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Could your marriage survive an affair?

146 replies

NovemberMorn · 15/01/2025 18:30

What are your thoughts? Having read many threads on MN in the last month or so, I am guessing the majority of posters will say a resounding No.
Till it happens.
When I was younger, I would have said definitely not.
Now...possibly.

OP posts:
DuskyPink1984 · 16/01/2025 15:24

I think a lot of people would say no, until it happens to them and they realise how much is stake if they separate. I think a lot of marriages do initially survive but disintegrate further down the line.

NovemberMorn · 16/01/2025 15:29

mollymazda · 16/01/2025 15:21

I disagree... there's 'always' a reason... you've cited one yourself right there 'the opportunity of the excitement'.. thats a reason!

Some people do have a valid reason, and it will involve the other partner.
Often times the other partner doesn't even figure, opportunity and chance of getting away with it is all that is needed.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 16/01/2025 15:30

I think its easy to say you would leave but generally finances dictate this. SAHM, great lifestyle and young kids.. many will not opt for the alternative
I wouldn't because while forgiveness might be possible it would change me as a person, I'm not a jealous , paranoid etc and i think it would turn me into one. Also because I've enough money to leave without having to alter my lifestyle in anyway. I'm also not afraid of being on my own.

Bodeganights · 16/01/2025 17:12

lovemycbf · 16/01/2025 12:53

No one can answer this question unless it's actually happened to them tbh

Its happened to me, I stayed after the first affair, I stayed after the second affair because children. The third affair was the end. He ruined a great marriage for the sake of getting his dick wet. And then made divorce difficult and barely saw his own children.
I worked on myself, set my life up so I would never have to rely on a man again and now if i want out of a relationship I can leave it, for any reason or none, and one reason would be an affair.
Never again would i put up with a partner disrespecting me like that.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/01/2025 19:31

2025willbemytime · 16/01/2025 13:35

Staying for your kids is wrong and totally unfair to them.

I'm not staying for them exactly, like I said there's lots of complicated reasons. Not least that I love him. Just that I would force myself to leave if it weren't for them, simply for the reasons of pride really. I do feel though that I owe it to them to swallow my pride and at least do my best to work on our family. We both have our faults and we both went wrong. I just think it's a lot more complicated than that.

2025willbemytime · 16/01/2025 19:44

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/01/2025 19:31

I'm not staying for them exactly, like I said there's lots of complicated reasons. Not least that I love him. Just that I would force myself to leave if it weren't for them, simply for the reasons of pride really. I do feel though that I owe it to them to swallow my pride and at least do my best to work on our family. We both have our faults and we both went wrong. I just think it's a lot more complicated than that.

It's not about pride. It's about what is best for you, showing them how good relationships are, how to deal with conflict, having self esteem and confidence and so many other things.

My h had an affair and I didn't leave. We are divorced now over something else and I'm hurting like hell because of what he's done and said but 100% happy I no longer have to live with him.

Take care.

Ihaveoflate · 16/01/2025 20:05

Mine did. It's a different (more honest, better) marriage now than the one before his affair. I'm happy with my decision and don't feel weak or lacking in self worth - quite the contrary.

The more accurate answer should probably be that no marriage survives infidelity but the contract can be renegotiated on different terms given the right circumstances. I suspect it's rare though.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 16/01/2025 20:50

2025willbemytime · 16/01/2025 19:44

It's not about pride. It's about what is best for you, showing them how good relationships are, how to deal with conflict, having self esteem and confidence and so many other things.

My h had an affair and I didn't leave. We are divorced now over something else and I'm hurting like hell because of what he's done and said but 100% happy I no longer have to live with him.

Take care.

Well yes it is but how does it follow that staying after an affair means you can't do those things? The kids have no idea what happened between us. They haven't seen or heard a row about it. They hear the odd disagreement about the dishwasher etc but they also hear resolution, they hear a lot of laughter and they see that we love each other. I know kids can be extremely damaged by an unloving relationship but that's not the scenario. My self esteem in relation to him is probably not brilliant but in general I am pretty happy with myself and don't talk negatively about myself. Anyway this is OP's thread so I won't derail any more.

