I feel like a crap mother

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've craved a child since I can remember. I used to be a nursery nurse, then a primary school teacher. I always saw myself as a very maternal person. 2 weeks ago I finally gave birth to my first child. But now I'm thinking "what have I done?"

I think I've ruined our lives (the baby, DH and me). Everyday I burst into tears. The sound of my baby crying feels like a cheese grater across my brain. I love her dearly and feel so guilty for not enjoying motherhood. I always thought I would be good at this, or at least satisfactorily competent.

I'm scared of my child. I'm scared of being left alone with her. What if something bad happens to her? What if she starts crying and nothing will stop her?

Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood? This is what I craved more than anything in the world. I have everything I ever wanted, and yet I feel so scared.

I know I should "grow up". I just can't seem to lift this cloud.

I hear so many new mums say "I love being a mother. It has came naturally to me".

What does that even mean? "Comes naturally"??

Well I don't think it has came naturally to me. I think I've made a big mistake, and my poor innocent little girl and my husband deserves so much better.

Why did no one tell me it would be this way? Am I that naive?

Oh hun I am so sorry you're having such a bad time. You have NOT fucked up your lives; you've created a whole new person, that can't be fucking anything up. I lurk mostly but just had to reply to you as I could have written this 5 years ago. Does this sound familiar:

• I feel anxious when she's asleep cos I don't know what to do when she wakes up
• When DH leaves for work I cry about what I am going to do for the next 10 hours
• noone told me it would be like this
• all she does is eat!
• I must be a failure at this I mean, I could do x job really well why can't I look after a tiny baby
• I am going through the motions of caring for her.....cos I have to not cos I want to
• I'm so so so scared
• there's a voice at the back of my head that's whispering PND......I can't have that though that happens to other people doesn't it....

That was me; I had an emergency c/s with DD1 and and felt like I'd failed from the word go becuase I couldn't even give birth "properly" which I know is not the case I didn't fail.....and DD1 was poorly for 6 days too.

When I had DD2 the HV retrospectively diagnosed PND for DD1 - I told her how I sat begging the midwife to take her away for a few days and all she did was pat my leg and say "it's baby blues" and discharge me. Now I am not for a minute suggesting you have PND but I would consider speaking to your HV or GP if you continue to feel this down.

Your comment about going into town so rings true; I remember getting on a bus one day (couldn't drive due to c/s and live middle of nowhere) and went into town, had a coffee and sandwich and came home and I honestly felt like a cloud had lifted - she was about 4 or 5 weeks. If I could do that I couldn't be a failure could I??

BIt of time to yourself in the evening would make the world of difference. DH used to take DD1 off to another room or out in the pram or anywhere where I couldn't hear if she started to cry as that made me have a panic attack....he's run me a bath and leave some chocolate and a book next to it and a towel on the bed. When DD needed a feed he'd bring her up then take her away again. It was my highpoint of my day.

Being a mum is hard hard hard work, it's lonely and thankless and soul-destroying at times. It DOES DOES DOES get better and easier; your DD will start to interact with you more, she'll smile, you'll feel like you're getting something back and then bam! You'll be head over heels with her.

My DD1 is off to school in September; she's a funny clever beautiful little girl and has had no ill effects of those early days. I will tell her one day how it was but only if she finds herself in the same position; what I wouldn't have given for someone to tell me....
Sorry to have gone on but I really hope this helps and you feel better soon

xxx

You have all the amazing advice, it is so true that it will get easier in the next few weeks, but I just wanted to be all un-MN and send you a cwtch.

I also advise you get hooked on something undemanding on TV so you can cwtch up on sofa and relax. Or some rubbishy reading if that's what you enjoy.

Make sure DP/your mum bring nice easily prepared food and snacks, drink plenty, have treats you enjoy.

Let your mum take the baby for a walk while you have a shower, everyone will benefit.

I'll be sending blessings your way today.

Thanks everyone.

How do you ask your mum/DH to do things without feeling guilty? Afterall DH is the one who goes out to work so I feel awkward asking him to do anything He's often said that he would swap places with me in a heartbeat which doesn't help matters. It makes me feel even more pathetic.

Just say it - the relief of not having to do everything outweighs the guilt.

Just say "Will you cook tonight please? breastfeeding is exhausting me."

Your DH only says he would swap in a heartbeat because he loves his daughter so much. That does not mean your job is easier, I absolutely guarantee thAT IT is not!

STOP trying to keep the house as beautiful as it was before the baby came.... it never ever will look like an adult home again so just let go of that.

have take away or ready meals with bread and salad if you are too tired or cannot be bothered to cook. It's fine.

you are tired and worn out because you aren't accepting your best as good enough. You do not have to be perfect, not by a long shot.

