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Original poster

is DH touching dd inappropriately?

336 replies

stirling · 29/12/2010 15:09

Hello,
this is difficult to post but i really need some opinions.
Will try to start from the beginning. When DD was born (now 3)my husband would always smile/laugh at her genitals and feel amazed that we have a girl. (already have a son aged 5). Ive seen him and his mother 'affectionately' pinching her nipples since she was a tiny baby and laughing.
DD is now 3 and Ive noticed that whenever DD needs clothes changed either for bedtime or morning, DH quickly whisks her upstairs(before I get to stand up) and then I hear her squealing and laughing 'no stop it!' (she is not distressed in anyway).

He also always wants to take her to wee (she is fully potty trained but needs help with clothes/wiping) and on a few occasions she has been wet and he's needed to change her. When Ive confronted him and asked him how she got wet, he says she lifts her bottom up to show how she wees..Im shocked because she has NEVER done this with me, nor do I think she could come up with the idea of showing how she wees.

He is always squeezing her bum -not such a crime but its very often.
My gut feeling is that he is fascinated by her and finds her very cute, my concern is him touching her when changing her clothes.

I confronted him today in totally the wrong way. I said that I know he finds her cute but that he should maybe not touch her genitals now that she is no longer a baby. He exploded with rage. He said he only tickles her (when undressed) and then he flicked me on my forehead and stormed off :(

I realise I took a huge risk and have probably jeapordised my marriage but at the same time if he is stroking/tickling/kissing her down below I feel it should stop.
Ive tried walking in on them to catch him but her pjs are usually slipped on by then.

Sorry this is long. Im taking her to get dressed/loo as much as I can but have been ill a lot lately and bed bound.
Any advice appreciated. Thankyou

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 14:15

quattro.....your husband works in this area yet you freely describe people with a mnetal illness as 'nuts'......?

chocolatebuttontheif · 30/12/2010 14:15

Snowyweather that is a truly shocking and awful figure.

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 14:16

that should be mental health!

Lizzylou · 30/12/2010 14:18

I don't think think that Quattro was saying that the Op was mad/nuts. She was saying that statistically it is more likely for her to be mad/nuts than for her DD to have been or is being sexually abused. But really, that no-one on this thread know for sure what the truth is.

Personally I think that if the Op is feeling in any way troubled by her husband's conduct towards to their DD then this situation needs greater investigation. That cannot be a healthy way to feel. The flicking on the forehead I find very offensive and demeaning.

I truly hope that you and your DD are OK, op and that you and your DH have talked.

LadyintheRadiator · 30/12/2010 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowyweather · 30/12/2010 14:32

Yes Chocolatebuttontheif

I mean, why would Quattro come on here and do the following:

a. Quattro plucks out a statistic and says she got it from the NSPCC - the statistics say X.

b. The husband of Quattro works on care cases (we don't know the capacity and whether he is good at what he does or if he deals with sexual abuse cases), but readers his profession means that he can lower the X supposed statistic even further. (Don't forget Quattro is evidence based).

c. Quattro puts a plus b together to get 16,000. (I am assuming here that Quattro did not major in Statistics).

d. Quattro mentions mental health issues as being more relevant / prevalent.

e. Quattro plucks the number 25 times to put more emphasis on discrediting the OP.

f. Quattro comes back with a weak none of us can say anything other than consult the relevant organisations etc etc. (Let's hope Quattro's DH is not a member of any of the relevant organisations for the OP's sake).

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 14:35

quattro referring to people with mental health problems as being 'nuts' is the issue Lizzy......

LadyintheRadiator · 30/12/2010 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThatVikRinA22 · 30/12/2010 14:43

has everyone just glossed over the post on the previous page by pagwatch to continue with their own arguments?

PixieOnaLeaf · 30/12/2010 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sparkleshine · 30/12/2010 15:09

Has anyone actually noticed that the OP hasn't been back on.
Though this doesn't suprise me, everyone seems more interested in what they have to say for themselves and thinking they are in the right ( and causing more arguments) than asking how she is doing herself, like I did on the previous page.
Don't think I would come back either.

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 15:10

she came back to say she had called nspcc and was off to carry on with the recomendations

sparkleshine · 30/12/2010 15:11

No offence meant of course, just nobody apart from me has asked how the OP is

sparkleshine · 30/12/2010 15:12

I meant since then, like overnight and this morning

Lizzylou · 30/12/2010 15:12

Well yes, Tiffany, bad choice of words I agree, just wanted to point out that she wasn't necessarily saying that the Op was, well, you know.

I do hope that the Op is OK and hasn't been too scared off by the fighting to come back if she needs support.

I also think it is truly horrific that so many have had experience of abuse, really terrible.

GypsyMoth · 30/12/2010 15:15

yes,those figures are disturbing,i agree!

if op comes back then yes i'm sure she will get support,but untill then,not much anyone can do. at least the thread is being bumped up active convos,someone else may gain something from it

Oblomov · 30/12/2010 15:22

Lets not get hung up on Meadows type statistics.
Being acused of being an abuser is not nice. And that really is Op's concern. Because deep in her heart, surely her marraige is practically over anyway. I mean once you get to the stage of considering those things, I mean, I guess ?
Has she had further advice yet? Becasue the phone call to the organisation didn't seem to go well, did it ?
Where is OP ?
I hope she took some of the good advice of contacting SS or NSPCC.

snowyweather · 30/12/2010 15:27

Stirling it is just a thought but if you do want to pop back then you could try posting in the off the beaten track, as maybe there will be less noise there.

I really hope that you and your daughter are getting the help that you need and that you stay strong.

I am really sorry to read of so many posters on hear who have suffered abuse. Sad

snowyweather · 30/12/2010 15:32

Who is getting hung up on Meadows (cot death) statistics.

I have to say that I agree with the statement that:

"The true prevalence of sexual violence against children is difficult to estimate since it is a secret crime."

electra · 30/12/2010 16:09

Shame on you Quattro for trying to suggest it is more likely the OP is 'nuts' than correct in her concerns.

Do you dismiss all posts on MN on the basis that the person has a 1 in 4 chance of being 'nuts'? Like when a woman thinks her DH is having an affair?

I find your post extremely offensive on various levels not to mention callous and unintelligent.

Furthermore you seem to be suggesting that people with mental health problems can't trust their senses any of the time. Well I have a mental health problem and most of the time I am sane.

electra · 30/12/2010 16:11

Yes, exactly - sexual abuse within families is under reported in any case.

PixieOnaLeaf · 30/12/2010 16:26

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Message withdrawn

knottyhair · 30/12/2010 17:50

Oh quattro, I really hope that you are some sort of secretary in the legal world and aren't actually allowed any sort of responsibility because your comments are extremely ill-advised at best, and downright horrible at worst. Shame on you.

I really hope the OP has been able to get some good advice and to make sure her and her children are safe tonight, and hasn't been frightened off here by all the trivialisation of her situation.

Imarriedafrog · 30/12/2010 18:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarlettWalking · 30/12/2010 18:14

God I have never told anyone this but I was also assaulted age 10 by a distant family member once on a holiday trip. Luckily it didn't go too far but I still carry so much resentment to my Mother who I tried to tell by dropping massive hints.

She still thinks to this day what a great guy he is and has helped him out on many occasions Sad

This is probably not very relevant sorry, but I so wish my Mother had some kind of sensitivity to these issues. She is not a bad person but she let me down so badly on this.

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