my life is falling apart.

[Trillian]

Ok so here it is, i am stupid i am heartbroken and i have hurt the people i love and who love me.
I guess anyone reading this will think i deserve everything i have brought on myself, but i am hoping that someone might have some advice.

So my life and how i wrecked it.
I am married with two lovely kids, i met my husband when i was very young and we were each others frist loves. It was never fireworks we just drifted along and despiite being young and having interfering familys on both sides we got engaged, married and had two kids. We have never had alot of money but we got by, husband is very laid back and thats good as i am very manic and get worked up over the small things and worry alot.
For a while now i have known that although i love my husband i am not "in love" with him, we don't really talk we never go out and he sat on the computer and i went to bed early.
I have never been sex mad and we differ greatly in our sex drives and after so long together the passion is not there [if it ever really was to start with]. But he is a very good person and he keeps me safe and grounded and lets me go out with friends and trusts me.

One friend who i have known for a few years now and who is really more like part of the family, i just clicked with and we got on better and better, we could talk all night and we made each other laugh and we went out to places together as we shear intrests that my husband and i dont.
I do'nt know when it changed, well yes i do one day last year we were all having a great day just messing about and he looked at me and i looked at him and it was like a explosion inside of me that i did not understand at the time, but now i know it was a part of me waking up to the fact that i had feelings for this man that i should not have.
He is 8 years younger than me and has never been in a relationship and he is funny and smart and makes me feel alive and tells me how wonderful i am and how much he loves me.
We had the perfect friendship and i had to be stupid and let him fall in love with me and i fell for him, big time,
He ask if i would ever leave my husband and i said no, then i started to think that maybe i could, but after 20 years together how do you take away someones life, family and everything you have together.
It got more and more painful and i made him so sad and i just mopped about, thinking of him at home and wishing i was there.
So i told my husband that i thought i wanted to leave but not why, he was very laid back and said that whatever the problem was we could work it out.
I carried on in my own personal hell for a few more weeks now really giving anyone any of me, my husband and i still just wondered round each other and the kids [who i love more then life itself] just got on with what ever kidsdo and when i spoke to the other person it was always painfull and ende in tears as he says he loves me so muchit is killing him not to be with me.
So i told my husband why i wanted to leave and explained that i had feelings for someone else and who. Husband was as always very good about it said we could not help how we felt about eachother and that it was just infactuation and i was living in a fantacy world as this other person really dose not know the real me and would not put up with me if he did.
And i am in HELL as i do love my husband and don't want to hurt him, but i am in love with someone else. Despite the fact that he is younger then me and never been in love before and would have me and two kids to contend with on a 24/7 basis and i dont know if he could as his work is very stressfull and i would never be able to give him a child of his own this man wants me. I am so scared though as i need someone who is strong and i dont want to hurt my husband and i am scared if i did leave i would not be what the other guy wants and i would end up replaced by a younger thinner babymaking person at some point, but i know if i don't go i will always wonder what if and i know if i do go i will break my husbands heart and i just want to die at the moment.
I know it is stupid but i guess i want my husbands blessing and i know thats selfish. He is trying so hard to be understanding and asks how he can put it right but he has done nothing wrong, i just am not good enough for him and i am not sure i am really what the other guy wants as this is the first time he has fallen in love and i worry i am a novalty to him as i have opened up a whole new world to him . All i know is i never thought i could feel pain like this and i never wanted to bring pain to my husband who has never been anything but supportive and loved me no matter what, and i never wanted to bring pain to the other personas he is a lovely, sensertive person who trusted me with his hopes dreams and fears and gave me his heart.
Well i guess ou think i am an evil cow and maybe i am but i never wanted to be.

hi there, sorry to hear about your terrible situation hun. it is very tricky, you are always going to be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, all I can say is that if your DH is not willing to go to relate then is HE really interested in saving your marriage.a lot of the time men can be very selfish as I already know. Whose to say that if you stick with your husband then after a while he turns round and tells you he has met someone else and low and behold you already told your younger man you were staying with your marriage, you would then be left with no man rather than two. Sorry if this sounds cheeky at all, it's quite hard explaing things in a written context rather than speech, all I can say is I would always follow the hearts desire. xx

This is probably all going to sound wrong, but I will try....

