Everything's going wrong

[HelloKittyIsMyBitch]

I wanted a child for years. I used to get very upset about being childless. I couldn't go to a resturant without getting upset. Now I feel like a fool.

I finally had a child 5 months ago. I admit I'm not taking to motherhood very well. I feel so fucking stupid :(

When we were TTC I thought that my mum could look after DD from time to time. I thought I'd be able to express GALLONS so I could hand DD to DH and grab some time to myself (this expectation wasn't helped by a friend who could claim she could express so much that she had a freezer full). And before anyone says, "why did you have a child if you just want to hand them to everyone else" - I have not been apart from my baby for longer than 2 hours IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. It's not unusual to go for 2 months without being apart from her for even 30 minutes. I am going CRAZY. If you think I'm being selfish then I'd love to hear it.

Well the relaity has been different to my pregnant expectations. I can now express 2 oz at a time. It's just not worth it.

My marriage is at braking point. My husband and I argue all the time. We resent eachother. I resent him for having a life, time alone and brakes. He resents me for being depressed all the time (no I'm not going to take anti-depressents before anyone suggests it. I do not like them).

Whenever we argue DH always says "well you wanted this for years?! You nagged for this!"

and he's right. What can I say? How can I answer that? Our miserable state is MY fault. I wanted a child for years. I am SO FUCKING STUPID.

Basically I want to know: does anyone feel like I feel? Has anyone felt like this in the past? What made life better?

DD deserves better than this. What is best for her?

I think this is the problem Kitty - you can't expect being a new mum to give you confidence. You need the confidence to start of with (I realise this is "I wouldn't start from here" advice!). A lack of self confidence isn't going to help with your relationship with your dh either. I'm not at all saying it is your fault, or that he is not behaving like an arse, just that it's hard to tell through the lens of low self esteem which are the real problems and which are perceived problems.

Like Jooly, I was impressed when dd1 was still alive after 6 months. Actually, impressed is not the right word - astonished was more like it! My mum told me over and over that I had "no common sense" (with good grounds and I believed her), so I was sure I'd do something stupid.

I'm sure a huge majority of new mums have this, and it's exacerbated if you have other self doubts too (I wasn't worried about an ex, I just thought I was the worst, full stop).

I bet you are lush too

I think you're not only anxious but also you seem to be talking yourself out of anything that might improve the situation. I get the impression that what you want above all else is for your DH to appreciate your efforts and recognise that you are a good mum. I also think you want him to tell you you're a better mother than his ex, and that's a really unhealthy thing to look for. You can't compare mothers because they all have different children. As Jooly said, at this age keeping them alive for another day is all you're aiming for.

Talk to your HV - you need support as a whole family. Talk to her or your GP about the possibility of depression. You don't have to resort to meds. And leave your daughter with your mum (google breastfeeding network expressing and storing leaflet) and sit down and ask your DH for help to work towards a happier family life.

This will get better.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but expressing 2oz at a time is worth it. That's 2 hrs. Two expresses, one 4oz bottle and then you have up to 4 hrs away. Or use formula.

Even if you can't leave DD you need to spend time with other people, e.g. just round your mums for a few hours.

As for problems with DH, your baby has just brought stuff to the fore I'd imagine, not the one and only cause.

I think you've been corrected about the freezer thing. But basically if you defrost it and it doesn't smell off you're fine.

As others have said you need to speak to someone and that doesn't mean you have to take meds. Someone can help you understand that wanting something doesn't mean that you have to enjoy it thoroughly when it comes and can't complain (no-one says that about marriage).

When your ready you need to take a deep breath and make the first step of doing something (anything) to start to help yourself

Haven't read all the replies but just want to say that I felt totally useless as well - we ttc for 5 years before having dd1 and I (and dh) had all sorts of ideas and preconceptions about what it was going to be like.
I remember the first night home from hospital dh and I had a massive arguement with him storming off in tears because he couldn't handle dd1 crying all the time - I remember feeling so isolated and torn between my dd and dh. DD1 was a nightmare to bf and eventually we switched to combination feeding - dh giving her one bottle of formula each night - this worked really well for us as dh felt involved and I got time off every evening while dh put dd to bed (no matter she woke up 2 hrs later - it gave me space!!)

