I do agree with you.

Well, I suspect my DH would storm out (without the forehead flicking) if I ever accused him of inappropriate behaviour with our DDs.

Of course the other alternative is that while he might be behaving inappropriately, perhaps he genuinely didn't realise it and you bringing it up will have made him think and change how he treats her.

You could try a good long conversation with him, telling him to start with that you don't think it's with sinister intent on his part, but that you think some of the ways he treats your DD might be inappropriate now she's older.

But I'd probably also go for evidence. Opening the door unannounced, and failing that, a camera.

I really hope you're mistaken. But as long as you have suspicions, things won't be OK so you need to take steps to find out one way or the other.

OP I truly think the advice you got from StopItNow was very misguided. What your husband does to your DD is not appropriate and him hitting you on confrontation is awful.

Please trust your instincts on this and protect your child.

SparklyMartini

Yes, Kerry has totally hit the nail on the head. It's not acceptable for an adult to be sexually arousing their child in any way - our bodies are programmed to respond in a certain way to touches in specific places (ie nipples and private parts) whether we choose them to or not. Which is why it would not occur to most parents to do this (hopefully!)

And a child has no choice - so it's manipulative at best and abusive at worst for a parent to do this.