Is it possible to be fulfilled as a SAHM

[Prufrock]

Without getting all "self-actualised" , is there anybody who does actively enjoy being a SAHM, and if so, how can I?

It's not that I'm unhappy. I recognise that I am very lucky to have been able to make the choice to stay at home with my kids, and wouldn't change that choice. Working would be horrendous given the pressures of the only type of job I would enjoy doing as I'm kind of an all or nothing type person. But I am finding it quite difficult to get any real pleasure from being with my children all day.

We have a fairly full routine - toddler groups, classes, play dates. And I have a good "mummy" friend locally whose company I like. But whilst our days are pleasant, I can't say I really enjoy them - more like endure them. It feels like every activity I do with the kids is just done to tick of another hour before bedtime, and every day is just got through so I can tick of another day until the weekend. Then the weekend arrives, and it's not actually that special, and soon enough it's the beginning of another week......

I feel like I am coping very well with life as a SAHM - but I don't want to be coping. I want to be waking up each morning looking forward to spending another day with my two wonderful children, who I do love to bits. But insteadI get woken up each morning and I think "Ok, 12 hours to go, lets start filling them".

Please tell me - well something. I'm not sure if I do want to hear that this is normal and tha all over the country there are other women feeling like me, counting down the hours until their children are grown. But I'm also not sure if I want to hear that there is something wrong with me....

Well precisely moondog - you're not fannying about at tumbletots either, so you can.

My happiest memories are of just buggering about the garden in an old pair of knickers and reading for hours. Mind you this was in the idyllic setting of a tropical island,sigh.......
Parents both worked so can't remember them doing any full on stuff with us,but we always had evening meals together and talked and talked and talked.

I have to prioritise the paper too ... DD eats her breakfast watching Noddy while her father and I share the paper. I'd shrivel up if I didn't do that every day.

Playpens are an essential piece of kit!!

Snap, moondog! Ds watches Noddy in the a.m. while I read yesterday's papers and make 'Oooh, yes darling, isn't Noddy funny?' noises.

I'm just trying to catch up . I'm actually sitting here with a pen (you confused me too bugsy - thought it was some reference to spending all day on PC) making notes so I don't miss any of the very many valid points.

I'm actually not that unhappy at the moment - in act I think that's part of the problem - all the little niggles I've had for the past year (no local friends, rented house, no sex) have been sorted out now, and yet I'm still not actually positively happy. Will be back with a v. long post later.

That's the way,snafu!
Recently confessed on MN that I have never watched one of dd's videos all the way though.

Prufrock, I spoke to a friend yesterday when I was down and she said 'lots of people would kill to have what you've got: a happy relationship and 2 lovely, happy, healthy children. And if you were nearly 40 and single and childless you'd be very upset about it so shut the f*ck up.' Well, she said words to that effect and it made me feel better actually, today's been Ok.

yes I did some of the time, spent 6 years as SAHM...but to be honest was only 25 and hadn't set up a career enough to miss what I wasn't doing anymore...at first I found it quite lonely and hard to adjust to having to look after 2 little people 24/7 and do housework!!! I had spent all of my working life with lots of people and suddenly was on my own, having to find things to do each day, rather than things being given to me and people chatting to me about taxing problems and not carrott puree and stuff...didn't start the toddler groups straight away and used to go for walks, play with ds and read to him....was quite shy then and didn't speak with other mothers too much.....always had things to do and made big thing out of the feeding, making all the purrees, having a table of food they eat/didn't and what colour their poo was afterwards...it made me feel like I was achieving something rather than gaa gaa goo goo all the time....date/time/ food description/ babies reaction to it and comments column...would try new foods all the time and felt a bit worky....but to answer your question honestly, yes I did enjoy being a SAHM but only when I could see other people in the same boat, caht with them and feel a part of something and feel like was doing something worthwhile...definetely helps if you have a dh/dp who is willing to get his hands covered in nappy poo so to speak...some people are homely stay at home types, some career types...I am ambitious but for my family more than for me, it's a very important job and never given the due it should be but all I would say is cherish every moment because when they are strapping teenagers shagging their way around the neighbourhood you'll wish them a bundle of milk smelling, baby cooingness...enjoy it if you can

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH at the thought of my strapping teenagers shagging their way around the neighbourhood....

Oh but they will MP.....

LOL www - have to admit that's pretty much what I said to myself this morning. It suddenly dawned on me that many of the single, carefree mates that I envy sometimes for their freedom, disposable income and ability to get absolutely hammered on a Friday night with no thought for the consequences are actually gagging to have at least some of what I've got. My best mate, for example, has all of the above but says she can sometimes barely hear herself think over the ticking of her biological clock and blatantly envies me ds.

It might be cold comfort at 5am when ds is full of the joys of spring, but, even so...

