I feel like a crap mother

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've craved a child since I can remember. I used to be a nursery nurse, then a primary school teacher. I always saw myself as a very maternal person. 2 weeks ago I finally gave birth to my first child. But now I'm thinking "what have I done?"

I think I've ruined our lives (the baby, DH and me). Everyday I burst into tears. The sound of my baby crying feels like a cheese grater across my brain. I love her dearly and feel so guilty for not enjoying motherhood. I always thought I would be good at this, or at least satisfactorily competent.

I'm scared of my child. I'm scared of being left alone with her. What if something bad happens to her? What if she starts crying and nothing will stop her?

Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood? This is what I craved more than anything in the world. I have everything I ever wanted, and yet I feel so scared.

I know I should "grow up". I just can't seem to lift this cloud.

I hear so many new mums say "I love being a mother. It has came naturally to me".

What does that even mean? "Comes naturally"??

Well I don't think it has came naturally to me. I think I've made a big mistake, and my poor innocent little girl and my husband deserves so much better.

Why did no one tell me it would be this way? Am I that naive?

I think that two weeks old is too soon to suggest postnatal depression. It is normal to feel like this in the very early days and this is known as the baby blues. Postnatal depression is diagnosed if you still feel wretched at 6 weeks.

Have you had the primary visit from your health visitor yet? I agree with the other posters that it is worth talking to her about how you feel.

Thanks everyone. It's good to know that I'm not a psycho.

I've turned into a bitch though Today I managed to get through the day without bursting into tears. My mum and I took the pram on public transport to the town during rush hour. This was a huge achievement for me (sounds pathetic I know).

When I got home I felt acomplished (I had previously been so scared about taking the pram out). Then my husband came home from work and all was well. It was his first day back at work today and he really missed the baby and me. He cooked dinner whilst I fed the baby (900th time today). When she had finished feeding I put her in her moses and he served dinner. Just as I took my first bite the baby started crying again. I went through the usual mental checklist:

hungry?
dirty nappy?
cold?
hot?
cuddles?

I had no idea why she was crying and that's when it happened - I burst into tears. So I had totally fucked up my clean record. I was determined to get through one single day without crying. But no, it wasn't to be. I've fucked up the day now. For the next few hours I picked arguments with DH. I told him I was sorry that I had fucked up all our lives, that I understand if he wants to put more hours in at the office so he doesn't have to come home to this, that I'm sorry mothering didn't come natural to me, that I'm sorry I've fucked up the day and I'm sorry that parenting with me has turned out so crap.

Sonot only am I crap at this mothering job, I've added "being a complete bitch to DH" to the day.

When DS was little I felt quite detached from him. Probably didn't help that I had a difficult delivery and that for the first few weeks of his life he didn't sleep at night unless he was on my chest, but I remember saying to DH, in all seriousness that I had no idea why we had had a baby and that it would probably be a better idea to have him adopted as I was no good at looking after him.

It got better, little by little. I found if I was there he wanted feeding a lot, if someone else took him out for a hour or two I could sleep, or have a bath, or read a bit.

Having a baby is just completely unlike anything else. But it does get better. DS is now 6 and contrary to my outpourings to DH we did keep him

Cross posted with your other post - you are not a bitch. You are a new mother. And it does not make you any less of one if you have cried today. I cried some part of every day until DS was about 2 months old I think.

Babies should not be allowed to cry at mealtimes. It is very not fair.

sweetheart - random thoughts
you are not a crap mother - you are a new mother, it is so hard at first.

The taking baby to town thing sounds great, being a new mother does make all sorts of things hurdles, obstacles to be overcome. I sweated about going to the supermarket for the first few months. Got the hang of the car seat in the trolley thing, and then that stage was over and had to do it all differently again.

Two weeks in is such early days, it will not always be like this, your baby is so new, she probably has no idea why she is crying. Things will settle down, you will get the hang of her, she will get the hang of being out in the world, you will start to know why she is crying, but it is bound to take time.

Hugs

Oh my GOD I hate taking my children on public transport and they are 7 and 4! You've been really brave! And if crying makes you feel better, then cry - you aren't a deity, you don't have to be perfect.