First of all - how old are your children?

What I wanted to say was, that you sound like your time with your husband has come to an end. In my mind, I love to believe in marriage til death do us part type of thing, but in my heart, it doesn't seem logical.

When marriage was for life, we got married, raised our children, and died young. Now, we live so many many more years, and it makes sense that we would have multiple long term partners - say the childhood sweetheart, who may or may not be your child rearing partner too, but then, as many couples seem to feel, as their children get older, and the 20 years or so of being together has happened, they start to move on. A whole section of life has been spent with that person, and understandably you both change, sometimes together, and sometimes apart.

I know that there are all the what ifs -
What if you leave your husband for this man, and then it falls apart with him? The only answer to that one is how well would you cope alone - I know that when you have never been alone it would be terrifying (scares the life out of me, if something happened between me n Boy). But, you might have some amazing reserves of strength and you thrive on living alone - you can't know the answer to that one until it happens.

What if you stay with your husband? Will you be happy? Will you be miserable? Will you be mediocre - if it is the last two, do you honestly think you deserve to live like that?

Unfortunately, if you choose your husband, you will have to lose your friend - there is no way that you will be able to go back to how you were before if you have such strong feelings.

Does any of that make any sense?

Yes flamesprrow it makes alot of sence.
My children are 8 and 4.
DH and othre person are quite alike in some ways but could not be more differant in others and i know that if i left and went with the other man that it is a risk and i could end up with nothing and that once its fighting kids and piles of washing and school runs and bills to pay and not romantic meals and days out that he may decide its not what he wants at all, and then i would be homeless with two small kids and have broken up a family and DH heart for nothing, but i know that if i stay i will always wonder, what if, and i think all the damage has been done as despite DH saying he wants me to stay i dont know if he will ever trust me again and as he has done nothing wrong i feel so bad.
Also i know he would NEVER have done this to me as its just not like him, and if he had i would have been deverstated but i think i would have let him go if it made him happy and if he told me he was unhappy with me and had been for a while.
I just feel so evil and i cant make it better for anyone, as if i go i will feel so guilty hurtingDH and brakeing up my family and if i stay i know i will always be looking for something that is missing. Dh is not a selfish person and he is not crual or spiteful, he did nothing wrong i just fell out of love with him, [long b4 i fell for my friend]. I just know that if i left and started a new life i would worry that he was not happy then and that all he worked for for 20 years had been taken away, but at the same time it is not fair to stay just for the sake of not upsetting the norm is it.
We dont own a house and i would not ask for any money from him and i would never stop him seeing his boys and i would never try to shut him out, he said he would never speak to me again, i really dontwntour boys to be stuck in the middle of two parents fighting like kids.
I can not win. No one can

Oh Trillian, I wish I could give you a hug. You are one of the best people I know and it shines out in the way you talk here - how full of conscience you are about all this, and how badly you want to make everything work for everyone. xxx

Thanks anorak.
I just don't know how to make this any better, i thought how would i feel if DH died and i know i would be deverstated, and then i thought how would i feel if i left and he "replaced me" and i did not feel anything other then i would be glad he was happy, then i thought what if my friend replaced me and it hurt like hell to think of that.
I also thought how would i feel if i left DH replaced me and then it did not work out with other guy and i was on my own and i know i would hate myself for breaking up my family but that was about all.
I know if i left and the other guy changed his mind or found someone else i would be gutted and i know i would never have to worry about DH leaving me but i also think i only have one life and i dont want to spend it always looking for whats missing. I cant say that the other man is whats missing and i dont know if i would be still looking with him but i know i would love to try.
If DH said i could go i would be gone like a sot but he wont say that and i feel i owe it to him not to leave no matter how much i long to be held and made to feel alive by the other man.
Crying again now.

A life of misery to make others happy isn't right.

As much as a split wouild affect your children, they will be affected by an unhappy mother too.

I know that you need to think of others feelings too, but you cannot make your choice based soley on others and not yourself.

