Calling all Attachment parents

[MummyBerryJuice]

So I totally buy into attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping and don't think that we could cope with our high-need DS (7.5 months) if we didn't babywear etc but I'm coming under increasing pressure to resort to a more 'traditional' form of parenting. DH and I are happy ( if exhausted) but I sometimes feel my resolve faltering when DS has had a particularly demanding day/night. It often only takes a quick read of the Sears website or some such to reaffirm my beliefs.

I don't know any other AP in rl so it would be great to have a support type thread here.

All contributors welcome

When you say you falter... what are you actually doing? When you say move from attachment parenting to 'tradition' what do you mean by traditional?

Do you remember that documentary 'Bringing up Baby' on aout 3 years ago? They had the 3 extremes of the strict routine and the Continuum concept... It was on when DD was around 3 weeks old and we watched, very stressed about 'the rules' we would have for bringing up our baby.... We were unimpressed with strict routines and saw the attachmenbt parenting-like method as an example of how we would like to be.

Cos, I TOTALLY understand your thread. But I worry that when you defer from your ideals of AP you see yourself as faltering.

I was really stressed about it all but had some great advice: that each family will have its own 'culture' - values and routines and that all members of family will be happier if baby joins in with these. So if your faltering involves you getting more sleep or having a rest perhaps this is the best choice.

I was mega guilty when DH was giving bottle to DD at 3 in the morning....but I really do think that that sleep made me a better Mum altogether.

Tell me the stuff you've been doing - still hoping to perfect it with another baby one day!

Mothering.com is an extremely AP-oriented website, and they have dedicated areas for people in specific global regions (like UK, wherever). Might be what you want, OP?

7.5 month ds too. Co-sleeping, blw, bf'ding on demand and, not really due to forethought, a lot of carrying on my hip (no sling). He is happy but I am now feeling tired as he still wakes at night.

I do wonder if he is too dependent, luckily he responds very well to dh and loves to be with him. Gives me a break. It must get easier when they crawl?

Thanks mumble I suppose I mean that I feel weak and for a moment start considering CC or forcing him into more of a routine and by 'traditional' parenting I suppose I mean buying into the theory that babies can be spoilt/should be sleeping through/is being naughty etc.

We basically follow his lead.

He sleeps when he is tired and I bf on demand still. We have 'set' mealtimes where he either eats his solids/doesn't. 9But I must admit that it stresses me out when he isn't interested in food ) He goes to bed in his hammock in the evenings (but often doesn't) and will come in with us when he wakes up at night (usually around 10:30/11pm). I bf as often as he wants at night (usually twice/three times but more if he hasn't been eating or feeding well)

I hope so Marsha. I also wonder if I've made him too 'used' to me.

Me too MBJ. He is very used to me (which is nice, but tiring too).

But we may be doing that final push pre-crawling, hopefully someone will come along with a slightly older baby and say so

Eating solids / milk is still ad-hoc for me too. The only thing I am finding hard is the waking in the night needing help to settle rather than hunger as can be often. Good nights are ok bad ones are hugely exhausting.

Sounds like you are doing really well don't worry about cc and routines, imo not necessary.

DS is 2 now, co-slept and BF until a few months ago.

He's older and more independant now so sleeps all night in his cot. Still asks for hundreds of mummy cuddles every day but that's the way he's always been. I've often doubted myself/ wondered if we should be doing CC/ made rod for back etc but I think we've just given him what we needed and I'm glad we did that despite a bit of from others.

Just continue doing what feels right to you. You can keep giving them the opportunity to feed less, or sleep in their own bed etc. and little by little you'll get there.

Am pg with DS2 and although it was hard (read 'knackering'!) having a high need baby, I'm not going to stress if this baby has the same kind of personality. And I'm getting a decent sling this time to save my back!

They can't be too used to you, or too dependent in my view. It wasn't called AP 'in my day' (I am old!) but I did what i felt was right which I now know is called AP!
They come out the other side extremely independent (and strong minded) and resilient precisely because they are so well-attached and secure. Hang in there! (My DCs now 13, 10 and 3).