There will be I don't know HOW many of us wanting to say that regarding getting the bus into town as a huge achievement is NOT pathetic, you know. Everything you have written has struck such a chord with me - I can remember bursting into tears with DD in my arms, a midwife sitting at my feet, and saying 'she deserves much more than this, a mummy who doesn't love her'. And I look back and realise that of course I loved her, I would hardly have been saying that if I didn't ... I did have PND, but it doesn't necessarily follow that you do, although I really would recommend making sure you do get asked the questions for it (I wasn't, but I was practically catatonic when my GP came to visit, which was kind of a giveaway).

I still have no idea how some people swan through the early days so serenely. I am still envious, and ashamed of the fact, of anyone who has a lovely 'babymoon' period with a warm milky little bundle in a basket, rather than a screaming bundle of implacable fury. But I do also have a 6yo who I adore, who is the best thing in my life, not the dreadful mistake I once thought she had been.

Oh, and when people say it gets better after 6 weeks, 12 weeks, 6 months - it's not as long as it seems. I was appalled when people said those kind of things, it seemed like an eternity.

Sometimes they do just cry, and they don't stop, and they make you want to carpet over them.

And it's enough to make anyone cry. Stop thrashing yourself. You're doing a good job.

No no nooooo!

You HAVE NOT fucked up your lives.

Really, honestly, you're not going to get through motherhood without weeping - there aren't medals for when you don't sweetheart and then dissolve into tears!

I would tell you how I nearly burst into tears at lunch if it would make you feel better but it wont so I won't!

You did VERY well going out today.

And you need to stop thinking you're crap. You're NOT

You fed her 900 times today, yes?

Well then you're fab. BF on demand

You're not a psycho at all.

You've had a baby and its damn.hard.work. On no sleep. On mental hormones that would be class A if they were street drugs because of the mind altering affect they can have.

Tomorrow is a new day. Don't set any challenges other than up and showered.

Maybe a bit of washing up?

Other than that.

Sofe. Biscuits. Tea. Baby on boob.

Might sounds like a rubbish day but try try try to not over do it soo soon emotionally and physically after giving birth

(again, what I did. Left me farked)

It takes me ages to go out with my new babies. Even with DC5 I wouldnt go out properly for a couple of weeks. I am a pretty laid back mum but in those early days I am really quite nervy/anxious.

YOu did brilliant to get out on public transport.

Well done.

In a few weeks you will look at your amazing incredible beautiful daughter and feel such a tug towards her. If it doesn't happen in a couple of weeks, DO NOT WORRY, it's totally normal.

One day soon though, you will feel an enormous wave of joy and contentment, pride, happiness and just utter love.

OP, I know exactly how you feel, I remember it painfully clearly.
It is awful, I won't pretend it's not, but it DOES get better, you will bond and believe me, in a few months all of this will be a distant, blurry haze.

I know this might not sound like too much of a comfort at the moment, but so many new mothers experience the feeling you're having now.. the difference is that most of them don't ever tell anyone.

What might help is having decent food in the house so you don't have to worry about going to the shops. Do an internet shop and make sure you have lovely things in that are quick to prepare.

HTH

Also www.cookfood.net/ are lovely!

My DS is 4 weeks on Wed, and although it sounds like I'm in a much easier state than you are at the moment, I really do understand how you feel -- it's so much harder than you would have thought possible. Especially breastfeeding. You can start expressing from whenever if you really need to. I had to express from day 1 with my newborn because he had such trouble latching on; we fed him colostrum from a syringe. Eventually he has sort of got the hang of feeding, but my nipples feel grated IYKWIM so we occasionally express a bottle to give me a bit of relief. We use Yoomii bottles which are very breast shaped, and so far touch wood he hasn't got nipple confusion. We're still both pretty crap at feeding though. You are NOT alone.

Oh my god, OP, when mine were 2 weeks old I didn't get dressed till about 3pm in the afternoon. In fact I think they were about 2 MONTHS old and I was STILL in my nightie at 3pm!

You sound like you are setting yourself too many targets and setting your standards far too high. When your baby is as young as yours, sling all your "targets" out the window and just concentrate on getting through the day. It is SOOOO hard and hellish with a newborn. "Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood?" you ask. Well, my dear, those first few weeks are not what motherhood is all about. I don't know a single mother who enjoyed those first few weeks. Not one. But we go on to have more babies because we know that it DOES get better and motherhood DOES become wonderful after a period (the length of which is variable because babies are variable in temperament!).

I can guarantee that if you talk this through with your HV you will feel a lot better. She will reassure you that you are normal and hopefully will be able to have a chat with you so that you can be properly assessed for post-natal depression. If it IS PND, then you will be glad you caught it early and it can be sorted. PLEASE talk about your feelings to your HV. If your HV is any use it'll be a great weight off your mind.

