Is it really that hard having children?

[Enid]

So I have days when I am knackered, fed up, cross or tearful. But I wouldn't say it is overwhelmingly hard having children. I work part time, have two dds (5.5. & 2.5) and most of the time it is, well, I'd never call it easy, but its not what I would call hard either.

Now I am lucky. I have pretty well behaved, NT kids and a husband who gets home at 6pm most nights (not that he is particularly hands on).

I was surprised at all the negative choices on the 'choose one word to describe being a mummy' thread. Is it really that hard? Especially when you think of what a short time in your life this will be?

how interesting www
I always assumed good job, money and friends would make things easy even if the marriage was unhappy. From what you say it seems the happy partnership is really the key.

totally agree www...
our neighbour has 4 -aged 4 and under, we have 2 with a 3 year gap bewteen them..
But neighbour has enormous support (mother and mothers help) plus her kids are very compliant (very quiet too!)
Ours, however, are loud, energetic, highly tantrum prone, and much harder work to 'manage' - and we have no help.
So for us it is no doddle.

Also depends on the type of person that you are I think... I am a rather highly strung individual, so being chilled around kids is not exactly my norm!

House is a b***y mess, nearly cracked up a few months ago because of too much going on (part time job, helping at dd1's nursery, plus trying to look after house/kids rest of time) but I think it's all about how you feel about what happens to you. some people seem to have misfortune upon misfortune heaped upon them yet appear terribly cheerful. Agree it's not just about money, though that is what many couples end up disagreeing over. It can feel overwhelming at times when children are small because you (ie mothers/main caregivers) tend to put themselves at the bottom of a v long list of things to look after.

I think a lot of it depends on how much backup you have. A suprising number of people turn out to have family support.

I have to say that I found the first six months of both my children's lives quite unbearable. I feel very guilty for admitting this, but I did; and the near-umbilical tie to my children made it even worse, because even if I had been able to get away from them physically (DP and I have no family backup) I couldn't have done so emotionally.

Even now, I find the relentless demands of children very hard to cope with with equanimity.

As I said on the other thread, I love my children but I don't always love 'being a mum'. Huge chunks of my life - the bits that involved going out in the evening, any culture whatsoever - have vanished. A work/life balance that enables me to be quite near my children and pick them up at 5.20 every day also means that I see very few adults at all.

Worst of all, I think, is the constant awareness that I'm not a very good mother. And I'm sure I'm not alone in this.

Definately, what makes it seem soooo hard is the relentlessness, the fact that it can be so difficult to get any 'time off', that all you can see, stretching into the future, is never getting a lie-in, or time to yourselves etc etc, Plus most of us feel soooo much poorer than we were before children. and that our choices are reduced (can't pack up a job you hate, need to meet your responsibilities etc.)

I love my son dearly, but feel that life has been harder over the last 6 years.

Yes it's hard sometimes, but so is life, with or without kids.

IMO my life would be much harder without my ds.......

Enid, my word on the other thread was overwhelming.

It is. But I didn't say it was BAD overwhelming, or GOOD overwhelming - I find it both for different reasons!

Depends.

When I have had no sleep or no time even to myself, then yes it is, and it's even harder because you REALLY care about the job you are doing!

And there's no sickpay or holiday either.

But when it's great, it's the best job in the world.

Course I have a child with sn. But you can't order a 'perfect' kid- it's a risk you take and accept when you have a child.

For me the hardest thing is the sense of responsibility. After ds1 was born I had a sudden shock moment when it hit me that there was no going back and that this person was my responsibility for ever.

Now that ds1 is three and a half and ds2 one and a half I feel I have enough experience to cope and deal with most situations, and having watched enough parenting progs I feel like I am more in control than I was when ds1 was a baby.

But being SAHM mum means that I do have to willingly and happily put my own needs last, which I do because I'm just so grateful to have kids and I do realise, as I'm sure we all do, that sacrifices have to be made.

The tiredness, mess etc I can cope with, just about, by telling myself, as some wise person has previously said, that these things will not worry us on our deathbeds.

