MN Little Italy 14

[Penthesileia]

Ciao, welcome!

lol at model of a brain...one year gave dp an electric brush! he liked it, but i think he thought it a bit weird, we were at the beg of the relationship too, how embarassing...

poor DD, franca, hope a good night's sleep will help.

Penthe, glad you had a lovely rain-free day!!

McC, I feel like that too recently, in fact the other night, after a discussion with DP (I kind of lost it for no reason, it wasn't an argument really) I came down and got the car keys, but my heart sank when I remebered that I had to put my car in the neighbour's drive because of the gas works and couldn't get it out... just felt like a drive a la thelma and louise, but on my own and sans cliff...

oh, my mum got a jade (obviously) necklace for my birth, a gold chain with a nice pendant with a little boy and girl engraved on it for my brother's birth, and a pearl necklace for my sister's. don't think there can be equality in this - I'm the one who went through days of labour and still carries the scars of birth, so I think I deserve a little token of appreciation

goodness, your mum did well!

i think life with kids is hard, whether one works or not....

i cannot drive, i did consider taking a cab though one day that i just thought "i cannot do another wash and not gooooo bonkers.."

Oooh, McCloud - am impressed by your resolution! What steps are you going to take?

Yes, hope you have an ok night with DD, franca.

it is a resolution, now i have to make sure i implement it.

i want to start taking better care of myself, the way i used to, and not go out as if i have got out of bed..

i want to read more (have a new little mountain of books sitting next to me, mmmm)

i want to see exhibitions regularly and go for walks without my family

and i want to do more fun things with the kids, walks, day trips, visit castles, areas of london i don't know, etc. (we stopped with the arrival of dd, but now the weather is getting better...)

and see my girlfriends more

What do you think Penthe? Doable no? I am harldy saying i want to climb Everest...

and have more one to one with dp

lol at the spazzolino elettrico!

oh, no, lara croft again, she's so annoyingly beautiful

McC, we must be living the same life, or maybe it's that we get to this stage at the same time as DDs are about the same age... boh, anyway, I've started with your first point, and have to say that after only 3 davina workouts I feel so energetic and "buzzy" and better within/about myself. working on the rest... need to find a trusted baby sitter so that DP and I can have a proper "date", if we lived closer we could have had a LI babysitting network lol. at least in 4 wks time BF and I will be having our Take That night !

ha! tonight I will sleep with dd! The men are confined to the kids bedroom

ring is beautiful but it's a shame as after such row has lost a bit of it's meaning.

Exactly McC after mother's day I thought he would get what I want the most which is a bit of a break and the recognition for all I do. Instead the answer I got when I told him I was annoyed he slept in instead of me etc was worse than the lack of thought .

We went for a meal out but that and a present for my birthday seems to me the basic one would do for a loved one, no?

anyway enough of this crap.

must poinjt out that I do not care about expensive present and such like, did not eve want engagement ring so he knows that.
did not get anything for birth of girls and did not want anything. My mum instead got diamond rings for the birth of each of us - it was a dreadful marriage.
I do know what counts Unfortunately and jewellery is not one of these things.

AIBU an ungrateful bitch?

no you're not Pippi, I think it's totally normal to want recognition and to be given a break for a day! Unfortunately it seems to be beyond most men to do that! I have a sneaking suspicion with my dp it's because he has a fear of me getting used to it(ha!) and expecting it regularly, much in the same way he is a shit house cleaner as he knows I will say I might as well do it myself in the end!We had huge screaming row yesterday- I took ds to meet FIL in the morning, DP got up at 11.20!!!!!!, I got back and as soon as I walked through the door he asked me for the 36 euros I owed him from the day before and then went mental because he couldn't find his stash of ?200 he has put aside for "band stuff" which I had borrowed to pay for deposit for OUR holiday.Sometimes I wonder if i have a teenager and a 2 year old! Put me in a totally bad mood and then my blackberry gave up the ghost for the 2nd time in 6 mths which means being chained to my desk for the next 2 weeks til vodafone sort it out!
sorry to moan ladies moving on, today is going to be better, hope you all have lovely Sunday.

That is a beautiful ring. If nothing else, at least your DH has good taste.

Sorry, Pippi - I don't mean to joke about your situation.

You are absolutely NBU to want recognition and a bit of a break! And it is so aggravating that your DH can't seem to see how important this is to you, and how something so relatively easy and "cheap" (IYSWIM) could be considered such a significant gift to you. I'm sorry.

FWIW, I don't really get a break either, as I've mentioned before. The thing which keeps me from going utterly medieval on DH's ass though is that he is quite apologetic and regretful about it. He's very open about not being adeqaute in this regard, and does hold out some hope that as DD becomes less demanding in physical terms (ie. no longer a baby/toddler after whom you basically have to chase and crawl, and with whom you wrestle from dawn to dusk every day) he will put in the hours. I believe him. He's just not a baby person, I guess, although he's so in love with DD, don't get me wrong.

God. Life was simpler before children, no? It's so amazing - and completely unpredictable for each individual - how they totally transform your world, both for the better and (though I know it's probably not legal on MN or something to say it) for the "worse". Well, not for the worse, but undoubtedly they can put a strain on your relationship, for instance. No, let me put it another way. The children don't put the strain, poor wee things - it's the way we are so poorly prepared for the impact they will have... Hmmm, rambling, and sounding a bit cold and heartless... But hopefully you get my point.

Pippi, sweetheart. You are a super mum, and I hope that your DH finds a way to express this to you (as I'm sure that deep down he does know how much you do and how lucky he is to be with you.)

