Rude Step Children

[Thehappy]

Hi, I am new to this and o am after some advice.
i have been with my partner eight years, we have been a blended family for seven.
I find his kids to be rude to me for no reason at all.
they come into the house and totally ignore me, they don't say hello, good ye or goodnight to me. Or my two children who live with us permanently.
i have the children while my partner works one week after school and the next I get them up and ready for school. I can not drop them or collect them from school but I can get them to bed and get them up for school.
i book, wash, clean their bedroom, iron their clothes, do their school lunches. Weekly for them and I feel quite upset that this keeps happening.I have them more than their dad most of the time.
I have addressed this before with my partner and I have again today. His response was oh i will speak to them. I don't feel like it should be me bringing this to his attention. He was aware they had walked into the house and went straight upstairs knowing I was on the kitchen.
Am I being over sensitive.
The children are 9 and 10. So for me this is basic manners, my children are older and have never not greeted anyone or used their manners. Maybe it's me. Help it is really getting me down where I am losing patience with the situation

My children are 24.

I worked really hard to instill basic manners but I can confidently say there were many times they didn't use them.

Is it literally just that they don't say hello and goodbye or are there other issues?

It seems a very small thing to get upset about if the relationship is otherwise ok?

@Thehappy You are the nanny with a fanny.

Get out now Its not worth it

You may have better luck with responses on the group called Stepparents.

I have a similar situation and it’s for your other half to be addressing, and nipping it in the bud. They don’t have to love you and treat you like a mum, but basic manners and being polite, like they would a friendly teacher/family friend is my expectation.

This man is using you to raise his kids for him and to perform domestic drudgery.

How does this boyfriend benefit you and your kids lives? How does he make your life better and easier?
He's failing as a father and a boyfriend. Who's house is it?

Find your anger OP, don't allow yourself to be treated as skivvy any longer.

That's exactly how I feel and then I feel guilty for feeling like this. That's why I have came on here to see if I am being unreasonable. I don't want to play mum. I try to treat all the kids fairly in instances like treats holidays etc I never exclude my step children but feel like a skivvy, I have them more than their father and I do more for them than him as I do lots for my own kids so try and do the same for all of them. Yet they can't say hello and goodbye to me. I got them up and ready for school this morning and they just walked out the door without a goodbye again x

Do they want to come to your house at all?

I have these feeling myself. He went through quite a harsh custody battle which cost us 12k that we did not really have but I believe you can't put a price on your children so I paid £4k of this myself to help. We have a high mortgage to enable his children to have a bedroom also but I feel that it's me doing more work than him. I have his daughter Friday evenings Saturday mornings whilst he takes his son football training and Tuesdays overnight alone most weeks. I don't know what I am doing wrong to be treated this way.

They arnt bad children on the whole as in behaviour. They are just very off and won't make conversation with me unless I do which I am happy to do, they never say please or thankyou to me or hello and goodbye and I do so much for them. Treat them like my own children I never leave them out I try to include them in everything. Make the effort to play with them. Make sure they have clean lines the food they like, days out, holidays. I just feel a little hurt I do as much as I can and also bring my own two children up with minimal help from anyone and I can't even have a hello or goodbye

I do feel I am being taken advantage of. My partner text both children this morning and reminded them to use their manners and explained that I help him and their mum out by looking after them. They left the home this morning and totally ignored me. I had made their lunches for school and gave them breakfast and supported to get ready for their day ahead. I am at my Whitt's end even though this is a small thing I feel after all I do I feel I am being taken for granted.

Stop doing everything and tell him they’re his responsibility.
id be temped to start making myself unavailable so much and leave him too it.

Retreat.. He can find alternative child care..
Do not a bloody thing for them. Or you are effectively raising awful adults...

I think I would go on strike. No warning just down tools for them.

Stop doing it.
I learned quite early on that if I did the ironing as an everyday thing, no one thanked me for it.DH and DC didn’t even hang it in their wardrobes after it was ironed. So I stopped doing it. Very occasionally, I do it a special favour, and they are really grateful. Anyone who is bothered about having an ironed shirt can do it themselves ( or their dad can do it). It’s not a necessity.
Same thing with lifts, food treats, special days out and presents. If they aren’t grateful, if they can’t even thank you, why would you bother? You are not even married to their dad, you’re not their stepmother, your own children are losing out by you spending on them.
Id be telling your DP that he is responsible for his own kids and he’d better make arrangements for them when to be looked after when he isn’t there. They are his responsibility, not yours and tell him you’re not going to accept their rudeness, so he’d better do something about it. You are making all the compromises here, he is ceding nothing.
He can make their lunches, organise their breakfast and do their laundry. I’m wondering why you’ve taken all this upon yourself.

I feel bad but doing the same for his children as I do for my own. But I think I have made a rod for my own back here. I am made to feel guilty if I can't help out with child care as his contact it is through a court order. His mother agreed to help out with that put has pulled back and I feel guilty because I can do it I just rent doing it most of the time because of the lack of appreciation from the kids.

I am going to try and pull back a bit and see if anything improves. I have said I won't be looking after them until they begin to ow me a little bit of respect and use their basic manners. I got no response from that. So I will see how Tuesday goes as I have them again in the evening as dad is in work and mum goes to her boyfriends 🤦🏼‍♀️

💯 go on strike

You need to put your foot down. No looking after them on Tuesday. That’s for their parents to sort out, not you. You’re being treated like domestic staff - and not even get paid accordingly, let alone appreciated. You sound like a lovely person who is trying to do the right thing but you’re being far too nice and accommodating.

He took his children’s mum to court so he could get more access, and then pass it all onto you. Why did he want more time with them if he’s not around?

I would pull them up on their attitude, you've every right too.

Tell them they're being rude, disrespectful and unkind.

They are the age where they will push boundaries.

I've no problem telling my DS aged 10, when he thinks he can be rude.

If you're packing lunches, ironing clothes, they need to respect your role.

I pick my battles, and sometimes address the family on being kinder, rather than single out the cheeky one.

You might have to really spell it out to your DH in words of one syllable that you will not be looking after them any more, and that it is now down to him.

The reason you didn't get a response when you told him earlier is because he doesn't want to hear it. He probably thinks that if he ignores it, you won't go through with it.

Stick to your guns. They are HIS kids, and they already have 2 parents. You are not one of them.

(I was also taken advantage of as a step parent until the scales fell from my eyes.)

I am guilty of people pleasing and helping everyone and anyone too much, which I suppose has put me where I am today. I could understand this behaviour more if it was a new relationship but we are coming up to eight years of being in each others lives. It's really difficult because no matter what I seem to do it doesn't fix things x

i said this to him actually and his answer was it was to spend time with my family Am apart of that??? I feel like I can't win. I don't want to come across like I don't want his children here. I do believe he should be here when they are too, he doesn't see them at all every other Tuesday so I feel like a babysitter and if I say I am busy etc then they come later on sometimes when I am free. I work 42 hours per week and have two children of my own 13 and 17. I am being unreasonable?

Just stop doing it

Seriously, manners cost nothing and you deserve better

My stepdad’s daughters have always been rude to my mum and blamed her for ruining their parents marriage etc. but they were already in their late twenties and early thirties at the time. It’s probably because of something to do with it being an upheaval / inconvenience in their lives and they can’t get past that. They will either grow up or will stay immature and stuck in the same old cycles for the rest of their lives.