I tried to do it with Ds1 and I exhausted myself. I haemorrhaged. With Ds2 I filled my freezer with oven stuff, my fridge with tasty sandwich fillings and salad, and I parked my arse for 3 weeks. It did me a lot of good and you need to do it. Dinner, currently, is something you can put in your mouth. It doesn't matter if it's bread and butter and an apple.

I'm worried about driving my DH into the arms of one of the skinny bitches at his work. Not only am I acting like an unstable, unmaternal bitch at the moment, but I'm also HIDEOUS. I used to be a size 8 with a toned body, perfect nails, well-maintained hair. I was better looking than any of his work collegues. Now I'm absolutely disgusting I had to try on size 16 tops yesterday. I've NEVER had to do that before. I am now mentally and physically repulsive. I've read that you should not go on a diet whilst breastfeeding as it can interfere with milk supply - but what else can I do? I hate myself. I can't sit around and not do anything about it.

I have no idea what keeps DH with me.

I've just started CRYING again. Baby is in her moses, she's not even making much noise and yet I'm crying.

What a "catch" I am. If DH were to get rid of me, no other man would even look at me. I've ruined myself. Why does no one ever say that having a baby will completely ruin your physical appearence and soul.

FUCK the Pampers adverts and Hallmark cards.

colditz - I think DH resents me not working. I assume he thinks I've got it easy. I'm also not domestic (can't cook, barely clean).

There is no reason what so ever that your husband would leave his child and the mother of his child to hook up with someone just because they are thin. That's not rational.

You cannot work, you have a 2 week old baby, a choice he made with you. One of you has to care for her and you have the feeding equipment built in. If he is making snide comments about you not working, tell him to start lactating.

You cannot diet while you have a 2 week old baby, it will be detrimental to your well being and therefore your baby's well being.

Focus on good nutrition if you must but do NOTHING until you have breastfeeding established.

Everyone on this thread is telling you how normal your feelings and reactions are. You are the only person who thinks you are getting it wrong.

Your husband needs to be physically helping you. If he isn't already, you need to tell him to. His job is not as important as you are and he is quite capable of putting in another couple of hours at home cooking or cleaning on top of his job and I promise you he still will not be as exhausted as you are.

Honestly, you can tell us because we don't know you - is your husband saying that you have it easy? Is he moaning about the house? Is he moaning because you had a baby 2 weeks ago and aren't in your best ever physical shape?

because you seem desperate to try to please him - why is that?

Oh you are having a bad day, aren't you? I PROMISE it won't be like this forever. I too wore a size 16 (or was it an 18??) after having my first and stood on the scales and howled and howled and thought I'd ruined myself etc etc. But you know what, everybody (bar that daft bitch Gisele Bunchen) is a bit fat after having a baby, yet we all return pretty much to normal after a while. You had a baby TWO WEEKS ago - that's absolutely nothing! Your body will settle down. I've never worn a size 16 or 18 since (I'm a size 12 after three kids). You don't need to do anything yet. You will lose lots of water and you will shrink (honestly!)
Don't assume stuff about your husband. And please, please talk to your HV or GP. You might have PND, which is nobody's fault. Give yourself a break. This is a very, very hard time, especially if you had (as we do) romantic notions about motherhood. It is hard work. Please give yourself a break. Call a friend, join a baby group of some kind (it can be soothing to be with other fat mummies, breastfeed in company and eat cake), go for a little walk to a cafe and read a magazine.

You poor love, you sound so down

Have a cuddle (())

Right. Your baby is TWO WEEKS OLD. No-one is expecting you or your life to be exactly as you were pre-baby. You are being so very hard on yourself and there really is no need.

Is your husband putting pressure on you or are you putting pressure on yourself? You seem very fixated on him buggering off - what sort of man would do that? Do you really think he would or is it the hormones talking?

What you are going throughYou almost seem like you are in shock. Give yourself a break, take a holiday from the housework, don't worry about your hair and nails.

God, when mine were 2 weeks old if I'd had a shower by lunch time I thought I was doing well. My house was a shithole. I had a horrible podgy stretch marked stomach. My husband would come home from work via the chippy so we could have a hot meal. All TOTALLY TOTALLY NORMAL, if not an ideal way to live long term. But when you have a brand new baby it's fine. It won't last long.

You need to step back and think rationally about everything for a second.

If a friend of yours said to you, "I hate how fat I am at the moment, the house is a bit of a mess, I should be at work, and I'm sure DH wants to be with one of the girls at work..." - would you say to her, "God you're so right!", or would you say, "For Christs sakes woman, you had a baby two weeks ago!"?

Two weeks is nothing. And chuck, it takes up to 18 months to loose your baby weight. Right now, eat whatever the hell you want, because you need the energy. You won't be back in your size eights straight away! And your boobs will be massive right now, so a size sixteen top is reasonable.

