I feel like a crap mother

[FeelLikeTweedleDee]

I've craved a child since I can remember. I used to be a nursery nurse, then a primary school teacher. I always saw myself as a very maternal person. 2 weeks ago I finally gave birth to my first child. But now I'm thinking "what have I done?"

I think I've ruined our lives (the baby, DH and me). Everyday I burst into tears. The sound of my baby crying feels like a cheese grater across my brain. I love her dearly and feel so guilty for not enjoying motherhood. I always thought I would be good at this, or at least satisfactorily competent.

I'm scared of my child. I'm scared of being left alone with her. What if something bad happens to her? What if she starts crying and nothing will stop her?

Why the hell aren't I enjoying motherhood? This is what I craved more than anything in the world. I have everything I ever wanted, and yet I feel so scared.

I know I should "grow up". I just can't seem to lift this cloud.

I hear so many new mums say "I love being a mother. It has came naturally to me".

What does that even mean? "Comes naturally"??

Well I don't think it has came naturally to me. I think I've made a big mistake, and my poor innocent little girl and my husband deserves so much better.

Why did no one tell me it would be this way? Am I that naive?

Just skimmed the thread but wanted to say to the OP it's been two weeks! Give yourself a break woman. You've just been through one of the most physically traumatic things anyone can go though, you are now going through one of the most mentally and physically exhausting things people can go through. Honestly what you are feeling is normal. The first 6 weeks with a baby are mostly hell. It's your punishment for 20 odd years of selfishness

Seriously, I am sure I am not the only mother to have thought 'what the fuck have I done? Can I send the baby back?'

For the first 2 weeks I didn't want to hold DD because I couldn't bear the thought of her wanting to feed from my cracked nipples! It was awful.

Please stop worrying about your body, it takes a bit of time. Think how long you have been pregnant for, you body needs time to recover. No, it might not go back to the way it was, but it will evolve and your DH will love your body because it represents you nurturing his child. Please try not to feel crap, try and get a break, it will make a world of difference.

How are you doing today, OP?

Was just wondering that myself - hope you are ok, OP.

I've just read this - sorry, am not on MN much these days.

I could have written your post nine years ago. 'The realisation that for years I'll never have time to myself, never have 8 hours unbroken sleep, never be able to pop into town on my own without needing someones assistance - this makes me mourn my old life'...I just wish Colditz had been around to talk sense into me.

You have to get through this bit. Grit your teeth. It will go. Stop thinking you 'ought' to feel anything. With the last scraps of exhausted sanity remaining, remember it is ONLY TWO WEEKS. At two weeks I contemplated my huge body and thought I would NEVER EVER EVERY fit my jeans again.

It will seem like an eternity if I say 'one day you will have a lovely competent chatty person in your life that you love and who dresses themselves and feeds themselves and tells you jokes' but, for most of us, that is what happens. I have two self-reliant lovely children currently playing in the room next door. And I am 47, and yes I'm knackered but that's because I need a holiday...I'm going to sleep through the night, the unbroken night, and I weigh what I did when I first got pregnant. Hang on, sweetie. It will happen.