Horrible inlaw comments

[MumOf2Here]

sorry abit of a long one. Guess i’m just looking for some advice and to offload a little.

My husband and I met in 2010 and got married in 2013.
He is a good looking man and I do always joke that he is the good looking one from the two of us. He does get attention when we are out here and there. He isn’t into his looks or vanity as such but does take care of himself.
I am generally quite insecure and always have been about myself and my looks. I wouldn’t say i am conventionally pretty but i wouldn’t call myself “ugly” either. My husband tells me that I don’t realise how pretty I am and I should love myself more - and some have said my height and figure is to die for (5’7) but i hate when people say things like that because I hate compliments and i often don’t believe it anyway.

My husbands mother has never really liked me, and was not one bit happy when he revealed he was going to propose.
Her reasons were that i do not have a degree ( i have a brilliant well paid job which I love ) and that I am not pretty enough for him and that she has “ many other potentials “ he could have married who were much prettier.
They are quite well off and very materialistic. Even after we were married she would make comments to me about how she wanted to introduce him to so and so family friend because she felt they were better suited. As if it wasn’t bad enough his mother making comments, his sisters and family members started with it too.
They would invite these “potentials” for dinnner whilst we were there and expecting me to just sit through dinner happily.
After all of these years im still hearing how he could have done better and honestly i just hate myself even more.
I wish i had thick skin to get over it or speak up, or I wish i loved myself enough to ignore it and have some self respect - sadly i dont feel i do.

My husband isn’t an affectionate person as such, but does try to reassure me as much as he can but i feel it isnt enough. i feel like i need constant reassurance that he loves me and wants to be with me me or finds me a attractive etc. He finds it ridiculous that he constantly needs to profess his love and loyalty to me because im feeling insecure. I feel like he could definitely do more but he often avoids talking to his family because of the fallout that would happen soon after.
It makes me paranoid when he is out or on a weekend away with his friends and his mother will often say things i hope he finds the one this time. I confronted her and said you want your son to cheat on his wife? she laughed and said dont be ridiculous and left the room.

Honestly typing this out has made me realise how ridiculous and childish this all is.
Iv been a victim of abuse from a young age and i think this where my insecurities started from. i know there isnt anyone that can make it go away but would anyone have any advice in how i should navigate this. My inlaws bring out the worst in me and its really affecting my mental health. The “looks” part and insecurities are a huge factor but they play these awful mind games and i feel like i dont have it in me to fight this.

My inlaws live a street away from me so they come over all the time - hence why i cant avoid them 💀

Your husband is a pathetic useless shit. Leave him. What’s up with these mums that borderline sound like they want to shag their own sons. It’s so bloody disturbed. She’s ruining his life and he’s letting her.

this made me chuckle, I needed that. I agree with the mothers having strange relationships when it comes to their sons. Its really uncomfortable to be around.

I would give up on your husband defending you now, he’s not going to rock the boat. You’ll have to do it yourself. Be the mouse that roars. Next time MIL starts, tell her to get out of your house and that you’re divorcing her precious son and moving 500 miles away.

Practice saying “how rude” or “do you mean to be so rude”.
One day it will pop out as a response and show your children how to call out bad behaviour.
In the mean time, plan your exit, look at finances, job etc. Once you have a plan, confront DH and let him decide if he wants his Mum or his family (if you still want him by then)

Remind your MiL that your DH chose you, he just happened to be born into her family. However, he should be speaking up when they are abusive to you. Your children are noticing and that is not healthy for them so you need to protect them. Distance yourself and your DC as much as possible. Your DH can see his horrible family on his own.

If your H won’t speak up, you have to speak up for yourself and your children. Forget polite, you just say it how it is, next time she saying something rude, look her in the eyes and calmly say ‘ stop being such a cunt!’. She might need some smelling salts but Im guessing, she will declare, she will never darken your doorstep again. Tell your H, to grow a pair, his family have been openly hostile towards you, since they first met you, the kids are being affected by it. That he’s quite welcome to go move back in with his mummy but your home is a cunt free zone.

This! The party is over, MIL!

