Everything's going wrong

[HelloKittyIsMyBitch]

I wanted a child for years. I used to get very upset about being childless. I couldn't go to a resturant without getting upset. Now I feel like a fool.

I finally had a child 5 months ago. I admit I'm not taking to motherhood very well. I feel so fucking stupid :(

When we were TTC I thought that my mum could look after DD from time to time. I thought I'd be able to express GALLONS so I could hand DD to DH and grab some time to myself (this expectation wasn't helped by a friend who could claim she could express so much that she had a freezer full). And before anyone says, "why did you have a child if you just want to hand them to everyone else" - I have not been apart from my baby for longer than 2 hours IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. It's not unusual to go for 2 months without being apart from her for even 30 minutes. I am going CRAZY. If you think I'm being selfish then I'd love to hear it.

Well the relaity has been different to my pregnant expectations. I can now express 2 oz at a time. It's just not worth it.

My marriage is at braking point. My husband and I argue all the time. We resent eachother. I resent him for having a life, time alone and brakes. He resents me for being depressed all the time (no I'm not going to take anti-depressents before anyone suggests it. I do not like them).

Whenever we argue DH always says "well you wanted this for years?! You nagged for this!"

and he's right. What can I say? How can I answer that? Our miserable state is MY fault. I wanted a child for years. I am SO FUCKING STUPID.

Basically I want to know: does anyone feel like I feel? Has anyone felt like this in the past? What made life better?

DD deserves better than this. What is best for her?

I felt exactly like you 2 years ago. It's such a terrible, terrible shock haing a new baby, whether it's planned or longed for or not. Your life is not your own anymore and you are sleep deprived, you're longing for your old life, and the baby is not giving much back. It's shit. Everyone feels like that, but most don't admit it imo.
It does get better though. I don't think I enjoyed having ds until he was about 6 months.
It will get better with time. You and your dh need to support each other though, not good that he's blaming you. When you have a baby it does really highlight the gender inequality in your relationship that you might not hae realised was there.

In a month you can start weaning dd and she'll gradually begin to need less milk from you. Maybe you could give her some formula then, and someone else will be able to feed her?
I know I though formula was the devil's work, but had no choice, I had to use it, and it does take the pressure off so much if other people can feed the baby.
I so remember feeling like you, like I have made such a stupid mistake that there was no getting out of forever. I love having ds now, it just gets better and better. Hang in there.

Thanks for replying. What can I do about the state of my marriage? We hate eachother and say this to eachother infront of DD. It's so horrible :(

We genuinely do not like being around eachother anymore. And yet I'm SICK of being alone with DD.

What can I do? :(

Do you have any family or friends that can look after dd while you get out together?
Or do you ever go out anywhere with dd as a family, just for a walk or a day out or something? At the moment dd is portable and will be happy just being pushed about while you and dh have some time together. What did you like doing before dd was born?

BlueTac - I can't express much so no one else can look after DD for a stretch of time :(

I'd love to go out as a family. Any suggestions on places to go with a 4 month old? (weather permitting)

Is there anyway that my DH can lean that IANBU? He has a teenage son from a previous relationship. It was his ex's 3rd child so I have this image of her being super mum (with 3 kids experience). My HV constantly tells me that BFing is a "breeze" with subsequent children. It brakes my heart because DH's impression of motherhood must be that is that its a breeze. But I'm a first time mum so obviously I'm not measuring up to his experience with his ex. (He never mentions his ex btw but she MUST be an influence. Why else would he call me an evil bitch and shout at me and argue with me, etc).

Oh dear, I found those early months very hard indeed and the worst thing (apart from being so tired I thought I would just collapse all the time) was the fact that I didn't measure up to my own internal model of the 'ideal' mother (who was a bit saintly and patient and earth motherish). There have been quite a few threads recently in other places on MN, one on not bonding with a child early on, and I suggest you have a read of those to see that many many people struggle early on with babies and their previous expectations, and that the first year of marriage after a baby is the worst time, quite frankly.

I would not have anyone call me names, though, and if your husband starts shouting, I would remove myself from the situation. Ok, tempers get frayed in those early days and perhaps you may be shouting at him, but verbal abuse is not on and you need to tell him that.

YOu may also enjoy going back to work at some point, some people love staying at home with their babies, some love it less but blossom when working again, plus babies get much nicer when they are about 6 months onwards in my opinion. Those are options you could think about.

As for marriage, I am not able to advice, except to say that you have to draw a line in the sand that if anyone is getting completely out of order, then it has to stop, full stop, no shouting nasty things in front of the baby. Others have tried counselling, if you feel more vulnerable (and the shouting is just the tip of the iceberg, then lots of people on here recommend Women's Aid- I can't tell from your post if this name-calling is a one off in extreme frustration or part of a wider pattern in your relationship).

Be kind to yourself, the first baby is an utter shock to the system and many people either don't bond or don't like those early days (not all, obviously). Concentrate on getting out of the house to baby groups, massage, breastfeeding clubs, whatever, or plan to return to work, so you are less isolated. Once you start to feel less crazy at home, your relationship will pick up (if it doesn't then you know that's an ongoing problem).

You can go out anywhere with a 4 month old - how about going out for a nice lunch? or walk in the park?

How about contacting your local Homestart - they could match you up with a volunteer who would help reduce some of the isolation and give you someone to talk to or ideas on what to do etc.

I agree - the first few months are a nightmare - it changes the dynamic of your relationship - how about trying counselling either alone or as a couple to give you some insight into each others behaviours and hopefully some strategies to start liking and respecting each other

Thank you.

Do you think parenting your 3rd is way easier than parenting your first?

Does that mean that 3rd time parents are better at parenting than 1st time parents? Do 3rde time mums ask less of their DHs? Where does "precious" first born syndrome fit in?

