My children aren’t attractive

[GoldenGirl85]

I know this probably makes me sound horribly shallow, but I need to get it off my chest somewhere anonymous.

I’ve always been considered attractive – not supermodel-level, but the type of person who is often told they have nice features. My DH is wonderful: kind, intelligent, successful, and a genuinely good man. He’s not conventionally attractive in terms of looks, but that has never mattered to me because he has so many other qualities.

Here’s the thing: our DC don’t seem to have inherited the “best of both worlds.” At the moment, they look much more like DH, and while they are beautiful to me as their mum, I can objectively see they aren’t conventionally good-looking children. I know children change as they grow, and features shift, so there’s every chance they will grow into their looks.

I’m aware how shallow and ridiculous this sounds – I don’t want to pass these thoughts onto my DC or make them feel any less loved or confident. But occasionally, when I see other people’s children who are striking or “pretty,” I feel that pang of comparison and guilt for even noticing.

I suppose I just needed to say it somewhere: that conflict between loving your children unconditionally but also being aware of how society views attractiveness. I hate that it even crosses my mind, but it does.

Has anyone else ever felt like this? Did your DC grow into their looks as they got older?

I always felt that attractiveness was in personality. How attractive do you think your personality is posting about your poor children’s looks?

Relationship Advise

Hi.

I would really appreciate some relationship advise.

We had a baby together last year after only being together a year. We've been really happy, or so I thought. Yes we've had money troubles, sleepless nights with the little one etc but nothing, so many other people haven't experienced too.

Anyway, last week, I found out from his friend that he has said our relationship feels like its nearing the end and going the same way his previous two relationships went. He hasn't spoken to me about any of this and when I mentioned something to him, he said it wasn't meant how it sounded.

I've put so much in to this relationship. I raised our child whilst he's at work, maintain a lovely home, do the washing, prepare home cooked meals every night.

Is it worth fighting for our relationship for our daughter or do I just let go as I feel like no matter what he says to me, he's contradicting himself when he talks to his friends.

Any advise would be really appreciated as I'm beginning to feel really alone.. thank you

I think good looks have become more important in the social media age. Do we value them ever more now & do they confer even more status?

In the obligatory ‘back to school’ photos, it’s interesting how those with really conventionally gorgeous girls are praised in particular: ‘Congrats on a truly stunning daughter’. You’ve failed, other mums, if you have a bit of a plump ugbug, seems to be the implication.

Equally though, charisma, IQ, ambition & wit really bring someone to life. The young Eliz Taylor & Joan Collins had the whole package, ditto Viv Leigh, Catherine Zeta Jones, etc. If you’re a bit of a wet lettuce have a low IQ or you’ve got the personality of a cushion it’s not going to take you very far. If you have it all you can go on to propel yourself very far indeed or at least to a different world and life. In the old days this type became air hostesses etc. Some of this type land that rare animal, the genuinely all round genuine & faithful, lovely multimillionaire. A famous writer once said truly beautiful women experience life differently.

@Mummyandme089 you have to start your own thread. People won't derail this thread to start answering your post.

Some children are just especially pretty. Even at a very young age.

However growing up children can change a great deal, even hair colour can change a bit so it isn't wise to think that just because a child is pretty they will remain that way, or draw attention to their good looks as children, because then they might struggle with being average as adults.

Perhaps get this moved to relationships board. However babies, holidays, living together and pets impact relationships. Yes it's only been a year, you have a baby together, but you're here now. Don't place too much emphasis on what the friend is saying. Have a honest conversation with your DP. In the meantime, set your own life up, so if it did end and you had to co-parent- you'll be financially and mentally prepared.

Edited- spelling

God, that’s awful to read. How do you know she did this? I can’t imagine anyone admitting this out loud about their baby or toddler.

I have non ID twins and I can’t imagine how anyone could do this. I wanted to look at their little faces all day long and couldn’t have chosen one over the other. In fact I remember deliberately getting a side by side pram so I could look at both of them! If I’d had a different pram I’d have alternated them each time so they could both benefit - babies brains develop from the interaction they have with their mum so your friend was actually really cruel. That’s actually made me quite upset 😩

I was pretty (I’m not any more) my eldest dd is the spit of her dad (who’s an average looking man) it also meant her face is less feminine looking. Is 6 foot , Broad shoulders/chest and struggles with her weight .
my youngest is my mini me 5.3, slim but curvy. Pretty face.
whilst I don’t hold much weight on looks it was still a rough deal for her in her teens.

Dear God: it's just as well your second DD kept up the family tradition of being beautiful isn't?
You might have had to trade her in as being substandard.

I have a few kids. Most typically attractive in human terms. One however is/has been strikingly beautiful with long golden hair. It has led to awful experiences with SA from strangers, being dragged off the street by strangers twice. Constantly being groped in bars etc. Being followed/stalked.

Her brothers used to walk her everywhere, even to the local shop or out to the car. Being older has reduced this and improved her life.

Beauty stands change. Attractiveness is much more than good features. It isn't always a blessing.

