any jokes?need cheering up

[whymummy]

here mine
a rich lad parks his porsche and when he opens the door another car drives past and takes the porsches door off the rich lad gets out and starts shouting and cursing,a policeman approaches him and says"you rich people are all the same,youre so worried about your precious car you havent noticed that your arm is missing as well" the lad looks horrified at whats left of his arm and cries "oh s**t my rolex!!"

Whymummy - no need to be forgiven - just didn't think it was funny. I do like rude jokes normally.

cos, that was FANTASTIC!!!!!!

Even DH laughed!

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his
mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr Smith, I'm only here
to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so
marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back
the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the
way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes
and announced, "Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test
results back"???

bumbilion and southepoo fantastic!!

Obliviously this was written by a man! but still amusing and stangely true???

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married person should forget their mistake, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Furball

CORPORATE LESSONS TO LEARN

Corporate Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman

drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to Credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to Prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs,forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself

to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129." Once again the priest apologized." Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her

way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek; further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you may miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one each." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be In Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight
that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes and then the mechanics read and correct the problem.
They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next
flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = the problem logged by the pilot.
S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

These are brilliant. Corbin's PE excuses had me crying with laughter.
My son told me this one today
The Americans go into a school in Iraq and find the teacher standing in the classroom waving a protractor, a ruler, a set square and a calculator about. This proves that the Iraqis have weapons of maths instruction.
Well its amusing the eleven year olds...

A couple go to the hospital to have their baby delivered.Upon their arrival, the Doctor explains that he has invented a new machine which transferes a portion of the mothers labour pains to the father.He asks if they want to try it out,...their both very much in favour of it and say yes.

The Doctor sets the machine at 10%, explaining that it was proberbly more pain than the man had experienced before.

As the labor goes on the man feels fine and tells the doctor to turn the machine up to 20%.

The husband is still feeling fine, the doctor checks his blood preasure and heart rate and decides to turn the machine up to 50%.

The man continues to feel very well, and as it is obviously helping his wife, he persuades the doctor to transfere ALL the pain to him.
The wife has a healthy baby with hardly any pain and the couple are ecstatic.

On returning home they find their milkman dead on their porch !!!

(very old)

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change too.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
ONE ! AND IT'S NOT FUNNY !

How many 'yuppies' (substitute modern equivalent ... ) does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two - one to call the electrician, one to mix the Pimms

Why does it take a woman with PMT 3 hours to make dinner ?
IT JUST DOES ALRIGHT ?!

Why do brides wear white ?
To match the rest of the kitchen appliances

two girls get really drunk on a girls night out,on their way home they need to go for a wee and the nearest place is a cemetery one uses her own nickers as toilet paper and throws them away the other uses the wrapping paper from a bouquet of flowers near by,the next morning one of the girls husbands phones the other and says
"im worried john,i think the wifes had to much fun,mine got home without her nickers" "thats nothing dave,mine had a card stucked to her bum that said " The lads from manchester remember you"

LOL< LOL great joke Whymummy !!

How many men does it take to change the toilet roll on the holder?

No one knows.
It has never happened.

Q. Why are men like public toilets?
A. They're either vacant, engaged or full of sh*t

all that women want in life is two animals: a jaguar outside and a tiger in bed but what we usually get is a panda outside and a pig on the sofa

Don't mean to offend ...

Joke 1

Man & his wife at the doctors.
Doc: bad news, she's got alzheimers or aids.
Man: how will we know?
Doctor: Put her on the bus, if she comes back don't f*ck her.

Joke 2

A man is dying of cancer and his son asked: 'Dad, why do you keep telling people you are dying of aids?' Dad replies: 'so when I'm dead no one will f*ck your mother'.

Don't ever employ a dwarf with a low IQ...it's not big and it's not clever.

Sorry to any short people out there

How many male chauvanists does it take to change a light bulb?

None the b*h can iron in the dark.

How many irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?

5, one to hold the bulb, and the rest to turn the ladder around.

Sorry if anyone is offended, my h is part irish.

man goes in to visit the doctors...

doctor: what can i do for you sir?
man: well... i want you to take a look at this....

man pulls down pants to display a lettuce leaf sticking out of his bottom...

doc: that is dreadful... it must be really painful...

man:.... if you think that's bad... that's just the tip of the iceberg!

hee! hee! hee!... heard it on r5 live the other day!!! made me chortle very much!!!!

Got this from Terry Wogan yesterday (sad!):

An Irish (or whichever nationality you prefer!) mother received gifts from her 3 sons.

The first son bought her a mansion.

The second son bought her a Mercedes and employed a driver to go with it.

The third son, knowing that his mother loved the Bible but found it hard to read these days, bought her a parrot. The parrot had learned the Bible by heart. It took priests 12 years to teach it. All the mother had to do was name chapter and verse and the parrot would recite it. The bird was priceless.

The mother wrote to her 3 sons.

To the first she wrote: that house you bought me is too huge, I live in just one room but have to clean the whole house.

To the second she wrote: I don't go out much, I don't need a car. And the driver is so rude.

To the third she wrote: You know what your old mother needs. That chicken was delicious.

OK, this is funnier.

If a woman follows these five steps, life can be sheer bliss:
Getting the RIGHT GUY:

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It is important that a man is good in bed.
5. It is really important that these four men don't know each other.

A man walks into a labratory says to the scientist

'I've got a brain tumor and need a new brain, what do you have?'

The scientist says 'In this first tank, we have a scientist brain, which is 50.000 pounds. In this next tank, we have a nuclear physisist, which is 100.000 pounds, and in the last tank, we have a irish mans brain, which is 150.000 pounds.'

the man then says 'I can understand the first two were expensive, but you must be joking about the irish brain.'

The scientist says 'No, the reason being it has never been used.'

Ha ha