Lyra, Oggs, Berrie, Zeb and Binkle....OVER HERE!!!!

[binkleandflip]

Poor Berrie. So is he at home with you now? Have you never left him with a CM or at nursery on his own? It's awful the first time you do it, but they do get used to it, I promise.

He's 4. He went to a CM at 10 months before I had dd and he has been going to playschool and preschool 3 times a week for years.

He has managed to negotiate chocolate apples from me if he goes without fuss...no idea where he got that idea from.

The thing is, I just can't cope.

I rang dh this morning because I needed him to come home to look after us. I didn't feel I could be on my own. He didn't come in the end though he would have. I just don't know where to go for help. The Doctor is useless. My house is filthy. I am a loon, I can't do anything. I feed the children, I keep them clean but I don't feed myself until I feel weak, and then it's crap. My fridge is full of mouldering diet food from last week. The plumber is coming to change the tank on Wednesday which I don't think I can do alone. I can't read books any more. My lessons are not as good as they should be, in fact I was going to cancel tonight's earlier. I can't involve friends because it's important to me to be able to be normal with them. Also, I don't want people being nice to me out of pity, I want them to like me.
I want to stop feeling anxious and panicky. I want ds to stop saying, 'I think this is a job for Daddy'. I want someone to come and tidy and clean my whole house for me. I want to stop killing myself with crap food and alcohol.
But more than anything, I just want to feel normal because when I do none of the above matters at all.

Have a great time on your course Binkle.
Oggs, the house is in the same area. We're only looking within 10-15 minutes walking distance of the boys' school. I'd hate to have to drive them there every day if I don't have to. I'm starting to think it's a bit over priced though given the amount of work it needs. Absolutely everything needs redoing. For example, the boiler looked like it was about to explode.

Ok. So he screamed and cried and had to be peeled away so does he get his chocolate apple? It was for if he made no fuss? He shouldn't really should he?

No, he shouldn't. Give it to him next time if he doesn't make a fuss.

That means I can eat the chocolate then.

You there for an urgent writing job Lyra? 3.35pm

Sorry, was doing school pick-up among mother things (like rubbernecking at a car smash on a main road near our house).
Am I too late?

other things, not mother things.

Yep, don't worry. My brother does this to me all the time, asks me to proof-read things. It usually needs completly re-writing! This was a leaflet to go with his new bespoke range that he needed before getting his flight to blimmin' China in 3 hours time. Ah well, I did me best, it's gone to the printers now.

(((Berrie))) Sounds like you've had a crap day .
Dd used to scream and cry when I left her,but it usually only lasts for a very short time. I'm sure that he soon stops once you've gone and something else catches his attention.

Do you fancy a 'whose house is the filthiest competition'? 'cos I bet I'd beat you hands down . We could duel with photo's.
I'd be a shoo in for the most cluttered too , and the greatest time floors have spent uncleaned/the most cobwebs/the hairiest carpets/the biggest health hazards

It's good that you are self-aware enough to realise that none of it would be a problem if you were feeling better about yourself.
I know you've been down the ad road, but have you ever had counselling? It was a big help to me, although I hated it at the time.

Oh God oh God oh God, I hate counselling!

I had it when I was 17. I was self harming and bulimic and somehow this was never noticed or talked about.

I had it again when I was pregnant and seriously depressed with dd. She just made me feel a million times worse. There was no point in going over all that stuff, it wasn't the stuff that was making me depressed. I was fretting over that stuff because I was depressed. She couldn't cope with me and referred me on to the hospital where I would see the psychiatrist every couple of weeks just for a quick chat presumably to make sure I wasn't about to top myself...crap crap crap.
Sorry, your suggestion is not crap, just the counselling I've had.

I'm going to ring Dr tomorrow and ask if I can double the dose. I just can't do this like this.

That's probably a good idea Berrie.
Are you still on the wagon?

Er...no

We did it for 3 weeks though which was good. I had really started to believe we'd done it. I just don't care enough about myself to care at the moment. I don't know if my current dip is because of my fall from the wagon or a result of it though.

Sorry...too much information today...night

Ah. That'll be a no to the counselling then . It does make all the difference if you get a good one...

Alcohol is a depressant you know...
Have you ever talked to your Dr about your alcohol concerns? Baause in a way the alcohol negates any good the ad's are doing... alcohol- depressant....anti-depressant...etc.
Just a thought, but it may be worth involving your Dr?

Hope you aren't feeling quite so bad this morning. I'm always at the end of the phone if you want to talk .

Top 'o the morning to ya!
What's on for today?

Doctor if I can get an appointment.
Kids to playschool if they'll go.
Planning if I can be arsed.
Haircut for ds if he'll go - his usual hairdresser can't fit him in until 2019 or something.

What about you?

Tidying, washing, hoovering, re-potting, needle-felting, making bread, supervising after-school rugby... not eating ... drinking lots of water...

Did I kill the thread being mental?
Feeling lots better this evening.
Honest!