I can't fucking do this anymore

[nickypomtimes]

Fucking ds2. I am sat here in tears and shaking with frustration.
He is only 6 mths old.

It has been shit from the start - reflux.

I get fuck all sleep.

I don;t think he has reflux anymore tbh.4

I sleep with him in my arms becasue it is the onkly way to get sleep at all.

I cant get him to natoday.

I am so fucking frustrated with him.

I am neglecting ds, who is a nightmare too. He is 4 and an obnoxious little shit at times.

My liofe is fucked.,

I hate being their Mum.

NickyP I feel for you. I only have 1 DD and she is mega tough.I had a bad start and also she has never slept through wakes every 2 hours and she is weaned and no longer BF. She is 9 months. On anti deps and valium as i felt like I was going crazy due to lack of sleep and crying every day.

The meds are helping me but most of all, see another GP or health v and tell them how you feel. I had a nice HV who visited me every week. (I fell out with two)I still have issues but please dont suffer on your own. I tried to do everything myself as DP tried but just did everything wrong.

You are a great mum, it is the lack of sleep doing this. It is a fucking nightmare. I think considering you have 2 DCs you are fab. I still get off days but talking about it really helps. You know things are not right or you wouldnt be posting on here.

Can you express some milk so DP can do a feed to give you a bit of rest? I know it is not easy as I could only express 1oz at a time and DD used to refuse a bottle but we got there in the end.

Feel free to PM me. I only posted about two weeks ago...Do search on "I am shit"...!

thank you all very much.

i am feeling a hell of a lot better.

went massive walk. ds slept and woke in better mood. when i got home dh was home and making dinner. we played with ds2 and ate then ds1 came home and he and i did a jigsaw and chatted.

now in bed with ds2 sleeping on my arm, hence typing!

i need more help, yes. will contact alternative gp tomorrow.

thank you all so much for repling.

Hi Nicky,

glad you're feeling a bit better tonight :) I don't have much to add other then keep doing the things you feel you're doing well and help you feel good about yourself. Good luck with the gp tomorrow. My friend suffered pnd quite badly and she had some great help from a group she joined which enabled her to make small steps everyday showing herself she wasn't as bad a mum as she thought. The things she did ranged from doing a puzzle with her eldest, or reading a story with them, once a day to taking them both out for a small walk around the block and looking at trees.She even managed to combine making lunch with the eldest so it counted :) There were many times during the day she had a bad time and felt rubbish but gradually she was able to get to the end of the day and look at the one positive thing she had done and recognise this as a good thing. As her pnd improved so did her ability to do more positive things and feel better about herself. I wish you all the help and love you need to get through this trying time.

Sorry, just realised that was a bit of a ramble

Nicky, is there anything like HomeStart where you are? Where I am they have volunteers who come out to help families with children under 5 - someone might come out and cuddle ds2, or play with ds1, or make you a cup of tea and talk to you, and because they're not related to you, it might be easier to just talk.

It will get better, and this will fade and blur.

Firstly, it WILL get better!

I think you need to change your whole way around. It doesn't sound like you are getting huge support even though you have people around. Change this. Let your older child go to grandparents, even just one day or overnight, just to give you both a break. He will get one to one, you will relax a little.

Don't stress about cleaning/cooking. You will survive with a bit of dust and easy meals (cheese/beans on toast, jacket potatoes etc) Let all that go and concentrate on you and your children. If people are around, go grab a power nap! Your children will be fine with others and you need to recharge however you can

I picked up on you saying you were left to cry? Are you overcompensating? A little cry will not hurt the baby, walk away and make a cup of tea, talking/singing to him whilst you are doing so. He won't feel abandoned and you get 2 mins away

Also picked up on the fact that you said he needs total silence to sleep? Change that straight away. Keep the radio on at all times or constant CD's or even the TV. Low/medium, constant background noise. He will get used to it and once he is used to background noise, little noises won't keep disturbing his sleep.