Arlanymor · 16/01/2025 20:53

No - it happened to me and I deserve so much better. It was traumatic, it was expensive, the only saving grace was we didn’t have children. He didn’t want to and trashed my credit rating, but much better than living with someone who had inflicted so much damage on what we had built together. No shade on people who make different choices - but betrayal is something I won’t compromise on.

Saphire123 · 17/01/2025 00:21

sometimesmovingforwards · 16/01/2025 11:06

Why would I want to ‘survive’ an affair??
I’m not desperate / dependent enough that I’d have to even consider it! 🤣🤣🤣
Jeez I’m worth more than that.

Anyone who doesn’t have enough self worth.
Or couldn’t cope single not in a relationship.
Or is beholden to a relationship to support their lifestyle… then god I feel sorry for you and for the life choices you made to get into a position where you’d have to even consider it! What a horribly compromised life to lead, so sad 😢

You sound very judgmental and superior.🙄

Saphire123 · 17/01/2025 01:01

DuskyPink1984 · 16/01/2025 15:24

I think a lot of people would say no, until it happens to them and they realise how much is stake if they separate. I think a lot of marriages do initially survive but disintegrate further down the line.

Some say it makes the marriage stronger.
Maybe it was weak to start with, hence affair, but facing the reality of losing the partner, turns it around.

I think for me, it would be less about the sex, more about the lies and deceit, that must be a difficult hurdle to get over.

Joyfulspringflowers · 17/01/2025 08:28

"A ons could maybe be forgiven as a one off, was drunk, wasnt thinking, out with the lads kind of thing"

I found this an incredibly sad statement from one of the early posts on the thread.

How worthless does a man view his marriage if having sex with another woman is the result of him" not thinking"? Of it being a natural consequence of being " out with the lads"? Or just one of the silly consequences of being drunk?

Why should a ons be forgivable when it highlights the utter contempt the person has for their marriage and partner?

RainyWednesdayEveningNC · 17/01/2025 08:31

No, I’m no longer married. XH was a good looking, charismatic sort when he made an effort. He travelled extensively for work. My line in the sand was always that should it be crossed I would walk away without a backwards glance.

That is exactly what I did ten years ago.

ChicLilacSeal · 17/01/2025 09:18

Since this thread is hypothetical, and since it's an interesting question, I'd like to play devil's advocate and put forward the idea that perhaps we, as women, put too much emphasis on the physical act?

Full disclosure: My former marriage had a million terrible problems, but as for as I know, there was no cheating. If a man I loved cheated on me, I'm sure it would completely break my heart, and it might well burst the bubble sufficiently that my feelings could never recover. In what I'm about to say, I'm only speaking hypothetically.

But. Men see non-committed sex as much more of a separate thing, perhaps much like getting a massage, as far as I can gather. If he didn't love the woman, maybe it's not worth throwing away a whole life together over a bit of the old in and out? It means nothing to the man, so perhaps it shouldn't mean so much to us, either?

What do you think?

My head says that it's crazy to throw everything away because he had a few minutes of pleasure, but my heart says it would be shattered.

Personally, I think it's mad that we build our entire lives on something as ephemeral as sexual attraction, seems like an obvious recipe for disaster, but I'm not sure what the alternative is.

Maybe people should marry partners who are really similar to them, with whom they have everything in common, and with whom you have a great friendship, and then both just date and have flings and stuff with people you would never marry, like you did when you were young and free.

RainyWednesdayEveningNC · 17/01/2025 09:23

I think that would not remotely work for me @ChicLilacSeal .

ChicLilacSeal · 17/01/2025 09:26

Bodeganights · 16/01/2025 17:12

Its happened to me, I stayed after the first affair, I stayed after the second affair because children. The third affair was the end. He ruined a great marriage for the sake of getting his dick wet. And then made divorce difficult and barely saw his own children.
I worked on myself, set my life up so I would never have to rely on a man again and now if i want out of a relationship I can leave it, for any reason or none, and one reason would be an affair.
Never again would i put up with a partner disrespecting me like that.

