I feel like a crap mother

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've craved a child since I can remember. I used to be a nursery nurse, then a primary school teacher. I always saw myself as a very maternal person. 2 weeks ago I finally gave birth to my first child. But now I'm thinking "what have I done?"

I think I've ruined our lives (the baby, DH and me). Everyday I burst into tears. The sound of my baby crying feels like a cheese grater across my brain. I love her dearly and feel so guilty for not enjoying motherhood. I always thought I would be good at this, or at least satisfactorily competent.

I'm scared of my child. I'm scared of being left alone with her. What if something bad happens to her? What if she starts crying and nothing will stop her?

Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood? This is what I craved more than anything in the world. I have everything I ever wanted, and yet I feel so scared.

I know I should "grow up". I just can't seem to lift this cloud.

I hear so many new mums say "I love being a mother. It has came naturally to me".

What does that even mean? "Comes naturally"??

Well I don't think it has came naturally to me. I think I've made a big mistake, and my poor innocent little girl and my husband deserves so much better.

Why did no one tell me it would be this way? Am I that naive?

My dear I think you may have PND post natel depression. I would reccomend a trip to the doctors.

In the mean time get DH to have DD for afew hours and just have some " me " time.

I'm sure some lovely Mnetters will be along shortly with some better advice

Exogenesis I'd love some "me" time but it sounds like a crazy illusion. I see mothers of babies on facebook and they're going to the theatre and cinema, etc and I always wonder how the hell they do it. I'm breastfeeding so can't leave the baby because it's impossible to predict when she will want feeding. She has to constantly be attached to me.

Ok, a lot of what you're feeling is very normal. I had always, always wanted children. My sister was a teen mum and her kids lived in the family home for a while so I was very involved with them. I was very very confident that I knew what I was getting myself into when I had my first child. I'd done plenty of nappies, some sleepless nights and lots of babysitting. I was taken completely by surprise when DD came along. I felt completely overwhelmed, I was very tearful and anxious, I felt so out of my depth. My mum came to stay for a while and I ended up begging her to stay for 2 weeks as I was terrified of being left on my own with the baby.

I would say it took until DD was 6 weeks old before I finally felt like I loved her and I was coping. By the time she was 12 weeks old I was properly enjoying her.

Some mums are lucky and it does 'come naturally', plenty of us pretend that it does because we don't want to admit how hard it is.

It WILL get so much better. In the meantime though I would have a chat with your HV, just in case it's more than baby blues/adjustment to motherhood. I don't know much about Post Natal Depression but I think it might be worth ruling out.

And stop being so hard on yourself, your little girl won't have any clue you aren't enjoying her yet - and will be none the worse for you feeling this way. YOU are the one suffering here, you need to be good to yourself.

Also as she's only 2 weeks I'm not sure if I can express yet.

Didn't want your message to go unanswered so just wanted to say I'm really sorry to hear you are feeling so low. Although I can't say that I felt like you are feeling now, I certainly wouldn't say that motherhood has come entirely naturally to me and I think lots and lots of other people are the same.

If your daughter is only 2 weeks old, then you are probably exhausted, from both the birth and from disturbed nights (and possibly from breastfeeding if you're doing that too?), and your hormones are all over the place. I think it's completely natural to feel scared about the responsibility you have towards a tiny baby too.

I'm sure some other people will be along very soon to share your experiences, but given how young your baby is your feelings sound totally understandable. Even if you have experience with children, it's totally different having your own child.

Can you talk to your midwife / health visitor about how you are feeling? There are also some helplines who would be able to listen to you, reassure you you aren't crazy, and maybee suggest some strategies for getting through these early days.

Parentline Plus

NCT postnatal helpline line

Hope some of this helps and I'm sure there will be lots of support on Mumsnet for you too.

Well said MrsGravy!

Just half hour to have a long hot bath and read a magazine. Trust me it can make the world of differance.

Tweedle, honestly I felt exactly the same. Could have written your post literelly word for word 4 years ago

I'm guessing that nothing right now will make you feel 100% better but please do understand this can be a 'normal' (you know what I mean) reaction.

People do mention how hard it is, of course, but nothing, nothing compares to the daily grind of it, especially while your hormones are still going loop-de-loop.

Your little gorgeous girl and your DP couldn't deserve better than you. You're theirs!

Please do not be frightened of going to the GP to talk about this (or your health visitor).

