New woman in the office has a deformed arm - best to ignore or ask what happenned?

[DrNortherner]

Lots of whipsering going on in the kitchen "Have you seen her arm/Wonder what happenned? etc"

Is it best to ask her, or ignore it?

She is lovely and I so do not want to offend her, equally I don't want her catching anyone whispering about her.

Thank you

Has anyone see the Austin Powers film where the man has a large mole on his face?

I have a friend in a wheelchair - he always says it is much easier to talk about it with kids who ask straightforward questions, rather than adults who don't.

I guess I am basing my opinion on that.

As far as the pointing and staring with kids - that is up to the parents to tell them everyone is different - there isn't any need to stare at someone who is a little more different than they have previously come across.

And whispering I must say, when adults do that, I rarely have any time for them afterwards. Shockingly insensitive- and I am always aware of it.

god i'd never ask, how terribly rude.

Throckenholt, kids are different. They do often need to know so they're not scared by it. Not the case for adults, as I said below. No problem with giving kids a clear explanaion, big problem with nosy insensitive adults.

what fishie said

SauerKraut I think I am quite a self concious person and always wondering what others are thinking about me so would appreciate a bit of honest insight into it. I think you're right that it depends of the person and perhaps the best thing is to take your lead from the person in question.

You need to tell your colleagues to stop whispering about her in the kitchen and grow up. It's the last thing she needs on her first day at work.

My ds was born with a cleft lip and palate. We have always encouraged him to be open about it, and he seems fairly comfortable about this. Although he has been known to imply that he's a pretty good boxer to kids he doesn't particularly like!!

I realise that everyone is different - I have a cousin with a cleft lip and palate who has never mentioned it, not even when she knew my ds was born with the same. I find that pretty weird tbh, as she presumably feels so uncomfortable talking about it, she didn't offer us any advice or comfort.

So if your new colleague is like my ds, ask her, if she's like my cousin, don't!!

I am basing my opinion on how my father felt. He would always answer children's questions honestly, because it is natural for them to ask.

But for adults it really is none of your business, and probably not nice just to be seen as your disability or physical difference.

I would never wander up to someone who was fat / thin and ask about their excercise and diet and genetic makeup.

I think it would be rude to ask as well as pointless.

What difference would it make to anyone else whether it was caused by accident/illness/congenital defect/bitten off by a shark?

All you would be doing is satisfying idle curiosity.

Not quite the same but I have a large skin graft on my left side - neck, arm and thigh and as has been mentioned the only time I remember I have this is when people I barely know rudely ask me how I did it!

I always answer children who ask me, but just tend to glare menacingly at adults who ask.

As an example I have a friend I have known almost 3 years, she has never asked me and it came up in conversation last week so I told her.

I feel sorry for this woman with the whole office whispering about her and agree if she wanted everyone to know she would have told someone by now!

Absolutely, Spidermama. I think, OP, that unless the lady in question brings up the subject herself, then not mentioning it is the right way to go.

Once you all get to know her you will probably find that it will get mentioned and you will all find out, but it is not your right to know and you should let her handle it how she wants to tell people, if she wants people to know

I do that too, KS- menacing glares all round

KaySamuels...do you????

ok - I concede it depends on the person.

I tend to associate with a bunch of no-nonseence scientists (many of them pretty weird in their own ways) who would rather ask the question up front and then forget about it.

But I guess if you have the "problem" (for want of a better word) it depends how you rationalise it yourself. If it bothers you and makes you self conscious then you are not going to take well to people asking (or speculating behind their hands). But if you are more comfortable with it you will be more open to someone asking - you would answer matter of factly and probably say something like - well I wouldn't have chosen to have xyz but I am fine with it now.

I just think it is a shame that as adult most of us can't be more open about this sort of thing, without getting upset.

I am not saying a deformed arm defines someone - but it is a very visual thing that people can't help but notice. It would be better alround to acknowledge it early on and then forget about it.

re children - I don;t think they have an inalienable right to know - but they can be forgiven for not understanding adult ettiquette, for staring, for coming right out and asking, for commenting etc. and often, because we extend to them some degree of flexibility it's easier to just tell them. also kids are easier to explain stuff like this to - they have less baggage, are more accepting, less prejudiced.

but back to the OP's question - I think the point is there is no rule here. adult social interaction is incredibly complex and succesful interaction depends on picking up all manner of subtle forms of communication. take me, for example. I am absolutely hopeless at putting myself in the centre so if (as might happen one day as I have ms) I have to start using a walking stick I would much prefer it if people asked. I'd like them to know and talking about myself just doesn;t come naturally. but that's me. and we're not talking about me. there are so many variables in a situation like this - she might want to be asked, she might not, she might think it's none of anyone's business, she might prefer to share - with some or all of you - when she's ready. but, imho, none of us here can give you an answer. it's up to you to use your best social skills to discern the answer for yourself. I would doubt that it includes being utterly upfront in her first week and very much doubt it includes talking about it in the kitchen. but other than that the response, imho, is open.

ha - my dad was so not self-concious about his lack of a leg - he used to wears shorts, goes swimming, used to swim in the sea leaving his leg upright in the sand, sunbath on naturist beaches.

And he would tell people he knew. But if it is your first day in an office they everybody is effectively strangers, and he thought it was not anyone elses business until he chose to tell them.

There's often little to be gained by being open. And one has usually gone through a lot of sht in childhood to put one off probing questions and reminders of the "problem" for life.

If I were to ask someone I certainly wouldn't be doing it just to satisfy my curiosity. It would be as part of efforts to connect in a friendly way and break down any kind of barriers which could have led to, say, whispering in the office.

I would ask people all sorts of questions about themselves for similar reasons and I would have thought that avoidance of a subject like this is almost more judgemental. Deliberately glossing over something can make it seem bigger and more like a minefield than is necessary.

But having read this, I would certainly think twice about asking.

oooh, i don't know, actually. i once sat next to a woman with a false arm and hand for months without noticing, until one day i wanted to show her something on the computer and affectionately grabbed her arm and got the fright of my life.

in the heat of the moment i yelped 'your arm, what happened?' (because in all honesty i was being such a dimwit i'd thought something had happened, like, that morning ) and she was a bit pissed off that i just came out with it. however, she said later that it's because she'd assumed i'd noticed it prior and hadn't mentioned anything.

to sum up her feelings, she said she'd rather people just asked if they were curious cos that's annoying, but that if she wasn't in a kindly mood she reserved the right to think them rude for asking. overall, her least favourite method was the yelp of horror..

she was my mate, i should stress, i'd probably have noticed more quickly if we hadn't spent so much of our time arsing about at our desks.

I have a scar which is obvious to everyone but I forget it is there. Some new people ask me about it. TBH the last time a new woman at work asked me what was "on my neck" I thought DP had left me with a love bite or something I dashed to the loos to look in the morror - then realised! I went back and told her the full and gorey story. She looked very embarrassed and a bit sick at the end

If I had known her a while and she had brought it up in general convo I would have been fine but this other woman was new and did not know me - I just thought she was rude and it has tainted my opinion of her ever since.

'Little to be gained by being open'. ??

Wow. Being open is almost like my religeon, honestly. How funny that people are so different.

My son has a "deformed" arm (=horrible word, by the way)

I feel sad for him knowing this is what he has to look forward to

He already gets it, and he's only 22 months old.

As his mum, I'd rather folk asked me about it than whisper, but I don;lt know how I'd feel if it were me as an adult