Everything's going wrong

[HelloKittyIsMyBitch]

I wanted a child for years. I used to get very upset about being childless. I couldn't go to a resturant without getting upset. Now I feel like a fool.

I finally had a child 5 months ago. I admit I'm not taking to motherhood very well. I feel so fucking stupid :(

When we were TTC I thought that my mum could look after DD from time to time. I thought I'd be able to express GALLONS so I could hand DD to DH and grab some time to myself (this expectation wasn't helped by a friend who could claim she could express so much that she had a freezer full). And before anyone says, "why did you have a child if you just want to hand them to everyone else" - I have not been apart from my baby for longer than 2 hours IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. It's not unusual to go for 2 months without being apart from her for even 30 minutes. I am going CRAZY. If you think I'm being selfish then I'd love to hear it.

Well the relaity has been different to my pregnant expectations. I can now express 2 oz at a time. It's just not worth it.

My marriage is at braking point. My husband and I argue all the time. We resent eachother. I resent him for having a life, time alone and brakes. He resents me for being depressed all the time (no I'm not going to take anti-depressents before anyone suggests it. I do not like them).

Whenever we argue DH always says "well you wanted this for years?! You nagged for this!"

and he's right. What can I say? How can I answer that? Our miserable state is MY fault. I wanted a child for years. I am SO FUCKING STUPID.

Basically I want to know: does anyone feel like I feel? Has anyone felt like this in the past? What made life better?

DD deserves better than this. What is best for her?

"Sounds like your dh is actually making you feel worse and not offering you any support at all. Does he mention his ex a lot?"

He does support by doing some nappies, bringing DD to me for night feeds and today he has took her out for 2 hours (although that last one is NOT a regular occurance).

No he doesn't mention his ex. For some reason I'm fixated on her. I'm not sure exactily why. I've never even spoke to the woman.

I don't want to give formula. Please don't ask me to. I set myself a goal as per WHO guidelines and I wish to at least attempt to attain it.

Giving formula would make me even more depressed, honest.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. From what you have posted though it sounds as if the ex wife situation is making you anxious more than anything else.

You really need to stop competing with her, you don't know what kind of mother she was so you have nothing to compare. Please try and focus on your family and put any thoughts about the ex wife out of your mind.

Hello,

I felt like you 8 yrs ago.

It gets better!

1.) it is OK to move to bottles, especially if you are having such a hard time. Really, it is FINE! You've done your bit with breast, time soon to wean, your baby will be fine. I did not do bottles, and fed my baby for a year, as you, I was unable to express milk in good quantities. I thought that being a good mother, I HAD TO breastfeed. For a year at least.

2.) It gets easier all the time. Take opne day at a time. Your baby will start sleeping through at some point.

3.) Spoil yourself. You are going through a lot. It is not easy. Have a bath, buy a nice magazine, buy yourself a massive caramel macchiato, buy yourself a nice book to read.

4.) come and chat to us on here

5.) See your GP, your hormones maybe out of balance and even if you don't want to take pills, it helps having an official diagnosis of depression. That way you can admiot to yourself you are not well, and need help.

6.) Ask DP and your mum to help with the bottles, as when baby smeels you (and your milk) he will not accept the bottle.

7.) you have done an amazing job so far, don't beat yourself up!

I felt exactly the same as you when ds was a tiny baby. I'm not a bad mother, but it took me a while to settle into the new role and gain confidence in myself. I also had feeding problems and tortured myself with that, as I had always wanted to bf and felt ashamed at the idea of giving formula, but I had to. Once he was having some bottles of formula, things got easier for me, and he was more portable, and I felt so much less stressed.
If he liked his ex so much and they had such a great relationship, they would still be together.

you're not in a competition-no one else cares how you feed your baby.I defy you to be able to tell which of my children was EBF for 6 mths and which had formula from about4 months.

PLease don't be so hard on yourself' Having a first baby is hard but it shouldn't be this miserable-and if it is you need to do something about it for all your sakes.

I think you have PND

You need meds. I didnt wnat them either and suffered for 15 months. Within a month things were so much better.

It will get better.

