Calling all Attachment parents

[MummyBerryJuice]

So I totally buy into attachment parenting, extended breastfeeding and co-sleeping and don't think that we could cope with our high-need DS (7.5 months) if we didn't babywear etc but I'm coming under increasing pressure to resort to a more 'traditional' form of parenting. DH and I are happy ( if exhausted) but I sometimes feel my resolve faltering when DS has had a particularly demanding day/night. It often only takes a quick read of the Sears website or some such to reaffirm my beliefs.

I don't know any other AP in rl so it would be great to have a support type thread here.

All contributors welcome

What a lovely idea aisiesusie here's mine,
The Good:

Him snuggled up to me in bed, feeling him nuzzle up to my breast in his sleep.

Him stratching in his sleep until he feels me next to him and nodding back off reassured.

Being able to leave the house at a drop of the hat got breasts, got sling, all I need is nappies! Even when overnight, no moses basket to cart about.

His head on my chest whilst we walk with the sling.

Being able to go anywhere, not having to worry about slogging the pram.

Looking down to see him asleep on my lap completely contented and relaxed. When will we ever get this time together again so close and completely in sync?

His huge beaming smiles and giggles when he sees me, someone he knows or someone he's meeting for the first time!

The Not So Good:

Daytime naps, how? Where? When? Please ds just sleep!

Won't settle on me smelling my milk and no one to hand him to for a bit.

The no one to hand him to for a bit.

Booking my baths with peoples visits sometimes!

Struggle to carry ds in sling, shopping, my stuff and walk dog!

People being unsupportive and even hostile.

The tiredness, the tiredness, the tiredness!!!
The tiredness, the tiredness, the tiredness!!!
The tiredness, the tiredness, the tiredness!!! Amen to that.

These are really lovely.

Mine are

love: flapping arms and kicking legs in excitement when dh or I walk in room

waking up in morning

seeing him choose and eat pieces of boiled egg at 7.5 months. Amazing!

Yes to running out the door with nothing

Don't like: I really could use an extra person to help carry him!

So tired! (however last night was a bit better)

Hi there, was wondering if I could join your gang? Really pleased to have found some other AP style mums on here! Have not had chance to read whole thread yet but will try.

I have one DD of 17 months - we are breastfeeding and cosleeping. I like many others had the nursery and cot all prepared when pregnant but DD had other plans. Me hubbie and DD all now sleep comfortably on two double mattresses pushed together on our bedroom floor! A few friends/relatives have raised eyebrows but I think you just have to do what is best for you and your family. After a few early months of feeling confused by all the different 'advice' I tossed the book and started following my instincts and from there realised there were a lot of other mums out there doing the same. Sadly I have not met any AP mums in RL yet.

It has been lovely to read some of the stories from AP parents with older children.

Hi cosmo , come on in.

We're going away to Leicester for a wedding tomorrow (and I'm really not looking toward to it). We had a really, really bad night last night with DS waking up at 02H30 and wanting to play. And then didn't want to sleep much at all during the day. Very frustrating.

But... On a positive note, he started crawling today so: Yay!!!

Do any of you ever worry that you don't 'do' enough? I mean in terms of high touch. DS is spending more and more time on the floor playing and crawling about and sometimes it occurs to me that I should be carrying him more. What do you think?

No way congrats! When was your ds born MBJ?

Thanks . He was born the week before Christmas.

Ah don't be . Tis exciting, looking forward to it.

MBJ, take his lead. If he wants to be down exploring and crawling let him. As long as he's being held when he needs to be held and allowed to explore when he wants to explore he'll continue to feel secure and develop confidence in himself. Well, that's my theory anyway, I haven't actually read any AP books so maybe someone will correct me!

Good morning

This is exactly the kind of thread I have been looking for so I hope I'm welcome to join you. I have a 2.3yo dd who co slept until c18mo (& still does every
morning from 5), bf til 2 and is generally lovely and sunny.

I will read all the way through the thread now but it has made me smile reading the posts regarding other people's routine related questions "is she due a feed" etc. Most of our friends have found our parenting style unfathomable.

Anyway, I come with a question. As dd bf until 2 and has always had a feed just before sleep, I've always done the last stage of bed time. Dp (or my mum, sister etc if we are out/at theirs) do bath, 2 stories all together then I give her a bottle of milk and sing and hold her until she is asleep (I dread to think what non APers would think of me). No problem there. But at around 6 months dd started stroking my hair while feeding, this then became tugging my hair. I quickly realised she found my hair a comfort and so whenever she needed it I'd let her stroke it (it is long!) to relax. I've recently recognised that it's becoming a source of frustration for me. It often hurts and I spend a high percentage of the day hearing "your hair please mamma" with dd wanting to stroke/tug/wind her hands in it while she is watching tv/in the car/reading books as well as at nap and bed time.