If he has brief happy moments, use them to get him to lie in his cot or pram. Let him have happy times in there so that it isn't only a sad place to be for him

If he is happy during feeds, you can sit with older one and read a book, fuzzy felt or even play I spy - that way you aren't relying on the tv (although I did ALL the time - 4 in 5 years) Older one will still then be getting nice mummy time and you won't feel so guilty

He's 6 months, so I agree with the people above, finger foods in the high chair or some pureed food might sit in his tummy for longer. I know that it can also be less refluxy on solids rather than just milk

It isn't possible to be all things for all people - something has to give - it doesn't make you a bad mum. Make the people around take some more of the slack - you need to protect yourself here

It WILL get easier

don't apologise

sadly no homestart type thing here.

used to be, but funding cut.

I had a horrendous pregnancy and was on bed rest from 17 weeks during this time ds was looked after by dh and my mum and granny.

I can really sympathise with the guilt you will feel about it. I felt terrible not being a "proper" mum to ds and I was really worried that he would never see me as his mum again.

But of course he has and loves me and sees me as his mummy don't beat yourself up and don't feel guilty(easier said than done I know) just do what you can I know in your head whatever you do will never be good enough but it most definatly will be. You love your children and even if that's all you can do for the moment it's plenty.

Things will get better and one day all this will be a distant memory and I gurantee both your dc will not give this time in your lifes a seconds thought.

And also you probable already know but antideppresants can take a while to kick in but when they do they can make a hell of a lot of diffrence. If things are not improving keep going back until you get somthing that will help. big hugs.

Hi Nicky
You won't know me as have namechanged since we last "spoke" but I have a DS about the same age as yours. He had some tummy issues up to about a month ago but nowhere near so extreme as yours and my heart always sinks when I see a post like this from you - bit of a "there but for the grace of God" feeling I guess alongside the normal empathy/sympathy for a fellow mother going through a tough spot. FWIW I think, even when you've been posting at rock bottom, I've really admired your honesty, your consistent efforts to do the best by both your kids and your flashes of humour.

Haven't read all the thread but I think that scaredoflove's post above is great. You need to start putting your own needs up there along with the rest of your family's and if that means being "good enough" rather than perfect for a few days/weeks/months then go for it.

No loads of TV isn't great for a young one but if it comes along with a cuddle from Mummy, a conversation about what they have watched and a less-stressed Mummy at the end of it then the odd C-beebies session is pretty beneficial alround IMO. (Not going to let you know how much TV my DD has watched in the last 6 months with far less of a good reason than yours but pragmatically I know she's doing fine on it )

I'd also agree that if you can let the guilt go (and you've got to you know that) a weekend with the GPs for DS1 will do you all good. Sounds like you also need to find some way of getting some more time for yourself without DS2 too. I know it's sooo hard when you are BF a bottle refusenik (there myself) but there are ways if you can find the strength to try them.

It's probably not surprising that DS2 has some bad "sleep habits" after so many months of pain. Loads of great advice here for tackling those but you will need to get yourself into the right place first I think before you tackle some of those.

Blimey, long post. And all I really wanted to say was Hugs

You sound like me with DD. She got worse between 4 and 6 months - had to hold her/sleep with her to get her to sleep. She had silent reflux. She improved enormously as she got onto solids - you can go quite quickly after 6 months. I think part of her problem was she needed something solid in her digestive system and I wish I'd started earlier, but was too frightened to go against advice.

Keep on with the BFing. You're getting to the easier bit, as long as you're not being used as a dummy. Do you use a dummy? I found that a lifesaver as DD was not a good self-settler.

I don't know why you think you should be able to look after the 2 children by yourself. This expectation of mothers is only a new phenomenon. Mothers, mothers-in-law etc. were always on hand. Accept that you need your mother's help and be glad you have one to help.

I felt like a miserable failure for ages, but now that I'm out of that period I see that I was just struggling with a difficult baby. You'll see from this site that there are in fact many people in the same position, even if everyone you meet seems so together.

I had no patience with DS (6) and shouted a lot - that's what makes you feel the worst I think. But listen to this. When DD turned one (and became a total angel) my DS said he wanted me to have another baby girl. I said 'you hardly saw me and I was really bad tempered - you don't want to go through that again'. And he said 'it was worth though mummy, wasn't it'. I cried!

This is but a blip in your life. It will get better.