You are EBFing because thats what your dhs ex did? You know thats mad, right???? What if bfing isnt right for you????

Motherhood is not a competion.

Get some help.

Oh I so feel for you! I think an awful awful lot of first-time mums feel like you, especially now when we tend to put off having babies until we get older, and "look forward" to becoming a mum for longer, so that the reality would always find it hard to live up to the expectation.

I described having my first as having a bomb going off in the middle of my life- everything I was used to completely reduced to rubble! DH suffered a bit of collateral damage in the blast, but was able to patch up his life- I had to rebuild from ground zero! Telling him this went some way to explaining why I found it so difficult.

the good news is you will rebuild, and the life you build will almost certainly be better than the one that is currently lying in the dust!

the best thing I did was to get some "mummy-friends" I was shameless- I went to baby massage, smiled at other mums like a loon, chatted to everyone I saw with a baby Finally joined a post-natal exercise class which was my lifesaver. Firstly, because it resmbled something I used to be able to do in my old life, and made me feel better about myself. You could bring your baby, too, and noone batted an eye at you stopping mid-squats to breastfeed. Secondly I met a group of girls who felt just the same as I did- it was wonderful! It also took the pressure off my DH to be my sole confidente/ support, and things got SO much better. I know it can seem like a real effort to get out and push yourself forward with this kind of thing, but I promise you it is worth it on lots of levels.

You are doing brilliantly! Babies this age are hard work. The great news is it does get easier, I promise! But you are definitely not odd in the way you are feeling.

I had boardline PND with thing1 and it was partly wrapped up in worrying that I was going to be crap. Tiredness was a big factor too.

When thing2 came along, there was no such issue.

I would also consider going to the doctor. Seeing an interview with Brooke Shields helped me massively understand my emotions. try www.amazon.co.uk/Down-Came-Rain-Depression-Recovery/dp/071814841X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1291471509&sr=1-1

Once I realised how common my feelings were (and that the 'you're worthless crap' voice in my head was common) I began to get control back.

You have been exclusively breastfeeding your child for 5 months? That is brilliant - a lot longer than most women manage ~(myself included!) You will NOT be undoing all your good work if you give the odd bottle of formula. Your baby will be starting on solids soon so will be trying a whole range of stuff apart from breastmilk.

But if you want to avoid formula, whyy not persist with expressing? If you manage to express a couple of oz each time, just freeze it and build up your stock in the freezer - before you know it you'll have enough for a feed that someone else can bottle-feed for you.

You sound like you want to "win" against your DH's ex but all you're achieving is making yourself very unhappy. Is your relationship worth saving, do you think? Is it worth getting some couples counselling? Forget the ex, focus on what's important.

Um - she's his ex. It doesn't matter what kind of mother she is or was, it has no bearing on your life unless your DH keeps bringing her up.
What does your mum think about all this?

Motherhood is not a competition and whilst it is admirable to have goals they have to be realistic. Your child would benefit far more from a relaxed happy mum and supportive dad than from all the breast milk in the world.

He doesn't mention his ex because she's ex.

I know that you can see being in competition with some woman who you don't even know is not wise and causing you needless anxiety - I know you know this. Easy to know, not so easy to stop.

You sound like you feel like my friend who also suffers from anxiety. She also fixated on bf and put herself in competition with me (ds was one month older than her ds) - I didn't know this competition was happening until much later). It was all so pointless, of course she didn't know about all the problems we were having, all the things I felt I was doing wrong. She just had this idea that I was excl bf and she must do the same for as long as I did no matter what. Anyway, she felt much better when she moved to mixed feeding at 6 months. That's when she told me about the pressure she'd felt. I really didn't know what to say tbh.

This isn't about his ex. It's about you. Your DD is your baby and you are her best mother and your dh's best partner. Please try to be kinder to yourself.

Perhaps you should put your dds wellbeing and your marriage before your "goal" of bfing???

Bet you had a 4 page birth plan too, didnt you?

Look, I know I sound harsh but the WHO guidelines are just that - guidelines.

My 2 were bf and formula fed. I tried to follow the guidelines but it didnt work for us.