I find it hard,draining on every level,much as Ilove them. Compounded by the fact that dh often away,or I m often abroad with him (in isolated places)so spent huge chunks of time alone with them.
Also have ludicrously high standards-bedclothes all have to be ironed,food has to all come from 'proper' shops,not supermarkets,house has to be immaculate....
Foolish Iknow as it makes me so uptight for a lot of the time. At present,dh is home,and have just done a few weeks of etremely pleasant and non demanding freelance work and can't believe how nice life is.

I dunno
I can imagine worrying about the mess on My deathbed! moondog will prob pop up to iron the sheets

Having one is easy. Two is a bit harder. Three is totally knackering and any of you who have more than that, I take my hat off to you!!
Having said that, I wouldn't change my life now for anything - worth every broken night and grumpy morning!

I wonder if those of us who started later (I was 38) find it harder?

Enid - is it not just to do with your outlook. My friend has 3 under 5, works part time and I am in utter awe at how she does it, but she has an incredibly positive attitude so she just gets on with it. I am trying to learn to be more like that.....

It really annoys me when people say having one is easy.

agree, Northerner

ok - let me re-phrase

Having one was easy for me, in comparison to coping with the three I have now which I find totally relentless and knackering and I am permenantly tired which I wasn't when we only had ds1! Really wasn't meaning to annoy anyone.

Having one is easy

I'm JOKING! It used to annoy me too when people said that when I only had one but now, I really do get to see looknig after one vs looking after two because ds goes to his dad's every other weekend and so we are left with 1 toddler to 2 adults and yep, that's easy compared to normal and it's easy because we've got two normally and so it's bound to be! When you have one and it's your first if you find it tough (which I did), you find it tough, no amount of people telling you it's easy will make it so!

My friend with 3 says 'yeah, and I'd like to remind you that 2 is a piece of p*!'

I find it hard sometimes, despite the fact I only have one pretty well-behaved dd and a reasonably hands-on dh. I find the responsibility terrifying sometimes, and depression doesn't help, nor does the fact that I don't find being maternal and patient comes very naturally to me - so it's difficult even just keeping calm and reasonable! I sometimes find it boring, frustrating and annoying by turns. It can be a 24 hour a day job, and sometimes I long for a day off - or even just a coffee break. So yes, sometimes it feels incredibly hard.

But that said, I also feel incredibly privileged to be part of my dd's life and to be so pivotal in her growing up. I love her totally and unconditionally; I have made sacrifices in my personal life for her that I would never have made for anyone else and that I have never regretted and I would do anything for her.

I didn't realise how much of my SELF I would have to sacrifice.

My self-fulfillment from my career, intellectual challenges, a social life, sports, financial independence, travel, spending time on my own development - not to mention good looks and pert bosoms - all on the back burner for a good few years. That's hard for me, very hard.

While I willingly give myself up for my family, it isn't something that is easy or enjoyable for me.

Perhaps it's because people are finding it so difficult that they only have one. It is for me!

Often feel dismayed when I hear of couples breaking up during the first year of their child's life, as this is such a tricky time re: readjusting to someone "invading" your space that most of one's own feelings should be put on one side. for a bit. (sorry, overgeneralising, but do people really think it's going to be a piece of cake?)

Bundle, there was an article about this in The Times on Saturday.

I know we had all sorts of probs with our relationship after ds was born. Just about settled now tho'.

i put that life was challenging on the "one word" thread.
Because it is, every stage has been and now it is getting harder and more of a challenge.
I never had high expectations because i have never done this before, didnt know what to expect.
As a pretty laid back person what i find difficult is the instant that i can become angry/wound up/exhasperated by ds.
Out of the norm to me,i find it a challenge to keep my cool,to do the right thing and to be logical when under the surface i may be thinking 1000 different things.
I am grateful that there are the two of us as i feel that i could not do this alone, it really would be just too hard.
It very much depends on so many different factors for me.
The time of the month is a huge contributing factor to how i cope with things.
DH's work load is another.
Although not overwhelming, it is by far the most difficult thing i have ever done.
Im not a push over nor a weak personality, but ds makes me feel like that.

Agree with most of the posts - it depends on yourself. I know I have it easy compared to some - happy relationship, SAHM, don't have to worry about work or money, 2 gorgeous kids but I still find it hard some days. I just remind myself that some folk have it much harder in awful personal circumstances to remind myself how lucky I am.

The one thing that I would shout from the tree tops is

LACK OF SLEEP = HARD DAYS!!