• you do the best you can at the time

• what you do is totally different to what other people do
• you will come out of this, the first year is the hardest
• babies at your dds are portable - even if you go and find a quiet corner in starbucks - stick dd on your boob and have a coffee with dh its something, go for a drive - dd can zonk in the back and you can park somewhere scenic and have a picnic.. talk about everything and nothing - what dh is doing at work, the weather just talk
• try to remember that dh will have completely forgotten what the realities were like when his ds was a tiny baby - heck I forget in between the 2 year gap with mine!!

and come on here for a rant anytime.
hth xx

NCT say "Studies differ on how long it retains its protective properties when frozen, but up to two weeks in the freezer compartment of a fridge and up to 6 months in a freezer that stays at 18ºC or lower is recommended as safe."
(Source)

So it depends on how well frozen it is... assuming it's in a freezer not an icebox, then it will be fine to use now. Defrost it fully before use, do not refreeze.
Further info and support from: NCT Breastfeeding line: 0300 330 0771

It may be worth you joining your local NCT group, so you have local people who you can call for advice, plus get to meet others in your area with young children.

We always argue. Any suggestions?
As soon as you feel that an argument is about to start... give each other a hug. That also works with children, can help defuse a situation.

I don't know how to be confident as a new mum because I've never done this before.

I'm not a mum, so I don't know what it's like being a mum. I've cared for other peoples children for 20 years now... so come across the same things time and time again. Parents with more children will be more confident with say their 3rd child, then they were with their first. When caring for a baby for the first time, everyone is on a steep learning curve. A lot of things come down to trial and error. You get to know what faces your child makes to indicate their needs, get to know the noises they make and as time goes by and you recognise those needs better, you feel more confident.

Your child will pick up on your feelings... so if you are positive about things, they will pick up on that. It's why when someone who is used to babies picks one up, the baby tends to remain happy... as the person holding them is giving off positive vibes. It's something to do with how brains connect to each other... I think. Not sure what research there is into it - the brain is not well understood by medical science.

So try to think positively, think that you are confident in your abilities.

DH and I just had a terrible argument which ended in him storming off to the shop and me putting DD in snowsuit and pram and dragging pram through the snow heading to no where inparticular. DH found me in the end :(

nannynick - what is "the freezer compartment of a fridge"? We have a fridge freezer. Is thatb what it means? Sorry if that sounds retarded.

Oh no, what happened? Is there anyone you can speak to about how you are feeling?

freezer compartment is for the fridges that have a little freezer cubby hole at the top. You have to open the fridge to get to the freezer compartment. Fridge freezers can independent access to both parts so it counts as a separate freezer.

Do you have friends of family nearby, do you go to any mother and baby classes?

You sound like me, a perfectionist and you are always feeling like youve failed because you want everything to be 'picture perfect'.

I cant tell you how anxious thats made me in the past, I am on dc2 now and I wouldnt say I am a 'better' mother than I was before.

For example, in business if a young protege was rising through the ranks and amazing everyone with their skills they'd still be great and someone who was 'average' but mroe experienced wouldnt be 'better' if that makes sense?

Kitty, I haven't read the entire thread, but I have read your OP, and there are parts of it that I could have written myself about a year ago. My DD is now 15 months old, and I feel much much better. I used to resent DP fpr getting to go to work and speak to grown ups, even for the commute to work, because at least then he got to sit for 40mins and had them ALL TO HIMSELF!

I resented myself too, for not being how I usd to be...I missed my old confidence, my old body, my old figure, then Iresented myself for thinking all those things instead of wallowing in Motherhood, as everyone else seemed to.

I adored my DD, but I would be lying if I said I didn't find it bloody hard work for a while.

I was exactly like you in that i absolutely would not give her formula, or take anti depressants, and the good news is; I got through it without doing either of those things.

I don't know if it's useful, but these are the things I did do that really helped;

1. I started taking DD to a free rhythym time class that was run by my local sure start center.. I know it sounds really silly, but i'd taken her to other groups, but this was the first one where I started to meet Mums I could chat to. I had no family or "mum friends" near by, but it was SO nice to get out and do something - I'd bump into the other Mums in town quite often, and just having a familiar adult face to say hello to made all the difference! You may feel like you are foring yourself at first, but it really helped me. Silly as it may sound...rhythym time became my lifeline for a while!!

