Could your marriage survive an affair?

[NovemberMorn]

What are your thoughts? Having read many threads on MN in the last month or so, I am guessing the majority of posters will say a resounding No.
Till it happens.
When I was younger, I would have said definitely not.
Now...possibly.

But why is he with her? Is she arm candy, is she in fact wealthy not him?

He obviously doesnt much like her, or he wouldn't treat her like this.

That's true, however those are generally things that we have no control over. An affair is an active choice, which makes it different to surviving deaths etc. FWIW, although I think I could forgive an affair, I could never forget it and I would never trust DH again, so it would be the end of my marriage.

I was the one who had an affair. I never got 'caught' I ended up telling my then DH. Both he and I were surprised at his response. Previously if you'd asked him he would have said it would have ended the marriage there and then but when faced with the reality of the situation, he was the opposite and didn't want me to leave, wanted to work on things, wanted to try harder as a partner etc. I ended up leaving because for me things were too far gone, our relationship had changed a long time previously, hence the affair. I'm not blaming my ex for my affair, it was my fault entirely but I had spent years banging my head against a wall trying to get him to listen to me and he was very non-confrontational and would avoid conversations he found difficult, so for me I'd already come to the end of the road.

Therefore, I can't actually say if our marriage would have survived long-term even though initially he wanted it to. I think there would have been significant bumps along the way and I'm not sure either of us would have wanted to live through that. (The signs were already there - keeping note of my car mileage etc).

Continue... maybe.

Thrive... no.

My marriage staggered on for another 8 years after his affair. From the outside people may have thought that we were happier or stronger for it.

We weren't. It was my first thought every time I looked at him. People are the sum of their actions and when someone cheats it's because they weigh up what they have and the risk of losing it vs what they want and they decide that it's worth it.

You as a person, your marriage, the life you have lived together as well as the family you made is worth less to that man than a sordid romp with a bit of strange. Once that line is crossed, it's better to just walk away.

Am I glad I stayed for those 8 years? Not really but the only benefit I see is that I don't have any "what ifs" about the situation.

No.
I think sometimes people try to make it work but in alot of cases it comes to end eventually because of trust and respect issues

But those are on the whole unavoidable.

Having an affair is a choice.

My DP and I have survived 3 cancer diagnoses, redundancy, death of a parent and we've 'survived'. If he cheated on me I would end things immediately. Without question.

Some marriages can survive it - it totally depends on the people involved. Personally I wouldn't / couldn't tolerate being disrespected like that but if I did stay it would be so I can secretly be saving and getting things ready for the day I can divorce.

No. It’s a hard no for me.
when I was younger I found out 9 months into a relationship that he had cheated about 2 months in. I stupidly got back together with him. Relationship lasted a total of 4 years. I never got over it and should have stayed broken up and not taken him back. In the end I nearly cheated but could not go all the way.

So no, I would never again try to get over any kind of infidelity. I would leave that day and never look back.

I would have said an absolute hard no, but here I am one year later. Lots of reasons really, but largely I think I can't face the upheaval which is awful. I do think our marriage was a pretty miserable place for both of us at the time it happened, but I would still never do that to him in a million years. He's a very self centred person, though he doesn't mean to be unkind. If we didn't have kids I would 1000% be gone.

Echo this.

I agree with you.
When trust is gone how can you possibly rebuild it ?

When I was much younger, with no job and very little children, I had to 'forgive' because I didn't really have a lot of choice. Now, with someone else, no I bloody wouldn't put up with it at all.

It depends. I think sometimes a woman may deny her husband sex for a long time, particularly like Miranda on SATC, and the guy will look somewhere else for it.
It's a sad reality that men are very sexually driven and a lot of them feel they need to have it to function. Obviously some don't. But the ones who do aren't necessarily bad people. It's just their makeup.
I think some women need to accept that this is the case and do it for their husband on the odd occasion that maybe they don't really fancy it, but you're doing it for him because you know it's important to him.

But most men who have affairs are total twats so I would never forgive a twat who dared cheat on me..

I think it depends on your outlook at the start. If you view your marriage as a life long contract to build a home and family together until the very end but still accept affairs can happen, people can make mistakes and bad choices and a life-long marriage naturally many phases... then perhaps it is easier to see an affair an another obstacle to overcome on a very long journey together?

Ester Perel has a line that I like; "heartbreak is inevitable whether we’re together for a few months or for the rest of our lives. The difference is whether we’ll part ways to heal on our own or do it together." While I don't agree with all of it, her books, The state of affairs & mating in captivity are both interesting reads.

No. It's not so much the affair that would kill it for me, but the deceit. The other day I mistakenly thought DP – who has never, ever lied to me – had been dishonest about something (not affair-related), and I surprised myself with my immediate reaction, which was "I would rather be alone than be with someone I don't trust". I'm not sure I would have been able to do that before late DH died, but having been on my own for that period of time has proven to me that a) I can do it and b) being single is better than being in a bad relationship, and a relationship without trust is a bad relationship, imo.

Having said that, I was VERY relieved when it became clear that I had been mistaken!

Absolutely not

@2025willbemytime I'm still married but 8 years from finding out and20 years from 'it happening' - if we split it ( married 29 years) it will be because of other aspects of relationship, but the disloyalty certainly affected how I saw him and made me less tolerant of other shit

No and I wouldn’t even consider trying - I would regard the relationship like a chipped mug - fit only for the bin

Why would I want to ‘survive’ an affair??
I’m not desperate / dependent enough that I’d have to even consider it! 🤣🤣🤣
Jeez I’m worth more than that.

Anyone who doesn’t have enough self worth.
Or couldn’t cope single not in a relationship.
Or is beholden to a relationship to support their lifestyle… then god I feel sorry for you and for the life choices you made to get into a position where you’d have to even consider it! What a horribly compromised life to lead, so sad 😢

No.
Trusting my spouse is the fundamental foundation to overcoming the crap life throws at us.
Given that we have both stipulated and expressed our values in regards to affairs. We both know our boundaries.

To break the trust, potentially throw away our life when it is clear on our stance with affairs and the repercussions. Would not only break the trust but also extremely disrespectful.

If we had never broached the subject of consequences, never voiced our disdain. Then perhaps I could manipulate myself to work past it 😂 but we have so its a no.

Hard but possible, depends on the reason of the affair and if the wedding was based on love and trust our simply a partnership of convenience

Who knows. I think while you can have clear boundaries, it’s impossible to say unless you are in that situation.

Thank you for the replies, they are all really interesting.

In answer to an earlier poster asking have I ever had an affair, close, but no, I haven't.
As far as I know (and I would know) neither has my husband.
I do know some who have...some have 'survived' it and have been glad they did, some have not. Some deal with it, some ignore it, and no doubt some are not that bothered.

I started this thread after reading another thread on MN...it really made me think about how much a wife (or husband) could take, remain in a marriage, and still make it successful.

Do you have children?
Your flippant response makes me think you don't.

Nope

I am a very unforgiving person