You have nothing to lose at this point as it’s getting so bad it’s affecting your marriage. Options are-
Go no contact, they don’t visit your dh visits then.
or
confront them everytime- “can you stop being so rude mil you are embarrassing yourself “

The problems here is that the status quo suits everyone else except you so none of them are going to change it. You must make the status quo more unpleasant than the alternative. Give up on your husband defending you. You are going to have to do it yourself. You have nothing to lose, you are already considering calling time on your marriage as a result of this.
If husband is not home, refuse to let them in ‘no I don’t want to let you in as you are always so rude to me, please don’t come again without an invite’. If husband is there and undermines you, get more and more direct until they WANT to leave. When all inhibitions are gone and you can say exactly what you are thinking it is very freeing. Husband will then paint you as the problem of course but the answer to that is ‘I have begged you for years to do something about this and you refused, so I did. If you don’t like my approach feel free to fix it yourself’. I’d think of their most
common put downs and practice responses in the mirror to myself so I have the perfect ones ready. Personally I’d go for factual, blunt and as hurtful as possible rather than just swearing at them as I’d want to maintain the high ground but it doesn’t really matter. Eg in response to ‘he might finally find the one’ - ‘indeed, after all it is always worth blowing up your son’s life and destroying the childhood of your grandchildren so you can continue to feel superior isn’t it?

This is not ok, OP, you and your DH need to stand up to them.

I would call her out on this every time. Say the classic "do you mean to be so rude" honestly I wouldn't give her the time of day they're hideous

As a aside there is nothing more unattractive to me than someone needing constant reassurance.. don't do that. He's with it because he wants to be

Carry on involving your brother if you want. The answer to DH is I am involving my brother because you won't "uninvolve your mother and sister".

Do they still do these dinner parties? Are you brave enough to say to "intended next wife" oh Susan isn't it a shame that MIL still has you lined up as DH's next wife? What a waste of your time to be here this evening. Its like here is what you could have won for you isn't it?

Move away from them.

Your husband should have dealt with this behaviour years ago. He's a bigger problem than your in-laws. Weak and disloyal - awful qualities.

I was in a similar position to you @MumOf2Here I was deemed not good enough for my husband by my MIL, for different reasons to yours. I'm deaf and she did not want her son to marry a deaf woman, my disability meant to her that I was 'less than', someone to be pitied.

My DH challenged her behviour (she used to talk to him as though I couldn't answer for myself, failing to accept my expert lip reading skills), and when she carried on my DH told both MIL and FIL if immediate changes weren't made by them (mainly her), they would never see him again. He walked out of their house with the intention of not seeing them again. His mother called him later, apologised profusely and claimed ignorance of deafness as her defense. But, her behaviour changed, so she wasn't ignorant, it was a choice to treat me like shit (there was more going on than I've posted).

Your husband should have your back. His loyalty should be with you, and your children. This situation is having a knock on effect on your children and cannot be allowed to continue.

You are not being unreasonable at all. You are being abused and your children are witness to this abuse.

When there are marital problems, there’s always two people to blame: him and his mother, lol. What a pair! I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Make no mistake, this is your husband’s fault. He’s a spineless fool who isn’t doing his primary job as a husband which is to step up and have your back. If he wasn’t tolerating it she wouldn’t be able to do it. The good news is you have a job. You are not powerless. You can leave him. Or at least have the power of knowing you can leave him whenever you want to. I would personally a) start secretly saving money b) give a small but noticeable smile or eye roll when she does it, like you’re struggling to contain laughing at her, and make small deniable comments that imply you think she’s a bit silly / losing it a bit, depending on how strong you’re feeling c) maybe consider recording encounters on your phone. I can see why you aren’t directly calling it out, because how can you when he doesn’t have your back? What a fool he is to jeopardise his family of choice though because of this silly woman. What a fool she is to ruin her son’s life if she loves him so much. Shame on them both.

I can't believe that is actually happening - they bring potential 'better' partners round to dinner with both of you?? What the actual fuck!?

