New woman in the office has a deformed arm - best to ignore or ask what happenned?

[DrNortherner]

Lots of whipsering going on in the kitchen "Have you seen her arm/Wonder what happenned? etc"

Is it best to ask her, or ignore it?

She is lovely and I so do not want to offend her, equally I don't want her catching anyone whispering about her.

Thank you

Sheik if you spend time with someone and they don't ask, do you assume that they haven't noticed or that they are 'being polite' and not asking?

I'd be more inclined to leave it up to her to tell you all.

No, don;t notice tbh.

I have had people whispering behind my back about it though, which I do notice

And I would go into your collogues Northerner, and tell them all to fucking well grow up.

Yes that's defintley the worst case scenario.

Hmm, thanks for the views, it does seem completley mixed doesn't it?

The girls aren't gossping nastliy btw, they are just curious I guess.

I mean the girl who is training her is sat with her at her desk explaining everything and showing her the computer system and she feels bas cause she just asked her to carry some boxes and then thought 'shit, what if she can't.

She did by they way!

ignore

IF she choses to talk about it, fine

if not, also fine, non of your business

at everyone whispering, tell them all to get a grip

I worked with a woman and her husband's arm was amputated, I didn't ask and she didn't say how it happened

it could have been (no doubt) something horrific had happened in his life and they didn't want to discuss it to all and sundry

Message withdrawn

I'm sure she is well aware of any limitations she my have (which probably won't be many) and will speak up if she is unable to do something.

What a very enlightening thread.
I've often wondered whether my method (which is to try quite hard to appear not to notice - though I'm not a great actress so I doubt anyone is fooled much) was annoying or OK.

(My reasoning being (a) it isn't any of my business; and (b) what would be different if I did know the reason? -> nothing.)

OK, well I won't ask then

Probably for the best

My son also has a "deformed" foot. He was born with talipes (club foot), and although you can't really tell when he is clothed, it is very scarred, the foot much smaller, and the calf much thinner, so shorts draw attention to it.

I don't notice if people don't ask, but really don't like it when you find adults whispering.

Thankfully it doesn't happen often

Also, please aeducate me, if 'deformed' is the wrong word what should it be?

squonk

Message withdrawn

What Sheikh said.

I have several fairly obvious operation scars, and used to have a huge and very disfiguring one on my neck (have now had plastic surgery on it, and much less obvious).

I was about the number of total strangers (yes, random people in the street) but also passing acquaintances who would come up to me and ask me what was wrong with my neck.

So for all those who were wondering: IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! She doesn't have to justify herself to a bunch of nosy strangers in a new office. Anybody with anything resembling a complicated medical history gets sick to the gills of talking about it with every vaguely medical professional that crosses their path. And that's without starting on the nosy general public.

I can tell you from the inside that her attitude will be one of two things: either she will be rather sensitive about her medical history and will have no desire whatsoever to discuss it; or else she is so used to it that she forgets it's there, in which case ditto.

What I can't stress enough is that people with these deformities (agree with you about that word, Sheik) just get on with things- extremely well- and 99% of the time aren't aware of them/forget about them- and the shock comes when it's pointed out again by other people. It's normal to the people who have it.

See, now, Bink says her policy is to 'try hard not to notice.'

This is exactly why I'd tend to ask. I would hate to think of people around me 'trying hard not to notice'. Surely it's friendlier and less alienating to make connections with people rather than allowing that pretence to stand between you and the person.

I dunno. I'm more confused than ever now.

I have only skimmed the thread but I would ignore it and don't ask

I hate people whispering about DS2's hand - he is such a happy smiley boy that most people don;t notice, (most folk notice his mental hair!) but I have had someone recoil when they saw his hand. I have also had someone accuse me of damaging his hand

Luckily, I am a fishwife and think nothing of telling them to fuck right off.

I really don't mind people asking me though, I am not ashamed of it. In fact, DS2 finds it very useful, as it's a good size and shape for nicking toys/food from DS1 without him noticing

We call his hand the pinching pincer

Me again!!

Afgree with Sauerkraut.

We don't really think about DS2's hand very much because he just gets on with stuff. He knows what he can/can't do, and gets around it somehow. I hope he grows up to think it's no big deal and nothing to be ashamed of.

haven't read thread
IMO this is personal kind of stuff along the same lines as asking about the state of someone's marriage, or eg financial situation
hence I would not ask about it until on the right terms with someone to discuss intimate things like this

i do hope colleagues can compose themselves and stop gossiping. the lady got the job on her merits and interview not arm, so actually not relevent.if she wants to disclose she will, if she doesn't she wont

be aware gossiping etc can constitute harrasment and/or bullying

most importantly welcome and orientate her as a new colleague