2. I visited my HV, and explained to her how I was feeling. It took me a long time to pluck up the courage (I finally managed it when DD was almost 7months old) but I really wish i'd done it sooner. She was so understanding, and she put me in touch ith another Mum who was feeling the same, we still meet for coffee and a chat now. Apart from anything else, she made me feel like it wasn't stupid to feel the way I did; that my feelings were valid, andperfectly normal/ to be expected - that in itself, was a MASSIVE step in starting my recovery.

3. I started being honest with people about how i was feeling, and as soon as I did, other Mums agreed with me...basically we all felt like it was bloody hard work, we'd all struggled at one point or another, but hadn't admitted it to each other.

4. DP and I have a "date night" once a fortnight. Not a huge night out or anything. Usually we just eat a nice meal together after DD is asleep. We'll get a film out, and snuggle up to watch it together. It helps me to feel like his DP, and not just a Mummy.

I think you feel like, as a Mum, you should JUST KNOW how to do it. You should JUST b able to do it, and you should be able to cop. I used to look at all the other Mums, and think that they were all so perfect and capable, and coping so well. But, I think, like with anything, you have to LEARN how to do it. It takes time to get good at it. I look back at the first 8 months and feel like a totally different person now. So much happier, but that's because I've had some practise at being a Mummy now.

Also DP and I went through a dreadful patch, it's so so hard when you're not sleeping, you're still both settling into a HUGE life change (possibly for you more than him?) Keep hugging, keep talking, keep trying to explain calmu how you are feeling. Don't yell ( I KNOW that's hard) but do ask him for a bit of time to yourself if you need it. But also make tme for the pair of you.

This post is so long, and probably full of typos, but I so related to your OP. I really hope something I've written may be of some use, even if it's just knowing you're not the onloy Mummy to feel this way.

Take care of yourself. Have a nice bath, paint your toenails...sleep!!

Please pm me if you need to.

xx

just seen how long my above post is...sorry!

How are you doing today kitty?

I missed out on a lot of this thread yesterday as I took dd to see 'megamind' at the cinema. She is now 5 and seeing her experience 3D cinema whilst stuffing her face with popcorn was a complete and utter delight!! I am so proud of her it bursts.

This is the same dd who I had a struggle with as a baby. Voices in my head telling me how crap I was as a mum etc. A hideous time, really!

Do ask for help from HV or doctor.

It won't really be that long until you are sending supportive messages to other distraght mums on MN.

Ps you get confident by realising that you are doing way way more right than you give yourself credit for

Everytime I try to ask someone for help, they always try to force formula on me. I've stopped asking for help now.

I have a 16month old dd, and the first 6 months of her life were the worst months of my life. After a consequent 6 months of counselling, meeting other women with pnd (i strongly recommend this, ask your HV about groups running in your nearerst childrens centre?) and taking antidepressants (i was so not keen to, was and still am breastfeeding, but talked lots to la leche league and feel confident it was for the best)i slowly got better. Now my dp and i are going to couples counselling, hoping that goes somewhere positive..
i just want to send my heart out to you and say it does, DOES get easier. i never believed people when they said so, but its true.

This business of whose a better mum, a first-timer or 3rd timer - this is just depression's way of keeping you feeling like shit. threre is no point comparing yourself to someone who in your mind is a fictional supermum. you have no idea how she really coped inside, with any of them.

can someone look after dd for a couple of hours even, in the day or eve, and you and your dh go out for a bit of lunch and a drink? get out the house and somewhere neutral, and talk to each other like human beings.

Hellokitty, too haven't read every single reply (most of them) but your OP really rang many bells with me - and I managed to EBF till DD was 14 months, and didn't suffer from PND.

Every time my DH went out of the room, I would ask where he was going, how long he was going to be and think to myself 'I'm stuck with the F'ing baby' - to my shame now, but I've forgiven myself because I know how flipping hard motherhood is.

I felt emotionally unable to express how I felt, intellectually stale (I'm a teacher, so went from talking to 150-200 people a day to one, who couldn't talk back)and frustrated that I couldn't have any freedom.

WHen I went for my first walk out of the house without DD, it felt wierd and light to not have the weight of a sling or the pressure of a pushcahir in front of me - DD was about 5 months old.

Before DD was born, I never thought there was a world in which we would split up (I'm not naive - I know it could happen, of course), but after DD's birth everything felt so precarious.

I have to say, though, that my DH has been incredibly supportive - more so, I'm afraid for you, than your DH sounds. My DH took alot of weight on his shoulders.