She self weaned 3 months ago so I can be confident she was ready to stop that but I realise this is a remaining very physical bond between us and am really unsure of how to meet that need for her without losing anymore hair.

She has the usual assortment of soft toys etc but it's obvious to me this is a mamma thing not a need to stroke something soft.

I'm hoping for some supportive suggestions rather than the awful rl advice I've been given by the handful of people I was silly enough to ask which've ranged from blame to suggestions that I give her a wig to hold

Any comments very gratefully recieved.

Let her do it for shorter and shorter lengths of time, ie gently wean her off it. So say ok, you can have mamma's hair for 5 minutes, then count her down until when she has to stop with plenty of warning.

If it is sore, tell her that it hurts and ask her to be more gentle. If she isn't gentle get her to stop until she can be.

At least she says please. And, a wig indeed!

Has anyone read or have any thoughts on this ?

MummyBerryJuice how exciting! I bet its a really different stage, and just so adorable too! HairyMelons sounds wise about the 'when to hold and when not too advice, I was wondering how that would work myself - you must let us know how its going?

cosmogirl oh I am envious of the two double mattresses, we are in the uncomfortable position of one double bed for me and sproglet half the night, and then he gets unceremoniously dropped on his daddy at 7am ish who is bunking on the sofa in search of some peace. Then I go back to bed for a couple of hours of sleep where I can sprawl and roll and bury myself in the duvet without fear of squishing the little one!

ItWasADarkAndStormyNight - really interesting links! haven't got to the last one yet, but thinking about the first two...

There seems to be something interesting around the idea of control for attachment parenting, although both the film & the article seem to be about a step away from trying to control everything as a parent, they have slightly different approaches as well, I don't know what you think?

The film seems to be about ceding control to the child and trusting him/her to get as much as they need for development and learning out of the environment - without parental influence. The only responsibility seems to be for the parent to provide as stimulating environment as possible, and to be there to guide the child should they ask for it. To me this feels like it could be interpreted as quite child-centric - especially for people whose environments don't include a tree house in the jungle!!!
Now the article gave a slightly different perspective, where any child-centredness is seen as bad for the child, so giving control to the child is not the name of the game here. Its about taking control as an adult, but parents by getting on with your daily life and letting the child watch and join in by baby wearing.

I think there was a moment that clicked in my head at about 3-6 weeks, was when I stopped trying to shape and push events and let them unfold naturally. There was a big moment of realising that relaxing into the natural rhythm of the day was so much better than trying [and failing!] to impose a structure. This felt refreshingly different to the way I'd lived my life until then - almost revolutionary in fact! BUT this ceding control can easily become utterly baby centric, letting the baby tell you what is happening when... which is what the article warns against...

I think I'd like to work on being more of the parent in the article - although that seems to rely on baby wearing [vs baby carrying]... which I find difficult due to lingering spd...

anyway, fascinating stuff!

I've only skimmed this thread but just wanted to give some perspective from the point of view of someone a loooong way down the AP route (old aged mother time me)

I'd thoroughly recommend it!!

I have 4 DC who range from 17 to 5.

We instinctively co- slept, mostly held DC1 etc. Then when he was about 6 months I read "Three in a bed" by Deborah Jackson which inspired me to read the Continuum concept.

I never looked back!

Fast forward 17 years and my children are all happy, confident, mature,sociable, independent children who are all incredibly resilient and able to talk through their emotions.

People remark in particular about how close my teen boys aged 15 and 17 are me and DH, always chatting to us, and able to talk things through and negotiate.

I wouldn't say I've ever followed AP to the letter, just used it as an overall approach, and who knows, if I'd followed a more GF sort of approach for instance they might have turned out exactly the same ..but I doubt it!!

DC4 who is 5 still co- sleeps, I find mine stop regularly co-sleeping around 5/6-I'll miss it in a way-will be the end of an era.

Good luck to all of you starting out on the AP route. Ignore the critics, concentrate on what feels right for you and your child and to all of you feeling the TIREDNESS, keep it up (if you want to!!)

I'd do it all again like a shot

What a lovely post laydeestardust your what I want to be!
AisieSusie it's confusing stuff and open to interpretation. I think the jist is that children are inherently eager to learn, sociable and want to survive! They should be allowed to do these things, it warns against helicopter parenting, you should always be open but take a step back? I did say I struggled with it!
Hoping Sears will illuminate me further or another poster who's been there?

