Could your marriage survive an affair?

[NovemberMorn]

What are your thoughts? Having read many threads on MN in the last month or so, I am guessing the majority of posters will say a resounding No.
Till it happens.
When I was younger, I would have said definitely not.
Now...possibly.

I ended my marriage after looking for a shared subscription in settings on my iPad and seeing two dating apps.

Stuff that, you’re either 100% committed or you’re out of my life. Of course XH was ‘only chatting to people’. I chat to my friends, family, colleagues and hobby buddies as appropriate.

The opposite for me I'm afraid.

I don’t admire the partner who survived it, instead I feel sorry them that their general standards and expectations of a relationship are so very low.

But ultimately each to their own eh.

You'd think, but the amount of spouses that have affairs would indicate otherwise, throwing it all away for some sex. Then there are the partners who harangue their spouse for putting on weight etc.

I wouldn't want to survive it. I'd never be able to trust him again and wouldn't be interested in working on it.

When children are involved, I can well understand why a wife will try to forgive.
If the man is a good father, and up till the lapse a good husband who realises he has made a mistake, it can be a very unselfish act to not want to upheave the children's lives.
That must take real strength of character.

Mine did for a fair few years but then he did it again and was a serial cheat. I think depends on if they confess and are honest. Mine was compulsive liar. I don't regret giving it another try though and we had more kids which we otherwise wouldn't have. However no way was i accepting multiple affairs and it does change things you can't get back.

I wouldn't either.

I think had there been a poll, the over-riding majority would be that a marriage cannot survive an affair.

I personally think it can, because I know some that have, and they seem to have built up a stronger base than pre affair. Obviously no one can really know what goes on behind closed doors, but if the couple and the kids are thriving, it's a good indication.

I think it all depends on each persons life tbh. I stayed when my now ex h had an affair but it was a direct result of what my childhood has been like and the effect it had on me. It was a bit of a shock when I ended things over something else tbh.

Could it? I would choose for it not to. “Surviving” isn’t what I’m aiming for.

It’s honestly mental that you think that a couple who stay together after an affair do so out of a stronger relationship.

Often it’s crippling insecurity, a feeling the wronged party can’t do better, not wanting to be alone, finances and children throwing in other issues.

Yeah, possibly. But that wouldn’t really be the aim. Just surviving it isn’t enough, the cheater has a lot to work through and needs to develop the ability to reflect, self criticise and change. A lot of people wont put the work in. Just want to forget about it. There’s different types of affairs too. I wouldn’t be ending a long marriage over a one night stand but lying and sneaking around for months/ years, forming an attachment with someone else, that’s a different thing entirely. A serial cheat, well they rarely change. That’s just my opinion, others will disagree.

Being in an asexual definition, I've been told I can have sex with others because why should I suffer simply because they don't like it.

The 'condition' is that it don't do it behind their back, which probably really means if I mention it, the relationship is over.

I think when you get to the point that you're miserable, part of you actually hopes for something to come along for one of you as a convenient way out.

I think so but l would have to have my pound of flesh and revenge in some way .

Hypotheticals are all very well - you can say oh that's my hard line or whatever.

But when it happens, very often the marriage does not end. Kids, finances, elderly parents, seriously intertwined lives etc etc. It's something you can't say for sure without having been there.

I don’t think that’s what the pp meant. Some couples can succeed in building a stronger relationship than they had prior to an affair, which is what I think the pp was saying. Of the couples I know who have stayed together after infidelity, crippling insecurity and feeling they can’t do better absolutely was not a factor. Shared children were, but it’s right that they are considered, surely.

That isn't what she said.

Whose affair? What if it were you playing away?

It's usually the person who has been cheated on that gets the sympathy.
Though I imagine people who have had an affair, then deeply regret it, and have the chance to rebuild their marriage, have other emotions to deal with as well as a shattered partner.

You misread what I said.

@NovemberMorn I think it can too but it does become different- I'm certainly much harder, less trusting and no longer think my H can do no wrong - not everyone would want that kind of thing I know- many do feel everything has to be perfect and always feel 100% to remain married .