That's really, really sad, @Bodeganights. I'm so sorry you went through that. If someone's always casting about wanting sex with different people, why even get married? Some people really should never be married. But I guess they want kids - and someone to do all the gruntwork. People who do this make me 🤬 Why is it so hard for many to be a good person? I was married for years and it was a really bad marriage, but it never occurred to me to cheat. I liked having my person and doing right by them, it made me feel good. I never flirted or anything with anyone else.

I'm glad that you're in a better place now, and I hope your ex regrets throwing it all away.

Sometimes I wonder if people like your ex regret what they did when they're elderly.

ChicLilacSeal · 17/01/2025 09:29

RainyWednesdayEveningNC · 17/01/2025 09:23

I think that would not remotely work for me @ChicLilacSeal .

No, me neither. But it doesn't seem like building our lives on sexual attraction is a great plan, either.

Maybe we should just get rid of marriage and living together, have kids but retain our independence. Perhaps marriage is just an outdated institution.

dothehokeycokey · 17/01/2025 09:35

No absolutely not

That's a massive line in my world.

If someone feels the need to have an affair they've clearly not spent the time and respect working on what's not working in the marriage.

It's more than an affair.

Tcsha · 17/01/2025 09:37

Interesting that most talk about the other person having an affair!

I had an affair, I didn’t want to make it work after. I wasn’t in love with my partner, no excuse but he had become very abusive and the relationship was stifling.

I would never have an affair again, for me it’s a sign of something wrong in a relationship or you have fallen in love with someone else. The trust has gone, one partner is hurt, the other has immense guilt and shame. I know some people can work it out after, just don’t think I would be able to.

BarbedButterfly · 17/01/2025 09:40

No. I forgave an affair once and not only does it still affect me now, he did it again. I have zero tolerance now and it would be the same if I had children as I would want to set an example of not forgiving betrayel

Ladyj84 · 17/01/2025 09:45

No as much as I love and adore the other half I would never ever feel the same. If your love was so shallow to have a long or short affair I'm worth more everytime

BashfulClam · 17/01/2025 09:56

I was cheated on by a partner, he was constantly cheating. Each time I did the ‘pick me’ dance. I was so worn down, my self esteem was through the floor (why? What was wrong with the girl who loved him) and I was hyper vigilant for it happening. It has led to trust issues in future relationships and I have had to work hard to realise I am worth a damn. I adore my DH but if he cheated a part of me would probably die and it would be over. I’m sure he never would as he is the complete opposite of the guy I met when I was younger and he’s never given me shy reason to not trust him.

RainyWednesdayEveningNC · 17/01/2025 09:57

ChicLilacSeal · 17/01/2025 09:29

No, me neither. But it doesn't seem like building our lives on sexual attraction is a great plan, either.

Maybe we should just get rid of marriage and living together, have kids but retain our independence. Perhaps marriage is just an outdated institution.

Marriages are built on far more than sexual attraction though aren’t they?

ViciousCurrentBun · 17/01/2025 10:00

For me absolutely not.

I actually worry I would go all Old Testament on him, plagues of locusts would have nothing on my levels of wrath.

NovemberMorn · 17/01/2025 13:26

Thanks for all the replies, they are really interesting.

I have seen what infidelity does to people.
I was too young to understand what was happening with my own parents (many moons ago) but I saw how it affected my mum.

I have seen how women are so devastated when they find out their husbands have been unfaithful, be it a one night stand or an affair, and I honestly think some never truly get over it.
It must be one of the cruellest blows to someone in love.

I admire the partner who can survive it...and I think the word 'survive' is very appropriate, because like someone said to me once, finding out her husband had been with another woman was like finding out he had died...and in a way, she would have found that easier to cope with.

OP posts: