I feel like a crap mother

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've craved a child since I can remember. I used to be a nursery nurse, then a primary school teacher. I always saw myself as a very maternal person. 2 weeks ago I finally gave birth to my first child. But now I'm thinking "what have I done?"

I think I've ruined our lives (the baby, DH and me). Everyday I burst into tears. The sound of my baby crying feels like a cheese grater across my brain. I love her dearly and feel so guilty for not enjoying motherhood. I always thought I would be good at this, or at least satisfactorily competent.

I'm scared of my child. I'm scared of being left alone with her. What if something bad happens to her? What if she starts crying and nothing will stop her?

Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood? This is what I craved more than anything in the world. I have everything I ever wanted, and yet I feel so scared.

I know I should "grow up". I just can't seem to lift this cloud.

I hear so many new mums say "I love being a mother. It has came naturally to me".

What does that even mean? "Comes naturally"??

Well I don't think it has came naturally to me. I think I've made a big mistake, and my poor innocent little girl and my husband deserves so much better.

Why did no one tell me it would be this way? Am I that naive?

Ah you poor old hysterical thing. We have all been there. Please try to remember you had a baby TWO WEEKS AGO. Please don't be so surprised that your body is different or you feel different. A huge thing has happened. You made a whole new human being with your body. It's extraordinary! You will be a bit fat for a bit, then you will get slimmer again. Nobody has a waist two weeks after having a baby (except that daft bitch Giselle Bundchen) It's what happens. I know you don't believe me and are panicking right now, but it will. (repeat after me, it's ONLY TWO WEEKS!) Your current state is not now a permanent state of affairs. You will change, your baby will change, your life will change. And importantly, the shock will wear off and your hormones (which are going loop-de-loop at the moment) will settle down. Remember, your husband did not give birth, does not have this massive postnatal hormone crash to contend with, and is back at work. Of course it is easier for him. So you've been tearful and tired etc - but it's only been for a fortnight! Go on, go out, join something, talk to a real person and do something nice for yourself. Let strangers coo over your no doubt very cute (if scarily unpredictable) baby.

Oh tweedledee things will pick up, in the meantime look after yourself and your baby and I'd echo many other peoples comments about perhaps seeing your gp to just explain how you feel as well as talk things through with dh. A coffee and trashy magazine by yourself for just 1 hour alone while dh manages the baby will make the world of difference to you too. Certainly it did for me.

My dc2 is 3 months old and yes I'm not the figure I was before number 1 and i too hate it BUT i WILL bein time and so will you but it's only been a few short weeks hon. Can I urge you - really urge you - to eat more than cereal for lunch and also if you get hungry to have a few healthy snacks to. When breastfeeding - especially exclusively - all the advice is NOT to calorie count and diet until AT MINIMUM 6 weeks post birth and even then limit it to one lb a week. Anything more than this and not only are you at risk of not getting all the nutrients you need but it is likely to have the effect of drying up your milk supply which in turn will make things even harder as baby will be hungry, crying etc etc.

mummytime - she's got to have been better than me. Practice makes perfect yes?

btw is it possible to drink alcohol when breastfeeding? I've heard conflicting advice. As we co-sleep (not something I had originally planned) I'd only have a vodka or two in the morning so by nighttime it would be well out of my system. I haven't had a drop of alcohol for 9 months and I think it would calm my nerves. It was a good occassional comforter pre-pregnancy.

I hope you mean you are having a vodka or two at night, not for breakfast, otherwise I would be worried about you! Yes, fine to have a few drinks while breastfeeding - have a drink with your husband when he comes home. Hey, you could even pop to the pub together as the evenings are still light. But I honestly think a walk, a coffee in a cafe, a trashy mag and a chat with a friend will do more for you today. Put the baby in something cute. That used to cheer me up.

I suggested breakfast as I read that you should not co-sleep if you've had alcohol.

Alcohol is a depressant, it may make you feel better for an hour or two but in the long term it'll make you feel worse.

You can have a couple whilst bfing but not recommended if you're co sleeping, sorry.

You MUST try and bear in mind that this will pass, really really quickly. It seems never ending and like hell on earth at the moment, each day seems like a week and it's all so overwhelming. But it WILL get better.

Wait and see what your HV says before you make any decisions.

Would it help if we talked about your baby's crying and if there's anything we can do to help you settle her?

You poor thing. You love her and you're worried something bad will happen to her - see, you are a perfectly good mother. It is perfectly normal not to have a clue what to do, I know I didn't - and looking back I can admit I really didn't enjoy my early weeks of motherhood. And I can promise you that as the weeks passed, suddenly I looked back and realised how much happier I was than I had been and how much I was by then enjoying my children.

Are you a bit of a perfectionist by any chance? If you are anything like me it wasn't until I had children that I realised how much I liked to be in control of my life, and how suddenly there was something I just didn't know how to do (be a mother) and therefore I felt like I was failing when I wasn't.

I want to send a big hug, FeelLikeTweedleDee. I won't repeat what all the other mnetters have said (because I agree with all of it), but one mantra I had to keep repeating to myself was that a crying child doesn't mean a bad parent.

I remember having to phone my DH (who had gone out for an important work do) in tears begging him to come back because I couldn't cope and within ten minutes of him being home, he had a calm child in one arm and was cooking his dinner with the other. I felt such a failure, but he's since told me that he spent a lot of that time feeling useless because he couldn't do the breastfeeding.

And you really aren't the only one to feel like this - I had a phonecall just last week from a friend who had her first baby two weeks ago. There were a lot of tears, confusion and general feelings of failure from her, too.

It won't be like this forever, I promise.

Tweedledee I'm with you on the no waist and thighs rubbing together. But honsetly, mine are still shrinking at 4 weeks it takes 6 weeks usually for your uterus to go right back down. You'll keep losing, I promise.

You nana, of course you shouldn't have vodka for breakfast! A glass of wine with dinner, yes, of course. So when are you going out? It's a lovely day. Do you know anyone from your antenatal classes? Text her and suggest a coffee. You will feel more human, I promise. And babies generally sleep if you take them out for a walk.

Thanks everyone. I hope these horrible feelings go. The health visitor assured me that they would. But it seems like never-ending depression at the moment, with nothing to look forward to.

The realisation that for years I'll never have time to myself, never have 8 hours unbroken sleep, never be able to pop into town on my own without needing someones assistance - this makes me mourn my old life. Which is ironic because pre-pregnancy all I ever did was mourn the fact that I didn't have children! Maddness! I remember pre-pregnancy saying that now I was ready to be selfless. Well apparently I was wrong. I'm a selfish cow. I even fantasise about getting ill and ending up in hospital, just so I can have some rest.

I'm also jealous of DH. He gets to go to the pub with his dad every Sunday and have drinks and play snooker. I've never been away from the baby for longer than 40mins.

I was really looking forward to being a SAHM. I thought it was my 'calling', that nothing else in life suited me more. Now I find myself jealous of DH going to work everyday. He can get a brake from being a parent and come back home relatively refreshed whilst I go more and more insane. The health visitor said that I will enjoy being a SAHM in time. But when is this magical milestone where suddenly I embrace this lifestyle and wonder what all the fuss was about? When will this cloud magically lift? What will prompt it to lift?

The fact that I have a history of anxiety and depression prompts DH to say "you're just being your ususal self. The topic of your depression has changed that's all". But the feelings I'm experiencing at the moment are like nothing I've felt before. This isn't your average depression and anxiety, but how do I prove that to him? How do I let him understand that this is different? It's a new and even more overwhelming type of depression.

Also I'm starting to realise how important my physical appearence is to my self esteem. I'm finding that my mind is becoming consumed with thoughts such as "get that carrot cake from the fridge and throw it in the bin now whilst you aren't craving it" and "are you really hungry or can you go a little longer without food you fat cow" and "remember how gross you looked in that Marks and Spencer dressing room, having to ask for a larger size in everything". If DH were to dump me now, what other man would even look at me? I'd be on the shitheap at 28.

You WILL have time to yourself: not as much as you did perhaps, but you will. Your DH does - he's going to the pub every Sunday. You can too - almost immediately by expressing or giving formula, or feeds will be more spaced out naturally and then solids etc. And it is possible to have 8 hours unbroken sleep from a fairly early stage, it just depends on you and your baby. And you will get used to popping everywhere with a baby in tow or just leaving her with her father or someone else.

Minus your physical appearance concerns, I could have written a lot of your post. For me things changed about 4 months or so with DD, 8 weeks with DS - probably not coincidentally, when they started going 10pm-7am-ish without a feed. Not being knackered just made a huge difference. Also for me, although I was EBF, I needed the reassurance of knowing someone else could give them EBM in a bottle - suddenly I wasn't trapped any more, it was my choice to be the one feeding them and I could go out in the evening for example.