I'm trying to think of things that might help - one thing I would say is, that when DD stopped feeding in the night - well, to be more truthful, I decided that I would stop feeding her at night at about 5 months - though she is a good weight and always has been - I understand you might worry about that. But it meant that DH could (and did) get up with her, and the extra rest really helped.

Another thing is that I am a real group joiner - in fact, I ran my own grou pfor a while as there was none locally. I found venting really helped, and other people seemed to fel similar, so that we could help each other but moaning to each other meant, we all knew, that it would not be shared, gossiped about or even taken too seriously - it was just helping offload too many feelings.

I hope you start to feel better soon.

Oh, and by the way, we are madly TTC DC2 - I am desperate, and DD is only 1.4.

HelloKitty What's stopping you feeding when you're out though, don't think you've really said.

HelloKitty, just wanted to add my voice to those who have been there also. For the first 6 or 7 months I didn't even feel like my own person any more. DD was beautiful, healthy and perfectly normal in terms of sleep (as in 'what sleep?!' :)) etc but I couldn't get it out of my head that I must be all wrong for this because I couldn't hack it. I was miserable (although not PND, well meaning relatives kept trying to label me with it as an explanation for my mood and withdrawal). DH and I were only just getting along. I was so snappy and overly sensitive to everything he said and even though I could feel myself reacting negatively to absolutely everything, I couldn't help myself. He started reacting to me in the same way.

I felt like I had gone from having a full, enjoyable, fun life with many facets and interests to a life that involved only one thing. Like IBlameThePenguins I resented that DH could go to work, get some semblance of normal life back and have the 45 minute commute to read his book and be himself. I felt like I was never myself anymore and good for nothing but as a warm body and food for DD.

I was determined to continue to BF DD also. I know exactly how you feel. I knew no one who BF past 4 months except my mum who did it 30 years ago. The thing that got me through resenting it was when I was complaining bitterly to mum one day who said to me "You don't have to enjoy it, you just have to accept it". It helped adjust my attitude towards it. I have never been good at expressing either and have to work for 3 or 4 days to get a bottles worth. It keeps in the freezer for 2 months. Needless to say I didn't express much but I made myself get good at feeding in public. Please give it a go, it really does get easier after a couple of times. I am still BF now and know that I will make it to the 12 months without formula. I'm not anti-formula, but like you I didn't feel like it was the answer for me.

I remember saying to DH one day that I just felt so sad and angry all the time. He found it hard to understand but tried to find things to make me feel like I wasn't alone and like I was still a person and had nothing to do with DD, like buying me a chocolate bar on the way home from work etc.

DD is 10 months this week and I do now feel like myself again. I am happy, DD is happy and fun, and DH is happy. It took a concerted effort on my part to try to change things for myself. I didn't consciously make the adjustment until about 7.5 months and it took me a good month to feel the improvement. I tried small things like taking DD to the shops where so many people would stop and say how lovely she was. I would look at her through their eyes and try to appreciate that she was. I also MADE myself react positively to conversations with DH. I had to try very hard not to take everything he said the wrong way but I got there. Once I started making that change, his attitude and reaction to me started changing as well. Sometimes I had to really grit my teeth and do it but it was so worth it. I made sure I told him a couple of times a week that I appreciated him going to work/hanging out the washing/giving DD a bath and he started reciprocating by telling me what a great job I was doing.

I really hope that things improve for you soon. It sounds like, while you are desperately unhappy, you are still doing so many wonderful things for your DD and also for your DH by raising a beautiful daughter.

Right I haven't got time to read all of it properly so sorry if im covering old ground or picking you up wrong.

I feel you have alot of built up issues over his ex and this is spoiling alot of what should be a nice experience for you both.

It must be hard for you wondering if he is compairing you to his ex's mothering skills but I doubt if men think that much (we are guilty of over thinking things).

Your first is tough. I gave up breast feeding at 5 months and once the enitial decision was made and the first few days of bottle feeding (and weeping) passed it was a relief.

I now have a second and im still feeding at 1 year - main reason - when you have other children and your totally unorganised like me, making a bottle or 6 might push you over the edge.
I hated BF for the first 5/6 months too but it quickly became easy when she was on solids and only got fed 3 times a day.
Don't think you will never have time to go out again. Of course you will.

By the way, Expressing is one way to destroy your soul! I started giving my DD a bottle of formula at the bed time feed around 5/6 months.
I give her a quick feed before her bath to keep the milk supply going and to keep her happier at bath time then I give her a bottle before bed.
It meant I could have a babysitter put her to bed, go to the gym etc.

