Should we all be having our babies in our early 20s?

[Coldtits]

read here

What do you think?

Myrrhcy that was a generalisation but i do think it is generally true. If you are rich you have no economic constraints to bother with; if you are poor and consider that you have no realistic prospect of owning a house etc then why delay having children

chaufleur - that is my DH all over

He is now Devoted Husband and Super Dad. He was desperate for our second child. I have to remind him that i strong armed him into creating the first...

Im 24 and about to have my 3rd baby, married at 23, been with DH for 8 years now.

My plan is to start a career once this bump starts school. Haven't a clue WHAT the career will be but would rather do it this way round.

My own dad wasn't at all fussed about having kids. He only had them in his second marriage (age 43 - he knew he needed agree to have kids in order to keep my beautiful mother, who he adored. He is the most doting father (and now grandfather) imaginable and says that his kids were the most amazing thing that ever happened to him. He told my mother after I was born that he never wanted to be without an under five year old in the house. This is genuinely still true!

chaufleur - same. My male friends are all super-enthusiastic dads who adore their children and I can't think 3 or 4 less years of partying would have done any of us any harm ...

It's like they (I know I say they like it's a different species, but, hey...) don't realise how much pleasure there is to be had from being a loving DH and dad until in some cases they are indeed strong-armed into it to coin MrsMattie's phrase! (did I say I was pretty much the same with my DH? )

I don't know if it's laziness, fear of the unknown, or the awful media banging on about desperate women, gold diggers, bunny boilers, ball breakers etc etc. Or even if it's because "they" (ha) watched too much Men Behaving Badly in its day and hanker after that matey, studenty, sitting on the sofa drinking cans with your mates type lifestyle.

Now, I'm not kidding, in the trendy pub near me it's full of dads with their shiny new babies in their shiny new buggies, in the beer garden in summer, all flashing their shiny wedding rings about and looking all rueful and "yeah, under the thumb now mate big time" but LOVING it really and sitting round a table surrounded by pints and buggies and talking Bugaboos.

It is heartwarming. And so irritating on behalf of the women I know who are still waiting (aged 37 and after 7 years together) for some sort of commitment, who's partners are more interested in their wide-screen TV than the 10 minute, annual quick chat about marriage or kids. I mean, aged 37 and with a 7 year (decent) relationship under your belt, what would you do? Chuck it all in or keep holding on? Because if you chuck it all in it's like the last 7 years have been absolutely wasted.

I know it's not always like this, or this way round but it is for a lot of the women and guys I know.

PMSL@chaufleur. I couldn't have put it better myself!

My DH was the archetypal lad, always bleating on about his mates being 'hen pecked ken' blah blah blah. Now he bops down to the paper shop of a Sunday morning with our DD in the Baby Bjorn sling, exchanging knowing smiles with other 'hands-on dads' (He even has a regulkar playdate with another 'lad turned right-on dad'. They have coffee and talk about local schools. ROTFL.

Confession, though. Before we got together, he was in a 10 yr relationship with a woman the same age as him (ie. late 30s when they split). I'm pretty sure he gave her the right royal run around re: starting a family. Part of me feels extremely sorry for her and thinks my DH was a twat for keeping her hopes raised, but ultimately dashing them. Part of me thinks she should have attempted to strong arm him a lot sooner (or dumped his laddish arse if he resisted).

I am 24, my dd is 13mnths and I love being a mum, but i am very lucky to have wonderful husband who dotes on us both. My mother however, had me at 17 and much as i love her was a terrible mother, my father ended up with full custody of me when he was only 21 (i was 2). Worked out v well in long run. My mother is now 41 and pregnant with her 5th baby. she is happy and I'm pleased but i honestly dont know if she has got better. She couldnt understand why my dd couldn't have crisps (wotsits) aged 8 months. I'm not overly precious about dd (just averagely) but i feel it s up to me to do things properly for her and if that means reading packets and not giving her food which is bad for her then obviously thats what i will do. I think some people feel ready for kids in their teens and others may not feel ready ever. each to their own. (sorry written so much, have problem summarising)

I can see both sides really. I had dd at 20 and ds at 24 and while I do relish having them, I do worry that I will turn out like my mum, who threw all her energies into having children, and now at 50 is finding herself underqualified and pretty much unemployable now she is looking for work. I had dd while I was still at uni and as such when I graduated it made me actively seek an employer who was family friendly, and I have always known that my career and family life would have to coexist, which I suppose can be a huge shock if you have children halfway through a career. Having said that, throwing ds into the mix has changed my outlook again, as now I am finding the idea of going back to work very difficult, but I am terrified of my future prospects if I do not , which tbh is pretty ridiculous as I am 25 and realistically have plenty of time to concentrate on that.

I don't think that all men are different but I do think that women are now left to be in charge of contraception.