You haven't ruined yourself, you've had a baby.

Can you call your GP? I think you need to speak to someone pretty quickly.

I have to say, I had hours and days when I felt exactly like the OP, and I didn't have PND. I'm not saying she doesn't, and it would be good for her to talk to someone, but I found just getting out and spending time with other people was really, really helpful. Joining an NCT tea group was a complete lifesaver. There were other baggy, sleep deprived mums there and I felt normal. Also, just being out in the sun, having a coffee made me feel as if I was a human being again, albeit a fat, leaky one!

I remember crying down the phone to my husband that I was a complete failure as a mother because the baby was crying. God, it's all coming back!

colditz - not just because they are thin but also because they are probably significantly more cheery than I am. A cheery person is much more attractive than a miserable self-pittying one. And in a work environment everyone is acting in a dynamic fashion, showing their best sides. It's no wonder most affairs occur in the work place. And who is left to flirt with me and make DH jealous - the cat?? DH has nothing to worry about. I have everything to worry about.

Re: my diet. I've decided to eat cereal for breakfast and again for lunch then a proper meal for dinner. Do you think that will be ok for breastfeeding? I CANT allow myself to get anymore disgusting. I just can't. At least I can control my diet and that can give me a feeling of achievement. I have no control over much else at the moment.

My husband does help out. When he gets home from work he makes the dinner. He stayed up with the baby until 12.30am last night so I could get some sleep. But most of that time I spent lying awake scared for when the baby starts crying again. I'm finding it really difficult to sleep. In my drama whore state last night I said "what's the point in trying to sleep. I will just start to dose off and she'll need feeding again. There's no point". It sounds like an overreaction but there's some truth in it.

DH doesn't moan that much - only in reply to my drama.

"because you seem desperate to try to please him - why is that?"

It's more like I am desperate not to displease him. I don't want him thinking that home is a terrible place to be. I don't want him regretting marrying me and I don't want him feeling resentful that he's now glued to me via the baby.

I've just phoned the HV. She's going to visit between 1 and 3. She told me to phone her when I feel like this but I have no idea what she can do to help.

ColdComfortFarm - my uterus has already shrank down (aided by breastfeeding) and yet I look so disgusting. It feels like pure fat. I no longer have a waist. I can't wear a belt. I can't wear a dress anymore (I used to LIVE in dresses, they made me feel womanly, they were my trademark) because my huge thighs rub together when I walk and it hurts.

I now wear jeans and a shirt. I feel masculine and rough. The complete opposite of who I am inside. The complete opposite of the woman DH married.

"You seem very fixated on him buggering off - what sort of man would do that? Do you really think he would or is it the hormones talking?"

to be honest TigerFeet my dad left my mother. He cheated with a work collegue. I know it's pathetic to assume that my DH will do the same but I can't help myself. It happened when I was 12 and I've never understood why he did it (he's dead now). The media suggests to us that men are not as family-orientated as women so perhaps men find it easier to leave a family behind? Especially if they want their (much more enjoyable) bachelour life back. And let's face it, who wouldn't want that life back at the moment?

I'm glad you've called the HV

She may not be of any immediate assistance other than to keep an eye on you and suggest a visit to the GP if necessary. However I think it would be really good for you to talk to someone in RL about how you're feeling.

Your dh sounds lovely. Why on earth would he look elsewhere or expect any more of you?Your baby is so new, so obviously you haven't been feeling like this for long, and haven't been unhappy long enough to drive hm away. He isn't going to bugger off after a couple of weeks is he? If he is a decent man he won't bugger off at all. He will understand what an upheaval this is for you and will give you the time you need to recover. I bet you any money you like that he's going to work and telling all the size 8 lovelies what a great job you are doing and how happy he is with his newly expanded family.

It will take time for you to start feeling better but you WILL, I promise. For me, with dd1 it took medication and with dd2 it simply took a month or so of letting things go for a while.

You need to eat more than that. You need 2000 cals to break even plus an extra 500 to cover the breastfeeding. If you don't eat enough you run a serious risk of getting run down and feeling much worse. Eat healthly by all means, but be sensible. Loads of low GI food could be the way to go. Jacket potatoes and salad, wholemeal pasta, brown rice, bran flakes or porridge for breakfast.

I hope your HV visit goes well.

Oh dear! Okay, from my experience, not any professional qualifications...but when you have a baby all kinds of child hood stuff comes pouring back out. For me I would hear my mother's voice (by then she was 6 years dead). A friend of mine had PND but what helped most was getting some counselling about issues that had happened with her parents.

Something about the rawness of having a baby makes all this stuff just come flooding back from where its been nicely repressed.