BF as necessary and don't bother with routines. and CC is just awful - I tried for one night and nearly had a breakdown - if you have done AP it is so hard for them and you to do and not worth the distress at all, IMHO.

Marsha IKWYM. When he feeds cause he is hungry it is fine but the ones where he is constantly waking for a quick suck or wants to be attached to the boob constantly are HORRIBLE.

hairymelons it s nice to hear that things get better down the line. I really believe that we are doing the right thing but it is very intense! I suppose I just want to hear 'success' stories

That s exactly what I believe soda it is just that I haven't seen the results in real life.

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I don't think there is really a dichotomy between two opposed types of parenting: 'attachment' and 'traditional', just a spectrum where parents pick and choose and find what suits them. For example, I think I'm somewhere in-between as a mother, generally taking the path of least resistance. I'm not co-sleeping, as it's far too uncomfortable and I like having our bed as a private space for DH and me, but will if I need to, e.g. he's teething. I'm still bf at almost a year and will probably carry on a few months longer, but not 2 years plus. I don't believe DS really needs to feed in the night but I'm still feeding him as it doesn't bother me and I'm too lazy to put the effort in to stop - managed to get it down to one feed most nights by cuddling/offering water but give in if he makes a fuss (though he's currently teething and feeding much more).

It's not perfect - one problem is that I do almost all the settling at night etc. so DS is much more used to me and doesn't settle well with DH (plus going through the clingy phase at the moment!), but generally works well for us. Remember, you don't get marks for adhering to a theoretical model. If you're happy with what you're doing and the 'pressure' comes from elsewhere then ignore it, but if you think your life would be easier if you tried doing things differently then don't feel you would be 'failing', because that's not true.

Ditto on terrible nights! Awful, so tired after one.

And it is intense. But he wakes and does a big smile and I am ok again. Hang in there. It is good to hear from others who are further down the track.

Don't worry!

We were just the same with dd and ds - they are 7 and 8 now and perfectly independent! They co-slept, fed for ages and never had bottles/cot - I have heard it all about making them too attached/rod for your own back but just kept doing what I was doing and am so glad when I look back now that I did it the way I felt was best.

I remember those times, when you think it will never end but it does and soon becomes a memory.

Good luck

Do whatever gets you through, and what is most comfortable for all three of you.
As chocolatemoose says, there's a whole spectrum out there, and if you worry about veering off AP or something, then that just becomes another set of 'rules' to follow.

FWIW, we co-slept with DS at one point. I think probably around the 6-7month mark (but can't quite remember when exactly as nothing was ever planned!). He used to start off in his cot, but then we'd bring him into bed when he woke, as it was easier than trying to settle him (and hence lose even more sleep!)
For a while, I BF him through the night, but then DH began to give him a bottle for one of the wakings (because I needed to sleep). And I think for a while, he slept between DH and the wall (ie away from me) and DH dealt with all of the night-wakings....
But it's all a bit hazy now :)

Anyway... it then got to the stage (at about 12 months??) where he roamed around our bed so much that we had to put him in a cot (or face having our heads trampled on througout each night!!), but that was also a really gradual process.
Feeding to sleep, cuddling and sitting with him during any wake ups and as he dropped off at night....
Now (at 18 months) he goes into his cot and after some cuddles/stories/songs, he basically goes off to sleep himslef and sometimes even sleeps through!!
(and he's always been very independent and willing to spend time with others... he just enjoys cuddles as well!)
IMO, there's no right or wrong, just whatever works for you. Sounds like you're a really caring mum with a gorgeous son. Be proud! :)

hi, ds is 17weeks and read the continuum concept whilst pg after watching 'bringing up baby', he was a premature by emcs so my dreams of a natural birth and skin to skin didn't go to plan! But muddling through ap since with a lesson learned that babies and plans don't go!
I'm bf'ing on demand, co-sleeping and wear the sling as much as poss. Got to 2mo and I really wanted to put him down a bit more but he wasn't having it! It's just me and him so sometimes a lot wish I could put hm down more! He'll only fall asleep when held or on a lap.
However all in all it works for us and I'm so used to it now can't imagine doing it any other way, especialy co-sleeping, he's still 2/3hours so that's been a lifesaver.
Anyone else struggling with thier back and the sling? He's only 17wks and it's killing me! I have a metal hoop closer baby sling, should I opt for another one?
Also I'm REALLy struggling with daytime naps, it's so hard to get him to sleep, I do try his vibrating chair, but he falls asleep on me, if I try to move he wakes and he never sleeps for very long, lie 20mins? So he's perpetually exhauasted and I really don't know what to do.

