Calling all Attachment parents

[MummyBerryJuice]

So I totally buy into attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping and don't think that we could cope with our high-need DS (7.5 months) if we didn't babywear etc but I'm coming under increasing pressure to resort to a more 'traditional' form of parenting. DH and I are happy ( if exhausted) but I sometimes feel my resolve faltering when DS has had a particularly demanding day/night. It often only takes a quick read of the Sears website or some such to reaffirm my beliefs.

I don't know any other AP in rl so it would be great to have a support type thread here.

All contributors welcome

Hello, please can I join? My DD is 20 months, we coslept up til 9 months and "babywore" her pretty much constantly all that time too, she was very colicy. I have found that she is very independent and relaxed, quite happy to be with other people and seems pretty secure in the knowledge that we are there for her. Having said that, her favourite phrase is "Where's Daddy?" at the moment!

I am still BFing at bedtime and she has been BLW. It can be stressful as to whether they have enough to eat, but from talking to other mums I think that is the same whatever your method.

We are having a few troubled nights at the moment (I must go to bed right after I have typed this, we were up til 3am yesterday this morning) but going back to cosleeping just won't work because she gets so excited and bounces about all over the bed!

Luckily both sets of grandparents have been really supportive, and we are very lucky to live in an area where there are lots of AP families so we made a little support group with some of the mums.

Oh Darkandstormy I'm sorry to hear that you are meeting with real disapproval in rl.

I think that the intensity of my gorgeous son was just a massive shock and I'm only just starting to recover. I have to say that I do someomes look at mums with easier going babies and feel but console myself with the thought that DS must be a genius .

It really is good to hear from everyone else that ther DCs are happy and well adjusted

Who or What is putting you under pressure to try a more 'traditional' form of parenting?

I co-slept with DC3, now 2, and still bf her to sleep. we have had nights where she was up every hour and blissful nights where she slept in her cot for 12 hours straight.
Being my third I know I can't blame AP for her bad times and it isn't the be all and end-all of parenting. That said it is a nicer way to bring her up. easier as dc2 is 9 years older so we had a lot of time together without distractions.

I've been exhausted, especially in the early months and recently as due no 4 next month. we were told to try and get her into routines and to let her cry to sleep but she isn't that type of child. Neither was DD1, we let her lead the way in almost all aspects and when DC2 came along she found her own routine for bed and naps and adapted relly well. Now at 14 she never argues about bedtime and is often asleep before her younger siblings.
Once you can get over the exhaustion you will feel much better. changing you whole views on parenting will most probably leave you feeling worse.

Hi pookamoo

Hi! DS is 16mo and we're still co-sleeping and BF etc. I'd never heard of AP until recently - it just seemed intuitive to me to do this with my baby.

It can be extremely tiring and some days it's such a struggle and I think that maybe I should go with what everyone tells me and give up BF and let him cry it out in his cot etc. but I just can't do it. I know that what I'm doing is right for us and I will do the same if we have another child.

I'm lucky because DH is from a country where AP is the norm and is what everyone one does anyway, so he's been 100% supportive. It's amazing to see the difference in attitudes between different cultures.

It's hard when everyone (in my case my parents, children's nurse, friends etc) tell you that what you're doing is wrong and you're just "making a rod or your own back" (a phrase which is a load of crap in my opinion!). You just have to stick to your guns and go with your gut feeling.

DS is a happy, confident and healthy little boy, so it seems to be working!

I read a post somewhere on mn once which said something along the lines of "I like my rod, it is pink and sparkly with flashing lights"
I don't think there is any such thing as "a rod for your own back" when it comes to raising children, they are so changeable anyway!

Right, I'm here to (hopefully) offer encouragement and support. I see that most of you are still in the midsts of it with under 2s.

My DS is now 7 years old. I have always been an attachment parent (but didn't know it was called that).

Persevere ladies. He co-slept till about 4, but from the age of 2 always started the night in his own bed, but would get up and comeinto my bed if he woke at night, meaning he didn't wake me and I had a good night's sleep. By the age of three he mostly slept through the night, so would only come into my bed 2 or 3 times a week. This got less and less and by the time he started school if he woke in the night for the loo or something he would go back to his own bed, there was no ROD, it wasn't hard to get him to sleep on his own, and he is very settled and secure.

I BFed on demand, till he was 2. Again, there was no rod, it wasn't hard to wean him off it, and I think it provided him with a great deal of security and comfort. At night he could latch on without even waking me, onjce he was over about 8 months.

I always held him, picked him up, wore him, carried him everywhere. The result was very strong arms and a very seccure happy child. He was not clingy, started nursery without any trouble, was secure and happy to wave me off safe in the knowledge that I would be back.

He is now a very independent, self assured, happy, content and secure 7 yr old, we have a very close relationship but I never felt I had created a rod for my own back. I tihnk it was good for him to never be left to cry, to feel me there all the time, etc.

MAybe he would have turned out the same however I parented him, but I think it has something to do with it.