I remember how hard it is when your DH first goes back to work and you have sole responsibility. It is absolutely terrifying and you don't know if you're doing the right thing. When your DH is there you're learning together and you can ask each other "do you think she needs feeding? It can't be a dirty nappy can it because you just chnaged it 5 mins ago." And you just discuss your fears and concerns in a natural way with each other. When it's just you you've got those questions going round in your head and it can drive you a bit mad, I recall. With more time and more experience you will gain some confidence at your abilities I promise.

One last thing - what on earth were you doing going on public transport with a pram in rush hour?!?!??!? That's stressful for ANY mum, never mind one who is as knackered, sore and hormonal as the mum of a 2 week old! Like I say, don't push yourself too hard at this stage.

(((hugs)))

I'm in a similar place to you right now - you are not alone.

My little one is four weeks old now and much wanted (IVF). Yet towards the end of each day when he's still crying and still feeding there's a pretty good chance I'll burst into tears and wonder how I'm going to get through it. (I don't want to worry you, it does get better - it's a little easier than it was two weeks ago!)

I think it's tough because while I love breastfeeding, it means the baby tends to want milk whenever I have him, whereas he'll settle more easily with my husband. Plus he hasn't read the baby books and never goes more than two hours in the daytime without a feed (and often less than that). He doesn't sleep as much as the books say either! And while I feel good in the mornings (unless it's been a bad night), it's hard not to feel shattered by nightfall.

I try to look forward to milestones like his first smile and knowing that if I hang on, he'll soon start interacting with the world around him more and there will be lots of payback for all the time and love I've put in.

We'll get there.

I agree with so much that has already been written here - both my girls arrived early and were in NICU so, on one hand, I had time to get used to the idea of having a new baby as they were still in the hospital - but bringing them home (aged several weeks) was still so daunting. I remember the day the NICU staff said we could bring DD1 home the following day if I stayed in that night - the first thing I did was phone DP and interrupt him giving a lecture at work to 'check' if we actually wanted to being her home! She was over a month old by then so we had had time to get used to the idea and had been shown all the basics like how to care for her like nappy changes, bathing etc.

I just wanted to add a couple of things. Many people have suggested you talk with your Health Visitor about how you are feeling - this is a good idea. My advice is "they are used to new mothers crying". I cried many times with my HV, including at baby clinic where she would just whisk me and the baby off to a side room.

FWIW, I too am a teacher and am used to being in control, but still cry so easily when things seem to not be going calmly when my own girls are involved - week 3 of the summer holidays (for me from school and for DDs from pre-school and childminder) and I was crying on the phone to DP last week (he called me, not a big enough deal to interrupt important stuff!) when DD2 was sick on me! So it never actually gets easy, IMO, but it does get easier.

Before you know it, this stage will have passed - as does every stage (the good and the tough!)

The first few weeks are what put me having another child again. They are the most difficult, most stressful thing I have ever done in my life - and all those mothers you think are doing it perfectly? They're not.

You have just been thrown head first into the most complex, demanding, complicated job there is on this planet. Being a mother is hard.

It is okay to cry.
It is okay to be a bitch.
It is okay to think "What the fuck have I done?".
It is okay to hate everyone - including your baby.
It is okay to leave your baby to cry for a minute because you need a wee.

There will be plenty more time for you to enjoy motherhood. And you will. It honestly does get easier. You will get used to what her different cries mean, and it won't feel so "What the hell is wrong?!" all the time. You will get more sleep because she won't be feeding all bloody day. You will get used to eating reheated meals

I found it much less stressful when DS started smiling; when I was getting something back. That sounds very selfish, but its true. Until then, as much as I loved him, he was this thing that I put on my breast, cleaned and clothed, and I had a one way relationship with. When he started communicating back, suddenly it wasn't such a chore.

You're doing fantastically. Be kind to yourself; have a hot cup of tea in a different room whilst your DH changes her. Have a looooong bubble bath whilst she is asleep.

But please speak to someone. Your HV or your GP, whichever you trust more. But speak to someone.

You take care of yourself, okay? And keep talking on here if it is helping.

If there were a FB style 'like button' on MN posts, I'd click on Sir Boob's

To everyone who has felt the way I do - how did your DH's cope with it?

I can't believe my DH goes to work all day and then comes home to me in this state. It's enough to tempt him into adultry!