If you have PND, do consider checking with the GP that the medication is right for you. If your GP isn't right for you, see another.

Try and live one day at a time.

I did cranial osteopathy - I was worried because it sounds awful, but it's so gentle- like a VERY gentle massage.

ta

can't contemplate sleep training atm. maybe in time .

thanks for supportive words.

yy, am hoping solids will help, but almmost scared to try in case they don't!

I didn't do sleep training till DD turned one. You'll know when the time is right.

You sound calmer now.

I agree with others - don't try to be perfect - no one is. You're just getting through this difficult time.

Glad you hear you sound more positive now Nickypomtimes. Fresh air and a bit of exercise can work wonders. Even think just being out in public forces one to act more calmly and rationally in a way and then you will feel better about yourself.

The guilt is miserable. Work out what makes you feel bad and really really try your hardest to get through the day without doing it. Eg, snapping at DS1, if you feel the irritation starting, deep breaths, count to 10 and start some ind of activity with him instead. Have you got a box of stuff especially for DS1 to help entertain him at stressful moments? If not, get a relative to go out and get one for you if at all possible, just cheap stuff that you think he will like- toy cars, felt tips, sweets, magazines etc.

Plan your day tomorrow so you are out the house by 10.30 (or whatever time suits)- if you're skint, then pack sandwiches and drinks and head to nearest park. Dress the boys up warm and go on a nature hunt or something free like that! Maybe collect autumn leaves and DS1 can do a picture when you get back.

To help with the guilt over DS1 try and do 3 things a day with him, just small things, like read a book together (or even just watch a cartoon if you're feeling really tired), get the paints out, make a den etc.

Good luck with the sleep for tonight- hope you miraculously get a good night and hope you have a better day tomorrow.

Remember take it one day at a time.

Oh and no matter how shit things are at the moment, you have given your DS1 the best gift ever- a little brother. They will be the best of mates when they get older and they will always have each other.

cranial osteopathy changed the way my DD behaved, and enabled me to put her down to sleep on her own for the first time in ten months. It is surely worth a try? It might not do any good, but it certainly won't do any harm.

Hi NPT - glad you are feeling brighter . I really hope you get some help with practical stuff and with the PND. It is crap that the funding means no Sure Start near you . Have you thought about seeing if there is a La Leche group near you just for a bit of company from some like-minded mums?

I think you are being amazingly strong sticking to what you believe in.

FWIW a friend's daughter had reflux - she said pretty much waht you did - that doing bf is what kept her going (and it's easier on baby's system too....). She also said it did get easier when they went onto solids

Don't know what it is with the misinformed ff pushers? Formula makes reflux a lot worse because BM is digested faster and is much kinder on their tummies.

DD was like this. I cut out dairy (all dairy, evem the tiniest ingredient, no goats milk either) for 2 weeks and she was a different baby. Maybe worth a try?

Hi Nicky

What dosage are you on, if you don't mind me asking? I would definitely consider upping it.
It could make an enormous difference to get your dosage right if it is too low at the moment.

Oh god it is so hard isn't it,DD had reflux too. I never thought I could shout at a baby but I was just beyond everything from exhaustion and frustration.

Also, when you're feeling frustrated with baby, try and empathise with him. In my experience babies don't cry unless there's a reason - and some babies (my DS for example) find it hard to stop once they start.

Hi Nicky- my first child had reflux, and her early life was hell for all of us... but it does change, I promise.
She was bf only, but as we introduced food, her reflux improved- by 8mo it was just the sleep problems we had to deal with
It is very very hard, and there is no way we could have done it with an older child too- thankfully DC2 was much easier (different set of problems, but definitely easier).

Keep buggering on- you'll get there girl. Please don't be so hard on yourself- it's not your fault he is like this, and you're doing all you can to make life good for him.

Morning guys.

Bad night again.

Thank you for the support. Made it a bit easier to get up this morning.

Off to do another puzzle with ds1 and down some coffee.

Sorry you had a bad night. It's good that you sound more positive and you've managed to squeeze in a bit of time for DS1. You're doing great.

Hope you manage to have a nice day with your gorgeous boys today.