It didn't effect my milk at all im still doing it and she is one next week.

You have to forget compairing yourself to others, this is exactly what seems to be causing "everything going wrong".
This is YOUR first baby and you have to do what you can to make it enjoyable instead of pressuring yourself silly. Young babies are HARD no matter what number you are on. The good news is they don't stay like that for long - phew!

OP, I just came back to this thread to see if you had returned and if you were ok.

I read a few more of your posts .

I hadn't seen the one about handing her to DH or adoption and asking what is better about first time mums.

First - why did your DH and ex split?

Is there any chance he would go back to her?

I expect not as he has moved on totally by being with you and having a child.

3rd time mums - MASSIVE BUCKET FANNY
Not you lovely MNrs who are third time mums, just OP's ex!!

The more children you have the more stress there is. I have two, my brother has 3.

There's more...washing ironing, moaning, arguments in the house, house is an even bigger tip and unlike first baby you don't seem to get back to normal with the house (or your body) stress, noise, less time for the couple. Less babysitters willing (when the baby able to be sat for) less sex I could go on and on.
Seriously, once you get by the really tough few months it will all ease out.

When my DS was little and it was only him, boy was life easier. It was just easier to eventually fit in little bits of time for you and couple/fun time.

I have found with both children, it takes about a year for your marriage to slowly return to normal in all departments. I seriously didn't fancy my DH for the first 5 months of both of them. I just wanted to slap him for leaving the house every day .

THIS ALL PASSES AND IS SLOWLY FORGOTTEN.

It must be, or all us bucket fannies wouldn't be stupid enough to do it again.

DH often does DD's bath in the evenings and gets her ready for bed. It's lovely bonding time for them and I get to have a hot cuppa without interuption. I help get everything ready for him (towel, nappy, PJs) and then leave him to it. No comments on how it's done, as long as DD doesn't drown I don't really care

I agree with perserving with the expressing and maybe find a breastfeeding group to go to. They might have more advice or maybe you could borrow an electric pump to try. Plus some adult conversation and an opportunity to BF in public. I also bought a hootie-hider shawl (over-priced for what it is) but it meant I felt more confident BFing in public until I was ready to do without it. Also BF your DD infront of a mirror so you can see what other's see (or don't!) - I found this useful to practice the technique. Layered clothing works well too, pull a vest top down and jumper up.

We used formula on the odd occassion (from a ready mixed carton so easy for DH). I went away overnight (36hrs) on a work conference when DD was 5mo and left her with DH. I never managed to express so had no choice. DD was fine with the bottle and I had an amazing time too (although it was a little odd). You don't need to switch to formula but you could have a standby carton for DH/mum/friend while you go out for an hour or so.

Personally, I'd also see your GP and/or HV for some advice on how you're feeling.

I would add...

That I agree with you perserving with the expressing if that's what you really want to do. You shouldn't feel guilty for switching to formula either permanently or occassionally.

Plus, it appears you can keep EBM in the freezer for longer than you think so you should be able to build up a stock for a bottle.

I only get 2oz at a time when I express as well, but if you do it every day that's over a bottle a week! I find it easiest to do it when I'm feeding, but I know not everyone does.

And as above it will keep for 6months in the freezer and about 5-7 days in the fridge.

I would also suggest you practice bfing in public, because it's so bad for you to feel stuck in the house. Where in the country are you? If in Yorkshire I'd be happy to meet up and bf somewhere with you if that would help? Or just meet up and have a coffee :)

Sorry didn't see the bit where you are dead against formula .

OK, I found the Avent electric double pump alot more effective, it was £200 but it made life so easy.
I had a single pump with DS and I THREW it out when I finished promising never to express again! Of course I did.

Feeding in public gets so much easier when they are bigger as their head/body is bigger and it's easy to hide everything.

Even though I had fed DS for 5 months I didn't find it any easier with DD. I am a prude and found it so hard until she got much bigger and more efficient.

I found that a normal vest top under a normal top is the easiest and best way (after many attempts with lots of different tops/blankets and positions).

Put hand up top, release feeding bra and yank down vest then lift top. The top 'top' hides the top of your breast. Keep them light. A big jumper in a hot shopping centre when your faffing with a new baby can send you into a frenzy!

I hope your ok???