DH's past experience is with a 3rd time mum. So no wonder he thinks I'm a bitch and that I can't cope.

DrS - a nice lunch? What if DD needed BFing and what if the only seat in the resturant was in full view of everyone? (Remember I can't express much)

I'd love Homestart but when I mentioned it to my HV she didn't even know who they were!

Also I hate the fact that DH is the "FUN" parent whereas I'm the "depressed, crying and grouchy" parent.

I KNOW that if HE was hormonal, breasfteeding, and at home 24/7 with full reseponsibility for DD with NO brakes - he would be the BITCH and I would be the "Disney Dad".

WTF can I do about this? I can't earn as much as him or I'd love for him to jack in his job and I'll work full time THEN he'll get a taste of this shit.

You can self refer to homestart - see here for your local one.

If you don't mind me saying but you sound very anxious - you can go out and do normal things like having lunch - does your baby latch on easily - just cover up with a muslin or scarf and people don't even notice.

I'm going to be heretical here (and I am pro-breastfeeding actually)
Would the world come to an end if you put your baby on formula?
You would probably feel more like 'you', your husband could be more involved with the baby and you would be able to leave her occasionally.
The reality of having a baby can be very different from the ideal and you are not unusual in being shocked by it.

You do sound depressed. If you had a broken leg you would accept plastering, why not see how the doctor can help?

Thanks for the Homestart link. I was excited looking at it but there is no Homestart in my area :(

Yes I do suffer from anxiety and have done for many years. Re: BFing in public I have done so a few times but only in quiet corners where I feel comfortable. It's impossible to guarantee a quiet corner when you go out.

Nanny I've gone 5 months EBFing (apparently the 'hardest' time) so I may as well keep going. Also there's a bit of competativeness going on between me and DH's ex. I can't be seen to do crapper than her (she has no idea about this competition btw. I bring it on myself). DH said that she breastfed their son so obviously I must do the same.

I've just had a good cry in the shower. It helped a little. DH has taken DD out for an hour or so. I should be immensely grateful but I can't help but feel "that isn't going to repair me".

I feel beyond repair :(

Does anyone have any comments on the 1st time mum vs 3rd time mum scenario? Is there anything that first time mums do better?

Even if you don't want to give your baby formula right now, would it seem as bad if she had the occasional bottle when she is weaned? At least you'd be able to think, well in 4 weeks, I'll be able to have a break and get out more. If you do want to continue breastfeeding though, please think of some ways that you can feel more comfortable doing it when you're out and about, or you are going to be stuck inside, and that will make you feel crazy.
What did you and your dh like doing pre baby? Days out, museums, walks? You could do all these with dd in a pram.

I am also pro-breastfeeding btw, but it's not a crime to give formula.

I agree you sound depressed. It's absolutely normal to be needed 24/7 by a baby and it certainly came as a shock to me. I had never much wanted babies and knew nothing about them though.

I was anxious about BFing in public with my first and would pop out and sit in the car if necessary. Also don't forget you can always offer a feed before the baby asks if you think it might tide you over a shopping or cafe trip.

It does sound though as if the marriage and not the baby is the problem.

Baby number 2 was a breeze for what it's worth.

I agree with the last two posters. If breastfeeding is causing this much angst that you feel you can't go out its time to call it a day. Your baby has had a brilliant start from you feeding them but honestly, having formula milk instead will no difference to the baby now and might save you from depression.

Go and buy some today and arrange to go out tomorrow. Best wishes.

"Secondly, when you're on to your third child, you know exactly how babies work, you're relaxed about it, confident, and yes - probably a better mother as you've had two previous opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. I have a 7wo DC3 and she's a breeze. Go back 5 years to our DS1, who we waited years for and it was a very different story at this age."

Thanks for clariftying. It makes me so depresseed to read that :( :( :( A lot of HCPs say what you have just said to me to reassure me, but they don't realise that it actually freaks me out more. No wonder DH hates me. His ex would have been super mum. He never saw her when she was a first time mum. She was probably a wreck back then. I feel like I really want to run away from this and never look back. I feel like I should hand over all legal parental responsibility to DH (and perhaps my mum) and go far away and start a new life. DH is never going to understand what I'm going through. All the arguing in the world isn't going to make him see how distressed I am.

I have sincerely considered adoption or handing over my parental rights.

"What did you and your dh like doing pre baby?"

We loved the following:

Playing video games.
Themeparks with big rides.
Cinema.
Resturants.

Sounds like your dh is actually making you feel worse and not offering you any support at all. Does he mention his ex a lot?

Every mum does the 'better' for their own child - please please try to stop competing otherwise you will go mad.

Go and speak to your doctor - your anxiety levels are going to be high atm given that you are undergoing such a huge life change and it sounds as if you may be suffering from pnd (i'm not a doctor btw)

you will and can feel better about parenting - you just need to feel confident in your own choices and ability. It will get easier.

its easier with your second or third child because you no longer have a life to lose!!

However, no two babies are the same, so you do get surprised by unexpected, even second/third time around.

I wonder why you are breast feeding if it is making you this stressed so the bottle idea sounds good. It just isn't worth it.

Good parenting is as much about keeping yourself sane as anything else and it sounds to me like you need to cut you (and DH) some slack. Everyone else always look like perfect parents...but they are not, trust me, we have ALL been there!!!

"Baby number 2 was a breeze for what it's worth."

This is so fucking depressing :( :( :(

It brakes my heart just reading it.

And I can't even have a drink to calm myself down (loved that pre-baby too)

So why don't you go out for something to eat and take dd at a time when she's likely to be asleep? Do you have anyone who could babysit and give dd a bottle of formula?