My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to care or to notice OP.
I think my children are radiant so kind of assumed all parents think this…but if not I can imagine it’s hard. I’m not the best looking but my children are and it does make me proud. Shallow perhaps, there is so much more to them than looks, as with everyone. Just look at the charisma your DH has, that makes him attractive.

The most unattractive children are the unkind ones.

I once had a hairdresser that said exactly the same thing to me about her daughter, I found this really strange.

Be happy you have healthy children, my poor daughter has had to have a hysterectomy due to awful gynae issues, unfortunately she hasn’t had children.

She is pretty but has had really shitty health issues, tomorrow we’re going for her 6 monthly brain scan to check on her tumour, if it’s grown it could be time for removal, which is scary. She has the same type that Davina McCall had removed. You are fortunate to have them, love them for who they are.

@MumoftwoNC Fair enough, my point is just that it’s never bothered her that she was in ads and she appreciates that her parents did it to give her and her brother a financial cushion as adults.

i expect she’d feel differently if her parents used her earnings to pay bills, but they didn't, she got the lot.

I'm not hugely attractive; neither is DH. One of our children is, so far, very beautiful and tbh the main thing I feel is surprise! She also has an incredible confidence and joy and it makes her easy to parent in some ways; in both looks and personality she is her own person.

More generally OP - when I look at DC and their friends what I notice and love most of all is seeing them change and grow. The grown-up haircuts, the newfound ability to ride bikes, the confidence in telling jokes or sharing information about something important to them etc. Having a proper conversation with a child who, seemingly two minutes ago, couldn't get a sentence out. I was in the park after school today with a gaggle of my eldest's friends and just felt so much joy watching them. I couldn't tell you who was attractive/unattractive, genuinely.

@BadDinner IME with a child who looked like a more beautiful young Eliz Taylor the trajectory was interesting. Aged about 4-11 she was only girl invited to boys parties in primary, Mary in school nativity, most popular girl in school, bright & charismatic, beautiful…Loved & feted by teachers & kids alike…Poss more than was healthy.

By 12 plain as a pikestaff & heavy set well into 20s etc. She’s got this incredible confidence, I think the early adoration gave her very healthy self esteem so this can happen too. Being plain doesn’t mean under confidence.

There’s that bit in the terrible movie Shallow Hal where boys say to hit on late bloomers as they have lower self esteem. Unfortunately I think there’s a horrible truth lurking there. We tell our daughters otherwise but it’s s lookist world.

I often observe that people are attractive at one stage of their lives. Gorgeous babies become average kids, beautiful kids less so as adults, the beautiful popular teens at school don’t always age so well. Look at pics of supermodels from their younger days and most weren’t great! But as pps have said, the most attractive thing is confidence, so give your kids plenty of that. And don’t force a horrendous haircut on them as my mother did to me…

My parents are very attractive- and growing up, they attracted a lot of attention for their looks.
I went through varying stages of attractiveness as I grew up, sometimes I was really really quite unattractive/gawky and chubby. In my late teens, I looked awful in hindsight. But it meant I couldn’t rely on the benefits that being attractive gave me in life. I’m grateful for that.

I’ve definitely grown into my looks, in my 40s, I’m considered attractive I think (or so people tell me!).

But the most important thing you can do is to instil in them that beauty is not important. Never allow them to know that you don’t find them attractive. These things stay with a child for life and can be really damaging

My second child was a really ugly baby, and not a very cute toddler either 😂 and I did notice this in comparison to my eldest child who was a really cute baby and more conventionally good looking. Youngest has actually developed into a really strong, athletic and more conventionally good looking child at primary school age. It doesn't matter to me, but of course you notice your children's features and appearance. It's probably just different to your experience in life, and it feels strange because you're not used to it if say, people don't compliment your kids appearances like they did you.
I don't think you're weird or shallow, everybody does judge on appearance in this world and we'd be lying if any of us said that's not the case - so it's not an odd thing to think about or worry about as a parent - as with anything else!

OP you talk about model looks.

Our DS1 is married to an ex-model who is now a very successful business woman. They live in the USA & their children both model professionally as child models. I must confess I'm not happy at some of the pictures of our GD that they've sent us - aged 10 wearing bikinis in rather sexualised poses & in family photos she switches into 'model mode' which is often (what I consider) not age-appropriate. She's thrusting her <non existent> hips forward & poses. I just want her to be herself.

But that's possibly another topic to be discussed.

Omg. That’s life. I have conventionally attractive children but 3/4 of them have SEN.