Can you go and take some exercise, particularly if you are normally quite sporty? If you go out as soon as you've fed DD you should be able to get a bit of exercise in before the next feed and you'd get a break too as well as perhaps making you feel better about yourself. There are buggy exercise classes too which would get you out in the fresh air with your baby and also talking to other people. Or even an exercise video if needs be - worth trying to get those exercise endorphins going on.

I read that you shouldn't express till at least 6 weeks.

PP - how did you manage not to care about your physical appearence?

"it is possible to have 8 hours unbroken sleep from a fairly early stage"

I was told that I shouldn't let the baby go for longer than 4 hours without a feed so sometimes I have to wake her. Also what about nappy changing?

OP - you sound very tired, very down and all that you are going through is very normal for a new mother with a tiny, demanding newborn.

Why not show your DH this thread? It will help him understand just how bad you are feeling, and may enable him to see that you need lots of help and lots of reassurance right now.

I'm betting he thinks that you are absolutely gorgeous, and all the more so for bringing your DD into this world.

I've read all the posts on this thread and TweedleDee I really feel you need to speak to your GP. What you're feeling is perfectly normal and many new mothers feel the same. However, reading your responses to other people's suggestions makes me think you probably need some extra help to get through this, whether that's ADs, counselling or a mixture of both. You've got into some very negative thinking patterns where you're throwing obstacles in the path of solutions without considering them fully. It's a hallmark of true depression and DOES NOT mean you are a negative or miserable person. Indeed, think of it this way: in spite of all your fears and how terrible you feel, you are still carrying on. That's brave, committed and utterly commendable, and makes you far more incredible than a mum who loves every moment and is finding the whole thing a walk in the park. As an analogy, who do you admire more? The person with two legs who runs down the street, or the person with a prosthetic who's just learned to walk 10 steps unaided?

I read an interesting study a while back (can't remember where, sorry) that showed that PND is slightly more common among women who have had fertility treatment. The extrapolation was that the PND was not so much the end result of the stress that IVF etc places on a couple but that a woman who has spent so much time dreaming about her wonderful life with her new baby has so much further to fall when the reality so massively fails to live up to expectation. The trouble is that having gone on for so long about how much they wanted it, many women felt that they couldn't admit that they were struggling. I think it's similar for women who have conceived naturally having really wanted a child. IF they find it hard, they feel they can't admit it. Personally, remembering how I felt after the birth of mine, I am happy to tell everyone how hard I found it to begin with. The number of mothers who then say, "Well, now you mention it..."

Please see your GP and good luck. It WILL get easier.

Hold on, hold on! Just listen to yourself for a minute! Ok, you had a baby barely 14 days ago. I assume that you were pretty happy when the baby was born? That you had a bit of excitement and euphoria? It's OK if not, but I'm guessing that you did. So all these feelings, though you feel as if they have been there forever, are actually pretty new. Can you see that if they weren't there before, they can go again? That they are in fact, temporary? You are using incredibly dramatic language: Lots of 'never's and 'always' etc. But of course you will sleep again (and it won't take years) and you will go out without 'assistance' (it's only a baby you've got there ) Why not go out with a friend? Babies are portable. In fact there is nothing as portable as a tiny baby! What would you LIKE to do? Go to the pub with mate or your husband? Have coffee? See an exhibition? Wander round the shops? You can do all that. Even Liz Hurley and Kate Moss got pretty fat when they were pregnant. Did they stay fat? No. Good lord, Kate Hudson put on more than four stones, and she looks fine now. If you've been a little thing all your life you will go back in the end. Nobody NOBODY is 'back to normal in two weeks. It is no time at all. What are your plans for tomorrow? Why not meet a friend? Join a Pramercise class (or whatever they have nowadays for the young folk!!) visit family, get a pedicure - do something you enjoy and realise you can do all those things with a tiny baby in tow if you want. I went for dinner when my first was a couple of weeks old. PUt baby in a car seat, they will drop off on drive to restaurant (not too swanky a restaurant ideally) then pop car seat under the table and have somethng nice to eat and a glass of wine with your husband.

Gawd, if you have to wake your baby to feed her you are a lucky woman! I'd say, if she's healthy then let her sleep and try to sleep yourself. Keep in touch with your HV and if your feelings don't lift a bit in the next week or so, be honest with her. You may need a bit more help. There's no shame in it.