So sorry. Didn't mean to post on it this message, just unsure how to delete. Apologies again x

It’s interesting that being at a v big school & noting via my kids’ as they grew / that the beaut kids tend to stay beautiful, generally, IME.

Yet the old expression ‘ugly in the cradle, pretty at the table’ & vice versa also holds true in some cases. When I was a child, light years ago, those girls thought of as v pretty had the Carole Middleton type mums - even the packed lunch was a work of art. Colour coordinated ribbons on plaits. Etc. No utility haircuts or greasy hair :)

Go to the three tiny buttons at the top right hand side of the post. Click it. It will have an option to 'edit post' click that, and you'll see a dustbin symbol. Click that and the post will delete x

I'll delete my repost of your post too.

I think things change a lot as children grow.

There is a girl in my daughter's drama club who if I am being honest was not conventionally pretty as a little girl (they started at age 6) but now she is 16 and the proportions of her features (and teeth) have caught up with each other and she has swapped thick glasses for contacts, and she is clearly going to have the looks, height and figure that would not look out of place in a fashion magazine. Most importantly she was a lovely, charming, intelligent little girl and now she is a lovely, charming, intelligent young lady, who just happens to be beautiful.

I was not attractive as a child, very plain looking but I hit puberty and became very attractive. I have been stunning all of my adult life. TBH Its been a drag at times..
I'm very blessed that I am super interesting and intelligent with a great sense of humour whilst being very modest.
So don't you fret OP there's every chance your children will do as I did.

I hear you OP. I have 5 children. I was conventionally ‘attractive’ all my life and when my first daughter was born I was alarmed, I’m not going to lie. She’s 14 now and is stunning in my biased opinion and is growing in to a body that I’d have envied in my youth. My son is 13 and was a cute toddler but is going through a strange phase where he doesn’t really suit his looks. The younger three…. Well who knows. It’s too early to tell. To me they are beautiful.

Hopefully their father is intelligent and they take after him… George Bernard Shaw nailed it.

Right, if we're being honest, I would say that ds is better looking than dd. Both are attractive enough.
But is that because he shares my features and we're all a programmed to look for similarities to ourselves?

Dd though, lights up a room and I can't put my finger on it.

I also wonder if kids in school find ds attractive, because he's not one of the popular kids and is a bit...spiky. He's got conventionally attractive looks, although eyes are fraction too close. But status definitely goes further in school.

I think a lot of parents can't be objective about their kids. You see it a lot on sm
'Johnny's so handsome.' Yeah, but he's not though, is he? Objectively.

Whatever children look like when young, They’ll change in ways you can’t predict. I’ve known chocolate- box pretty youngsters become much more average and ‘funny looking’ kids grow into their features and become stunning.

Disclaimer: I don’t judge the worth of people, and especially children, by their looks, but since OP has brought up the subject I’m simply pointing out that their current appearance is temporary only, for better or worse as she may see it.

Yes, you sound shallow. What do looks have to do with it?

Both DS1 & DD take after their father, DS2 is the spit of me.

DH has always said that I'm far more attractive than he ever was & he couldn't believe that I was interested in him & was scared to ask me out when we first met (I was 17, he was 26). I've always thought that he was, and is gorgeous, these days he's my sexy, gorgeous silver fox & I still fancy the pants off him.

Never even thought if our DCs are attractive or not - all 3 married for many years & we have 7 beautiful GC. Though DH tells a story about walking down the street with DS2 & noticing that attractive young women turned their heads, DH thought it might be him that they were looking at, then realised it was DS2. Well he does take after me(!) 😉😂

To DH, their parents and me all of our DCs & GC are beautiful. But, more importantly all our DCs are intelligent have successful careers, happy, long-term marriages and are excellent parents with well-balanced happy children. What more can you ask of your children?

@GoldenGirl85 So if you think like this, then how come so many mumsnetters are convinced that being ugly is not a disadvantage in life?

Yes there is a lot of judgement in society based on looks.
And it's perpetuated and normalised by people like OP and others on this thread who are judging their own children on their looks.
Men, quite rightly, get a hard time on MN for objectifying women but when other women judge women on their looks, and, even worse, judge their own children's value based on looks then we really have sunk to a new low.

Mmm I'm aware that my oldest is conventionally handsome and my youngest is also fairly good looking. My middle child is less 'good looking ' I think but has loads of fabulous qualities so I think it all balances out. I don't get the faux outrage as to how you even notice how good looking your children are.

Oh come on, OP, kids definitely grow into their looks. My eldest DS was what you might describe as a very plain baby, beautiful only to his parents. He became an extremely handsome man and remains so in his 40s. I taught a girl years ago that I vaguely thought had her parents been able to afford to straighten her very buck teeth and buy decent shampoo would be a stunner...lovely, lovely girl though, and one of my best students. She approached me in the street years later, this exquisite creature with glowing skin, glossy bobbed hair and a beautiful, even smile, and hugged me hard, thanking me for believing in her.