Everything's going wrong

[HelloKittyIsMyBitch]

I wanted a child for years. I used to get very upset about being childless. I couldn't go to a resturant without getting upset. Now I feel like a fool.

I finally had a child 5 months ago. I admit I'm not taking to motherhood very well. I feel so fucking stupid :(

When we were TTC I thought that my mum could look after DD from time to time. I thought I'd be able to express GALLONS so I could hand DD to DH and grab some time to myself (this expectation wasn't helped by a friend who could claim she could express so much that she had a freezer full). And before anyone says, "why did you have a child if you just want to hand them to everyone else" - I have not been apart from my baby for longer than 2 hours IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. It's not unusual to go for 2 months without being apart from her for even 30 minutes. I am going CRAZY. If you think I'm being selfish then I'd love to hear it.

Well the relaity has been different to my pregnant expectations. I can now express 2 oz at a time. It's just not worth it.

My marriage is at braking point. My husband and I argue all the time. We resent eachother. I resent him for having a life, time alone and brakes. He resents me for being depressed all the time (no I'm not going to take anti-depressents before anyone suggests it. I do not like them).

Whenever we argue DH always says "well you wanted this for years?! You nagged for this!"

and he's right. What can I say? How can I answer that? Our miserable state is MY fault. I wanted a child for years. I am SO FUCKING STUPID.

Basically I want to know: does anyone feel like I feel? Has anyone felt like this in the past? What made life better?

DD deserves better than this. What is best for her?

you are right, drugs are not the only way of dealing with pnd...I didn't take any but just understanding what was happening to me helped hugely.

echo homeboys thats when I weened my two!

Having your first baby is such a hideous shock isn't it, and OMG the strain it puts on your relationship. I wonder if we all knew beforehand would our species be dying out?!

Thought this might help!! Show it your DH so you know that he knows the difference between a first time mum and a third timer!

Evolution of Mom
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name
-1st baby: You pour over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.

Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distressa whimper, a frownyou pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

The OP is making herself and her dh miserable and not enjoying her dd by trying to fulfil some model of motherhood she has in her head and is also trying to "out - mother" her dhs ex! That is so sad for so many reasons.

The OP is also stating that she wont even consider taking meds....that really rings alarm bells for me (having been there).

Harsh? Perhaps. But she needs to get help and telling her its ok and it will get better all on its own and that she should continue to bf when it is obviously not working for the family is not good advice.

PND does not get better on its own.

Please go and see your GP OP.

I denied I had PND for months.

I dont want to go into too much detail but I was eventually hospitalised when my body had just had enough of no sleep and no food and constant worry over trivial stuff.

I do sympathise OP. I do. But I wish someone had told me to "grow up" go to my GP earlier.

I would also like to point out to you that bfing/formula feeding is such a tiny part of your childs life (important, yes) and when your dd gets older you will have new, different worries and challenges...weaning, walking, potty training, nursery, school.....it nevers ends!!!

Please dont make yourself so unhappy. You can do something about this.

Mixed feeding works fairly well and can continue until aged 2, possibly beyond depending on milk supply remaining and your DD still wanting 'booby'. It is something to consider if you are wanting baby-free time.

Are you going to any parent & baby groups during the day? Breastfeeding at those groups is welcome. You also get to meet other adults, caring for children can be very lonely.

Cinema's have special screenings for parents with babies. They do tend to be daytime though, so may not be ideal for DH. Could you substitute Cinema trips with DVD or online movie rentals?

Themeparks are not really open that much this time of year but come March your DD will be 8/9 months and much more able to be out and about. She will also be wanting more food by then, so by having some solids will be less dependent on breastmilk.

Restaurants - could you use more relaxed places such as coffee shops, local pubs. Choose an early dine time, so that you can feed DD and aim to have her nap for most of the time you are there.

Could you combine a local walk with a pub visit? So you and DH get time to spend together with DD out and about, then DD naps whilst you chat to DH over a meal?

In winter museums can be good to visit. There are shiny objects there for DD to look at, they often have a nice cafe, and it enables all 3 of you to spend time together.

"DH suffered a bit of collateral damage in the blast, but was able to patch up his life- I had to rebuild from ground zero"

That's exactily how I feel. But whenever I say this to DH he shouts back "But you CHOSE this!" and he's right. I don't have a leg to stand on in that argument do I?

Same with when I complain how hard BFing is. Only difference is, I have the choice to give up BFing. What can I do with my DD?

"But if you want to avoid formula, whyy not persist with expressing? If you manage to express a couple of oz each time, just freeze it and build up your stock in the freezer - before you know it you'll have enough for a feed that someone else can bottle-feed for you."

