Could your marriage survive an affair?

[NovemberMorn]

What are your thoughts? Having read many threads on MN in the last month or so, I am guessing the majority of posters will say a resounding No.
Till it happens.
When I was younger, I would have said definitely not.
Now...possibly.

No one can answer this question unless it's actually happened to them tbh

@DecayingRelic at least you are aware of that . I realise now that I'm not as open minded/forgiving as I once thought I would be- regardless of the reasons

I agree, no one can know for sure.

I do know when I was younger, I thought I would never stand for an affair, a one night stand (shudder) even the thought of my partner lusting after another woman would have been cause for separation.

Now, many years later, after building a home, rearing a family, having many years of happiness, with the inevitable ups and downs, having support from a good man through thick and thin...not so sure how I would act.

Staying for your kids is wrong and totally unfair to them.

I honestly think I can. There is no way I'd end my marriage over it.

My dad had an affair.
He was happy to keep his marriage going and continue with his 'bit on the side'.
The outcome was my mum found this unacceptable, and brought two of us up on her own.
I didn't realise as a child how hard it was for her, but she did it and she supported us all single handedly, taking work where she could.
I know had he stayed, our lives would have been richer financially, but a lot less happy.
It takes courage and strength, I can well understand why some women compromise.

I do yes, so you’re wrong.

So maybe just add that to your catalogue of poor judgements <shrug>

You certainly have no empathy.

Absolutely not, under any circumstances. If I found out DH had ever been unfaithful - even if it was just once, years ago - I’d be gone. Like, scorched earth gone.

So enlighten me.
I've given my opinion to the OP, all you've done is cast (an incorrect) judgement on it.
So I'm open to a conversation if you are, I'm genuinely curious to learn how others see it or have actually experienced it.

Surely if you have kids, it's MORE of a reason to end things after an affair. As they will find out. And then what a terrible message to have modelled for them. I would think teaching your kids self respect was a good thing.

Regarding your last post op, but if your dh had an affair, you have just discovered he is not a 'good man' as per one of your latter posts. Meaning it's all been a lie.

Marriages and relationships in general 'survive' a lot of things, deaths, hardships, loss, etc....you can insert another word if you like.

This is laughably absurd. Those hardships aren't created by someone in the marriage!

Mine didn't. We did counselling, he cut all contact, we worked on communication and had dates and tried to invest in each other and he seemed to be genuinely sorry and wanted to do the work.

But there was just nothing he could do to make me feel the same way about him afterwards. I worked at it for a year and then other things came to light and I walked away without a second thought. Didn't even miss him because my feelings for him had just died a year earlier.

So no.

Yes, I think mine could. Or, more likely, it could survive a ONS/quick fling. Long, emotionally-involved affair? Maybe not. We've been together 25 years and I'm not going to say that I've never had my head turned. I love my husband dearly but I'd love a quick, sexually-charged fling now and then.

Reread your own post.
Almost everyone else has given their opinion without being so judgmental and sneering at others who may hold a different view.

It's certainly a hardship for the innocent party, and if they get through it, and move forward, yes, imo their marriage has survived.

there is usually a reason why one partner cheats or has an affair.. sadly, lots of couples pretend there is no issue, and don't talk to each other, until its a big issue and then its too late.

and every person is different, i say i would end my marriage if i found my DH to have or be having an affair, but until it actually happens, I can't 100% say it would end.

I would recommend you look into a small book Love Against the Odds by Rob Parsons.

But using the word 'survive' makes it sounds aspirational!
Like their relationship is so strong when the complete opposite is true.
It is the weakest of relationships if one party has an affair, and weaker still if the other turns a blind eye. A good marriage is love, trust, communication, whereas plodding on after an affair is none of those.

A better title might be 'Would you tolerate a cheating spouse in return for the positives?'

I'm not sure if there is usually a reason within the marriage.
Maybe more of an opportunity of the excitement of an affair without getting caught.

I've forgiven my long term ex-partner his cheating and gave a second chance. He did it again. Must say my trust had never recovered anyway so I should not have stayed the first time.

I always thought mine would survive it.

But now it’s happened and I am much more deeply affected than I thought I would be. I’m waiting to find out.

I disagree... there's 'always' a reason... you've cited one yourself right there 'the opportunity of the excitement'.. thats a reason!

Not sure why the word 'survive' has rattled some people.
It's hardly a 'one-upmanship' word...not in my vocabulary anyway.

To me, in the context of how it was used, means...gone through and come out the other end, no more no less.

i'm a very 'trust until trust is broken' kind of person. I've been cheated on, i forgave the first one! 2nd time, nah.. he was out