You are making yourself and your husband miserable and youa re ot enjoying your dd. Hows that working for you?

Grow up!

You asked if there was anything that women with first babies can do better than women with 3rd child.

I'll tell you! You have time on your hands to do stuff with your DD, sing to her, play with her, take her for walks in a sling/pushchair. You can sit and watch DVD boxsets while your DD feeds. You can put her in a sling and get the housework done in relative peace. My third child is 4 months old and sometimes I feel sorry for her because she just gets carted around while i look after my DSs and make sure the mess in the house doesn't become entirely unacceptable.

You do sound quite negative and i disagree with others that you should put your DD on a bottle because bf is obviously so important to you but I would also suggest a trip to your GP. You may well have PND. Please stop comparing yourself to the ex wife. I have a friend who is obsessed with her DPs XW and it is so draining and unnecessary.

You're damn right you sound harsh becaroodolf

My third child was nearly the end of me. 1 and 2 were a doddle.

Please: get some formula - it doesn't mean the end of breastfeeding, if you are worried about your supply dropping, just try and express, or just accept that one feed will be formula. Why is that so bad? Then you can leave DC with someone and a bottle and get away for a few hours. Do this today!

that's harsh beca and I don't think Op needs a telling off!

I bf dd for 9 months and ds for a year. I only did it by weening both at 4-5 months. It the choice I made that was right for me and baby.
I'm glad I bf but I think each mum has the total right to decide what is best for them.

That's the key...do what's right for you regardless of what a manuel says. You are in charge and you make your own decisions.

inspite of feeling like crap...it will get better...it did for the rest of us, and it will for you.

"No he doesn't mention his ex. For some reason I'm fixated on her. I'm not sure exactily why. I've never even spoke to the woman."

HelloKitty you must stop comparing yourself to someone you have never met.

You sound massively insecure, and I am not surprised tbh. I am appauled at the language your 'D'H is using towards you. Why is he not supporting you, instead of blaming you?

I am so sorry for you.

Please stop trying to look beyond your situation at what someone else may or may not have done. Your baby isn't interested in the ex. She is interested in you. You are the most fabby fab thing in her life. Do you have any friends nearby? You sound very alone.

You say 'Everything is going wrong.' Don't think about 'Everything.' There is something that is going very right - you have a beautiful baby who wants to be on your side. You just have to figure out how to feel about it all.

Oh and please try and bf in public. You have to bite the bullet sometimes. And once you've done it a few times, you won't give a damn. I've bf on planes, at swimming pools, hospitals, trains, buses, supermarkets, McDonalds on a Saturday morning in the window seat.... I've never had a comment (at least not to my face, but then I'm old and ugly ).

OK, so I might sound harsh too, but it seems to me that the things that would help you most are starting on formula so you can ge t a break, and talking to a doctor to see if you need any help with your moods.
I was exactly the same as you, absolutely determined to BF and hated the idea of anti depressants. And guess what? I formula fed and I was on prozac. I hated myself at the time for both things, but looking back I only wish I'd done them sooner. IMHO, I had a responsibility to make myself OK so that my relationship with my DD and DH could survive. And if that meant doing stuff I didn't want to, so be it.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but if you're here looking for honest advice then there's mine.
Take care!

the ex in your head is not a real person but a projection of the perfect mum you think your ought to be.

That perfection just does not exist!!!!

What others have said about how well you have done so far is true!

...please consider talking to doctor/hv about pnd...its more common than you think.

If I can venture a timid opinion..

I think the OP should try to avoid anti-D's, especially as that is obviously something that she doesn't want. Everyone is very quick to diagnose PND over the net, but the OP, to me, has valid reasons for feeling the way she does, and I'm not convinced that drugs are the best answer.

before anyone tells me off, I'm not saying she doesn't have PND, or that people who have PND shouldn't take ADs. It's just that I recognise a lot of the frustration and sadness from my own experience, and anti-Ds wouldn't have helped. I needed to get back in control of my own life, through my own efforts, to feel better. To say that the OP needs medical intervention is to say that the feelings she is experiencing are somehow physiologically not normal, and I'm not sure that is the case.