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Original poster

I cried my eyes out when i put her to bed tonight.

150 replies

Thomcat · 01/09/2005 21:31

She was asleep. I had read her a story and laid next to her, she asked for 'more tic tic' which means I have to stroke her tummy and she fell asleep, all messy hair and little soft round face. One arm on her nappy, the other above her head. So perfect, so beautiful. I just cried and cried. I can't bear the thought that her life will be hard, that she'll never speak properly and that people won't understand her, that she won't be happy, that she'll know she's different. What if people leave her out like they do now because they assume she can't do stuff, or is just not like them? What if no-one other than her family ever really, really love her? I want to freeze time, keep her like she is now, protect her. The future is so bloody scary. I know this is my pregnancy hormones making me feel so emotional and taking my thoughts into the future, somewhere I never go, and this is why.

Sorry, nothing you can say, just started crying while I was on here so let it all out rather than coming off line.

I'm okay now, well, you know, I'll go and get that other piece of chocolate cheesecake out the fridge.

OP posts:
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cod · 01/09/2005 21:42

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Original poster
Thomcat · 01/09/2005 21:42

okay, will go to bed in 1 minute. Promise.

OP posts:
cod · 01/09/2005 21:43

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Blackduck · 01/09/2005 21:44

and more important you need some sleep, to carry on being such a brill mum...

Heathcliffscathy · 01/09/2005 21:44

sorry x posted with cod. she's right, go to bed. but having a big cry is ok too.

hub2dee · 01/09/2005 21:44

TC, can I ask if her present age / capabilities mean that all your wishes seem impossible, or if it's a 'wait and see, and possibly...' ?

cod · 01/09/2005 21:44

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Original poster
Thomcat · 01/09/2005 21:44

but it's not even 10 o clock!

OP posts:
cod · 01/09/2005 21:45

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hub2dee · 01/09/2005 21:45

Ignore me. Listen to the others. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

X

cod · 01/09/2005 21:45

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cod · 01/09/2005 21:46

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mummydreamer · 01/09/2005 21:46

Dear Thomcat - sleep well - you sound like a wonderful, inspiring mother who, like any caring parent, will try to help her darling daughter achieve lots in her life. I'm sure Lottie will prove to be a strong character with a mama like you. Hit that cheesecake!

Blackduck · 01/09/2005 21:46

do you think shes gone??

Flum · 01/09/2005 21:46

Blimey TC. You always post the most heart rending messages about your dd.

I think a mothers love can solve a lot of problems in life. Not all but it can still lessen the blows. She is so lucky to have you on her team.

hub2dee · 01/09/2005 21:46

I was about to go to bed, and I'm not even pregnant, TC.

Only staying up to make sure you finish the cheesecake. And brush your teeth. You can floss if you can be arsed.

X

Blackduck · 01/09/2005 21:47

flossing can wait til the morning...!

cod · 01/09/2005 21:47

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Heathcliffscathy · 01/09/2005 21:47

thing is, we all want that for our kids, and honestly i think that lottie is more likely to find happiness in life given who you are than loads of nt kids that have sh8tty parents....

not downplaying your fears, but just saying that for all the things she may not be able to do, she will have a capacity for love and happiness that others don't because of what a lovely parent you are...

JoolsToo · 01/09/2005 21:48

don't need to worry about her being loved TC - one look at that face and you can't help but melt!

cod · 01/09/2005 21:49

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Original poster
Thomcat · 01/09/2005 21:49

i've just no idea hub. She's 4 at Xmas. Says some stuff that really oinly I understand mainly, not close to walking. I've just no idea at all. Everyone says she will walk, and I'm sure she will but... and no-one knows how her speech will turn out, if she'll speak clearly, be understood. I met a young girl with DS and I couldn't understand her at all. Shit, that worries me so much. Seeing the speech therapist tomorrow so she waht she says but not sure if I trust her anyway, I don't rate her too much.
What will be will be at the ned of the day, and I know really I'm lucky to ahve such a wonderful little girl in my life, it's just my hormones, it'll all be fine.
See, stopped crying and everything. Will go to bed after 10pm, buit not much after

OP posts:
princesspeahead · 01/09/2005 21:50

Thomcat hunny you are no more able to look into the future than any of us. And if we could, think how many of us would be frightened by what we saw? Terrible things may happen to any of our kids. But the important thing is that they may not. Lottie may well have a really fine, lovely life - OK there are things that you can see she won't be doing perhaps (like I can see that my dd won't be doing anything that requires hand to eye coordination!) but the important thing is that she is happy in life, and she has every chance of being that. Especially with such a close and loving family. And her sibling-to-be will, I'm sure, be just as caring as you and will love her and look after her as well or better as you and your dh.
So stop snotting all over your pillow and go and watch a late night sex and the city in bed, with your cheesecake, and try not to look any further forward than.... oh.... 4 months or so.

anniebear · 01/09/2005 21:50

Oh TC

Really feel for you.

Hate days like that. Others you can cope with but every now and again you just look at them think "why does everything seem so hard?" and need to have a really good cry.

Everything you typed is what I would say about Ellie. Wouldn't it be lovely to leave them in the garden playing? lots of things like that that might not seem that important. But sometimes they are HUGE.

Lottie just sounds so gorgeous, but I know how hard it is and how much bigger the worries are with a SN child.

Not much help sorry, just wanted to know I feel the same way often

You always sound like a fantastic Mum to me and always try and make me feel better when I am so down

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

cat82 · 01/09/2005 21:50

oh sweetheart, i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better. The truth is that i don't. I will say that those people who don't except lottiw for the wonderful and beautiful girl that she is aren't worth knowing. You can't always protect her, but you can be certain that her fantastic personality will help her and no one worth their salt will be able to help but fall in love with her.
It must seem so scary but just rest assured you are doing the best job, and she grow a well adjusted and fab person who will feel secure no matter what situation she comes across becaause she will always have you and your hubby and your little one.

Sorry if that all sounds crap and gushy.

Lots of love TC, your posts always inspire me.

Cat x