New woman in the office has a deformed arm - best to ignore or ask what happenned?

[DrNortherner]

Lots of whipsering going on in the kitchen "Have you seen her arm/Wonder what happenned? etc"

Is it best to ask her, or ignore it?

She is lovely and I so do not want to offend her, equally I don't want her catching anyone whispering about her.

Thank you

If you got to know her a bit it would be fine to ask her about her arm, but if she is really a new woman in the office then everyone needs to grow up a bit and stop the whispering in the kitchen. Poor woman. That is just he problem with offices, everyone is so bloody bored that they have nothing better to do. (Not meaning you BTW)

Ahem, we are not bored I can assure you.

I would ignore it at least until you know her better. How annoying for her that the most interesting thing about her to other people is an arm

FFS I have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing so many times and it still winds me up every time. The adult thing to do is to completely ignore it and certainly no whispering. Only children can get away with asking.

I've had colleagues send around mass emails saying 'I'm in a wheelchair because of X, this means that I am often very tired at the end of the day, I have a hard time doing Y or Z. If you have more questions, feel free to come talk to me.'

That was informative, but I'm not sure she needs to bother, over her arm.

(I wouldn't ask, tbh - it's not really your business, is it? And it may well be a delicate upsetting subject for her ...)

Ignore it. She will talk about it if/when she is ready - and feels comfortable enough with all of you

Amusements in offices I have worked in before have included "What's Under The Jumper?" (A guessing/memory game") and "Name That Soup" (someone draws a soup in Paint or something and emails it to colleagues, who then guess the, erm, soup).

My dad is an amputee (since he was 17), and although he would always answer children honestly, he would tell adults it was the result of an ingrowing toenail as he thought it none of their business.

Ignore it - please try to see the person not the physical difference.

depends what sort of person you are - if you have the guts you should go up and ask - say it will save a lot of other people asking - I can tell them all and then we can forget about it !

She must be used to it though - so probably best to be open and say I am sure you get sick of people asking.

Let me explain- people who have these "disabilities" (although I don't consider myself disabled as there are very very few things I can't do) are so used to living with them and dealing with them that the only time they are made to even remember they have them is in situations like this- where other adults kindly recall it to their attention.

name that soup???!!!!

I would ask. She must know that people are wondering. If it were me I'm sure I'd appreciate the opportunity to get the conversation out of the way and move on.

Ignore it. my next door neighbour has dreadful scarring all over her face, tis quite disarming. So I just got to know her and after about 3 months (and many bottles of wine later) she just kind of forgot that she had never told me what happened to her and mentioned that she was in a fire at the age of 6, I just said 'oh is that what happened' and she told me a bit more about it. It was none of my business until she told me iyswim.

"My kids were asking yesterday and I din't know what to tell them" but surely you tell tehm the truth - that yo udon;t know and that it doesn;t matter why, and whilst its natural to be curious it isn;t polite to ask people such personal questions unless its relevant to the conversation at the time.

Can't agree, Throckenholt- being used to it doesn't make it any easier. Not a question of having the guts- more a question of sensitivity.

seems I am in a minority of one here.

Surely it is human nature to want to know - and much more straightforward to deal with it early on ?

In this way kids are so much more open than adults - they just ask out of curiosity rather than pussyfooting around like adults do.

Although I do think children are entitled- even need- to ask and have it explained as they can really worry about things. Adults don't need to.

Throckenholt - kids also point and stare, and that is not necessarily appropriate in adults

I with you throck. I would be far more stressed knowing that people are wondering, speculating, biting their tongues ... that's surely far more alienating and less friendly.

Surely it is human nature to want to know - yes it is and as I said, you should tell your childrne that it is normal to be curious.

But one individuals curiousity doesn't trump anothers right to privacy. You don't need to "get it out of the way", you have no right to know ever.

There are things I don;t want to discuss with people that they would probably be really curious about if they could See the issue. Luckily for most of us the things we don't want to discuss aren't visible .

Kewcumber

"My kids were asking yesterday and I din't know what to tell them" but surely you tell tehm the truth - that yo udon;t know and that it doesn;t matter why, and whilst its natural to be curious it isn;t polite to ask people such personal questions unless its relevant to the conversation at the time.

My kids are in the same class as him and camme home all excited because he is getting a new leg this week. They asked what happened to his own one - and we said we didn't know. To which they asked - why hadn't we asked. We told them the truth - we never got round to it. They were interested to know if he was born with it like that (in a very straightforward kid type way).

It is odd - because we chat with the parents - talk about how he is getting on during hospital spells - but we never did ask what happened in the first place.

well if I had something I would rather people asked than specualted. I could always say I don't like talking about it.

cant believe anyone thinks it is their business and whispering- how childish.

Spidermama - I'm sure if she's a grown woman she has wokred out by now how she ants to handle it, if she wants people to know early and avoid speculation she is quite capable of picking the friendliest person and mentioning in passing what happened to her arm.

I'm sorry I still don't agree that children have some kind of inalienable right to know. Though no doubt most adults would be sensitive to explaining it to a child. We aren;t talking about childrne here.

Well then, Spidermama, it must depend on personalities. I certainly don't appreciate being asked by adults- and I wouldn't comment on aspects of other peoples' physical appearance either. And I hope there's more to me than my hand, that people aren't spending all the time they're talking to me wondering "what happened".