That's what I thought. But I read in the NHS "Birth to Five" book that breastmilk only lasts 2 weeks in a home freezer. Which means that the 6oz I've had stored in there for a rainy day from Oct is now worthless!

" Forget the ex, focus on what's important."

I'm so low I've lost sight of that. What is important in your opinion?

"Um - she's his ex. It doesn't matter what kind of mother she is or was, it has no bearing on your life unless your DH keeps bringing her up."

I wish that were true but I can't believe it. DH calls me a bitch and thinks I'm unreasonable. Where is he getting his idea of what a reasonable mother would be? Well he only has one other experience - his ex. He didn't have a particularly happy upbringing himself so it can't be his own mother.

"Your DD is your baby and you are her best mother and your dh's best partner"

That's a very kind thing to say. But how do you know the truth in this? I question it all the time. In my darkest hour some days I think DH's ex and DH should get back together. Her previous two kids, their kid together and DD can be a happy family together and I'll move away and leave them to it. I'll leave behind the stress of being a shitter mother. I'll wave the white flag, surrender, accept that I'm crap and move on. Leave them to it.

"you may find if you are not there, your DD won't want milk"

Story of my life. Other peoples impressions of DD (such as DH's when they're alone together on rare ocassion) are not accurate. When I'm alone with her she literally needs to be glued to my body all the time.

"Second what everyone else is saying about it being impossible to anticipate what it will be like."

Why does DH keep saying that this was my choice then? He says it a lot. That I have no right to complain because I chose this. I don't know how to counter that.

becaroodolf - how do you know that giving up BFing won't make me even more depressed? I can see it happening. I will feel like a failure.

"I have a friend who is obsessed with her DPs XW and it is so draining and unnecessary".

Can you put her in contact with me? I could do with discussing things with someone who feels the same. Are they in a similar step situation?

That's what I thought. But I read in the NHS "Birth to Five" book that breastmilk only lasts 2 weeks in a home freezer. Which means that the 6oz I've had stored in there for a rainy day from Oct is now worthless!

Are you trying to find excuses not to try to express? Sure frozen milk may go off... but you don't need to leave it in the freezer for as long. If you expressed a little each day, then by the end of the week you would have enough for a bottle.

Then again, why does it need to be a full bottle anyway? You could start off giving breastmilk... then when time to change breast, give DD to DH to feed using expressed milk, whilst you express another lot from the breast not used. If you see what I mean.

It is hard for DH to bond with DD if he isn't doing feeding in my view... so by doing a combination of breast and expressing, it may make you all happier. Worth a try isn't it?

I am sorry my comment came out wrong about baby no2. What I meant was that I was different. The baby was the same in every way as his brother.

You are not in a competition , not with his ex or anyone else. Do you have any friends with babies who you could share experiences with. Actually you might find even a passing acquaintance who is also a new first time mum might be happy to have a coffee with you at home to avoid the stress of going "out".

When I'm alone with her she literally needs to be glued to my body all the time.

It's out of habit. She has got used to being glued to you all the time.

Once feeding is over, stick her in a bouncy chair, let her roll around the floor. She can then be near you but not attached. May seem mean but you need some time to yourself... and she needs to learn that she does not need to be attached to you all the time.

DH calls me a bitch
Is he always not very nice?

I dont know that OP.

And neither do you!

When depressed its so easy to focus on trivial things and to blow things out of proportion.....has your dh given you any reason to think that he feels you are not as "good" a mother as his ex?

Is he very involved with his other dc?

I was like you....history of mc and ill health...thought I would never have dc and so longed for them.

The reality is rather different to what we think it will be isnt it? I just coulndt accept that I was depressed about something that I had wanted for so long.

If you give up bfing (or mix feed) you will not be a failure.

I (and several others on this thread) formula fed. Are we failures?

HelloKitty- I'm kind of getting the impression that your DH wasn't as keen to have a baby as you were? It's really not fair of him to throw the "you chose this" line back at you, because surely he was involved in the decision? Yes, maybe you wanted it more than he did, but that doesn't give him a free pass to be unsupportive and a downright bastard (can't believe he would call you a bitch ) He needs to man up, and accept that HE was involved with this child's birth (unless there was a star in the East??) and HE needs to play a role in her upbringing, even if that role is just supporting you with your choices.

I know I said it before, but I'd really urge you to get out and get involved with other mums- just knowing that most mums are less-than-perfect, that many are insecure about lots of things and that you can all help each other is very empowering.