McCloud - sorry - seem to have missed a couple of your posts!

DP is Ligurian (his mum is Piedmontese), so loves his rich creamy cheesy pastas, gnocchi, etc. As does DD - like father, like daughter! Is taste genetic? I'm not so keen on such foods! But I don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Also, I think your resolutions are excellent and achievable. I'm going to take a leaf out of your book, and do similar things, I think. Especially the exhibitions thing - I miss that.

LOL @ model of brain, btw!

Thanks Penthe, really! I do need such kind words because this time I feel at my lowest. And I get exactly what you mean... I keep thinking at the person I was and cannot believe what a push-over I have become.

Pippi, at least it's a beautiful ring . But yeah, I'd rather have no material presents than have my parents marriage. theirs is the reason I never wanted to get married, although, especially after having the will done, it is better financially and legally, especially with regards to the DCs. we only do useful/practical presents for b-days/xmas, often something for "us" as suppose to "me" or "him"...

right, really need to get dressed and go to the shops, as we really are agli sgoccioli of toilet paper . at least it's stopped raining and the sun is shining.

now I really fancy gnocchi instead of the planned bangers and mash....

off to wrestle with dd, she's become a nightmare to change and dressed, she won't stay still for even half a second!

Pippi I am sure you are not a pushover at all. You are still the same person as before it's just that now you have to make more compromises which includes accepting things you maybe wouldn't have before as there are children involved. You sound like a fantastic wife and mum and like Penthe I am sure your DH knows that. He is probably feeling put out because men in all their wisdom think that women want nothing more than expensive gifts when really all we want is them to say- you are great, I could never do what you do,I appreciate it so much and we are lucky to have you! Having said that I am a bit at the ring-it is stunning!

You're not a push-over, Pippi. It's just that life has become so, well, triangulated. You have responsibilities now to your DDs and to your DH (and he to you). What I mean is, you can't just take off, or behave as once you did (and I say this for myself too), because you have to think about your family, not just about yourself. If you end up doing something which you might not have imagined you would've pre-DDs, it's not that you are a pushover, or such a different person, but that there's just so much more going on in the decision-making process.

I must say that I sometimes read some of the more "You go, sister! Give that man a taste of his own medicine. Leave him with the kids and go get your nails done" type posts on MN with a little sense of shame, because I would never take such advice. Does that make me a pushover? No, I don't think so: because only I know the dynamics of our relationship, and what I, or DH, can take, etc.

Pippi, FWIW, you come across in your posts as such a thoughtful, balanced, and intriguing person (that sounds weird, but I can't think of a better word just now ).

Could you write a letter to your DH to explain how you feel?

Mcloud am impressed with your resolutions and am going to do the same. We should have a Little Italy joint resolution thing going on so we can support each other

Gio that's exactly what I wanted, and ideally not just on my birthday and mother's day but everyday!

Yes Penthe I am a push-over because I have said from day one when dd1 was born that I should do that 'go off and leave him with the kids not for a day but for a week' thing. He is capable as he does do things and is 100% devoted to the dds. If I didn't do it is because I believe is got enough hard work working not too need a week on his own with the dds. IMO he does need and deserves a break, a lie-in, a lot of things as he does a lot for us... but why dont I?

It's just that slowly slowly it becomes "per loro tutto e' dovuto e per noi tutto e' concesso" like my friend just texted me which really sums up all the situation and how I feel.

If I had no children and was treated like this I'd have gone pretty sharpish and not answered the phone for at least a week till I got full 'apologies kneeling on thorns'. As it is there's not much I can do, even having a row is not possible with dd1 getting really upset.

I hope I'm going to get taken ill the day we go on holiday so I stay behind on my own. That is how bad I feel.

thanks for all your kind words which as I said are very much needed as I feel totally rubbish.

BTW on a positive note dd1 is first on waiting list for favourite school !gio any news for you?

You are not being unreasonable pippi, not at all!
I think you are a great mother, we all do here! I cannot but echo what the others have said.

Don't feel rubbish, we've all been (and are) there. Sorry I have to go as dd wants a minestrina...

be back later

feel better now, on the outside. been crying all morning.

don't get me wrong dh is a great dh and dad and I've got no doubts that he loves me... it's this attitude that I cannot accept and cannot believe I ended up like everybody else ifswim. like I said I will fight till the end as I'm not going to be a doormat, more than I've become .

anyway I'll be in C for meet-up for sure.

Oh, love. Don't cry.

Or rather, don't cry alone - does your DH know you are crying? Surely he can't ignore that.

What do you want from him? Can you write it down here? E.g.:

• a lie-in at least once a week
• time to myself (specify amount)
• etc.

Maybe putting it down in words here, and then maybe writing it to him in a letter might help.

Seriously, would a rota work? Like, every Saturday he has to look after your DDs til 12pm, so that you can lie in, or go out, or whatever? Maybe something like that, something "official" would help? Also factor in some time for you and him? Do you have a babysitter?

Oh Pippi sweetheart don't cry!

I think that no matter how "equal" our relationships with dp or dh feel/are at times, I do think that we (women) end up carrying the heavier weight, both emotionally and practically.

I agree with Penthe, write him a letter and state what you would like. It doesn't have to be a strict schedule (we know we have to be flexible, first thing you learn when you have dc ), but I'm sure it will help having it all spelled out on paper.

I know my views aren't terribly popular on here and I'm not sure what your financial situation currently is, but it really worked for us having some form of external childcare. Dh is great with the dc, but there was no way he would look after them on a regular basis during the weekend. And I couldn't have survived without some time out.