Calling all Attachment parents

[MummyBerryJuice]

So I totally buy into attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping and don't think that we could cope with our high-need DS (7.5 months) if we didn't babywear etc but I'm coming under increasing pressure to resort to a more 'traditional' form of parenting. DH and I are happy ( if exhausted) but I sometimes feel my resolve faltering when DS has had a particularly demanding day/night. It often only takes a quick read of the Sears website or some such to reaffirm my beliefs.

I don't know any other AP in rl so it would be great to have a support type thread here.

All contributors welcome

Forgot to add (and iPhone won't let me scan up to check) that more frequent wakening are really common as the night progresses in babies and young children. I think it's because they have their deepest sleep at the start of the night - often 7ish to 11ish - and things get more precarious as the night progresses, especially if they can't resettle without help.

We suffered for ages with our ds's early morning wakenings. At 2.5 he's now considerably better - and the days usually start with a 6. He's always awake before his baby sister, though.....

Sariska thanks, it seems like AP & working was not really a clash for you? Good news!

Have wrested ds away from grandparents & am bf-ing now so feeling a bit more generous towards difficult mother! Am sure ds will appreciate having a strong relationship with them when he's older. I think it may be too late to suggest name change to my mother as she's told so many people ( some of whom have looked a bit confused & awkward about it). I have to say it really grates though. It's difficult as I have a very tense relationship with her & we lost my sister 2 yrs ago (who got on better with her), so ds is very very precious to them & I would get reproached for being cruel if I tried to stop her from obssessing over ds.

Anyway sorry about diversion from topic of thread, it's just on my mind being here & feeling do torn away from ds. Back to the topic!

I do wonder if that's the other extreme reaction to ap, instead of negative advice & rod for own back, it's a 'well we can all join in then, it's just about cuddles off whoever'. I wonder if attachment parenting would work the same if the care was much more diffused amongst an extended family?

Another AP here.

Ds is a 9 month co-slept, bf, baby worn, ex colicky baby with allergies.

His eczema appeared at 2 months old followed by reactions to certain foods at 6 months

I found AP through trial and error.
As a small baby it was difficult to put him down without crying so he was always carried.
In the beginning I used the pram as transport, it was tolerated up til he was 3 months, when he started to get increasingly upset when he was put in it.
So I bought a sling which has been invalueable ever since.

I believe I'm doing the right thing and have had a few disagreements regarding my style of parenting.
Especially because I intend to bf til ds is self weaned.
I have been accused of making my child over anxious and reflecting my anxieties onto him.

Ds developed separation anxiety quite early on. But he has been crawling since he was 6 months and is increasingly showing signs of independence (crawling further away) and socialbility (allowing others to carry him) Ds is now also a generally a happy child.

I'm just a little worried about returning to work.
I'll be returning part-time, but at 2 days of up to 14 hours at a time.
If I didn't have to work I'd choose not to, however I can't afford a nursery or childminder (even with working) so my parents will have to look after him - they have a problem with my parenting and won't entertain the idea of baby wearing.
I just hope things will work out.

Right, I'm going to lower the tone now - sorry

How do you and your DPs have sex? What I mean is DD is 3 months and co-sleeping. If we are not there she will wake up crying in about 20mins so I nap with her too.

Other than having a real quickie (not my thing), or being v quiet with baby in bed (def not my thing), how do you manage?

Or should I just accept that sex is off the menu for the next few years months?

Hello everyone. AisieSusie the continuum concept talks a lot about the tribe helping the mother, a baby should be held by family. That will not diffuse AP but reinforce it, as the baby finds love, warmth and physical closeness from a the tribe as a whole. AP is impossible without others helping imo.
However your situations a little different! There is NO way I would be comfortable with my mum calling herself my ds's mummy, I understand thier grieving and you don't want to rock the boat but I really think you should put a stop to it. You would not be being cruel, I think the current situations pretty unhealthy. I really think you need to talk to her about this, your baby can't replace her daughter and needs a grandma not another mum.
The waking early we definately get, from 3 onwards he just won't settle even though we're co-sleeping and my boobs right there! Don't know what to do about that.

As for sex I've no dp currently so just ds and I in bed! Have wondered if this situation ever changes what I'll do... Couch maybe?

I'm getting so bloody frustrated today he just won't sleep

When DD (3 months) won't sleep I get very frustrated until...

If I think she is sleepy I will try to feed her to sleep, if this doesn't work and she grizzles, I won't persist, but will get her up and go and do something she enjoys for another 10-15mins and then try again. I keep doing this and eventually she will go off.

