I can't fucking do this anymore

[nickypomtimes]

Fucking ds2. I am sat here in tears and shaking with frustration.
He is only 6 mths old.

It has been shit from the start - reflux.

I get fuck all sleep.

I don;t think he has reflux anymore tbh.4

I sleep with him in my arms becasue it is the onkly way to get sleep at all.

I cant get him to natoday.

I am so fucking frustrated with him.

I am neglecting ds, who is a nightmare too. He is 4 and an obnoxious little shit at times.

My liofe is fucked.,

I hate being their Mum.

NPT you sound like you are having a terrible time. I really sympathise having been through the reflux/terrible sleep thing with DS (5). It is hell and it feels like there is no escape and it will never end. I was so tired and frustrated and felt like a terrible mum for months. I would shout at poor DS and then beat myself up. It was a hideous cycle.

I didn't think I had PND. Thought I was just shit and had a poorly baby. Eventually I hit rock bottom and forced the fairly useless HV team to assess me. No surprise when I was dx with PND.

Have you been assessed? Or dx? And if not can you do that today? And if you have been dx what treatment or support are you getting?

Oh, and re his sleep. Could you bear to sit in the room with him while he learnt to fall asleep? If so I have a sleep programme thingy that might help. Happy to email to you.

it sounds like you're in a pretty grim place at the moment - must be very hard to keep going, but it will get better, or at least will get different!
will ds2 go in a sling/baby wrap carrier? i found it quite helpful for a v. v. grumpy and clingy baby. i think it can be quite helpful for colicky ones as long as they are more upright and not to squished iyswim.

yy, bfing v. positive.

tbh it has been one of the best things i have ever done.

hot choc -mmm.

thank yuou so much all.

i am going to go out walk. he is v unsettled and i need the air.

fuck the washing, eh?

nicky, your post earlier "I can't cope" did it for me. You sound like me 19 years ago when DD1 was born. Eventually my family forced me into talking to HV who diagnosed post-natal depression and met with me every week to just talk, not judge. I cried on her, shouted at her and confessed that I had hit my baby , was the worst mother in the world and wished I'd never had children. That woman, and her counselling, saved my sanity, my marriage and possibly DDs life. Please accept some help.
I now have 3 healthy DCs - still wouldn't qualify as the best mother in the world . but we get by!
PLEASE get some help, it is a wretched existence for you all otherwise.

Nicky - would you be offended if I gave you some very unMN hugs ? I remember your posts from the very early days and my ds was exactly the same. Luckily for me, he became less of a miserable little fecker easier to deal with at around 4 months and at that stage, I was completely at the end of my rope. He's still a shocking sleeper at night though.

It is hard. You are not crap (or if you are, then so am I). My dd is 3.6 and she is a little monster at times. I think the harder the second children are, the more the first ones play up (looking for attention etc.)

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. Would anyone take ds2 (assuming you could express enough) for overnight so you could at least get one night's decent sleep and a lie in. Its amazing how much difference it makes. You could catch up on some sleep and have some one to one time with ds1.

Will ds2 sleep in the buggy ? I have resorted to bringing the buggy in the house - there is barely room but on the times when I haven't got the energy or inclination to go out anywhere, I can at least get him to nap in there. I can often be seen sitting down watching tv with a cup of coffee in hand whilst frantically rocking the buggy. Your ds's misery is probably 90% over tiredness.

god i hoe ds doesn't remember.

snuggling i can manage.

yep, have pnd. on sertraline.. might up it.

sling quite good yes, butr back juggered!

right going out now.

will reprt back!

Oh and agree re not stopping bf. It was the only thing that kept me going too. The only think I felt I was doing well.

Try and be kind to yourself. Don't beat yourself up - you are doing your best and you will get through it.

so sorry you're having a had time of it. I can second cranial osteopathy, have had it for myself and DD - it's very gentle - what does your DH have against it?

Know what you mean about bf - DP thought I should stop because I was feeling a bit trapped but like you it was the one thing I felt confident with (have struggled with solids though we're getting there now).

It sounds to me that it's not just the baby but your lifestyle that's trapping you - small village, no money, can't drive - I'm a Londoner and when we think about moving to the country it's this that scares me. So - could you learn to drive? Maybe 2 lessons a week, that's about 3 hours I think - time away from the children doing something positive and practical that will help you and them?

hugs good!

right, def going tis time.

hard time, not had time

Hello, our baby had silent reflux, and at about 6 or 7 months, with solids, it got better. And then, we had a week of him sleeping from eleven till seven, unbroken. It didn't last, but with a few nights decent sleep, I felt like a completely different person.

I don't know where you are based, but if you want to give Cranial Osteopathy a go, it's free at the Osteopathic Centre for Children in London and Manchester.

If you find the right film perhaps you could take your older son to the cinema. Would be a treat for him, and you might be able to get 40 winks without him noticing....

I am not anti bf at all. Was desperate to bf my dcs but just didnt work out. However all my friends who have had dcs with feeding/sleeping probs have all been bf-coincedence? Also you stated that you almost hit your other child so that suggests to me you are at breaking point?.
You seem to think that not bf will make you feel worse or more guilty but imo dont think you can go much lower anyway and think stopping bf might be only way to break this cycle(but hey I ff and left my dcs to cry so am clearly satan .