FeelLikeTweedleDee, you sound so much like me...am typing quickly one-handed while breastfeeding so will try to get some of this down. Have briefly scanned thread so may well repeat some things that others have said. I too am a primary school teacher, taught Reception pre-baby and thought (and many around me kept saying) had maternal written all over me. My baby is now 9 weeks. At 2-3 weeks I really thought the world was a pretty dark place, I hated it all, was horribly sleep deprived, I think sleep deprivation in itself makes you feel like you are going mad. I remember OH coming home and telling me to take one day at a time, at which point I screamed at him, literally screamed that I couldn't do another day and it was easy for him to say as he went off to work and didn't have to deal with it all.

At work I used to be very in control, a bit of a perfectionist and it drove me nuts that I couldn't have any structure or clue at how to deal with this all. I think having a baby is such a leveller, you can't be good at it all the time, sometimes you never feel good at it. And you body image certainly takes a battering. I've found out more about me as a person and am learning bigger lessons than ever before.

7 weeks on and things are looking so much brighter. This is what is changing:

• I started expressing at 5 weeks. Took my baby a few days to get used to it. Now in the am I express a big bottle. When my partner gets home from work at 6ish, I give it to him and walk out the door. Initially I was just going for a 15 min walk in the eve but have now started doing the odd low-key exercise class at a gym 10 mins away. It means I'm out the house in total for hour and 20 mins. I love the freedom and am starting to do something healthy for my body.

• My baby has started sleeping for longer periods at night. Every baby is different, but there will come a point at some point that you will get a solid stretch of sleep. Being consistent with night time routine has seemed to help mine get a sense of when night/day was- but only after 6 weeksish.

• I have bought nice smelling products to have a shower with. Even if my body looks not like it did, I can treat it to nice stuff.

• I buy trashy mags to read whem I breastfeed (and don't feel guilty about the cost). Not everyones bag admittedly. Is there something you like that you can do while breastfeeding I find it helps.

• I've gone to lots of postnatal groups/breastfeeding support groups etc etc. Meeting other mums and sharing the pain has helped enormously.

• I have just joined weightwatchers but only because I've reached 2 months. I have heard you shouldn't think of it until this point in case you compromise milk supply. The only reason I joined was because I heard they did a points plan for women who are breastfeeding. I know the recommendation is to not diet at all until 6 months or so but I found this made me feel like I was taking control. To give you an idea of how much I am still eating I had:

B- grapes, blueberries, strawbs and natural yog, slice of toast and honey, decaf coffee

L- r.fat cheese, avocado, loads of salad in wholemeal wrap, forest fruits yoghurt

Snack- decaf cappacino, 2 squares dark choc, small slice lemon cake

D- chicken, tomato and veg sauce, couscous
Grapes

I don't know what else to put really other than it will get better, not all of a sudden but day by day. I think its good you are speaking to HV and docs and I really hope they are supportive and offer you good support. Take care and try and be kind to yourself. You are not crap, you're doing the very best you can and if your husband is lovely I'm sure he recognises this and is proud of you!!

I am from a big family, always wanted children thought I knew what it entailed and really strugled with my first. I would say it took about 3 weeks to get that overwhelmking, just run over by a train feeling of loving her. But when it came, it was the most amazing feeling in the world.

Force yo9urself to do a little bit more each day, and be proud of what you have achieved that day - getting you both presentable and making the dinner and feeding the 3 of you is a MASSIVE achievement in the early days. Getting cotton wool as planned at the shop is positively gold medal level!! It will get better. But make sure you see people every day, you go out of the house every day, even if only round the block, and give yourself some time 0 it will get better. And it's ok to resent this massive change

erm ... re exercise, I think you are really supposed to wait for 6 weeks aren't you? as in before you head off for a jog round the park, not going out for a gentle walk. I know post-natal exercise classes won't let you join until then anyway.

Please don't rush to diet or exercise - your body is still recovering from the birth and it will return to a shape you recognise and like, but that shouldn't be your priority right now. What matters now is getting to know your baby and having as much rest as possible - and getting some fresh air every day, even if just sitting in your garden!

oh and by the way, by her own admission, Liz Hurley did not allow herself to be seen in public until she had got rid of the post-baby excess. then ta-da!! celebrity appears looking like she has magically got her figure back overnight.

The books might say no expressing until 6 weeks but I started expressing from 2 weeks with my second child. I just made sure he only got the bottle once every couple days to avoid breast rejection and it was fine.