You will see, as he gets older, the strength of his attachment to you. You will get back what you are giving him.

I think it is that more than anything that has kept me going through the hard bits (constant night feeding etc).

My little girl (now 4) just needed (and still needs) me a lot, I have accepted now that is the way she is, and I am glad I gave her a lot. I can look back and say with all honesty I did my best, (I'm not perfect obviously!).

ItwasaDark

at 5 months I gave in slinging her for naps and bought an Amby hammock - took a couple of weeks but 45 min naps after 20 mins was wonderful - and they just got longer!

DarkandStormy I use a moby wrap instead of a traditional sling. We are using it less recently as he is getting ready to crawl and wants to be 'down' more. But it does spread the weight more evey, I think.

It's intense and exhausting and claustrophobic at times, especially in the early months, but as Downyemerald has said, you get it back a thousandfold. My DS is now nearly 3 1/2, still breastfeeds, co-slept until he chose to go into his big-boy room about 4 months ago (which had been ready for over a year), and while still very very attached, is the most confident, outgoing, sociable little character you could ever wish to meet. We get so many lovely comments about his temperament and how chatty and friendly he is.

Daytime naps were dificult for us when DS was tiny because he'd only really sleep on me, but from about 4 months onward he was sleeping in a Moses basket downstairs twice a day and by about 8 months he was having a three-hour sleep upstairs every afternoon, which continued until he was nearly 3. Feeding him to sleep lying down was the miracle for us - once he'd nodded off on the boob, I could practically hang him on the washing like and he wouldn't wake up!

Don't try to be perfect - it's impossible. All you can do is your best - just try to follow your instincts and do what works.

My DS is 13 months. Still co-sleeping, BFing on demand (when I'm not at work, of course), mostly BLW, carrying him around in a sling, tried controlled crying for 30 seconds when he was small (and stopped reading parenting books), and so on.

Neither me, nor my DH are planning to change any of these just because other people want us to to so. No. We are happy. Most importantly, our gorgeous son is happy and he'll decide when to stop BFing, co-sleeping etc, when he's ready.

Oh and I'm tired! Of course I am! Pregnancy, birth, BF, going back to work... But i think it's a small price to pay and I'm happy to do it. After all, my baby is growing fast and won't be a baby forever!

I believe what I'm doing is the best for him and will continue giving him lots of love day and night :)

DownyEmerald, I think that's the key. It's hard when everyone else (usually those who had more laid back babies) thinks they know better but I can also now say that I gave my son what he needed. As silly as I've felt in the past, I'm proud that I listened to him and not them!

(Not claiming to be perfect either btw, just relieved I got one thing right)

I also agree about the spectrum- I doubt that my return to work when DS was 6mo,or my recent very long hours would be considered AP but it's not about following rules and life isn't perfect anyway.

I have to say that DD is far less "hassle" when I am in full AP mode than if I try to get her to sleep in her cot, for example. I AP for an easy life, to be honest (but also because I believe it's right)

Someone on another thread called the standard "baby raising" method as detachment parenting, I thought that was a brilliant description.

thanks for tips, will come back to this thread tomorrow, glad its here! Everyone in rl pretty hostile to how I've been doing it and finding it a real struggle at times so good to chat

Hello!

My DDs are 4 and 16mths, both co-sleeping, breastfeeding and all the rest...we too found AP when shocked by the arrival of scarily high need DD1!

No rods have been made here, she's confident, makes friends easily, nurses just 2/3 times a day for a couple of minutes...no problems. AP is wonderful, it makes life so very much more enjoyable for our whole family!

DD1 went from waking every hour all night to 3 times a night at 13 months...the relief was amazing! She started sleeping through at around 2 and its a drama to get her to wake up in the morning these days.