Nearly found myself saying "but you have such a great life, why would you want to spoil it all by having children" to a work colleague the other day. Managed to stop after the "great life" bit but was horrified that I had such an awful thought when I love my little munchkins so much.
It was one of those runaway thoughts that turn around and slap you - felt really ashamed.
Anyhow, moving off the point here.
Sorry about the "pen" confusion - I was struggling to think what they were called.

Note-making was swapped for ER and Question time I'm afraid.

I couldn't work. It just wouldn't work. Even if the awful working culture in this country changed so that part time work was an option I wouldn't be happy doing it. I wasn't happy when I went back after dd as I felt that I couldn't give my all to either role. Flexible working becoming more normal would help give a greater range of choices to parents, but for many of us it would still be a case of taking the least worse option (whoever said that was so right). I do truly envy people like emkana who are happy with the choice they have made - are you like that with everything? Because maybe for me it is just a case of never allowing myslef to actually be completely happy.

My Mum (well actually Stepmum) got me when I was 4, and I have long known that she resented me being around because it stopped her from having a child-fre period with my Dad. It's only recently that I've realised that her admission of resenting me doesn't actually mean she regretted taking me on, or loved me any the less -but I think it did leave me with a deep-rooted need for my children not to pick up on the fact that I don't like looking after them.

We have what I feel is a good mix of structure, getting out and just vegging. I am organised, and I do have "me time" from 8 every evening. I also have a pretty perfect dh who I know appreciates what I do. In fact, I am actually quite happy about my competence as a SAHM. But I was a competent waitress, and a competent door-to door saleswoman, and even at one time a competent cage dancer - none of them are careers I would want to return to (well, maybe the dancing ). Being good at something doesn't mean you enjoy it -in fact it makes me enjoy it even less because it's not really a challenge. I liked the idea of reading child psych books - being retentive I did actually get lots more validation during periods when I was trying to get my kids into decent routines, or having successes like a 6 hour sleep. But I fear that I may become far too competitive a mother. One of the reasons we moved out of London was that I knew that in the hothouse atmosphere of Central Londons private schools I would be there making sure I baked the most extravagent creations for the bake-sale and threw the best parties. So I do make a concious effort to not get too perfect or put too many expectations onto my kids - so maybe just transferring my need to achieve results into SAHMdom isnot a good thing.

Maybe I just have to accept that I have taken on a project that I don't particularly enjoy for the good of the organisation. Problem is, in my working life I wouldn't have done that - or if I did I would very quickly have delegated it on. Or maybe I just have to accept that it is not my lot to be fulfilled by my role as a mother - and that's OK, and ensure that I have plenty of other things in my life that do fulfill me so that my children do see me as a fulfilled person, and don't realise it's not them that is making it happen. I have my course -my long term exit stategy. I will soon have a fabulous new house to decorate, a garden to design and build and a vegetable patch to nurture. But I do find that the malaise and lack of motivation I feel during the day spills over into the evenings- I have to sort out all our CGT stuff before DH's options expire soon, which is the sort of thing I would usually relish, but it's been sitting on my to do list for months now. I suppose I jst need to give myself a huge kick up the backside, stop feeling sorry for myself and start doing something to make myself feel better. So tomorrow nobody talk to me (and thatincludes you www), until I've at least done 30 minutes exercise - ok?

I do know how lucky I am, and reading this I do feel sorry for those of you who are stuck with even less least worse options. But that doesn't make me feel better - it just makes me feel guilty that I still feel bad when really I should be happy. I've never been one to respond well to exhortions to "count my blessings". But in Mumsnet (unlike life) there is no heirarchy of suffering is there? And I'm glad that so many of you have found this discussion helpful - at least it proves that SAHMs still have the capacity for reasoned intelligent arguement

"Or maybe I just have to accept that it is not my lot to be fulfilled by my role as a mother - and that's OK, and ensure that I have plenty of other things in my life that do fulfill me so that my children do see me as a fulfilled person, and don't realise it's not them that is making it happen"

I think this is probably the key... an acceptance of the unfulfilment and an approach to feel fulfilled in your personal interests. It does NOT make you any less of a good mother. On the contrary, it helps you to remain an interesting person and highlights to your children that there are many interesting things to do with their time.

You have some great projects to get stuck into but I hear you on the problem of motivation. I think it is because small children (under 3s)are so needy and self-centered and that you have to drop everything you're doing to tend to them. Sometimes it is difficult to get motivated to start something you know you're not going to be able to finish in one straight swoop.

BTW - I know you say you're not a count your blessings type but try to think back to when you were working and socialising full time and probably didn't have quite as much time to devote to hobbies or home-based projects. And one day, when you return to full-time work, you'll have even less time to devote to these outside interests. Perhaps see your SAHM time as a time to develop other interests. I know it doesn't take away the feeling of counting down the hours to bedtime and each day merging into the next but perhaps you need to gradually change your mindset and 'just be' as someone as said. Easier said than done.