Do talk to your HV about how you feel, and why you are so worried about how you look. Do not diet! It will just make the baby cry more, you feel worse (low blood sugar) and generally make you feel like more of a failure. Try to eat healthily, so lots of fruit and vegetables, to snack on rather than the usual biscuits that the rest of us stuff our faces with.

Do talk to your DH about how you feel, and why (so he doesn't just feel insulted that you think he's the kind of man to run off after the first thing in a skirt).

Does your DH want his bachelor life back? I know my DH wouldn't, even though it would be a lot tidier.

Most people do not look like the WAGS two weeks after having a baby. When a film star dares to look vaguely normal (Kate Winslet) they get slagged off in the media. But I would also doubt most of those in the media manage to successfully breast feed.

You have just undertaken one of the real passages of life, the reason why the old wedding vows are: "for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health". We all get sick, we do not always look like a model, we are not always in control. The love of a DP helps a lot in the bad times. That is what marriage is for. Just as I am sure you would not dump your DH just because he had an accident or was sick for a long time; I am sure he is not looking for an escape now just because you are hormonal, sleep deprived and have put on a bit of weight.

Oh gosh sorry, x posted with you.
It makes a lot more sense now.
Your dh is NOT your dad.
You MUST try and bear in mind that your dh is willing to stick around because he loves you and your baby, even if everyone is tired and irritable at the moment and even if you aren't a svelte size 8.

Did you realise that lot of people hate the baby stage? It isn't something that is admitted to as people feel (unneccessarily) guilty abut it. We feel compelled, particularly as mothers, to be madly in love with our children from day one and for an awful lot of people it simply doesn't happen that way. It took me a fair while to properly fall in love with dd1 for instance, probably about 6 months if I am being honest. With dd2 is was much easier as I knew what to expect and was more mentally prepared.

In our house it is dh that couldn't cope very well with the baby stage. He got cross and upset when they cried. He didn't leave for the batchelor life though, he stuck around becayse he loves us and now the baby is older he is coping far better. He loves being a dad but isn't so hot with newborns. It doesn't mean he wants to leave or regrets us having our children.

Have you spoken to your dh about how you feel? I think it would help a lot if you admitted all this to him, you wouldn't be bottling it up and he may well be able to help put your mind at rest.

"Your dh sounds lovely. Why on earth would he look elsewhere or expect any more of you?"

Because as you said "he's lovely". I used to be lovely but I'm not anymore. I'm a bitch to be around. DH has not cried ONCE, not even once. This parenting business seems like a breeze for him. Perhaps because he had a child 16 years ago so has experience? I can't help but fear that his ex did a much better job than me because she had 2 kids prior to having his. Thus making me look EVEN WORSE.

I'll take medication if I need to. The earliest doctors appointment I could get is for next Tuesday.

Oh and re dh - did I want to leave him because he was struggling with parenting a newborn? (as you feel your dh may feel about you) No. I love him and I knew it'd pass. He pisses me off in so many ways () but we aren't going to separate or have flings because having a baby is causing such upheaval.

Tweedledee thank you for posting this. I am scared that I will suffer PND and baby blues as have frequently suffered depression. I've realised that I need to be prepared with support from my DH, mum, PIL etc, and not to expect it to be easy. (DC1 due end November).

Also, look at Weight Watchers online, they do a plan for BFing mums to ensure that you are eating a healthy diet with enough calcium and protein etc. Also, you can do it online so don't have to go to meetings every week. This way you'll know you'll be eating healthily and providing enough calories and nutrients for both you and your baby.

Please talk to your GP/MW/HV. My heart goes out to you.

Crying a lot doesn't make you a bitch. Struggling with a newborn doesn't make you a bitch. You're not being a bitch, you are being the very tired mum of a newborn baby.

Your dh isn't crying because

a) he isn't flooded with hormones (someone on here coined the term hormental which really made me smile )

b) he isn't directly involved in the constant parenting of a newborn baby in the way that you are as a breastfeeding mother

c) he has done it before and knows what to expect

You're not doing a bad job, you are stuggling but you are doing a fantastic thing, breastfeeding a demanding baby. That is HARD WORK and you are allowed to find it difficult. An awful lot of mums (including dh's ex I don't doubt) find it difficult.

Be aware that if you are prescibed antidepressants your GP may well tell you that you will have to stop breastfeeding. Which obviously is fine if you want to stop, but if you want to continue then take note that many GP's know very little about medication whilst breastfeeding and there are AD's that are safe to take.

You can also ask for an emergency appt if you don't want to wait - your HV may well help you with this.

"I'm a bitch to be around. DH has not cried ONCE, not even once. This parenting business seems like a breeze for him."
He hasn't cried because he hasn't given birth! He does not have the mad hormones racing around his body you do.

Do talk to him, you may find his ex wasn't as amazing as you think.