Anyone who knows me must be looking - one of the biggest marriage advocates out there!! Your heart just sounds so much with this other man, and that it is not out of spite or anything, just a gradual change in your love for your DH.

xxx

Not read the whole thread but I wanted to add a different perspective. I was married to someone (still am legally) but was never 'in love' but tried to live "doing the right thing" iykwim . Anyway I spent most of my life with him wondering when I could live alone but hating the thought of it all. He sounds very similar to your DH in attitude. Anyway to cut a long long story short, I left him 3 years ago for a man who 'lights my fire' - it has not and is not easy, but i know that I have done the right thing for me - and therefore for my kids. will post more if you want me to?

I really didnot look for any of this, i always thought you got married and had a family and stayed till death do you part, but i know now real life is notso black and white and at the moment mine is very grey.

I did feel like this about my DH a long time ago, but have not for a while, but he does not deserver the hurt i have brought to him and nither does my friend.
I do worry though that he sees me as this exciting older woman who fills his world with new things and would soon be bored of the "real day to day me" We have hurt each other alot and lately made each other cry more then laugh, he cant cope with the situation and wants to have me in his life as his wife and tell his family and friends about me.
I know i would love to be such a big part of his world. I just made my world already and no matter how sad i am in it i cant distroy it for DH and our boys [they like my friend bye way and he loves them]

"Husband was as always very good about it said we could not help how we felt about eachother and that it was just infactuation and i was living in a fantacy world as this other person really dose not know the real me and would not put up with me if he did. "

Your Dh said that??? Do the two of you get on well, I mean prior to this situation, how was your relationship with your dh then???

I did not look for it either - no one knew how unhappy I was as I lived the seemingly perfect life - married, nice house, hubby with good job, three lovely kids etc etc. But it was not fulfilling and I knew inside I was living a lie. I believe that in the end you have to follow your heart. If you decide to stick with DH - which is the easiest option and lthe safest - you need to get some professional help to ensure that you can make it the happy option.

I am in so much pain as i did not want to hurt anyone, i have hurt everyone and i hate myself for it.
I really dont know what to do and at the moment i can see only one way to stop hurting people.
I hate myself alot right now.

You should not hate your self for being human and having feelings. every one deserves to feel how this other man is making you feel and if your dh is not willing to work at your marriage then how does he think these issuses will be resolved? they wont dissapear on thier own. As for distroying your family, you wouldnt be doing that as flamesparrow said if you are unhappy then your kids will be too. my children survived my divorce, unluckily for them thier father took access for a few years then decided he had had enough but for some children like my step children it brings them closer together,dp has much more time for his kids now he only sees them periodicly. this of course is only my opinion and worth as much as you want to make it worth but, follow your heart, you only live once, you done get any do-overs with your choices in life, you deserve to be happy, you are worth love joy and tenderness, not to mention passion and desire, go forth and be happy...( sorry if that sounds a bit pompus, but life is short..) big hugs to you, try to keep your chin up.

Thank you sandy25.
I just hate the pain i am corseing. DH did nothing wrong and he has put up with a lot and kept me strong and safe, given me space and freedom and never tryed to make me be anyone i was not.
We have had our ups and downs and everyone does but at the bottom if it was this understanding and peace with each other,
I dont know when or why i started to feel lost , i know there has always been something missing and did not know what.
I still love DH but not how i should, the passion is not there and i dont feel alive anymore, i know there is no for sure that i would always feel like that with my "friend" but i do love him and i am hurting him so much, everytime i talk to DH and get upset he walks away, my friend holds me. I do feel that if i did go with him then i would be cheating him of the sort of life he should have as i am 8 years oldr then him and nowhere near as smart, and i think i would always worry about being replaced, i just dont know.
I wish i could just go to sleep and never wake up. My heart is breaking for what i am doing to everyone and everytime i see my friend my heart filps and want to be his world i really do but that means distroying DHs world.
DH would do anything to put this right but there is nothing he can do, the only DH can make me happy is to let me go. Wish i was dead tbh

pls dont wish yourself dead, you would distroy your children. age differnce should not matter i am 17 years younger that my dp and we are going fine, why? because we have fire and passion and devotion to each other, you said something is missing maybe that is it...? Also your dh needs to stay and talk about things not walk away, it will not solve anything if you two dont talk....pls dont talk about dieing again, you are a beautiful soul and the world needs beautiful souls in this day and age...look at the world around us there is enough death and destruction of man kind... i know its hard to be where you are right now and i know this will be hard to believe but things will improve...ok? try to love yourself a bit more....PLEASE

Oh sandy25 i have never loved myself and i never knew why DH loves my and i cant work out why my friend who is so special and wonderful and makes me feel alive and not just exhisting would love me, and i do beleive he loves me but i sometimes wonder why or how he could, i am not sexy i am not beautiful i am not smart or funny or any of the things he seems to think i am, but when i am with him i am a butterfly and if he was not in my life i would have no life at all as everything in the world is in his smile and the universe is only there because of his laugh and just to see him smile or hear him lauge is all i ever need.
He is my solemate. Always will be where ever i am and cant live with the pain i have given him.