Hi I just started my own "post www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/1026420-The-Continuum-Concept-is-anyone-trying-this-approach-advice-needed?rnd=1282499249981" but ItWasADarkAndStormyNight invited me to join this thread (thanks), sorry not had time to read the whole thing yet but a big question I have is this...I am just reading the Continuum Concept and it is totally turning my whole world upside down but in a good way I think. However I already have one DS who has just turned 2 and I am wondering about this idea of bringing him into the bed now for a few months before next baby is born (Feb next year). What do people think and anyone got experience of starting this idea late does it work to 'catch up' something they missed out on in a way or am I creating more problems at this late stage? Also not sure if I can convince my DH, he might be up for co-sleeping with the next baby but the thought of our two year old joining us is a bit much to him.... help all advice welcome to a newbie :-)

Hello again, I'll warn you now I have no life so I'm around a lot!
Don't know what copy of the continuum concept you've got but in the revised addition she specifically talks at the start about doing just what your talking about with a school age child and it having fantastic results. No experience myself but that's what the cc says.

I really do have no life, moved to a new town less then two weeks before my waters broke Though a lady in Sainsburys asked me about and complimented me on my sling earlier and it made my day! Usually it's just old ladies asking me what if you fall

yes I think I have the revised copy and yes I read that about the 4 year old I think, I guess one concern I have is what if he is still the bed when baby arrives- I guess the whole thing might take some major lifestyle changes! For example i currently drive to our local Steiner School with DS who will be going there for little kindie (pre Kindergarten) next year, I guess I would need to get the bus with baby to keep them in arms all the time. However looking back this was one time that my DS cried the worst. He was generally quite a calm baby despite being put down lots but in the car he used to scream it was heart breaking but I just thought he was hungry or something. Although it upset me it never occurred to me to stop driving! Everyone says oh its just a phase they will grow out of and you kinda go along. mmh thinking about making some big changes here. Sorry I think out load a lot

Well I think in that example it only lasted a few months. You could always offer it to him, or put it off til later. I don't drive but when I'm in the car ds does go in the car seat and it does send him to sleep which can be a life saver! I started out thinking I'd fllow cc to the letter but it's just not feasible sometimes. I do as much as I can though. Do you hav a sling?
I think out loud too!

only one ring sling and I never learnt to use it with the first, but I think I will buy a few slings instead of a new cot!

Hi everyone,

just catching up, I love this thread, it is so inspiring to read about other people with children that bit older than DD who are stil BF and co-sleeping etc, really helps me to stick with my decision to go with attachment parenting even though I am so tired.

Anyway, I need some help:
I did such a stupid thing. DD rolled off the bed yesterday during a daytime nap she has suddenly got more mobile; she must have turned round, wriggled past the bed guard and onto the floor. I feel so terrible about it and last night I hardly slept at all because I was constantly on edge worrying she would wake up and I wouldn't hear her and she'd fall again.

Can I have some reassurance that she won't fall out of bed if I'm in bed with her? I think I know it deep down as I wake instantly to her, but having her fall at all has really shaken my confidence.

Obviously she'll be in her cot for daytime naps now - she used to sleep on me all the time but I found she is more relaxed and sleeps better in her own space during the day.

Hi ickle and Southwest. Welcome.

Nothing to report reply just thought I'd look to say hi.

So I have finally sat down and read through the whole thread (should be writing my shopping list but never mind!) One thing I was wondering about nap times in the day, has anyone had any success with sleeping in the sling on your back? Seems to me a good solution if they won't be put down but you have stuff to do, however I have never tried this so I don't know how you get them on your back etc?? In the continuum concept she seems to suggest the babys sleep in the sling during the day or in arms. What are other peoples experiences?

Welcome to thread ickle and sw. hi MM! (no to wig too ha!, gentle weaning I guess).

MBJ how do you do day time naps with crawling? Ds is in my bed...

Southwest, it's horrible the first time they fall off the bed... but don't worry, she will be fine. My DD did a leap off the sofa before she was even rolling and I felt so guilty! They bounce quite well, babies!

I used to swaddle DD when she slept in the day, and put her right in the middle of the bed on top of the duvet, there was less chance of escape that way! Later, she had her daytime naps either in the sling if we were out and about or (sometimes) in the cot if we were at home. But then, she didn't often have daytime naps of more than about 10 minutes until she was over a year anyway!!

icklecat there are some good videos on Youtube that show you how to put the baby on your back. You can practise kneeling on a bed, especially if you can see in a mirror at the time. I found, as I said above, that DD would sleep in the sling when we were out and about, she would also sleep in the carseat or pram though (we used both) and like clockwork she would wake up the second we came through the door, same with the sling!