They target your lack of self confidence in yourself, deliberately to break you and cause issues between you and H. They don’t even try to hide it in front of your children, they simply don’t give a shit.
The important thing to acknowledge is, they would have treated any woman the same way, had your H married them … yes even the ‘perfect women’, they have invited to dinner parties! They see you as a threat and are fighting over your H, like jealous ex gf’s, your H, must enjoy everyone fighting over him or won’t say anything, because it will cause him discomfort. He is blatantly ignoring your misery at the hands of his family’s toxic treatment of you, and not even trying to shield his children from it.
If you tell the in laws, to ‘lay off you, and grow the fuck up, and they are not welcome in your home’, he may well expect you to smooth things over, well he can go swivel!
This is breaking your marriage anyway, so you telling them home truths, putting boundaries down and telling H, you are not going to apologise or make mix with people who are outright nasty, is not going to make any difference to your marriage. It will make a huge difference to you, and your children though, your H will have to do what he is good at, ignoring the situation, but if he does side with them, I would tell him to move back in with his mum. It is him they are fighting over, it’s him enabling their pick me dance and malice towards you and now your kids are noticing, you have drawn a line in the sand and will will die on that hill.

As for him not wanting to keep reassuring you, that he loves you, is he for real? His family are destroying your self worth, making out he can do better, and he’s telling you that you’re too insecure!
Or does he secretly enjoy you feeling inferior, with lots of his family’s help? Does it make him feel in control, better than you because, he, with the help of his family, blowing smoke up his arse and them keeping you feeling worthless, plus you being insecure, wanting reassurance, make him feel powerful?

Please speak up for yourself. Something like ‘oh fuck off you rude bitch’ should do then get up and leave

Youre right. It might sound pathetic but honestly reading these I just realised my marriage is all about my husband and his family and its always them against me.
I think when you’re in the thick of it you cant see it for what it is. And now im starting to.

I think you need to stand up for yourself and mirror self confidence for your DC. Your husband is weak and his mum a narcissist so call them both out and tell her that if she wants to continue being able to visit your home she should be nicer or preferably not speak to you at all.

You’ve been cruelly treated @MumOf2Here, being repeatedly told, you’re not good enough, no wonder you have felt so insecure about yourself and your H’s love! Also your H ignores not only their behaviour but your pain, it makes you feel alone and not important. Your DC are questioning it, they see it, yet your H pretends not to.
Thats why, you need to show them, you won’t put up with their behaviour any longer. Be your own champion and protect your precious DC from witnessing in laws toxicity.
Your H’s attitude after you stand your ground, showing his family, you won’t accept their toxicity any longer, will answer any doubts you have of his loyalty. As much as you love him, if he sides with them, and expects you to allow them to continuously chip away at you, he isn’t a loving H and only cares about himself.
Your DC and yourself deserve more than having all your needs and security being ignored, of H only interested in himself.

exactly this. however when i explain this to him, he says im attacking his character and that hes not the “emotional” type so i shouldn’t force him to behave or act in ways i want him to if its not natural to him?

Thank you to every single person who has commented. Im sorry i havent replied to everyone, i have been at work today, but I have read every comment and its sad to say i didnt realise how bad it was until now.
I only have 1 brother and he is the only one who gives me advice and is always there to lend and ear. When i got him involved previously, DH was furious as he says i have humiliated him and some things need to be covered as to not embarrass him.
Im always reluctant to go back to my brother because of the backlash from DH and also he calls me a child for running back to my brother for “help”.

This is my last week of work before afew weeks off with the children. My husbands neice is getting married next week. I haven’t been asked to attend the hen party (everyone else has) but have been told by DH that we are invited to the wedding (without an invite). I decided i am going away and booked a holiday for me and children on the week of the wedding.
I think thats the bravest thing I have done to exclude myself for a family event where i’ll be surrounded by them all be full of anxiety for the day.
When I return i will speak to DH and hopefully build some strength and courage to stick up for myself and implement some strong boundaries.

Thank you all so much xx

You’re not forcing him, you’re pointing out that he should have your back. He is saying he isn’t the type, he either hates confrontation or doesn’t care.