Just popping in to say, Trillian you are lovely, and sexy, and funny - you are a loyal and true friend, generous, devoted mother and until this point have been a devoted wife too. Even now you are still trying to be.

How could you think you are none of these things? And I don't want to hear another word about people being better off if you died. That's just crap and you know it.

Can you imagine DSs if you died? Or your sister and mum? Or DH? Do you think he'd prefer you dead if he can't have you? No way. He's too gentle a soul to ever think such a thing. If only he were a b**d, how much easier this would be for you. But what a rotten last 20 years you would have had, eh?

Whatever you decide to do, you'll always have people around you who love you and care about you and I'm willing to bet that includes your DH. I've never known him to be cruel or nasty to anyone in his life. No matter what he says now I think he couldn't ever turn his back on you for long no matter what you decide to do. Any more than you could to him.

but that is his pain, you have not given him anything but the chance to experience love. How can you say that he would replace you with some one younger down the track, maybe his love is as strong as yours seems to be.. give that some thought ok? dont try and take resposibility for other peoples thought emotions or hurts, you obviously have enough of your own... i really feel for you but dont know what to say to get you to realise that you are wonderful and special, the other guy seems to think you are so try listening to him...? You deserve to be happy....in the imortal words of Rick Myall in the movie "Drop Dead Fred" "get happy' i would first hit you on head with saucepan and then say this as he did but you are a bit far away....lol. please though do try to think more of yourself you are worth it....bet your kids would agree with me...

I wouldn't hit her Sandy she is a bit handy with her fists, LOL!

Trillian I am busy now but will pop in and out during the afternoon to see how you are.

Thank you anorak, you have always been one of the people i loved and respected in this world, you are so much i could never be.
I know this must be so very hard for you and i do thank you for you support. DH is lucky that despite alot of his family being the biggest shits on earth he has a person like you in his life.
And i would not give up one moment we had together and i would not miss the chance of knowing you and your lovely family for the world. But i have to sort alot out and i have to stop the pain i know that.
Thank you for being in my life, I LOVE YOU .

Have to go now Trillian...is nearly 11pm over here in Australia and i must go spend some time with my dp...and getting square eyes from staring at computer screen...Anorak, pls look after her she is a beautiful soul who is in a lot of pain... wish i could have been more help hope you feel better soon Trillian.... lots of hugs xxxxxx Sandy...

Thank you all for your input.
I just see only one way to stop the pain now.
DHis a lovely kind person who dose not deserve this and my friend is the most wonderful, smart, funny, caring, loving, sexy, vibrent, person you could ever wish to meet, he has given me so much and i wil never be happy without him in my life, my body aches for him, my mind longs for him and my sole is empty without him.
A day without hearing his voice or getting a silly txt or email is a long empty day.
A weekend without seeing him is hell and the thought of him being alone and missing me rips the very heart out of me. I have on life without him in it.
I guess you all think i am a sad an pathtic person and maybe i am but i need him so much it is killing me. And the thought that my happiness is at the expence of others kills me too

'stop the pain'? I presume you're still talking about suicide (I hope I'm wrong). If you are then in what way do you think it would stop the pain? Maybe it would for you but not anyone else. It would make it 10 times worse.

You are too good a mother to do that to your children.

I am a crap mother and a crap wife and a crap friend. I take anything good and twist it till its bad and brings pain, i have forght so longand so hard to be normal and have the 2.4 but i am not worthy of any of it. I am worthless and i don't deserve to have love in my life.

Trillian - if I was you, what advice would you give me?

Trillian you are just allowing yourself to wallow in misery now. Stop it. You know it's twaddle. Remember all the good things you've done and start thinking in a more balanced way.