I remember about 2 weeks after my first child was born and saying to my DH, "what have we done"....I was knackered, BF'ing which hurt like hell (i cried every time she latched on), was in my nightie till about 4pm every day, was scared to go out on my own with her. The first time we went out I remember crying in the street cos I couldn't feed her outside (in a shops bf'ing room) and I just had to get home to do it. A friend came round who had a 6 month old and I remember saying to her "how do you actually get out of the house"...she told me it would get better and it really will...I promise...take all the help you can get, sleep when you can, relax when you can. Soon she will be looking at you and recognising you and you may even get a smile.

You are not a psycho, you are completely normal, it is a MASSIVE shock to the system but I promise you will get there.

Oh, honey honey honey! This is so normal, so totally normal. I went through it when DS was born. He cired all the time, and it felt like he was never going to get over it, and I couldn't imagine that I'd ever be able to take him anywhere or have time to do anything. I remember weeping because I didn't have time to clip my toenails...

Now it feels like I've barely blinked and he just had his third birthday. I can't imagine my life without him in it. They get older and things get better, I swear to you! I remember that "what have I done?!?!" feeling so clearly though, and it's awful. Talk to your doctor, and if he/she doesn't listen, find someone who will.

Hugs!

Oh, my DH was a bit but pretty supportive. Things sorted themselves out in a few months and everything was just fine.

i think you are expecting too much of yourself,for the next 2 weeks, dont go out, unless you want to. sleep when baby sleeps, do minimal house work and make sure that you eat 3 meals a day. As long as baby is clean and fed and you are rested and nourished nothing else matters. take every bit of help you can, if visitors call to see baby, ask them to watch her whilst you have a bath or nip to shops. tesco online for groceries. talk to your health visitor in case it is pnd but i think that you sound like lots of new mums. It will get better xxx

Ok, no surprises here but I felt exactly as you do, and for what it's worth it took me 3 months to fall in love with dd1 (& dd2 aswell, so it's not just a first child thing). You sound like an extremely confident, competant woman who is used to being in control & being good at things. I'm that kind of woman too, but I'm afraid parenting isn't that kind of job. It a crazy whirl of fabulous experiences, utter drudgery, and completely unexpected surprises (good & bad). My advice would be to roll with it. If you feel like you can't get out of your pjs stay in them. Order takeaway, don't Hoover (it'll only wake the baby ). It honestly honestly will only be for a few weeks - we really are telling the truth on that one! By the time dd1 was 6 months we were trying fora second - that's a whole other branch of madness!

On the subject of you dh, if he's a sensible, loving partner he will realise (as mine did) that at the moment he has it a bit easier than you because he's not on duty 24/7 the way you are, particularly as you are bf. He know's he has to take it on the chin a bit. Make sure he does loads for the baby, it will help him bond & stop you feeling resentful of him.

You have done brilliantly! I have no idea how old my kids were before we took public transport.

Do try to get sunshine and fresh air everyday, and getting out for a walk early might help you feel better. (An achievement to start the day, it really doesn't matter what state the house is in.)

Make sure you are eating regularly (a 4 hour schedule for you too), as low blood sugar makes it harder. Get some sleep when she sleeps.

Your hormones are all over the place, like the worst of PMT and teenagerdom rolled into one. You will find yourself crying at the simplest things, including cartoons (Tom and Jerry the weepy). It is normal.

As for your DH,it is tough for him, hopefully he has some friends/colleagues with kids, and they will swap nightmare wives stories. My DH is hopeless at me being emotional, but when I am blubbing down the phone at him he is a real rock.

It does get easier. It is just not as easy as you might hope for. BTW when I've just had a baby, put me in a dark warm place and I go to sleep (this includes Church and the prayers).

Finally do get away from baby, if only for a 5 minute walk around the block while DH holds her (she really can wait that long for a feed).

You are doing well!

So much illusory non-sense about motherhood is fed to women. I heartily wish the truth about birthing and all relatedd issues was really given space. Just because we are born with the biological equipment to reproduce, does not mean we are bound to do so,there are other ways for women to be creative other than this.
However, this was something I learned and thought about after birthing five children, all of the births were different. Mothering is a huge undertaking, something else of which the ramifications are not given air until after the event. Giving birth does not necessarily feed relevant emotional longings, which women are, I believe force fed with. Please lets cease the romantic illusions on childbearing,and then maybe we can remove the agony's of feeling failures-- there are no maddonas here|!