(Oh, and one of the reasons I gave up bfing with ds2 after a few weeks was that, despite having LOADS of milk I could not express more than 1oz. Its not uncommon. ds2 was wanting to feed for 16 hours per day. Just couldnt do it. I have another ds1 that needed me too)

Agree with what jooly said

nannynick - so is it true that froken BM only keeps for 2 weeks? So I may as well throw that milk out? I've heard differwent things.

I kept my expressed BM for more than 2wks in the freezer, but it's possible guidelines have changed..

If you do really want to express, things that helped me were, an electric pump (couldn't get anything with those hand pump thingys) and expressing from one boob while dd was on the other.

are there any MNers in your area? You really sound like you need a friend.

Motherhood is not a competition. You just ARE your dc's Mum, like your foot is your foot. The first thing you have to do is sort yourself. A lot of the problems, e.g. worrying about your dh's ex, worrying about bfing in public, sound as if they stem from the fact that you are very unhappy in your own skin.

So many people are like this. Some of them are new Mums and therefore it impacts on their "job" as a new Mum. If you weren't doing that, I reckon you'd be thinking you were a rubbish Dr, or a rubbish flower arranger or whatever it was you were doing. You need to be happy as yourself first.

Thanks for your time everyone.

I'd like to sit down with DH this evening and discuss calmly how we can make our lives better. But I don't know how to do this. We can't seem to stay calm. We always argue. Any suggestions? Tips? Starting points for the discussion?

Obviously we'll have to do it with DD in the room so there can't be arguments.

Totally agree with Lola; I struggled on for ages BFing and feeling dreadful about everything. Single best thing i did was se my GP who did give meds but it really helped a lot and then I could keep BFing as I wanted too (though if I had my time over again I prob would FF and not get myself so upset to start with). You are setting yourself some very tough standards to meet - it's not necessary - aim to survive each day - I do and my DCs are 13, 10 and 4, never mind with new babay which is even harder.

stickylittlefingers - I used to think I was lush. Funny, attractive, man-magnet, intelligent (seriously). I've lost my self-esteem.

There doesn't need to be arguments. I think you should be able to calmly explain to your DH that you are, understandably and like many many women before you, finding it tough getting to grips with your new role in life.

That his support would really help. That his belittling you and blaming you and calling you nasty names DO NOT help, and will, in fact make things an awful lot worse.

I would ask him if he feels he is able to be a supportive husband and a hands-on father, or if he'd prefer to walk right now.

I would explain that if you feel he is on your side, things will feel much easier and both your lives will improve. You do also need to listen (calmly!!) to his side- he will no doubt tell you he can't understand why you are unhappy when this is what you wanted/ that he can't seem to do anything right/ that he gets irritated by your "moods"/ depression/ whatever.

You do need to listen and decide if there are things you could do to try to make it better too. He is quite possibly unhappy too, wondering what happened to the woman he knew (I think men don't always understand that when you become a mother you change a bit too!) If you say, ok, I am thinking of trying to get out more, to get some semblance of a life back, to get back to how I used to be (but a bit different!), would you be willing to help and support me while I try to achieve that? Can you be patient and have some understanding?

Don't get me wrong, I don't for one minute condone his behaviour towards you, but you need to listen to his side too, and discuss his issues, or he will just feel like he is getting "yet another" telling off/ tirade and another argument will ensue! Good luck

I don't know how to be confident as a new mum because I've never done this before. Where can I get my confidence from? My abilities? (I have none because I'm only just leaning). From books? (They all say different things). From tangible results? (like what? DD is a slow weight gainer)

Your confidence should come from the fact that you have a beautiful dd and YOU, yes you, someone with no previous experience with babies, have single-handedly managed to keep her alive for 5 months!!!

I used to be impressed at myself for that, I truly did!

(I've had hamsters live less time than that, and I am a bloody vet! Abilities be damned!)

NHS guidelines are that breast milk can be stored in ice compartment of fridge for 2 weeks or 6 months in freezer.

I have to disagree about your dh feeding the baby. It is perfectly easy for a father to bond with a baby without feeding it. You don't have to express, you don't have to give formula, if you don't want to. Give her both breasts and then she will be fine for 2 or 3 hours with someone else. She might cry or fuss but probably just because she is bored or tired or frustrated with not being able to do what she wants.

You do seem very anxious from your posts. I would suggest saying to dh that you did want a baby with him very much but you didn't know it would be this hard (who does?) and you are learning how to do it. You and him need to work as a team to get through this patch. Maybe agree on some ground rules - no raised voices in front of the baby, he will take her for x amount of time so you can get out, you will work on something he finds difficult in your behaviour etc.