I stupidly didn't and spent about 9 months worth of my baby's life in misery, when I should have used the resources and help that was available.

Plus if I'd have known about MN then I wouldn't have thought I was the only person on the planet toregret having a baby

Keep talking on here - it'll help. But please do speak to GP/HV as well.

It will get better. It doesn't feel like it right now but it does

I used to think I had ruined our lives too... It is a huge huge change, you are sort of grieving for your old life, and incredibly daunted by the responsilbility in front of you, your hormone levels are going back to normal, AND you sre sleep deprived, so give yourself a break.
Get as much help as you can, and pease dont beat yourself up about anything, because you are not a crap mum, your little grl knows nothing of how you feel and you WILL feel better soon!
I always wonder about people who say mothering came natually to them too - which part? The filthy nappies, the tiredness, the constant washing??? I think people just say it to sound like an Earth Mother myself....

I started expressing at 2 weeks - but I'd only attempt this if it doesn't make you feel even more anxious.

I found it very difficult to leave my DD with DH even to take a nap. Since having 2 more kids I've realised that even a breastfed baby should be fine for an hour in between feeds. What I sometimes do is just walk down to the shop and back. Just some fresh air and a small break can make me feel better in the early days.

Oh hun

It honestly wont always be like this
The first 2 weeks are the hardest ever, then it improves a little- then again at 6 weeks it gets a bit easier again

And again at 12 weeks and a big improvement at around 6 months

Parenting comes easy to a few people- to lots of others of us it doesnt. But it does get better, I promise you

Tonight pack up the change bag and tomorrow morning call the drs to book an appointment - or do you still have the midwives coming?
Ask for help- get people round to you if it is easier
Try and get showered and dressed before your partner leaves in the morning if you possibly can- it makes life easier if you can just get up and go

I promise it gets easier and better, you just have to survive this bit

Hi Feel,

I think this is quite normal for many many people. The shock to your system with a newborn is absolutely huge, and it can take a long time to get used to it.

When I had my DS I think I actually went through the grief stages (denial/anger/bargaining/depression/acceptance)
I found myself thinking of ways that I could escape, ways that I could go back to my old like, but obviously that's not going to happen, hence the depression stage. I personally think that this is the point where PND can start.

I remember thinking I could just walk away across the fields and not come back, I remember looking at hotels with deals so I could just fuck off for a night because I couldn't deal (this was at about the 10 day point)

The first day after DP went to work (DS was about 5 weeks old - born over Christmas) I thought he was choking and had to call an ambulance. I was fucking terrified of something happening, but at the same time scared to death that I was the one who had to look after him.

DS is 2.7 now. It DID take me a few months to bond with him, but when I did it hit me like a truck. I'm absolutely in love with my little boy, he's the most incredible creature on this earth. I won't lie, the first few months were very very hard, but they're mostly a blur now..

Sorry for rambling, I hope this helps in some way.

speak to your health visitor and be honest and open about how you feel.

i felt the same way when i had my daughter - terrified to be left alone with her, worried bout every single thing....

she is 11 now but i feel your pain

your little daughter is 2 weeks only - your body and hormone levels will be all over the place and you need to cut yourself some slack....your baby deserves you and you deserve your baby.

biiiiggg hug from me.

xxxxxx

Ok and forget about reading about what others do on FB...IGNORE! It'll only make you feel worse.

Do you want to be off out to the cinema while you're so tired? You'l only fall asleep

Honestly - small things can make a massive difference -

15/20 mins in another room reading a mag, with )still hot) tea and chocolate

A glass of vino when DD goes to sleep in the eve

Oh, lots of cross-posting. If you are breastfeeding, then I agree that it's unrealistic to try to leave a 2 week old (I think you aren't advised to express until later on). Me time might just be a bath in the evening by yourself while your partner cuddles the baby.

I agree that your daughter won't know how you are feeling - all she wants is milk and cuddles. I think you have to focus on the really small things, like getting through each morning, and trying to leave the house each day (even just for a walk to the park etc). And to remind yourself that you are not a bad mother, just a new mother.

Cross-posting about baths, and small things!

