any jokes?need cheering up

[whymummy]

here mine
a rich lad parks his porsche and when he opens the door another car drives past and takes the porsches door off the rich lad gets out and starts shouting and cursing,a policeman approaches him and says"you rich people are all the same,youre so worried about your precious car you havent noticed that your arm is missing as well" the lad looks horrified at whats left of his arm and cries "oh s**t my rolex!!"

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident, it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says "so you are a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from god that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days. Flattered, the man replies "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from god" The woman continues, "and look at this, another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely god wants us to drink this wine to celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle of wine to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks "aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police... The moral of the story; Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000.00, and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon and gets her hair done, new make-up, and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was very impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.00 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he very logically married the one with the largest breasts

(Surely, you weren't thinking men have changed!)

ANALOGIES & METAPHORS FOUND IN SCHOOL ESSAYS

-Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

-His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and -breaking alliances like socks in a dryer without Cling Free.

-He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

-She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

-She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

-Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

-He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

-The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

-From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

-Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

-The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

-Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

-John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

-He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

-Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

-The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

-The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

-He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

-The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

-He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

-She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

-It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Corbin I love them! Have tears streaming down my face - really cheered me up - any more of those please post them here!!

pregnancy issues
Q:should i have a baby after 35?
A:no,35 children is enough
Q:is there anything i should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A:yes,pregnancy
Q:im two months pregnant,when will the baby move?A:with any luck right after he finishes school Q:my wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes shes borderline irrational
A:so whats your bloody question?? Q:my midwife says its not pain i`ll feel during labour just pressure,is she right?
A:yes,in the same way a tornado might be called an air current
Q:do i have to have a baby shower?
A:not if you change the nappy very quickly
Qur baby was born last week,when will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A:when the kids are in college
Q:is there any reason i have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A:not unless the word "alimony"means anything to you

Corbin! I love those! I am printing them and handing them out at my next book club meeting!

thanks corbin and bobbins,really good!!!

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Alex staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was trembling and barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:30 or the 11:30?"

Finally a Barbie I can relate to. At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully. These are a bit more realistic.....

1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fachion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain, and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, two MuMus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white and a cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-life Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. Ther're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Includes a real tape of "Breaking up is hard to do."

9. Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99, Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.

10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps. Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.

11. Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book "Getting in Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

Watch what you say

Yes, the following is all true. It all happened live on TV. This is the reason why people should think before they speak:

Pat Glenn - Weightlifting Commentator:
"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was
amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator:
"This is really a lovely horse, I rode her mother once."

"Jane" - News Anchor in Michigan:
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, she turned to the
weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last
night?"

Greg Norman:
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Alan Minter:
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."

Terry Venables:
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Ron Atkinson:
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it, you can see it all
over their faces."

Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox
of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio:
"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing
his class."

US TV Commentator:
"One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before
each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them."

a mum,dad and 6 year old daughter are having breakfast,the little girl asks
"how do you make babies?"the mum gets all embarrassed and looks at the dad for help but hes busy reading the paper,the mum says "well,darling,daddy puts a seed in mummys belly and that seed turns into a baby"
"and how do you do that daddy?"the dad carries on reading the paper and says"oh,i just push it in with the tip of my c**k"

(PE = Physical Education class)

Actual School Absence Excuse Notes

I thought you might get a Kick out of these! These are
excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by schools from all over the country.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
   PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick
   and I had her shot.

3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on
   Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from PE for a few days. Yesterday
   he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out
   of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
   He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been
   bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose
    vowels.

11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
    had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ( )'s
    were crossed out.]

12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had
    diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas
    shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
    We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and
    when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have
    to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was
    tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He
    had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She
    was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
    gangover.

22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under
    the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had
    a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her
    sister was also sick, ever and sore throat, her brother had
    a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
    sore throat and fever. There must be something going
    around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school
    yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him
    ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the play ground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a "Passionate Embrace." Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly....

"MOMMYMOMMY, IWASATTHEPLAYGROUNDANDDADDYAND.."

Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story. So Little Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy.." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing,laying down on the seat, and....."then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."

Some times you need to listen to the whole story!!!!!

POSITION: Mom, Mummy, Mama, Mother, Momma, Queen, Mother Earth

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term team players needed for challenging permanent work in an often
chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will
include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some
overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on
rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel
expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

For the Rest of Your Life. Must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time,
the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be
willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly
and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys and
battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared
for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product. RESPONSIBILITIES ALSO INCLUDE: floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.

BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the moms you know, in appreciation for everything
they do on a daily basis, and let them
know they are appreciated (and to your children so that they know what it
takes to be a parent).

This goes for dads too!

Whymummy - sorry, but I didn't think your second joke was very funny. Maybe I'm a prude, but it was a bit distasteful to me.

sorry chinchilla,i obvuously didnt mean to offend anyone i hope youll forgive me

A man goes to see his doctor and says "Doctor I have 5 penises!"

The doctor asks "How do your pants fit?"

Man replies "Like a glove."

Love these, they are great.

Whymummy, Thought all yours were funny.

thanks a lot happydays i don`t feel so bad now,cheers!!

Totally brilliant! ALL OF THEM!

Love the Grand Prize Winner (the last one):

A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY subject. Below are the winners:

4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)

If an infinite number of hunters riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they then yawn to even it out.

2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no phonetic alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)

The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)

The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells.

GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground. Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

a polar bear and her little bear
little bear-"mummy am i a koala bear?"
mother-"no,son youre a polar bear" little bear-"maybe im a panda bear"
mother-"no,i told you,youre a polar bear!why you ask?" little bear-"cos im freeeeeeezing"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and
that
it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some
collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant,
about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out

there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants
to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is
this?"

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?!!)

a passanger in a taxi leans over and taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question but the driver screams histerically looses control of the car and crashes against a shops window,after a long silence the driver says "dont you ever do that again mate!"the passenger apologises and the driver says again"its ok,its my first day as a taxi driver,before i used to drive a hearse"

Man comes home from work one evening to find the house in total chaos, breakfast dishes on the table, dirty washing everywhere, kids still in PJs eating rubbish and watching rubbish. He rushes upstairs to find his wife lying in bed eating choclates. Oh my god, says he, what happened?
Well you know when you come home and say "what do you do all day?
Today I did'nt do it.