Is definitely better than spending half an hour trying to sooth her to sleep

It's all going - we use the spare room. And accept that on occasion we will be interrupted.

Ooh must get a copy of the continuum concept then (going back home today so can ignore the grandparent issue for another month or two!)

Thinking of the more 'collective child rearing' ethos, it does explain why my dp has been very supportive of attachment parenting, as he was brought up in a much more communal huge family culture. It makes sense that although he's not into any clever theories or modern ideologies of bringing up children, he would assume that the ap behaviours are just normal & what you'd do.

Re sex, it's been creative use of the kitchen & sneaking off to the bedroom whilst ds slept in the living room. All very quick but to be honest, am so shattered a night of passion is less appealing than a hot bath & bed! Am not sure whathappens when ds gets older & i get less tired though?!

Hi AisieSusie, you probably don't remember me but I remember a thread of yours from a few months ago. You were having such a hard time, just wanted to say it's nice to see you've found your feet and your own way of doing things.

Re the bf and returning to work- if you want to continue you can definitely make it work. I went back when DS was 6mo and ended up feeding him until he was 22mo. I did express during the day, for my own comfort as well as to have milk to give him the next day. Eventually, I didn't need to express as he was feeding less and I didn't get uncomfortable/engorged by about 12mo. I stopped sending milk to nursery around this time as he could have beakers of cows milk anyway.

I have to say, DS almost never drank the bottles of EBM i sent (grrr) but he would then be clamped to me feeding for several hours when I picked him up after work. I think this is quite common so don't panic if DS doesn't take to bottles too well, he'll make up for it in the evening!

Nights of passion? Hmmm, DH wishes! I am far too sleep-focussed for such shennanigans. Indeed, I get so (unreasonably) grumpy the next day when we do manage the deed that I think poor DH is quite put off. But I really must try harder. I just get rather tired of feeling that everyone (DD, DS and DH) all want a piece of me and that there is never anything left for me, if that makes sense.

Luckily for me, he is at least pretty supportive of the whole attachment parenting thing - probably because he, too, comes from a very child-centred background. And, moreover, it's one where a lot of extended family support is considered the norm. I thought I might have found that rather suffocating but my MIL, who provides a lot of support to me (she and FIL live nearby) is lovely and we get on well despite differing religions, cultures and ethnicities.

How is everyone? Took ds to the osteopath for the third time yesterday and he's all smiley today! Even giggled when my mum got her bum caught in the car door

Hello DarkAndStormy - good news about the osteopath. Have I missed what he's being treated for? (Sorry everyone, I'm finding it hard to keep up with this thread). Funny, because DH and I just agreed tonight to make an appointment for DS. He had a few osteo treatments when he was newborn which seemed to help his chronic hiccups () and his stiff neck. We're now wondering whether it might help with his sleeping... so often he seems to cry or squeal in his sleep like he's in pain .

As for nights of passion... I'm blaming BF hormones plus sleepless nights for a distinct lack of effort in the passion department recently . Don't think co-sleeping is hampering us much - just take advantage of DS being asleep (hah!) or occupied with a toy.

AisieSusie - am at your mum calling herself 'mamma' to your DS. We've had a difficult time coming up with a name for my mum - partly because her own mum, my granny, died recently and it seems weird to call my mum 'granny' but wrong to call her anything else if that makes sense? For the time being we're calling her 'granny (her name)' or avoiding calling her anything, in the hope that DS will come up with his own name for her as he gets older. If you don't like your DS calling your mum 'mamma' and it's only her he hears it from.... perhaps he'll come up with something himself in time?

DS called my parents 'Dad-dan' (grandad) and 'bab-ban' (grandma) for months. No idea where it came from. He suddenly started calling them grandma and grandad a few months ago. So they probably will come up with their own versions anyway.

In general the osteopath has helped with his sleep, I got in touch orignially because of colic/reflux screaming all day every day but in general he's better now. We've hit the 4 month sleep regression though and I only got two hours last night, I'm exhausted and very grumpy. So can't wait for this to pass I'm exhausted.
Hope everyones doing well and managing to at least get some sleep if not some lovemaking

Hi everyone. I'm knackered at the moment. We've just had house guests all weekend until this morning so I've had to be presentable all day everyday and couldn't sneak off for naps with DS , and he is going through some kind of horrendous non-sleeping phase. I also have PILES of washing to get through and nappy wash that needs to go on urgently.

DS is currently having a nap on my chest and I am more than tempted to join him eventhough I have tons that I should be getting on with.