I hope that helps some of you with babies still. The amount of time they are babies is very short, really, so imo it is worth persevering, for the sake of a content secure child.

The trick is to know when to pull back a bit, when to give them their independence, and not to smother them when they don't actually need it (with children, not babies). Make sure you don't turn into helicopter parents!

Thank you over . It is good to hear about your delightful little boy. I think what is difficult about AP is not the actual parenting (because it feels right and natural to me) but the culture in which we live expects us to wean our babies so quickly. Although I am convinced that this is the right way to go I think that we, in the West, have forgotten how to trust our intuition and when people start to comment and advise I have a few moments where I wonder whether I am doing the right thing.

Ohno it is interesting to hear about your DH coming from a culture where AP type parenting is the norm. Where is he from?

I (nor D) are planning on changing our parenting but it is good to hear from others who share our philosophy as well as the ups and downs .

I did go through a rough patch a few months ago but read 'Three in the bed' and it just reminded me exactly why we have chosen this style of parenting.

Something I have noticed is that many attachment parents seem to have high-need babies. Do you think they are high-need because we are AP or do we choose AP because they are high-need?

This is a lovely thread.

All the stuff I am doing with ds2 is intuitive aswell, so I know I can't leave him to cry or not bf on demand. So that's fine.

I had a little moment last week as I met a mother whose child was eating puree very well, sleeping through the night!! (amazing to me) and sitting in some sort of console thing / door bouncer quite a lot. Now that's fine. But I did think I am still doing hard time here! At 7.5 months. Still tired. Because he doesn't self settle. But it is getting better. So I am going to keep going.

MummyBerry I don't think ds2 is particularly high need. Well he likes to be carried, but he is very content in general. Maybe I am on the cusp of making him so when other babies are in door bouncers and the like. But I really think it should even out when crawling starts.

I'll second what soda said down the thread about independence. My dd (almost 3) coslept with us until about 6 months ago, bf until she was 2.3 and was hoicked about in a mei tai or onbu until my back and knees gave in she was 2.5. She's ferociously independent, as is 5yo ds, who coslept to 16mos, bf till 16.5mos and was carried in a sling (although for far less time than dd - he's huge).
If it's working for your family, don't listen to anybody who tells you you shouldn't be doing it.

It pays off later IMO, DS1 is 6 now and has been very confident and outgoing since about 12 months or so. I like to put it down to the AP we did early on.

I tell people that he got so much attention/cuddles as a baby that he couldn't wait to get away from me.

I think your question about whether or not people choose AP in response to a high need baby or AP creates the high need is interesting.

To me, it is the latter idea (that you're creating a clingy baby) that causes all the from other people. I'd never heard of AP or even co-sleeping until DS was 6mo. It was like it was my secret shame that he was in our bed! I stumbled across the Dr Sears site and was so relieved that I wasn't the only one to be doing it.

I think I would have been more comfortable with less clingy baby- I was shocked by how much he needed me/ wanted to feed etc. My SIL has just has her 2nd baby and is going through the same culture shock after having a very chilled out first baby.

If I hear the words 'rod' 'back' and 'making' one more time I'm going to scream! My dm is currently crowbaring weaning into every conversation we have no matter where we are or what we're talking about I think she's trying for subliminal messaging with so many mentions of baby rice it'll be imbedded in my subconscious and I'll find myself drifting downstairs in the middle of the night spoon in one hand, baby in the other...
Ds's dad is the same, also told me when he was 2mo that I was hurting his developement by not putting him down enough and doing long term damage to his ability to reach and grasp for things Another one of his lines is that it's good for his lungs to cry and that the poor baby was starving because I wouldn't let him have any proper food. Osteopath told me to let him cry as I wasn't doing him any favours and I'd end up with a five year I can't put down as I'd made him so needy
So it's been like that, since he was born, I know they think they're doing me a favour by saying it as I've been finding it tough but it's really not helpful. I am loving all the stories of contented and secure children and lapping them all up as though ds has struggled with colic and reflux I know tat is the end goal and I know that what I'm doing is right even if I don't get it right all the time!
And he's still gaining weight and since the gaviscon much more settled and less screamy so getting there!

It may seem difficult, but that's because having small children is, whatever 'method' you use. It's just that people give you more helpful hints when you are doing something that's seen as a little different. My ds is 3 now and I'm so glad that the muddling through we did brought us to attachment parenting. He is incredibly sociable, would go off with anyone, but very very affectionate - e.g. I'll lie on your pillow because I love you mum. I guarantee you that if you try something else it won't be the magic 'cure' that you imagine. My ds hated being alone and I used to be advised to put on the tv for half an hour. Now he could play all afternoon by himself. We came out the otherside and we are all happier that we didn't give in to peer pressure.

I think that people who have/have had easier going babies just cannot understand high-need babies and therefore assume that it must be the parenting that causes the 'clinginess'. Personally I think that they are just born that way and that we are lucky to have such intense little personalities in our care.

YOu sound like you are doing a fantastic job DarkandStormy. Hang in there.

