is it bad manners to

[Cod]

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miggy - that is really rude. i'd be really annoyed.

First thing DH said was "well its just a way to get people to spend more isnt it" and absolutely right as I spent more than I would have done as am shameful coward socially.
Cod "beatrix Potter Otter" is that mad typing?

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Actually thats a really good idea to throw a spanner in the works at the next wedding-buy something really hideous and leave it unmarked in the pile-then imagine the happy scene as bride and groom try to apportion blame on respective families-may try that!

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Is it bad manners to...

...send C & C a turd in a box?

yes very poor indeed always makes me cringe

I think it's rude.
But then I still remember at the grand age of five, seeing my 'best friend' for the first time since my return from holiday. She said "Where's my rock?" so I witheld it for a fortnight, on principle!

had friends do this but we wanted to do something else - their honeymoon included some time in Australia and so we organised a wonderful champagne and chocolate hamper to be delivered to the hotel. It turned out it arrived the night they were off to the opera and so had the champagne before they went and the chocs when they got home. They also had two beautiful glasses to keep as a reminder. Their list however did include things for every budget.

i think im in the minority but i think wedding lists are a wonderful idea. being asian, we dont usually have them. invitations usually say 'no bexed gifts' which i think is a very rude way of saying hand over some money.
also, i would never dream of going to a wedding, or even birthday party without a present.
never been invited to an engagement party, so have no idea about that.
even if spend a great deal of money going to a family wedding, eg petrol money, plane ticket money etc, i would still go with a gift in hand. just coz i dont want any bitchs in the family saying i didnt give a pressie. self preservation. and if i really couldnt afford it , then i wouldnt go. simple really.
also, i dont understand why people get so stressed about kids not being invited, personally, id love to have an evening, or even weekend in adult only company.... bliss.

whilst a thank you not or card would be nice, i d prefer a thank you phonecall. i think its more personal. and shows the person actually knows what you gave them, and whetther they liked it or not.

Lilibet, it just seems so holier than thou somehow, and as tinker says, you may not want to contribute to that particular charity. Either you want/need a present or you don't. If you want to donate your wedding present money to charity yourself then fine, but it doesn't seem right to ask other people to do it.

To answer the original question, it probably is rude, but my basic attitude is "Why give a toss?" You could take the matter a step further and say that all those people who have destination weddings (which, to my mind, are rude: think of poor 90-yr-old granny who is expected to trek to Nantucket or the Caribbean) whose invitations include a list of things to do & where to stay at said destination. You could say that's presumptuous, too, but you could also say it's efficient, depending on how you look at it. I think the rules are changing with weddings & everything else & I'm not that fussed. Things will evolve as they will.

expatkat, have to disagree with "who gives a toss"? Granted that whether or not you put a list in your wedding invitation is no big deal, manners are, IMO. Good behavior may be totally untrendy at the moment but that doesn't make it right for the future. Not having a go at you, BTW, but am personally super-strict about manners with my dd & ds. Even if "please" and "thank you" come out automatically, at least it shows basic human respect.

End of rant.

We put one in ours. I didn't feel mercenary for putting them in, the wording was sensitive and it gave those who wished to buy something for us, a clue !

I did wonder whether she should leave them out and just let people contact us if they wanted to buy a gift, but we realised that we'd either a) inconvenience people by requiring them to call and ask or b) end up with a load of gifts which were their tastes and not ours at all, which we then had to find a home for in our house.

We put a letter in with ours saying that we didn't want "things" but if people did wish to give us something then we would prefer money to help stabilise our future.

It was better worded than that, and made it very clear that we didn't "expect" gifts.

I don't like getting ones with just a list - it makes you feel waaay to obliged to buy the £20 napkin rings. If they ad justa small note saying "this is what we would like if you wish to buy us something" then I'm fine with it though! Just some courtesy!

My cousin put a letter in invitations saying that no presents were required nor expected as they just wanted people to come and share their day but they acknowledged that some people do like to buy pressies and if this was the case, then vouchers would be useful.

So you'd rather people have "stuff" they don't want or need, than to make them happy by giving them what they truly want/need if they have asked for money.

Our finances are a mess, we don't know if we can afford a honeymoon, so asked for money to pay off some debts, and then if anything is left, to go on a honeymoon.

We have a small cluttered house, and if people insist on giving us gifts because they don't like the idea of money, it leaves us with nowhere to store them, so we won't be able to keep them anyway, wasting the person's money!

I have to say that I also wouldn't like the idea of being asked to give someone money but it depends on how well you know the people getting married.

As I said earlier, it is one thing to ask for vouchers or money from close friends and family who may know your personal financial circumstances but quite another to receive such a request from a marrying couple who you only know through work or as a distant relative.

ettiquette says it's bad manners - but hey, do what you feel comfortable with. I think it's fair to make an assumption that anyone coming to your wedding will infact buy you a present. So, If there are things you need, tell them where your list is held. No point in beating about the bush - be honest. Make sure there are lots of cheap items on your list though. So that all price ranges catered for.

I'd be surprised if an invitation came without list details tbh. They are always worded, 'if you did want to buy us a gift then we have a list held at.....'.

It's all about the presents!
Personally I'll only get married when my saucepans need replacing and the toaster breaks down!!!

When we got married, (12 yrs ago !!), we didn't include the list, and assumed that only those who wished to buy a gift would approach us and ask if there was anything in particular we wanted.
Instead, we heard thro the family grapevine that people were annoyed with us that they had to approach us when we were so busy. I hadn't even considered that, and felt quite hurt. Also, I felt that they were assuming that we expected a gift,we didn't, we just wanted them to help us celebrate, gifts were an added joy in my eyes.

As it turned out, we got so many duplicates we spent weeks having to change things, and then upset an aunt because we returned her gift (it was easier to return hers as we saw her lots then, and were able to ask for her reciept, the other people lived 200mls away, not so easy!)

Now, I love it when I recieve the list with the invite, and am not at all put out by requests for money either, it makes it easy for me to sort a gift, and I know they will appreciate and want what I gave.