I have started to use a whiteboard to write down things I need to do and want to do with my week. (Partly since I am pregnant and my memory is shot to pieces) I have found it quite satisfying to be able to wipe things off it once I have completed them. And the items aren't all chores and errands and phonecalls - it includes fun stuff too. Plus it gives my DH a very visible idea of 'What I do all day' (roll eyes emotion here)

I have been thinking about this too - particularly the comments yesterday about being grateful for not being 40, single and desperate for a family.

It made me realise that although I don't feel personally 'fulfilled' in lots of ways, I do feel content, in that when I look at all the available options, I don't want to pick another one.

Ideally I think I'd like to be able to take 'sick days' and 'holidays' from being a mother, but that's not one of the available options!

I know I'm very lucky and I am very happy - but I think it's possible to recognise that and also recognise that my life also feels like a hamster-wheel a lot of the time, and my heart occasionally sinks when I wake up and know exactly everything that will happen at every point today ...

I must admit that when my daughter pooed herself with excitement yesterday at the thought of going to the soft-play place, I fleetingly thought "God I wish something that exciting would happen to me occasionally..."

I remember reading 'The Divine Secrets of the La La Sisterhood' and being taken in by the descriptions of the women having days out with their children at the lake, drinking gin and sunbathing all day ... I think a lot of people think that a lot of my child-free friends think that my life is like that!

(The author David Lodge once said, "Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way round...")

Sorry, thread too long to read it all. I just wanted to say that I wish I could be a SAHM. I consider myself lucky to have been able to take a year maternity leave with my dd. I am due to return to work in November and already I am dreading it. I love being able to spend all day with my dd and can't wait for the summer so that we can spend afternoons in the park. Maybe it's because it's still a novelty, maybe it's because my job is not all meetings and high heels.My job is bloody hard work, stressful, unsocial hours, no time to chat to colleages, no time for a coffee often, and OH GOD- night shifts! I have a differnt problem, I can probably afford to be a SAHM as my dh has a pretty well paid IT job. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to compromise on our standard of living and wants me to return to work (only part-time though). I think he is a bit jealous of my being able to stay at home and he has to earn the pennies, frankly.

Prufrock, your description of your life with perfect dp / new house etc. etc. does sound rather idyllic. Do you think you feel 'bored' because you don't have a 'challenge'? It's all too smooth? I'm asking this because I'm in the opposite situation, well apart from having a lovely dp. We're in a shite council flat in inner city London and we're broke! I sometimes think though that having these immediate day to day problems keeps us on our toes.

Probably a useless comment but nevertheless ...

I am so enjoying this thread! I think the collected wisdom on here should be gathered and made into essential reading for all mothers.

I've been thinking a lot about this thread. It's one of the most important & most interesting I've ever seen on MN. I love some of the comments (morningpaper lol!) but jokes aside, it would be awful if some mums felt guilty because the can't get into a baby/child frame of mind.

My ds is almost 21 months & a real little terror. He has constant temper tantrums, screams when I leave the room, screams when frustrated (most of the time), screams in public & throws anything that comes to hand. Sometimes I find myself crying in exhaustion & praying Please God, help me to cope! I see dh going off to work every day & resent him for it, especially when he comes home wanting dinner & to flop down. And then there are other days, when ds and I play together, are silly together, I tickle him to make him stop screaming & think of how precious these days are & how fortunate I am. This is getting ridiculously long but I think it's completely normal to be bored & frustrated as a mother of young children. It's bloody hard work! But in a normal lifetime, it's a relatively short period & does have so many joys & satisfactions. Even if you're dying to sit down with a book or newspaper in peace & quiet but never seem to be able to!

I've also been thinking about this thread a lot.
One of the reasons I am happy as a SAHM is that dh and I argue far far less these days than we did when I was working before the children. The reason is that it's all clear-cut now what my jobs are and what his jobs are, and we don't end up arguing every weekend over the cleaning of the bathroom or the kitchen or whatever. That was one of the main reasons for arguments before. I do all the usual domestic tasks - washing, cleaning, ironing etc., dh irons his own shirts, takes care of the garden, the car and financial stuff. I know it's very unfeminist of me to be contented with such an old-fashioned way of doing things, but I enjoy it that everything is so harmonious... the other thing is that weekends are completely free, no need to catch up with housework or shopping or other things, so we can just chill out and do nice family things together. And, and this is a big and: My in-laws are close-by, look after my dd's one afternoon and morning a week, and babysit happily whenever we want them to. We don't make use of that very often, as we're big couch potatoes , and enjoy just being together as a family, but it's great to know that there's always someone there.
Sorry for waffling, just trying to analyze here why I find it so easy to enjoy SAHMdom!
Another thing is, prufrock, that I am a person who is quite easily content. When I was doing my degree for example I had many friends who were constantly questioning whether they had chosen the right subject etc., whereas I was quite happy to go with the flow really!

And the last thing: Hey, you Kevin McCLoud fanciers! Where were you when I started that thread about him and felt like a complete weirdo...