Ok so here it is, i am stupid i am heartbroken and i have hurt the people i love and who love me.
I guess anyone reading this will think i deserve everything i have brought on myself, but i am hoping that someone might have some advice.
So my life and how i wrecked it.
I am married with two lovely kids, i met my husband when i was very young and we were each others frist loves. It was never fireworks we just drifted along and despiite being young and having interfering familys on both sides we got engaged, married and had two kids. We have never had alot of money but we got by, husband is very laid back and thats good as i am very manic and get worked up over the small things and worry alot.
For a while now i have known that although i love my husband i am not "in love" with him, we don't really talk we never go out and he sat on the computer and i went to bed early.
I have never been sex mad and we differ greatly in our sex drives and after so long together the passion is not there [if it ever really was to start with]. But he is a very good person and he keeps me safe and grounded and lets me go out with friends and trusts me.
One friend who i have known for a few years now and who is really more like part of the family, i just clicked with and we got on better and better, we could talk all night and we made each other laugh and we went out to places together as we shear intrests that my husband and i dont.
I do'nt know when it changed, well yes i do one day last year we were all having a great day just messing about and he looked at me and i looked at him and it was like a explosion inside of me that i did not understand at the time, but now i know it was a part of me waking up to the fact that i had feelings for this man that i should not have.
He is 8 years younger than me and has never been in a relationship and he is funny and smart and makes me feel alive and tells me how wonderful i am and how much he loves me.
We had the perfect friendship and i had to be stupid and let him fall in love with me and i fell for him, big time,
He ask if i would ever leave my husband and i said no, then i started to think that maybe i could, but after 20 years together how do you take away someones life, family and everything you have together.
It got more and more painful and i made him so sad and i just mopped about, thinking of him at home and wishing i was there.
So i told my husband that i thought i wanted to leave but not why, he was very laid back and said that whatever the problem was we could work it out.
I carried on in my own personal hell for a few more weeks now really giving anyone any of me, my husband and i still just wondered round each other and the kids [who i love more then life itself] just got on with what ever kidsdo and when i spoke to the other person it was always painfull and ende in tears as he says he loves me so muchit is killing him not to be with me.
So i told my husband why i wanted to leave and explained that i had feelings for someone else and who. Husband was as always very good about it said we could not help how we felt about eachother and that it was just infactuation and i was living in a fantacy world as this other person really dose not know the real me and would not put up with me if he did.
And i am in HELL as i do love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but i am in love with someone else. Despite the fact that he is younger then me and never been in love before and would have me and two kids to contend with on a 24/7 basis and i dont know if he could as his work is very stressfull and i would never be able to give him a child of his own this man wants me. I am so scared though as i need someone who is strong and i dont want to hurt my husband and i am scared if i did leave i would not be what the other guy wants and i would end up replaced by a younger thinner babymaking person at some point, but i know if i don't go i will always wonder what if and i know if i do go i will break my husbands heart and i just want to die at the moment.
I know it is stupid but i guess i want my husbands blessing and i know thats selfish. He is trying so hard to be understanding and asks how he can put it right but he has done nothing wrong, i just am not good enough for him and i am not sure i am really what the other guy wants as this is the first time he has fallen in love and i worry i am a novalty to him as i have opened up a whole new world to him . All i know is i never thought i could feel pain like this and i never wanted to bring pain to my husband who has never been anything but supportive and loved me no matter what, and i never wanted to bring pain to the other personas he is a lovely, sensertive person who trusted me with his hopes dreams and fears and gave me his heart.
Well i guess ou think i am an evil cow and maybe i am but i never wanted to be.