Hello nickypom. Just wanted to add a bit of solidarity. The early days of havign two children can be fuckign horrendous, some of the darkest times in my life have been since DS2 was born. Didn't help that the little darling didn't get anything resembling a night's sleep until he was way past one. Lack of sleep really fucks you up.

What you said about everyone else coping with two kids and you can't - I felt like this. Even the ones who look like they are might not be, they're prob just holding it together in public (soemthing that I didn't manage all the time!)

Since DS2 turned about 18months I have been able to see the wood for the trees. It will get better and settle down, although that might not help you right now, but it's not just you, you know.

Where abouts are you?

It sounds to me like you are doing brilliantly - so brilliantly that you are wearing yourself out! Just look at all the things people are suggesting that make you say "oh no I couldn't do that" - you have set yourself really high standards and you seem to be meeting them, but are worn out by it.

If you are sure that you want to keep doing things the way you are (and fair play to you if you do!) then at least try to stop feeling guilty and remind yourself that you are doing this the way you believe is right - well done!

Just going to reiterate my point about food - you don't just have a choice of breast or bottle anymore .

Hope you've had a good walk.

you poor thing I feel for you. G out with the baby and your mum one weekend, leave DS1 with DH, go and get your haircut and some new fitting clothes. Cheap and cheerful. Treat yourself well. I appreciate you are broke. You need to try and make yourself feel better. Is there a local swimming pool? you might get talking to another mum so you could both excersise and watch the kids in turns x

I'm surprised that the only thing from her posts that you're focusing on is the BF pink. I think if it's the only thing that's making the OP feel good, then she should surely carry on with it. I've FF one DC and BF the other and I can say that FF is such a faff compared to BF.

Carry on with the BF OP. Get to the GP and up your meds. Find a way of getting DH to give you some respite at the weekend to get you some sleep. You can't carry on as you are unless you want to collapse, so something's got to give.

Have you started weaning DS2 yet? DD was a lot like your DS2 and it did make a difference once she started on solids...

pink, it's not about you geddoverrit!

I can completely relate to your situation Nicky. DD2 (7.5 months) has silent reflux and is an appalling sleeper. I was at the end of my tether 2 week ago and felt so trapped and desperate (and a really horrible mum to DD1 (2.10)). We were referred by our HV to a sleep clinic and have been doing sleep training for the last week and a half. It's by no means been an instant fix but DD2 now sleeps in her own cot in her own room and we're only up with her 3 or 4 times a night.

Previously, she only fell asleep on the boob or in our arms being bounced on an exercise ball and we'd spend half (or more) the night doing this. The nurse at sleep clinic got straight to the point and said that we needed to teach her how to fall asleep on her own and the bit that made me feel better about it was her saying that we were making a decision as her parents that it was time for her to get better sleep, just like we give her healthy food, it was up to us to help her get healthy sleep.

What worked for us was to cut out the night feeds (I was really reluctant to do this, DD2 is very keen on BFing (won't take a bottle at all) and even though she has a complex congenital heart condition and was expected to be a scrawny bean she has always followed the 75th centile for weight), and to put her down awake. We didn't want to do controlled crying so we sit with her and pat her until she's asleep. She hasn't missed the feeds at all (in fact I think the nurse was right when she said that the feeds were probably making her night reflux worse and stopping her metabolism slowing down for quality sleep). It took an hour to settle her the first night but now takes 20 minutes at the most and she sometimes just turns over straight away and goes to sleep which I could never have imagined happening 2 weeks ago.

Like you, I don't think her reflux is an issue any more but her poor sleep is a legacy of being held so much due to the reflux (and also probably her condition in our case).

Sorry to have gone on so long. I really don't want you to feel alone as your posts have really helped me over the last few months.

Oh Nicky, I remember talking to you before - sorry you're still having a tough time.

Can you get a day off to do something that has nothing to do with the DCs? I mean take a train to town and treat yourself to a haircut or a spa treatment or something? Or even just get out for lunch with some girlfriends? Anything to give yourself a break and realise that you are not just a mother. It can be oppressive.

FWIW, I didn't have pnd, but hated much of the first 6 months with both of my DSs. It got much much better after that, once they could sit up and got a bit more mobile and stopped blimmin crying all the time. Here's hoping.

It will get easier I promise. xx

Nicky, I've never posted on one of your threads before, but I have always looked out for you because my daughter had reflux for the first few months too (she is, I think, a few weeks younger than your son)

And you know what? Ages ago, you said you couldn't handle it. And you did. You are still going, still getting on with it, still LEAVING THE HOUSE which is more than I managed when Kate was puking Exorcist-style everywhere. You are nearly there, it really can only get better the older he gets.

If I could, I'd give you a big big hug, I feel for you so much, but you should give yourself credit for what you have done since he was born.

Not read whole thread but would you consider pick up put down for the sleeping? You don't leave them to cry.