We spend our twenties maybe not sure about wanting to spend the rest of our lives with someone or be tied to them through kids, so we take the pill, thinking that when the time comes we can havea sensible discussion about actively trying for a baby.

Sadly for many of us that conversation never happens or if it does children are put on hold. For some people the only choice they have is to have an 'accident' because they can't get their partners to commit to planning something as huge as having a child.

i became pregnant when dp was still at university

it was an accident and when i told him i was going to keep it he said 'ok well cant see me being any happier with anyone else so lets get on with it'

so we did

not what we wanted or planned but now that +ve test is in lower iv and the eldest of 6

NotanOtter, do you work? Did you persue a career and if so has it been hard?

My OH hasn't quite realised he's not in his 20s anymore and he is 37. He has a good job and a 'settled' life and is quite a homebody but still, it took a good friend of his admiting to consciously 'trying' and a couple of other friend conceiving and a long chat from me to convince him that it would be a good thing to do before i turn 35 and he turns 40.

If he had happened to be younger than me then i wonder if i'd have been biologically stuffed and had to choose between him or kids (a choice that would have broken my heart).

It isn't actually a crime not to want children. Parenthood is not only not complusory but quite a lot of people really shouldn't do it, because they won't like it and won't do it well. I think that's probably the case with a lot of men who are less keen than their current partners on becoming parents: they don't want to stop living a spontaneous, hedonistic life. And why should they?
SUch men are often blamed for 'wasting a woman's time' but I think (and have seen) there are quite a few cases where the woman has continually ignored what the man says and does (nothing more toxic than saying he doesn't want to marry or breed) and carried on hoping he will change his mind. Why should he?

I met my now DH when I was 18, we were married when I was 22. I was pg within a year, DD arrived just after I turned 24.
I plan to have another before I turn 30 (I'm 27).
I was on okayish money before I had DD, when I got back, I got promoted, a good payrise and it has been going up from there (touch wood, cross fingers etc)

"There is no sensible biological argument that says the 20s are the "right" time,"

Only in the sense that there is a lower chance that you will have fertility problems if you start trying to conceive in your 20's. Also if you do have fertility problems, you have a longer window of opportunity to have them treated if you start trying to conceive in your 20's, or even teens. Your eggs are, apparently, also in better condition in your 20's and you have a lower chance of miscarrying. So purely from the point of view of peopling the planet, you are more likely to be able to do increase the world's population in your 20's. I think those American women on the discovery channel who have 15 children tend to start in their 20's. If you start in your 40's you will have to be pretty busy to produce even 4 children.

Actually, from an ecological point of view, maybe we should all be waiting till our 40's...

Obviously most MNer's don't have children in order to people the planet.

Reading this thread has made me realise even more how lucky I am.
I met dh when 18 bought our first house when 20 married at 21 and had our first baby at 22. I've never been career minded and one of the only things I've been able to say I really wanted to do is have children. Am on number 4 now.

I am extremely lucky that its all fitted so nicely even down to being able to get onto the property ladder when we did.

I'm neither rich nor poor btw but it seems I cant be lovely, attractive or intelligent women

I wonder if mens parents relationships have any impact on how they view the prospect of having children themselves.

sticksanta - no of course it isn't a crime to want children. But many of the men I know do want children, just not now and it's a hideous thing that women are forced to put their men under pressure because they simply aren't thinking about declining fertility.

And I was with a man through a large part of my 30s who said he wanted them one day but then when I was forced to push the issue and he finally really thought about it, decided he didn't. That is of course fine and his prerogative, but it would have been nice if he'd given the subject some serious thought a bit earlier in the day.

Obv that first sentence should say 'to not want children'

MrsMattie!!!

sticksanta - agree with spicemonster that it's not a crime to want DCs.

However IMHO, there are a lot of men who know and are perfectly aware of the fact that their partners DO want DC's but they just drift on dangling the "maybe one day" carrot. This is not the same as you say, that he states he doesn't "want to marry or breed". That simple statement is is clarity itself but that's generally what is avoided at all costs!

This is because they know if they said "No, I don't want to get married and I don't want DC's, not now, probably not ever that I can tell and certainly not in the next five years when you will be 41 and your fertility is on it's last legs, so it's your call if you want to stay with me on that basis", then their DP might just choose to go and find someone else who DID want to have DC's.

So selfishly I think they subconsciously avoid being truthful and honest and that, IMHO, is the crime. Not the not wanting DC's - but the dishonesty and misleading behaviour.

Disclaimer: "They" is a general term to describe some men who behave like this. Not referring to all men, naturally.

ROFL Mrs Mattie and Chaufleur!

Agree that blokes are generally as much if not more responsible for women delaying having babies.

I Line Manage 6 male and 3 female graduates in their 20s. The girls are in a different league of maturity to the boys (general laddish, unprofessional attitude resulting in me having to spend disproportionate amounts of time 'managing' them which makes me grumpy) so I fear the future is not good ....
Rant over...