I also could have written your post in 2008. Dd now 2.5 and it gets much better, I promise. I think it is somehow seen as wrong for mums to admit they are finding the early days hard/regret having their child and even actively dislike him/her after long periods of crying etc. But the truth is that most mums feel like that - as Valpolicella says, wish I'd known about MN and had found this out! As previous posters have said, enlist the help - whether that be from friends/family or health professionals. I was very anxious about leaving dd with others, even after stopping breast feeding. But once you've done it once, and all has been fine, it will give you the confidence to take a little more time for yourself. Thinking of you xx

Yes, definitely make sure you somehow get yourself out of the house every single day... in the morning if possible. It feels like SUCH an enormous task when you have a little one, but if you can get out the door you will feel better

Oh and I forgot to say... you're NOT a crap mum at ALL

You aren't enjoying motherhood because the first few weeks are a 24 hour a day crash course in the hardest job in the world.

You are stressed out of your brain, you are trying to learn on very limited sleep, your new boss (your baby) screams at you in the middle of the night, in fact all she does to you is scream at you.

There's very little positive feedback. You never know if what you have learned it the right thing to do. Everyone else seems to be doing the job better, or to have a more reasonable boss. You don't get designated breaks and you never know when or if your next one is coming, or if it will be interrupted by more screaming demands....

It sounds, when written down, like the job from HELL!

And this is motherhood.

Soon, she won't cry so much, or if she does you will know what she wants or, indeed, that she doesn't particularly want anything and is just having a shout. Soon, you will have your chosen feeding method established enough to be able to leave her with her dad and go to a coffee shop and have some time alone.

Soon, she will smile at you, and start making those fantastic cooing noises that turn my stomach into soft cheese.

It gets better. This is a really hard time, she's still so tiny and you have relatively little experience and you're getting not positives - yet. But you will.

If you still feel this bad in 2 weeks, please talk to your doctor, but I really hope this will pick up.

By the way, I most certainly was not a natural mother, and I spent 3 weeks weeping that I had ruined my life, and my baby's life and if I wasn't so selfish I would put him up for adoption etc etc. 7 years later we are ticking along very nicely.

Please have a look at this thread- well it's long, just the first few pages will do! You'll find mother after mother who felt the same as you- and hundreds of tips on what to do to get through those difficult first 6 weeks.

And then get on Amazon and order this book:

What Mothers Do

And you'll find hundreds of women who feel the same way, including about being scared to be left alone with their baby.

Your feelings are completely and totally normal. Don't panic. Just get through each day at a time, and if that fails, each hour at a time, or even each twenty minutes at a time. It is baby bootcamp but it won't last forever. It just feels that way at the moment. Aside from the lack of sleep, you have the most bonkers hormones coursing round your body, and they will take a while to settle. Keep posting and we'll help you through it- many of us have been where you are now.

Can you imagine if while at work one day, they took you into a meeting room and said.

'Right, in about 8 months time you're going to do a new job. It'll be rewarding yes, don't you worry!

But.

You'll be expected to be on call 24/7. Lower pay. No opportunity for after work drinks or random Sunday trips to a cafe/pub. Because you're new boss will be a leeetle more demading.

Again. long term benefits are great!

But.

You'll be in this job till the very day you start the new one. You'll be able to talk to lots of people who've done the same but unfortunately you won't get the chance to do any real 'shadowing'

But

Once the hard part is over you'll love it, really, you will!'

Anyone presented with that would find the transition hard, as obviously many of us do. It would be uterly daunting!!

But then you speak to those who've been doing the job a while, and you find out we came out of the other side

Please don't be afraid of asking for help in RL. I didn't and it nearly destroyed me

Oh love I felt just the same when DS (my first, now 5) was that little. I was convinced I couldn't do it and told DH he'd be better off being adopted. I still remember the feeling of utter hopelessness, of not knowing what I was doing, of thinking I couldn't cope.
It will get better. Don't feel guilty for not enjoying it yet. The early weeks are bloody hard work, plus you'll be tired and you won't have fully recovered from giving birth yet. Your whole life's just been turned upside down. Even if that's happened because you wanted it to, it still takes a while to adjust to.
Don't be so hard on yourself.

OP, no one in RL has told you to 'pull yourself together' have they, because you've been crying, have they?

Because if they have I will come round and unleash the vitriol I've been saving for the people who told me that four years ago...

Honest. No bother

feellike

I will be honest and say I usually get very annoyed at posters being diagnosed online.
It happens an awful lot on another forum I go on.

Reading your OP I have to agree with others who have suggested you may showing signs of PND.

You are not a crap mum. I have just had my 5th, I love babies/children and would have a hundred if I could.

But I still get those days. I still dont know it all.

It will be fine, it will get better. Dont be scared to ask for help.