My DS is very sociable and demands to be likes being the centre of attention. Which is exhausting during the week when it is just us at home but great on the weekend because he gets to spend time with his Aunty/Granny/Dad etc.

Oh a little while after DS was born it came to light that I had a very similar personality when I was a baby. So perhaps there is a genetic element?

DS was never a high need baby, he was a very easy baby, and is now a very easy child. I did what came naturally to me, not because he was high ned, but because it felt right.

He was very premature. His doctor and the nurses where very into skin to skin contact between me and him frm the begining, their early beliefs in this probably started me off with the baby wearing, which just felt safe and right.

He never cried much as a baby, but he didn't really have any need to, he didn't get colic or reflux and had all his needs met. No doubt I would have gone down the AP route even if he had been 'high needs'.

To everyone who is getting a hard time off society, don't let them bring you down, it doesn't last forever. Having a babe is difficult and tiring whatever methods you use.

Just marking my place. Am lying in bed with ds2 napping on me - it's good to read of others' experiences when I'm feeling a bit claustrophobic/exhausted.

I would describe myself as a reluctant AP - I will give my dc whatever they need, but would have been delighted if they needed 3 naps in their cot and a solid 12 hours at night there too...alas it was not to be.

I know from ds1 (who is now 3 1/2) that it all gets repaid with much interest so I'm happy to do it, but it helps to have a bit of support.

I'm lucky in that no-one around me ever tells me anything other than that I'm doing the right thing, and that dh and ds1 regularly thank me for 'taking such good care of baby brother'.

MummyBerryJuice

I have four children who have all been breastfed until they weaned naturally, bedshared until between 3-5.5yo, all been carried whenever they've needed to be transported etc. etc.

After having DD1, I realised that trying to stick to 'attachment parenting' ideals isn't helpful. What is helpful is to do what works, so long as it hurts no one.

So, for our principles, for example:

If a baby cries, it's harmful so we try to avoid that as much as possible

If a baby wakes alone, it can be frightened so it sleeps with us until it's brave enough to sleep alone

If a baby sleeps in it's own room, I get harmed by having to wake up properly to feed them

But:

It doesn't work for me to carry a baby 100% of the time when I am also playing with older siblings so, unless they are crying, they play on the floor or get cuddled by a sibling or one of my friends or family.

I have had one very, very high need baby (the oldest) and three much more independant ones. The oldest was very, very hard work, and I often got to told to just make her leave me alone at toddler groups, or to leave her in creches and just let her cry - "she'll get used to it" - etc. etc. I am so, so glad I stuck to my guns now.

She was very clingy for years and I got very frustrated and despairing, and I was lucky I had so many friends who supported me in letting her let go in her own time, or I would have done all the things that would have harmed her - forcing her to do things before she was ready. Then, about 18m ago, when she was nearly 6 (she's home educated so we've never had to do the having her pulled off me crying by teachers, but I know that's what sending her to school would have needed!), she wanted to go to a street dancing class with her friends. She got up the courage to stay without me, although she wouldn't join in. Then she started joining in on the second session, and then something clicked in her. The time was right for her.

Fastfoward to now. She does Badgers since January, and stayed for hte first session just her and her 5yo sister. She waltzed into a new, more local street dancing class where she knew no one at Easter time, and insisted that I leave as she wanted what she learned to be a surprise. And last week she ran off supremely confidently into her first ever swimming lesson.

She is a completely different child and I am totally confident that her confidence and independence is totally genuine and profound - it's not based on knowing there's no point in clinging or crying because no one will bother listening to you or taking you seriously. Seeing her like this makes all the cuddles and enduring the clinginess worthwhile.

If you try to get a child to separate before they're ready, you just invite even harder work - e.g. the emotions of leaving a child crying at a scout group; or the bedwetting that often starts when a child is stressed by something that they are not ready for; or the having to get up in the middle of the night because you are putting baby to sleep in another room. It's far easier, if you can manage it, to go with the flow and work on surviving, not on 'training'.

Please trust in your son and his instincts. He knows better than anyone, including you, when he will be ready to separate, and how that separation will happen, just like he knows how much milk he needs and when he needs it. Trust him. Do what works and is helpful for you and your family, not what a book says or what your friends say.

Ah what a sweetie . I am typing this on my iPhone as I lie on my bed next to napping DS who is going through an intense sucking phase and cannot tolerate being far from the boob when sleeping

I know in my heart that this is right. It just feels natural

Yes, def go with it. Being irritated by breastfeeding gets worse as they get older, and is a normal part of the weaning process - mum gets annoyed and starts saying no more often. However your DS is tiny and naturally wouldn't be weaning for ages and ages yet!

However, what can happen, apart from the normal increased feeding when a baby is ill or developing more than usual, is that mum gets fed up, baby feels insecure, baby does what comes naturally when he feels insecure - trying to feed more often -, mum gets more annoyed = vicious cycle. The more you can relax into it - play on the computer/iphone, read, watch tv, chat to your friends - the sooner he'll get his fill and you'll go through a patch where he feeds less often.