Other people have things that I don’t. Like money!

This!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

To me thats bloody insulting to your kids 🤬

My mother always told me i was fat and ugly for years , i still havent got that out my head 68 years down the line .
Result…no confidence u til i got older and had to drink for confidence.
Lucky i never turned into an alcoholic and hated alcohol after a few years

My parents were good looking. I wasn't, and did get called ugly as a child by my peers sometimes. I remember when I was having my first child at 19 silently asking that they would be nice looking. He was but he was also born with a life long illness ( he lived a mostly normal life though) that he eventually died of at 36.
I just expected him to be healthy. I realised as he was growing with health problems up how silly I was. Although I know I didn't make it happen.

I am not trying to have a go at you op and I completely understand how good looks can help in life, but be glad that they're healthy.

HRTFT so this may have been said, but I read an interview with Cameron Diaz back in the day, in which she said that her nickname at school was Skeletor. I’m sure your kids will grow into their looks and be beautiful; and keep on growing into themselves. As Roald Dahl put it, if you have nice thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely!

My brother and sister, well mainly my brother was so worshipped and i mean that word, because he was good looking.
My sister was too , but as she was 16 when i was born i cant remember her being around at home much .
Consequently , my sister had very attractive children .
They got favoured over me too .
I was pushed aside for being ugly .

Thats when i gave up with them as i got older .

My older son as a baby was so ethereally beautiful people were constantly commenting on it, and often called him an 'elf-child'. He is now a completely average looking adult, and so is my other son, yet they've managed to find friends, partners, careers, a full life.

My own particular bit of terrible honesty is that I'd have found it hard not to be sad if my children were not quick, clever and witty. (Yeah, I am under the impression I am all three.) So I sympathize with you, OP. We are only human.

A joke surely

My son was stunning between the ages of 3 and 7. He was scouted twice by model agencies (really wish I'd said yes). He had extremely striking features, gorgeous bright blue eyes, corkscrew curly hair.

He's now a potato-like 17-year old. I say this with all the love in the world, because for me, his beauty has always come from inside and it shines like a diamond. He is glorious.

Attractive kids can grow into perfectly average adults, and character will take yours a lot further in life.

You make an excellent point that the child who receives preferential treatment because they are deemed to be attractive may later become more confident as adults, even though they may grow up to be fairly average looks wise in the end. This may be especially so if Grandparents or family members show more consideration for them as a result of their perceived beauty.

Whereas the late bloomer child that is bullied, wears braces, is lanky or spotty all the way through their teens may still suffer deep insecurity as an adult, despite later becoming very beautiful/attractive and that might even explain why some of the most beautiful, high profile women in the world seem to experience serious angst over aging, or suffer insecurity in relationships.

I was a pretty child, I'm not now and I never take a good photo. It's not the end of the world. Focus on their self-esteem because that's what they need in life.

How are your DC in other respects @GoldenGirl85 ? Are they brainy, sporty, emotionally intelligent, creative or great raconteurs, able to keep an entire dining table riveted with their stories? Are they blessed with an infectious laugh - the sort that cracks up an entire room? Do they have terrific stamina and determination? If they are still very young, do they show signs of having any of those qualities?

There are a few things you can do to help them - one is to encourage them to develop those aspects of themselves that aren't dependent on physical beauty. Another is to never tell them that you have to be beautiful to care about fashion and clothes. Margot Asquith (wife of Herbert Asquith, Liberal prime minister 1908 - 1916) was not attractive by any conventional standards, but she loved clothes and knew how to wear them. She was also formidably brainy. And finally, as pps have said, avoid the pudding basin haircut. It makes even the most beautiful look like a turnip.

Being a good looking teenager is helpful in one way, but people who peak before 25 are in for a shit time.

I know a couple of models who went off the boil as adults, and it was a huge deal.

Don’t make it sad for your children.

I think that’s really very accurate in what I’ve seen. Poss not the best example but Victoria Beckham, always attractive from childhood but she thought herself plump & had acne etc. She’s on a mission to prove herself beautiful, successful & good enough. Not all of that a bad thing but there’s low self esteem there at core IMO but she’s doing the work.

Conversely I’m not good looking and my kids are!

My mum was pretty but I look like my dad.
Our DC seem to have the best bits of us facially but they inherited some bad bits too like acne and Knock-knees.

i did worry that they’d be unattractive like me as i was bullied for my looks, so it’s not shallow to at least want your kids to be average looking so escape that name calling.