Yes to a nap MBJ. Ds is sleeping ok but still needs help to settle every couple of hours through the night. It doesn't take long but is very tiring.

How does a baby learn to self settle?

Dh is on holiday and I can get some work done. Found it very interesting about the tribe thing earlier. Am possibly making this harder as family is all is. Extra arms for carrying is very appreciated!

Os- overseas iPhone correction

Marshabrady The continuum concept is the only book on ap I've read. In that, village elders will take the baby for short intervals whilst the mother has something to do, other children to attend to etc. Imo ap is not all about the mother it's about fufilling the babies needs and leading to a secure child. Mother holding the child, father, grandparent or friend, the most important thing is the child is held. The continuum concept doesn't stop when they start walking. It's about how you teach your children too. I've also bought Sears 'Creative Parenting' - how to use the continuum concept to raise children successfully from birth to adolescence. Haven't started it yet though as no time and perpetually exhausted!

That sounds good to me DarkandStormy, very interesting.

We are a rather modern extended family in that we are in lots of different countries. It makes sense that as women moved for economic reasons (mostly) that they would feel more isolated with the task of looking after the baby. Then you kind of need that door bouncer or what have you to give the arms a break!

But we soldier on, I can see the benefits for the child absolutely. Being carried allows the baby to interact in a different way (especially at 7 or 8 months he loves it).

I am finding it a lot easier with dh around. Plus nice to have more company

I just bought 'the well behaved child (?)' by Sears. Delivery tomorrow. I'm looking forward to reading it because I don't have any idea how to tackle discipline. I was bought up in a house where fear and spanking were the main forms of discipline. (God that sounds awful. Just to qualify - I was very well loved and felt very secure. But still...) I really want to raise a happy well adjusted but also well behaved child so I'm hoping that this will give me some good ideas.

itwasadarkandstormynight, i'd love to know more about how to continue attachment parents when the little ones start walking? sounds really interesting!

HairyMelons hello! was so touched you remembered me, thank you so much [warm inside feeling!]. I am better than that dreadful first few weeks, still so up and down, with alot happening with my DH still, but that feeling of spiraling out of control and not coping has abated. All the support and advice really helped on that thread and I did feel bad that I never went back and thanked everyone properly. I was so emotional I ended up crying when I read the posts, and so had to put mumsnet down for a while!

all, thanks for the support on the grandmother name thing, I do really need to sort it out, but am too much of a coward to address it directly at the moment. I will think on and see if I think its livable with or not I guess. Also, maybe keep trying to teach DS other names and hope he stumbles on one that sticks!

on a separate note, here are my loves and not so loves about AP - I'd be interested to know what yours are if you feel like sharing!

I love:

Opening my eyes sleepily to see my darling DS's face scrunched up against me.

DS's stirring in his sleep and flinging his arms out to make sure I am still there before deciding whether or not to cry.

His look of complete relaxation and safety in my arms.

His game of holding out his arms to mummy [and then gets passed to me], then holding out arms to daddy [and then I pass him back to DH], and then to mummy... etc!

I love the way he wakes up and starts playing with my hair/ nose/ eyes/ mouth with a huge beaming smile on his face [actually, that could be in hate too, depending on how tired i am!]

Looking at babies who seem to hardly notice where they are sat, and being secretly glad mine beams at me when he's on my knee like its his favourite place in the world

The calm sense that I am doing things at the right pace, matching and mirroring each other to be really tune with him

I hate:

The bone aching tiredness of it all

The 'rod for own back' comments, always when I am having a really tired and shakey day... never when I am being proud confident mum!

The occasional yearning to know when his next feed is, or when his bedtime is!

Waking up and freaking out... and then realising its a cushion I am hugging under the duvet, not DS, as he's safely in his hammock

Cramp in my hands from holding him so much!

Not being able to finish sewing his playmat as it needs two hands and no curious little fingers near the sewing machine... at this rate he'll be too old for a playmat before I get it done!

The tiredness, the tiredness, the tiredness!!!

www.continuum-concept.org/reading/whosInControl.html I think it's good stuff, though I struggle with some of it.

'sensing (and fulfilling) his elders' expectations that he is innately social and cooperative and has strong self-preservation instincts, and that he is welcome and worthy.' rather then 'sensing (and conforming to) his caregivers' expectations that he is incapable of self-preservation, is innately antisocial, and cannot learn correct behavior without strict controls, threats and a variety of manipulative "parenting techniques" that undermine his exquisitely evolved learning process.' Sears book about AP through and after the in arms stage to adolescence.